Social Question

redfeather's avatar

How do I handle this situation?(details)

Asked by redfeather (6485 points ) August 13th, 2011 from iPhone

So. I usually don’t ask for relationship advice, but I’m pissed and drinkin.

I’ve been hanging out with this guy since January. We’ve been on dates, we’ve hooked up, I’ve met and hung out with his friends, and we talk everyday. He was working at a camp this summer and I didn’t see him for two months. Everyday he was gone, he’d send me texts telling me how much he missed me and how he couldn’t wait to hug me/ kiss me/ talk to me.

I got to see him last Tuesday. We hung out with his friends, drank a little, and hooked up.

He went out of town Thursday and told me he would be back Monday and we’d hang out. He went out of town to see the girl he met at camp and to make their relationship “Facebook official”.

So what, should I key his car? Become that crazy bitch and message her and be like “you know where your man was last Tuesday?! IN MY VAGINA.”

Kidding. But seriously, how do you get over someone who fucked with you so much?

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73 Answers

King_Pariah's avatar

I strongly suggest you walk away from it, turn your back on the past and go on to the next page in your life. Not all guys use and throw away, just a lot of us young hormonal idiots.

…And if he tries to hook up with ya again, castrate the bastard.

Londongirl's avatar

Sorry to hear that . He is an absolute asshole by the sound of it. Have you confronted him yet? Move on then as he is now officially seeing someone. No point to get angry but I know it is not easy. Goodluck.

redfeather's avatar

I found out an hour ago. I’m still shaking. I texted him and said “I hope you know you’re a horrible person, and I hope your new girlfriend realizes it soon” and some other stuff about how icky he is. Then I deleted his number and his Facebook.

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

“I usually don’t ask for relationship advice, but I’m pissed and drinkin.”

I usually don’t give relationship advice to those who are pissed and drinkin(g).

But you’re jumping into the pool of unusual, then I will too… ;)

Jesus said to be kind to those who persecute us. It’s like heaping hot coals upon their heads.

Seriously, just act like it doesn’t bother you, and if you have any contact with him, let him feel as though you cared less about it than he did. Right now he’s riding around with a false feather in his cap. Letting a guy who thinks he’s really great know that it wasn’t all that great is the best way to knock his ego down a notch or two.

Ahhh… but I see you’ve already attacked him. Good luck with that and I hope you feel better soon @redfeather.

ANef_is_Enuf's avatar

Shouldn’t it be drinkin’ and pissed, and not the other way around? ;)

Is this the same guy I suggested was a shithead a while back? He’s still a shithead. Not worth your time, you deserve far better. Smart move deleting him from your contacts… and as for yourself, I think if you realize that it wasn’t anything that you did, you’ll be a-ok. Don’t lose self esteem over him, because it has nothing to do with you.

redfeather's avatar

I didn’t attack him… I told him what he was. Gross. Yes, Neffie. Same shithead. Soooo many people told me to stay away. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Why don’t I listen?!

Joke’s on him. His new girl is ugly. So there. Ha.

ANef_is_Enuf's avatar

@redfeather seriously, girl, stay away from those guys. He had “bad news” written all over him. You. Deserve. Better.

And, to answer your question.. none of us listen. When we like someone romantically, we always want to see the best in them. We want to change them for the better, we want them to like us so much that they will bend their very nature to make us happy. It’s not just you, we all do it.

jrpowell's avatar

Forget him and hook-up with a nerd. We are nice and can fix your computer.

Cruiser's avatar

My advice would be to get dressed to the nines go out and get some pics of you with really hot guys having fun and post them on your face book page. Absent that….just fahgetaboutim.

lillycoyote's avatar

I know it’s hard to let go of these things, such a complex mix of hurt and anger and humiliation even at being used but I think it’s best to just walk away and be grateful you found out that this guy was a user and kind of an asshole before you go even deeper in. You deserve better.

redfeather's avatar

@johnpowell I love nerds.

@Cruiser all my friends are away at school, but maybe a trip to see them and going out is in order…

Facade's avatar

Forget him

ANef_is_Enuf's avatar

Maybe a trip several hours north for a prescription of margaritas and hugs is in order.

rebbel's avatar

I was going to suggest to put no energy at all anymore in this guy, but the minimal energy that you did put in by texting him and deleting him is just enough.
Don’t forget to throw his number from your phone, too.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Forget him. Do not embarrass or demean yourself any further by acting like an insane mad woman.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

Hey friend, my heart goes out for you. It could be a miserable few days for you as you go through the emotional turmoil of a situation like this.

While the details that you have at hand sound highly suspicious, I wouldn’t be so quick to play judge and jury, find him guilty, and throw away the key. There is nothing in the description that gives any indication that there has been a commitment to each other to be monogamous. For all we know at this point, the guy may look at you as a friend with benefits

Facebook is not the best way to announce social changes in one’s life, especially when it can emotionally impact another. There is always the off chance that he didn’t post this update. Maybe the girl or some prankster friend got on his account and changed it. If this is the case, there is always the possibility that they are not aware of your relationship and what type of damage it might cause.

There is also no mention of what his relationship is with this other young woman. All I can tell you is that having spent numerous summers sequestered in an intense environment with other people my age, close bonds form, even if they never move on from a platonic stage. Unless someone has been in a situation like this, I doubt that they could understand it.

You have invested enough of yourself in this guy so far that you know the emotions aren’t going to magically disappear overnight. Work through it as you see fit, and surround yourself with loved ones that can distract your negative emotions and help you see the bigger picture in life. I do please ask that that you give this guy a chance to explain his side of the situation. There may be something that has not yet been revealed to you.

Judi's avatar

If I wasn’t an old married lady I would have a crush on @johnpowell

mazingerz88's avatar

@redfeather Post a relationship in Facebook? Make it official? Sounds like this guy has a pink colored dick. I hope you’re pride’s just hurt and you are not really feeling the love for this guy. You’re wasting precious alcohol on him and for what exactly? Drink for jellies who cares, drink for Life, laughter and goodluck on meeting a real good guy next time…

jonsblond's avatar

Please listen to @Dutchess_III‘s second sentence. Be the better person. It’s his loss anyway, not yours. Hold your head high and be the awesome woman you are. =)

chyna's avatar

You’re doing the best thing you could possibly be doing right now, talking it out with us and not doing anything stupid like keying cars, etc.
Someone so much better will come along and this douche will just be a forgotten memory. Drink a little or a lot, cry a little, stay on Fluther tonight and you’ll start feeling better tomorrow.

Michael_Huntington's avatar

You deserve someone better. Forget about him, find a hobby/read a book/watch a movie/etc and put your mind on something else. Don’t even bother wasting your energy on this jerk.
Hope you feel better.

redfeather's avatar

He just sent me a text

“redfeather lol, you’re reading too much into this…. Let me explain this all to you when I get home… And she is like my best friend in the whole world and has helped me through so many things, emotionally an spiritually… So take a deep breath and wait till I get home.”

I sent “talk to me, don’t talk to me… I don’t really care.”

Then he responded “Redfeather, honestly, relax and I will explain, be happy :)”

I didn’t respond.

King_Pariah's avatar

Let him know you refuse to be the mistress equivalent. And remember, most of the time in which we guys do something that’ll infuriate or hurt the gal, our “explanation” is more like some bullshit rationalization. Though sometimes there is a legitimate reason, I doubt it with him.

sorry, my “k” key is being a pain in the arse

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Work through the anger so you can pick someone more on the same page as you next time. It’s too late to care if the guy wanted to just hang out with you from the get go or if the two of you ever discussed becoming facebook official yourselves. What you can do is focus on all you’re feeling in order to discern what you’re ready for and to push yourself not to settle for less than that with future guys.

There absolutely nothing wrong with telling a guy up front that you’re just not good at “hanging out, that you’re in a place where you are ready for a relationship person. You don’t have to give him a rundown of letdownds either, just state what you like, what you’re feeling comfortable with and how much it sucks to have to pass people by who aren’t up to that.

blueiiznh's avatar

So sorry to hear.
You need to try to put it behind you. You however have a right to be pissed and angry and hurt and all those other feelings.
What matters is what and how you deal with them. Go ahead and scream, rant, talk to a close friend about it, fluther, etc.
Just don’t show it to Mr Dickhead. He doesn’t deserve you. You deserve so much better and will find that now that you can move on from Mr Shithead.
Disconnect from him and leave it in the past.
Again, so sorry you are hurting.

redfeather's avatar

YOU JELLIES ARE THE BEST.

King_Pariah's avatar

@redfeather damn straight we are, now pass the whiskey.

nikipedia's avatar

He’s a grownass man with a FACEBOOK GIRLFRIEND he met AT CAMP? Is he going to invite you to the pen 15 club next?

Dumb. Have a drink and be glad you’re done with this loser.

redfeather's avatar

@King_Pariah it’s Dos Equis tonight. Stay thirsty, my friend.

creative1's avatar

I feel for you @redfeather and I am so sorry you are going through this situation. Before deleting him off facebook I would have posted on his wall a thank you for the sex you had before he went to see that girl because obviously she uses it too.

Londongirl's avatar

Actually, why not listen to what his explanation when he’s back? Just to see if there is any reason behind or to proof he’s a real asshole. Then decide, at least you can be sure after listen his side of the story…

redfeather's avatar

@Londongirl I’m tempted to…

Seelix's avatar

I’d listen to hear what he has to say. Then ditch him regardless. If he’s been stringing you along for 8 months with no official girlfriend title, you deserve better. Hell, you deserve better than 99% of the guys in the world. I don’t really have any advice, per se, but I wanted you to know that I love you.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

I too would listen to what he has to say but he’d hear an earful from me as well.

cockswain's avatar

There isn’t a whole lot you can do about it, so the wisest thing is just to move on. Painful and distracting, I know, but the best thing to do.

HOWEVER, when I was younger and such things would occasionally happen to me, I did very mean, vindictive things in revenge. And I enjoyed it so much I’m still not ashamed of it.

So pick your path without shame and don’t look back.

redfeather's avatar

I think I’ll listen, then tell him off, @Simone_De_Beauvoir.

I told my mom he said he wanted to talk. She said I should’ve told him he had time to talk to me on Tuesday and not to talk to him again. But I’m just itching to yell “Fucktard.”

redfeather's avatar

I’m also itching to say “I was usually faking.” and “it’s not as big as you think.”

cockswain's avatar

You could cleverly frame him for a misdemeanor.

Kardamom's avatar

Oh Boy, this is just one of those times where I wish I could drive up and find this guy and get out a bull horn and just start yelling in front of his house.

Since we don’t know anything about this other girl (and I guess we didn’t know anything about her at all until you got the FB message, or saw it on his wall, correct?) she probably had no idea about you either and she is likely to get in over her head and get screwed over as well.

Here’s an idea, if you feel up to it.

If you can message her through FB, you might want to send a very sweet note to her saying. Dear Wanda, you probably don’t know me, my name is Redfeather (be honest with her) but I have been dating Douche since January and we have been sexually intimate since then, seemingly as a monogamous couple, up until about an hour ago, when I saw a very public message stating that he was in a relationship with you. I have to tell you that that came as a complete shock and surprise to me. He never told me about you. I have no idea whether he told you that we have been involved as a couple for 8 months. Right now, I’m still just stunned to know that someone that I cared about and trusted could completely could blatantly lie about something so important as this. I pride myself on being and open and honest person, but I feel like I’ve been betrayed. I’m not blaming you, because I have the feeling that he may have also been stringing you along and lying to you too. Of course it’s over between Douche and I, as of an hour ago, but I just wanted to let you know what kind of a man you are dealing with. It wouldn’t surprise me to find out if he was cheating with other women as well. I for one am making an appointment to get tested for STD’s and I suggest that you might want to do the same, because I have no idea with whom he has been with other than myself. I don’t mean to hurt you in any way, I just wanted to let you know what the situation is so that you won’t get hurt too. I have no desire to talk to Douche ever again, because I lost all respect for him. He didn’t even have the decency to tell me in person. But if you want to be with him, then I wish you nothing but the best of luck. Feel free to message me back if you want to talk, otherwise, I will not bother you and know that I will not be interfering in your life.

By sending this type of a message to the girl, even if she’s the biggest be-atch on earth, she can’t accuse you of being one. She may not be a bad person at all, she might be in the exact same boat as you, meaning that she might not have known about you at all, either. But even if she did know all along and was part of the sick plot, this type of a note lets her know that you are just trying to be nice and give her a heads up. And if she shows it to Douche, you still come across smelling like a rose.

I am sooooooo sorry that this happened to you. I just want to find him, go to his work and put up posters all over the place with his face and Douchebag spray painted across it.

If he does end up wanting to explain it all to you, I think I would let him, and then let him have it, loudly and publicly if you can, letting him know that you were good and kind and loving toward him and he treated you with nothing but disrespect and cowardice and ask him why???? It would be even more fun, if you could ask him to explain it to you in front of a few of your friends. Preferably male friends, then those friends could do with him as they see fit after his explanation.

Don’t know what the situation is with the camp where he worked, but is it possible for you to contact them to let them know that he was “sleeping with the help” in front of children?

Neizvestnaya's avatar

@redfeather: 9 times out of 10, the guy knows it’s not as big as he’s hoping you’ll think it is. Heh.

tranquilsea's avatar

Listen to him BUT any guy who really was into you wouldn’t treat this way. You deserve more, you deserve better. It is a hard truth but a truth all the same: we teach people how to treat us. This is especially hard when it is someone you really like and care for. He’s playing you and you don’t deserve that.

Porifera's avatar

Do not listen to him. Nothing he can say on Monday will change the fact that he dropped you like a hot potato. If you meant anything to him, he wouldn’t have done that to you no matter what. Thinking of ways to take revenge is good as a way for you to get rid of your anger, but it’s nothing but a waste of time if you actually decide to go through with it. Revenge is a waste of energy too, you can use that energy in trying to move on. If you forgive him this time, he will probably do it again. You are very young and there are plenty of fish in the sea.

redfeather's avatar

@Porifera oh, I’d never date him again, that ship has sailed. But I like closure, and I like getting the last word. Especially if the last word is a profanity.

tranquilsea's avatar

Call him a wiener because that’s what he is.

blueiiznh's avatar

Sorry if this is a repeat but he is a Dickhead

redfeather's avatar

Cleverly frame him for a misdemeanor, eh? I like that idea.

Bellatrix's avatar

Deleting him from your Facebook and phone was the right thing to do. His “Chill, we will talk later” thing sounds to me like he feels he can treat you like shit, then string you a line and you will buy it. Don’t buy it. It has been eight months. He hasn’t committed and now he is off to make his friend from camp “Facebook official”? What does that even mean?

Everyone has told you. Dump him. I wouldn’t bother listening. He had eight months to talk to you. If he thought you were so valuable to his life, he would treat you with more respect and value. I keep saying it but I think it warrants repetition “people will treat you how you allow them to treat you”. Don’t let him treat you like this. You DO deserve better. You really, really do!

linguaphile's avatar

I agree with what many said- delete him, chalk it up to experience and move on. And learn from this, learn the red flags and how to avoid getting into a similar situation. You’ll be way ahead of many of us if you learn young how to protect yourself and deal with jerks like this. No matter what age you are, you’ll run into guys like this… at 23, at 40, at 55.

You could yell at him, be cold, be friendly— bottom line is if he’s a tool, he probably doesn’t care. Do what makes YOU feel better and allows you to regain your center. If you do talk to him, be careful of being sweet-talked into trusting him again (print out this thread to bring with you!)

Ooooh… I wish those types of guys had a flashing warning sign on their heads. They’re low, low, low.

Hibernate's avatar

No matter what you do you will be hurt.

One suggestion is putting this issue on his shoulders and make him pick you or her.
It’s not gonna be nice but if he goes to her you have someone else to blame [both of them] but if he comes to you it’s all good and peachy.
But when I say make him pick… well… you tell him he should stop contacting you or her.

augustlan's avatar

If the situation is really as it seems, I’ll be happy to go on a shin-kicking expedition for you. Do keep in mind, though, that it’s possible that the relationship status was a joke between friends. If so, he’s still an idiot for not realizing what that would feel like to you. And if he really has been a shithead all along, dump his ass anyway. {hugs} girlie.

SpatzieLover's avatar

I second @johnpowell‘s advice. Next time, go for the nerd or the geek.

For now, drink, wallow in your emotions and eat some ice cream.

JilltheTooth's avatar

Geez, I’m still laughing out loud at the whole “you know where your man was last Tuesday?! IN MY VAGINA.” thing, I love that idea! Count me in on the @augustlan “Angry Mommies On Parade” shin-kicking thing. You’re probably sober (and feeling a mite poorly) right now, it’s the next morning, but there’s a lot of really good advice up there. Whatever he says should have been said to you last Tuesday before the whole Adventure in Your Vagina…
Thinking about you, Sweetie, we all have your back, virtual as it may be…

redfeather's avatar

Lol @JilltheTooth mad as I wad, it made me laugh too haha. I actually feel much better this morning. (and not a mite bit hungover) two of his friends are actually pretty close and they are NOT happy with him. One called last night and she said, “you know what? He’s stupid. And not even that cute. And you’re gorgeous and you can have any guy you want and fuck him for screwing it up and being so dumb as to mess it up with you.” it went on and on in this girl power rant but she definitely helped. And so did all you jellies.

CWOTUS's avatar

You’ve already had better advice than I would have given, I suppose, unless I had already read all of the foregoing, so I probably won’t offer advice on “what to do about this guy”, because it seems that you’ve made your decisions already. And @johnpowell‘s advice for ‘next time’ is absolutely spot on. We’re not only ‘friendly and sometimes competent’, but so tremendously grateful for your attention, fashion and grooming advice and favors that your defects – if even recognized as such – will be cheerfully overlooked for years and years.

No. You know what to do with him already, especially if he has been a jerk to you in the past. “Awkwardness” and “lack of grace” is often excused (and then lovingly joked about later) but “being a jerk” is often – and rightly – a capital offense in a relationship.

So, since you aren’t going to have a “legal trial” for him on his return, but you also want to appear to be fair-minded and rational, do what many people already suggest we do with people “when we know they’re criminals” (and don’t have to actually be on the jury) ... give him a fair trial, and then hang him.

JilltheTooth's avatar

@redfeather , I’m glad you’re laughing and not feeling poorly! You go girl, tell your buddies they’re welcome to join the Shin-Kickin’ Jelly Brigade!

BTW, Happy 5K!

DarlingRhadamanthus's avatar

@blueiiznh…....Sometimes, a short answer says it all. Bravo.

lol

blueiiznh's avatar

@DarlingRhadamanthus When things are that obvious, it becomes a waste of effort and energy. Leave the turd lay where it belongs.
When a person does something wrong and is asking for a talk like this, they are only trying to justify or cleanse themselves in some way. If you are done with it and walking away (best to just run like hell in many cases), the silence will make them think and squirm in a way they deserve. They made their bed, they can sleep in it. There is no reason or good that is going to come out of it for you. Use your energy for something positive.

redfeather's avatar

I just returned from a long, driveway chat with my neighbor’s son who moved back home. Somehow in the conversation he told me I was “freakin hot”. Fuck. Yes.

Now who wants some cookies?

Bellatrix's avatar

I personally never doubted you were “freakin hot” for a second :D Hope you believe it too and uurm what type of cookie?

blueiiznh's avatar

Sounds like the neighbor’s son wants some cookies….....

redfeather's avatar

@Bellatrix strawberry fig newtons. It’s all I got in the cupboard but they’re mighty tasty.

@blueiiznh ;)

Bellatrix's avatar

I have never had one of those. They sound yummy. Send one over :D I will send you a jaffa cake.

I think @blueiiznh is on the money. How old is the neighbour’s son?

blueiiznh's avatar

mmmmmmmm midnight cookie snacks…. I am going to be dreaming about cookies now….

redfeather's avatar

Jaffa cake… Hmmm….. I’m suspicious.

He’s younger than me, but he’s legal ;)

Kardamom's avatar

OMG! @redfeather I think you just coined a new term for a fantastic movie, involving sexual tension between a young hot mama that’s been around the block a couple of times and the naive, but sexy young neighbor boy who just came back from school.

Imagine this dialogue with southern accents.

Boy: You sure are pretty Miss, I’d love to get my hands on those sweet soft fruits of you’rn.

Redfeather: It’s all I got in the cupboard, but they’re mighty tasty.

Starring Brad Pitt and Susan Sarandon. (even though both of those actors are way older than you and this young neighbor feller).

Hee hee : )

redfeather's avatar

@Kardamom haaaaaaahahaha oh man. That’s hilarious.

Bellatrix's avatar

Biscuit porn…

redfeather's avatar

@Kardamom Can it be Ryan Reynolds and Penelope Cruz instead? I was just thinking about this as I was washing my hair. I also have a great song for the trailer. Bonus points if you can listen to the whole thing without giggling. I can’t.

Kardamom's avatar

@redfeather That’s perfect!

redfeather's avatar

@Kardamom, did you giggle?!

Kardamom's avatar

@redfeather Oh yes : )

P.S. Did Mr. Douche ever call or come over to tell why he’s such a big douche?

josie's avatar

I wouldn’t put up with that for one more minute. No matter who it was.

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