How can I become myself and not be a poser?

Welcome to Fluther.

This is an interesting question coming from someone so young. It shows a great deal of maturity.

Do you have any hobbies like sports or band or music or such? Try to find something you really enjoy doing that will take you out of the circle of thugs and give it your all. Excel at it. You’ll grow in the process and mature above your peers.

Being yourself is a piece of piss (how charming) It must be hard work pretending to be something you’re not & for what? Just relax, let yourself go & it’ll all come together.

Fit in with whom? Maybe you need to find another place to fit in?

Pretending to be someone you’re not is ultimately exhausting, counterproductive, time-wasting and futile.

Try being yourself and see where it lands you?

(Darlin’, you mean “need“or “wish” rather than “thrive.”)

You have to know yourself somewhat for this to happen. Don’t be embarrassed if you like something, if someone asks you about it, explain why you like it and stick to your guns. When people want to conform, they will pretend or hide their interests, so be proud and able to defend your personal choices.

Where do you want to fit in, school, work, college?

By fitting in, what do you most stand to gain? Is it a particular social circle, girl/guy you want to date, respect from immediate and extended family?

Ask yourself, what matters the very most this year? Next year?

What’s the biggest life change coming up for you that “fitting in” is going to help with?

Well, first of all anyone who is a thug or tries to pose as a thug should probably ask themselves why? I can’t see anything positive coming out of acting like a thug. All it does is make people afraid of you, or disgusted by you. If you actually are a thug, then you’ve got to make a conscious decision to change your life, how you act towards other people, how you treat people and how you will lead an exemplary life. You can find out how to do that, and learn new/better ways of behaving by talking to your guidance counselor at school, setting up an appt. to talk with police officers in your town and even talking with your pastor or priest or rabbi, if you are religious.

If you aren’t really a thug (but have just been pretending) then you need to sort yourself out. You may have to decide to stop hanging out with other thuggy types of people, because just being associated with thugs will make people think that you are also a thug, or that you support the bad behavior associated with being a thug.

You need to sit yourself down and start asking yourself a bunch of questions.

What kind of person do I want to be?
Do I want to be a kind and compassionate and useful person?
Do I want people to simply like me, or do I want them to like me and respect me?
What do I consider to be respect? Is it something I get by acting tough and forcing it on people or is it something I get because I’ve tried hard, and done good deeds and made a positive difference in people’s lives?
Am I brave enough to do the “right thing” rather than just the “popular thing”?
What do I think are the right kinds of things? Service to others, strong work ethic, compassion towards other living beings? Taking responsibility for my actions? Thinking things through before I act? Taking other people into consideration before I do something rather than just “doing what I want”?
Do I think that education and learning are important? If so, why?
Am I willing to learn how to delay my own gratification for the benefit of myself, other people, the planet, our society etc?
Am I willing to be more patient and not so quick to anger?
Am I willing to learn to not get angry at things that are not worth getting angry over (like perceived disrespect, or perceived transgressions against me, or random acts of other people making mistakes that were not made on purpose)?
Am I willing to take a stand on things that are truly important? To make a difference, rather than just sitting back and watching, or doing nothingand letting the chips fall where they may?
Do I want to treat people kindly? To trust them first, before forming a negative opinion about what they “might do to wrong me”?
Do I want to let other people shine, instead of always taking the credit (rightfully or otherwise) for myself.
Am I willing to let people know how much I appreciate them, or love them or admire them for their skills and talents and hard work?
Am I willing to work hard, to do a good job (rather than simply putting in the minimal effort)?
Am I willing to work harder than I need to, to make a real difference in people’s lives, or to help someone who doesn’t have the means (money, skills, ability etc.) to help themselves?
Am I willing to stop looking at people who seem different and automatically having a negative opinion about them (which may cause me to be mean to them or to avoid them or to marginalize them) instead of getting to know them and finding out more about their situation, or background or culture?
What is important to me?

Once you answer these questions, then you can go about asking people for assistance, taking classes, educating yourself on how to do these things, or how to do them better or how to do them in such a way that they benefit others, rather than just you. You can also figure out ways (whether it’s through counseling, classes, being mentored, reading books, asking more Fluther questions) on how to deal with anxiety, fear of not fitting in, learning how to be successful and strong, learning how to take charge of your life and other situations without knocking others down.

Find out what activities please you (whether or not other people think they are cool or hip). If you like to read, then read. If you like to sew or knit, then do that. If you like to hike or run or ride bikes, then do that. Don’t worry about whether or not the “cool people” will think you’re cool. It doesn’t really matter. Think about what is important to you, seek out those activities and like minded people. Don’t worry about what you look like or what kind of clothes you think you “ought to be wearing to appear to be cool”. Dress how you like (but consider the appropriateness of the clothes you might be wearing in certain social situations, like church or school or at work, or at your elderly relatives’s Thanksgiving dinner). Think about appropriateness in addition to wearing whatever pleases you at any given moment.

Strive to be a good person, rather than a cool person.

Strive to be a patient person, a good listener and someone who considers others when making decisions. You can’t please everyone all of the time, and that should not be your goal, but you should always think about whether or not your actions, or your attitude or your way of doing something could potentially hurt people (whether it’s your friends, family and loved ones, or simply a total stranger).

Strive to be a well rounded person. Get lots of information on all sorts of subjects, consider other viewpoints before you come to any beliefs or conclusions, and be willing to change your mind if other evidence gets presented that goes against what you thought was correct, or turns out not to be the case. And be willing to admit that you were wrong.

Strive to do good deeds. Help people when they need help (in whatever capacity you can give help) give praise when praise is due. Give emotional comfort to those who need it. Be self-effacing and not grandiose. Accept compliments with grace and thankfulness. Be grateful for that which you have received (even stuff that isn’t exactly what you wanted). Step up to the plate and help others who are down on their luck, in poor health, are not as smart as you, or who don’t have anyone else to help them. Don’t angrily shout, “What!?” instead kindly and sincerely ask, “What can I do for you today?”

You just start being yourself. First, if you don’t like the people you are hanging around with, drop them.

Then, indulge your real interests. If you like science or math, rad about it, Do it. If you like music or reading, do those things. FInd, through clubs and meet-up groups, other people who like to do them.

It may take a while to drop the pose. Before you open your mouth to speak, stop and think about what you really want to say.

It will be good to find your authentic self now!

I tried to pretend to be what I thought the girls wanted once or twice in my life. It was pathetic. First of all, I wasn’t what I was trying to be so it wasn’t authentic. So everyone could see I was a poser.

I’ve also tried to be what I thought employers wanted, and that was just as successful as my attempts to impress girls. I.e., I was still a virgin at age 20, and that wasn’t for lack of trying. I have still never worked for a major corporation, and I never will.

The potential employers could see right through me, no matter what I tried to do. I’m just no private enterprise material.

The only way to get away with an act is to practice, practice, practice. It takes a lot of work, and for what? Why do you want to fit in with these people? You probably don’t even like them. You probably just want to be cool.

But face it. You are not cool. At least, not the way they are. If you want to be cool, you have to be cool by being yourself. And it’s really, really easy to be yourself. Just stop trying to be someone else. That’s all it takes. Instead of always watching yourself and trying to make yourself fit in, give up. Let yourself do what you would naturally do. The easy thing for you to do. Forget about fitting in.

Now I know you are in high school, and in high school there is no life if you don’t fit in. Or so it feels. You’re probably smarter than that, though. You must know there is a life after high school and as soon as you leave high school, nothing that happened there will be relevant any more.

So if you face a year of not being popular, suffer through it. It soon won’t matter. And you may not even have to suffer. You may just have to be lonely, and maybe not even lonely. Maybe you’ll find a girl who isn’t cool either, and make friends with her.

So just stop pretending. You’ll be yourself naturally. You don’t have to try to be anyone else. You will probably find that people actually appreciate you more for being yourself than they do for you posing as someone else. I’ll tell you. It took me fifty years to learn that lesson. I hope it doesn’t take you as long. It’s so nice to give up and be yourself. So nice.