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funkdaddy's avatar

A friend and I had a disagreement, should I still attend their wedding in a few weeks?

Asked by funkdaddy (13189 points ) February 12th, 2012

A close friend (old roommate, groomsman in my wedding, 15 years hanging out) and I had an argument a few weeks ago. He feels I went against my word and let he and his new lady down.

Since then he’s been all business and passive aggressive towards me when we have to interact. Not rude, just cold. I tried to address it directly but we just disagree and he’s hurt. I get that.

I’ve opted out on the bachelor party, but feel missing his wedding would be a “big deal” and mark the end of a friendship. At the same time, I don’t want to be rude by showing up and causing any grief for him or his fiancee.

Right now I’m planning on attending and just feeling it out. I’ll know about half the people at the wedding, can leave after the ceremony, and want them both to know I wish them well.

Am I out of line on this? Is it worse to miss the wedding or show up and possibly be a negative on their big day?

What would you do and why?

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19 Answers

Kardamom's avatar

I think we need more info on this one. It completely depends upon what you did, or what he thinks you did. Some things are just a momentary lapse, other things are completely un-forgiveable. What did you do, how did he react and then what happened?

auhsojsa's avatar

You gotta be there man. Bachelors even. Come to your senses and say sorry you will regret this. I would big time.

tranquilsea's avatar

I’d go and respectfully pay my respects and then steer clear of them. I’d cut out early too if it was that awkward.

punkrockworld's avatar

I think you have to be there, but at the same time you would not want to go somewhere you’re not wanted (which I do not think is the case). Maybe you can call or text them to let them know you want to go but feel unsure of the situation. This should be a happy time and I think it would not be the same without you there. Say you’re sorry and yes.. if you feel uncomfortable at any time, just leave. At least you had the decency to go and pay your respects like @tranquilsea mentioned.

filmfann's avatar

Ask him what he thinks.

dappled_leaves's avatar

It sounds like you’re in a no-win situation here. Do what your gut tells you, and don’t beat yourself up about it either way – probably he’ll be ticked off no matter what you do. But after you do finally reconcile, make sure he knows how hard you tried to do what he wanted about the wedding. It might be important to him (just… you know, not while he’s still pissed off at you).

Coloma's avatar

You said ” He feels I went against my word…”
Well..did you?
The way you presented this sounds like you’re not taking responsibility.
When someone makes a statement like that they are not asking if you agree with them, they are making a statement as to how they feel/perceive something.

Did you acknowledge his feelings, sincerely apologize, or argue against his feelings and perceptions? Either you went against your word or you didn’t, either you owned it or you didn’t. I have zero patience for people that won’t take responsibility for their shit, maybe he doesn’t either.

We’re waiting for you to give us the lowdown without smoke and mirrors. ????

zenvelo's avatar

First of all, have you apologized? If so, can you honestly say “I want to show my support for you and your bride and wish you well in your marriage, are you okay if I attend your wedding?”

You really need to ask him. And if you have properly apologized, he needs to demonstrate that he accepts it. If he doesn’t and you aren’t welcome at the wedding, your friendship may be irreparable.

funkdaddy's avatar

Re: “What I did”

I left it out intentionally, not to hide it, but because it’s long and drawn out and the question isn’t really about what happened.

Briefly: I make websites for a living, he asked me how much to do a web site for his wedding. I said I’d be happy to do it for free, he’s a friend. I met with him and his fiancee, came up with a design and was working towards getting it done.

Then my wife got pregnant (yeah!) and had complications (boo!) and was told to sleep 12–14 hours a day. She cut her work days back to two a week and was nauseous constantly along with the worrying. I had to pick up the slack on everything in our shared life. At the same time my parents let me know they were getting a divorce after 37 years of being married. It was unexpected.

I dealt with my wife first, my parents second, paying clients third, and everything else next. I was going constantly and still not getting everything done. He got insistent, I explained I was working on it and was sorry for the delay. He called on a Friday night and left me a message. Saturday I woke up to the sound of my front door opening and someone who’s voice I didn’t recognize calling my name. He’d apparently knocked, but decided to try the door and come inside. He wanted to talk to me about the site.

I’d been asleep for about 2 hours after staying up trying to finish a client project, I was exhausted, overwhelmed, and confronted in my house. I lost my cool.

I’ve apologized for losing my cool, for the delays, and explained I still was happy to finish the site ASAP but it would be about two weeks. I had about 15 hours of work left to do on it.

His position is that we all have things on our plate and I’d broken my word. From his view, he tried to pay me, so if it was going to be a problem, I should have just taken the money and prioritized it.

From my view I had to prioritize my family. My clients understand this, I’m hurt that a friend could not.

Since then it’s been all business.

Coloma's avatar

@funkdaddy

In that case I think your “friend” is an insensitive ass. If he couldn’t understand the massive amount of stress you have been under, well…his loss.

funkdaddy's avatar

@Coloma – Thank you but I don’t want it to be either of our losses. A wedding and the pressures of a new extended family are stressful too. As far as I’m concerned it’s a wash, we’ve both been lame. That’s why I left it out.

Coloma's avatar

@funkdaddy

Crappy situation, hope you guys can get straight with each other again.

Bellatrix's avatar

He is undoubtedly stressed about his upcoming wedding but he isn’t being very sensitive to your long list of troubles either. I hope your wife is okay, your parents are managing to be caring through their divorce and that your work situation is settling down.

As to the wedding, I would try to resolve things again. He is a long term friend and you obviously care about him. If he won’t talk, send him a letter explaining where your life was at the time and tell him you would like to be at his wedding but you will respect his wishes. I find, and this is just my thing, that sometimes when tempers are short, writing a letter allows people to read it and reflect before responding. It might give him pause for thought. I hope so. It would be very sad for you both to lose a valuable friendship.

JLeslie's avatar

When is the wedding? Can you hire someone to help you finish it up? Did you tell him ahead that you would be late with the website and why? Or, just not come through? If I were your friend I would want you at my wedding, and I would offer again to pay, and ask you to recommend someone who can get it done, to take the responsibility off of you. I would probably never do business with you again, but after being great friends for many years, I would want to keep the friendship.

Weddings are a lot of pressure, so he is probably stressed out and on edge. Just do what you can to make everything right. I guess maybe ask him if he wants you at the bachelors party and wedding, but be sure to state you want to go, or he might assume you are asking permission to not go, or that you are being obnoxious. I don’t thnk it is obnoxious at all to ask, but some people twist everything said when they are pissed, and if he is like that you will have to be clear on your intention in the asking.

Actually, maybe don’t ask anything. If he has not told you to not come to the wedding, just go to it. He gets married once, and if you guys make up in a two months it will have been awful you didn’t go to the wedding.

john65pennington's avatar

You and your friend can argue anytime.

His wedding only occurs once(hopefully)and you may regret not being there.

Go.

jca's avatar

I would call him and talk to him about it. Ask him how he feels about you attending. Tell him you’re fine with it either way, but you don’t want your presence to stress him out on his big day. Explain that you also don’t want to cause a permanent rift by not attending, if he really still wants you to, because of your history together. Make it clear that your intention is to attend the wedding, but you want to clarify how he feels.

Please post an update as to how things turn out. Wishing you all the best with your friendship and your wife’s pregnancy.

JCA
The Update Lady

sliceswiththings's avatar

Damn, I agree with your friend being an insensitive ass! He doesn’t even deserve a wedding OR a website. Go, take advantage of the food and drinks, and let him realize his mistake and come to you.

lemming's avatar

Ya I think you should go to the wedding too..it’ll blow over eventually. So what he made a mistake, he was probably swamped with all the wedding stuff etc too.

keobooks's avatar

I think the only mistake you made was not telling him immediately when things went wrong and you had to put it on the back burner while he still had time to make other arrangements. He’s probably all stressed out from wedding crap and over-reacting.

Go to the wedding. In a few years, I doubt either of you will have the web site anywhere on your mind. If you don’t go, it will take something relatively minor and blow it out of proportion. You both have reason to be ticked off at each other. But it’s not worth a friendship.

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