Being “in-love” often means the over-hyped rush of infatuation that we often feel when a romantic interest is new. Once the relationship is pursued and we get to know the object of our desire even better, they will show us their human flaws at some point; and the more time spent together, the more they become a regular part of our lives. After even more time, people change, life and time take their toll, and we grow tired and look different. At some point the rush fades, and if the relationship has been built on the false Hollywood fueled expectation of “Happily Ever-After”, a sense of disappointment and even resentment might develop. Sometimes it happens early on, sometimes it is part of a mid-life crisis. True unconditional love outlasts the infatuation phase and never puts expectations on the other person to look a certain way, act a certain way, or to “make me happy”. If someone says they love you but are not in-love with you, that means they like you and care about you, but you don’t live up to their expectations.
My personal experience was in my early 40s, a time when one would think people are matured and have experienced enough real life to not have these issues. I met a guy online and we began dating, and we clicked very well. He got all swept up in the newness and I tried to keep my feet on the ground. I didn’t realize just how recently he had made some big life changes – I thought some had been well over a year prior to our meeting, but I later learned it was all a matter of a few months – so in some ways, I was a rebound and distraction from those old habits and situations. There were bumps and mis-steps along the way, but we’d reconcile. Several months in, we went on a camping trip together. When we returned, he was showing some photos at work, and a colleague of his commented about being surprised that he was with someone overweight, and “he could do better” than me. Shallow asshole had never met me, and knew next to nothing about our relationship, but felt qualified to judge me based on my appearance. Anyhow, after that it never was right again. The ex seemed caught in a cycle of shame: embarrassed to be with someone that looked like me, but ashamed for being embarrassed because he did love me and knew my value as a person. The damage was done, and after a few months he said he loved me but wasn’t attracted to me (another part of the “in-love” expectation for most people).
Through the experience above of not meeting someone’s expectations, and having my love tried and tested in other ways, I realized that I had reached a point in my personal growth that I was able to give love without need or expectations, and that it was foolish to settle for anything less than the same from my partner. I recognize that the experience I had of being judged on my appearance was a necessary test of my own personal development of self-love. Having been molested as a child, I had been full of self-loathing and body image issues for most of my life. By coming out of that relationship with my sense of dignity intact, I knew that I have reached a level of personal integrity I never imagined I’d reached.
I love all my exes, even those that I chose to end the relationship with, as well as the guy I described above. I define Love in two ways: Love (noun) a feeling of deep caring, and Love (verb) actions that put the best interest of the other party first (even when those are difficult or emotionally painful). The relationships I ended were difficult decisions, and what was best for everyone involved – including my son. It wasn’t that I had fallen out of love with them, it was that despite loving them strongly, neither they nor I were emotionally stable enough for us to have a healthy relationship – breaking up was an act of love for all of us to learn and move on. I have no regrets.
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