How can I learn to accept compliments more graciously?
Two nights ago I went to Dunkin Donuts with a friend. She knows I don’t drink coffee but, after placing her order, she jokingly said to the cashier “she would like one, too.” I started laughing and told him that she was just kidding. He then said to me “you have such beautiful complexion.” I (awkwardly) said “thank you” and he proceeded to tell me how beautiful I was. I waved him off dismissively and jokingly said to my friend “he’s just saying that so I can buy something.” Later she retold the story to one of our guy friends and he told me that I need to learn to accept compliments.
Then yesterday, while at work, the same friend with whom I had gone to DD the night before was having a conversation with the guest she was assisting (they happened to be from the same town). A friend of the guest’s, who had been waiting for her in the lobby, came up to the desk and joined in on the conversation. He pulled out his camera and took a picture of me without my noticing it. My friend told me to wave to the camera and I asked why, to which the guy replied “you’re really cute.” Although I was appreciative of his compliment, I (again) waved him off and walked away.
I’m not a rude person by any means but I’ve been thinking about my reaction to these two situations and I’ve come to realize how ungracious and snobby I must’ve come off. The worst part is that this is how I always react to compliments. My managers and co-workers constantly compliment me on my wok and yet I always dismiss them and whenever someone compliments me on my looks, I blush like a lunatic and wave them off.
I don’t have low self-esteem and am happy with how I look, so I don’t really understand why I react the way I do when given a compliment. My only guess is that it may have something to do with the fact that I hate being the center of attention. Growing up, my parents always impressed upon me the importance of being humble. However, I fear that my modesty makes me come off as ungrateful and rude.
How can I learn to accept compliments more graciously and not offend people with my unintentionally rude reactions?
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Just as you did to the Dunkin’ Donuts guy, saying “thank you” is all it takes. If it is a really nice compliment, say “thank you very much, I appreciate it.”
Self deprecation discounts what the other person is saying. Humility is nice, but you can be humble by just being thankful and not going on about it one way or the other. So just be open to saying “Thank you” and nothing more.
I have had an issue of not accepting compliments, it took work in therapy.
Just practice it. Accepting people’s sincere compliments with grace is also a manifestation of humility!
Edit: But both of those examples sound like they were as much unwanted advances as compliments. Taking a photo of a stranger in public because they’re “cute” is borderline creepy…
@zenvelo Therein lies the problem. I can say “thank you,” but I also always either dismiss the compliment with a self-deprecating comment or feel the need to return the compliment. This is partly due to my somewhat sarcastic sense of humor and partly because I hate being the center of attention. I guess my main problem is learning how to just say “thank you” and leaving at that.
You are under zero obligation to “accept” compliments that have nothing to do with achievement or which are unsought or (especially) those that come with strings attached, such as (this is never spoken aloud, but you know it’s there), “I’ve said something nice about you, now it’s your turn to say something nice about me, or be my friend, or reciprocate in some other way.”
Assuming you are as attractive as these incidents demonstrate you might be, I can well understand your reluctance to accept such compliments. You don’t have to. I’ve known many very good-looking women who feel the same discomfort that you feel. When you’re complimented by a close friend, a lover or other partner, then it’s a different issue entirely (and you should learn to accept compliments from those people gracefully), but many people are manipulative in their issuance of “compliments” to strangers, and you have to be able to recognize them and… shut them down with grace.
I would say, “Thanks,” as a full stop and acknowledgment that “I heard and understood what you said,” and then change the subject. That’s what you might want to practice doing gracefully: segues.
Practice, practice, practice. Just say “thank you” without the disclaimer. I’m still working on it. However, if it feels creepy you can also be a bit curt or add something like, “I’d prefer you not take my picture.”
Are you uncomfortable with compliments or flirting…or both?
See, where does it say that you have to? Nowhere that’s where!!
A casual well intentioned compliment is fine, so long as there’s no hidden agenda…i’m thinking creeps who place your gratitude in their “wank bank” & take out a “deposit” in the privacy of their homes.
Just nod, smile & move away.
@bookish1 Neither guy struck me as creepy, they were both quite sweet (I say this because I have dealt with my fair share of creeps and I never feel badly for turning them down).
@CWOTUS Thank you for your response, there’s a lot of food for thought in there! My problem is with every kind of compliment, even those related with my personal/academic/professional/etc achievements, not just the kinds I mentioned in those two scenarios.
@janbb I’m a terrible flirt, I don’t even attempt it! haha So yes, I’m uncomfortable with both. Although, most of the time I don’t even recognize when someone is flirting with me, until way after the fact (if at all).
@ucme I know I don’t have to, but in my question I’m referring to well-intentioned compliments and not wanting to seem rude in those instances. That second to last sentence (“wank bank”) is quite funny.
Smile and say “Thank you so much. That’s so nice of you.” That’s all.
@jordym84,
This is partly… because I hate being the center of attention.
Anything but a simple, sincere “thank you” is going to hold the attention on you for a while longer and possibly spotlight your awkwardness and unease. If that’s not what you want, just practice those two words (with a smile, if you can manage it) until they come naturally.
I have found that ladies from the south of the US are very adept at this. They reflect the subject back to the person who made the comment. “How nice of you to say so.” “Thanks for asking” “Aren’t you sweet to comment?” I wish I could do that automatically. But a smile and, “Thank you” is the best I can do.” Or just a smile and a nod of the head. If you can blush on purpose, that’s good too. (I can’t)
@Jeruba Excellent point! I hadn’t thought of it that way…
@Sunny2 I, too, wish it came more easily to me. I can blush, or rather, I can feel my face growing hot, but you can’t really tell that I’m blushing because of my tan complexion. lol
Give some compliments and observe others in how they respond .
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