Mah Mama always told me...?
Forrest Gump’s mom said life (lahf) is like a box o chocolates. What wonderful, or weird, or dangerous advice were you given when you were young(er)... by mom or grandpa, or creepy uncle Horace?
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“If it hurts when you breathe, don’t breathe.”
Gma – Get married and have children as late in life as you can, you have plenty of time to live for others, but little time to live for yourself.
Gpa- If you can’t sit on a stump for an hour, you aren’t worth jack-sh&t as a human being.
Mom- Live for Jesus, and if someone tells you something ugly about themselves, you better believe it, don’t fool yourself you can change them.
Mah Mama always used to tell:
You better finish all your food, there are millions of starving kids out there.
Wait until you have kids.
I’m not your maid.
Money doesn’t grow on trees.
And now I tell my daughter !
“Black men are obsessed fair blond girls. Never let one near you, never sit on the subway next to one and NEVER EVER talk to them. You could be raped and murdered.”
“Consider marrying and old man with a lot of money. He will very likely die while you are still young and pretty enough to marry for love (but never tell a guy you have money until after he proposes or marries you). You’ll have money and you’ll learn fast that money is everything in life.”
“Jews date white girls when they are young so that they can sleep with them, and then they marry Jewish girls to enrich the family fortune. Stay away from Jew, they are ugly anyway.”
“Ginnie’s (sometimes wops) are mama’s boys and cheat on their wives, and they’re ugly anyway.”
“If you carry a baby low it’s a girl. If you carry a baby high, it’s a boy.” I carried both my kids low and both were boys.”
“Swedish women love black men. It’s ruining Sweden.”
“Swedish people all dance around their Christmas trees with wreaths with lit candles on their heads. It’s a beautiful tradition they never give up.”
All swedes are blonds.
I think I’ve buried a lot of it.
“Stop pulling it or it’ll fall off.”
She was wrong of course, instead it made my babies…which was nice :)
“I know what you’re doing in the bathroom, don’t think I don’t know. Get out of their now.” I didn’t use the bathroom for what she was talking about, I used my bed. I was taking a bath.
“Everybody go to the bathroom before you get in bed. If I hear anyone up after lights are out, Dad will beat you up.”
“Hitler should have finished the job.”
@KNOWITALL: I could write more but I’m getting depressed. Thanks for being sympathetic – she was worse as she got old.
My mama told me “Someday I hope you have one JUST LIKE YOU”! I told her I hoped so too, because I want to know how I’d turn out if I had a GOOD mom.
I did,she does, and I’m so proud.
ADDENDUM- Is there advice someone should have given you, and didn’t?
My dad similar to your mom @MadMadMax . I endured a lecture one day…
“Don’t marry a farmer, don’t marry a n_ _ _ _ _, don’t marry a wetback, don’t marry a trucker, don’t marry a politician.”
I listened to his rant.
Later, while he read his newspaper, I called a friend of mine,“Guess what, MY DAD WANTS ME TO BE A LESBIAN!”
Wow, did that rip a string of angry words out of him!
Mah Momma always told me “QUIT CRYIN’! YA AIN’T DAID!”
My mama always told me that if I “do IT” before marriage I would go to hell. Well, clearrly I am going to go to “hell” multiple times. lol
No matter how smart you are, there’s always someone who’s smarter than you.
Notice how he treats you in a large group or crowd.
O! Mah Momma once told me that if I French kissed a boy I might as well go all the way because they get so excited. I was about 14. I thought it was stupid then. Now, I know it’s stupid!
If I had a fork or some such in my hand and it came up close to shoulder height I would be reminded that ‘you can put somebody’s eye out with that’.
Most annoying:
“Clean up your room.”
Most insistently:
“Yes, you are good at maths.” It took about eighteen years for me to believe that.
Most important:
“Dad loves you guys, no matter where he is.”
My mama always told me.
Don’t answer the door before peeking through the peep hole.
God gave you a mouth, so use it. (She was referring to defending yourself verbally.)
Someone hits you, hit them back. Don’t worry about what they will do to you, worry about what I will do to you if I find out, you stood their like a pendeja. (fool)
You better pee before we go out because I am not stopping at any bathrooms. (Still with me till today. I always have to make a dash to the bathroom before leaving home. LOL)
Friends are only friends so long as they can get something from you. The day that stops, is the day they no longer know you.
What is said in this house, stays in this house.
If you want something done the right way, do it yourself.
Nothing in life is free. Everything comes with a string attached.
I raised you to have your own mind, so don’t let others push you around.
No, you can’t have what everyone has. Why? Because you live here and not there. LOL
“Stop doing that…....OH JESUS, don’t EAT it !!!.....
Oh, dear God, where did I go wrong ??”
“if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all”
” if you hear a bad rumor about someone, don’t repeat it because it may be false. Even if it is true, it’s still kinder not to repeat it.”
“the way these people drive, they must be from off” (translated as “up north somewhere”)
If you can’t pay cash, you don’t need it.
It’s poisonous (We lived in the sticks and that applied to everything from mulberries to rhubarb).
You’re too lazy to work and you’ll probably never hold a job.
@KNOWITALL My mom was small, feisty and scary. Even the tough kids in the neighborhood were intimidated by her. Mostly because my mom made it clear she would kick their parents butt if she had too. So the parents made sure their kids either avoided our family or didn’t do anything that would bring my mom to their door. She made it her business to know, exactly where each kid lived. The parents also knew that if they ever had a problem with any of us, that she would handle it. They were not allowed to lay a hand on any of us. LOL
@Pandora That’s funny!! My mom was always the cool mom, I think most of my friends preferred to hang out with her more than me. She is only 5 foot tall and pretty tough when it came to protecting us kids, though, so they have that in common- lol, dynamite comes in small packages I guess. :)
She’d say, “he who dances must pay the fiddler.” I’ll bet that was an old one. When she’d buy something, “cheap at twice the price.’ Not sure what that meant . When I was lazy, “Who do you think you are? The Queen of Sheba?” Never knew who she was. When my room was messy, “This place looks like a pig sty.” Did I spell that right?
If I suggested something she was wearing was unappealing or our house was ugly, “If people don’t like it they don’t have to look.”
Now I wish I could hear her say these things again.
“Don’t eat it until it’s gone.”
Always remember that the wolf comes in sheeps clothing.
My dad had no interest whatsoever in teaching me to drive, so the task fell to Mah Mama. She was a nervous driver and laid all kinds of weird little pieces of advice on me, some of which haunt me to this day. For example, she told me several times, “Don’t worry about the car in front of you stopping short; it’s the one in front of him you should keep an eye on.”
What mother meant, of course, was, to be mindful of more than just the car directly in from of yours, which is still good advice. But when I repeated her exact words to my dad (in an effort to demonstrate my growing driving proficiency) he yelled at her “What the hell are you telling the kid that for? Didn’t you ever heard of the car in front of you stopping suddenly?”
“If a job’s worth doing, it’s worth doing well.” It was something her father always told her.
@Pachyderm_In_The_Room LOL…I will never forget driving with my daughter on a tiny little unlined country road down to our house with an oncoming giant hay truck to the left and about a 600 year old Oak tree with a 30 foot girth to the right of us, right at the roads edge.
I told her to slow down.
Typical teenagers reply ” I’m FINE! I swear we missed that tree by about one inch! 0-o
Keep making that face and eventually it’ll get stuck like that.
Eat your vegetables, there are starving children in Honduras who would LOVE to have those.
Having two true friends is better than having a lot of fair weather ones.
Enjoy your gorgeous figure. In this family, once you hit 25, it’ll all go to hell.
And mah daddy always tol’ me: Never start a fight, but if someone starts one with you, you damn well finish it.
@kritiper, I don’t get it. Did you leave something out, or did you grow up on advice that confusing? how can you eat what’s gone? Your post reminded something my cousin used to say. Picture pa kettle and his slow speech. “Stayed below 50 all night. Road kill is okay to eat.” He wouldn’t, but he loved saying bizarre stuff like that. I pulled up in his driveway one day. He said, “Know what I found out today? If you throw a cat at the garage, they stick.” (His was an old, rickety, wood garage.) I pictured the poor cat hanging on for dear life, and wondering what he did.
@WillWorkForChocolate My Mom said that to my sister once. My sister snapped, “Well, box it up and send it to the starving kids in Africa then!” My sister had a mouth on her.
@Pachyderm_In_The_Room I hated driving “lessons” with my mom too. Out on my first foray into town, I was stopped at a stop sign at a fairly busy intersection. When to go was at my discretion. I was scared to death. There came a point when the nearest car was about 6 blocks away. My Mom said, “GO Val!” I still hesitated and she started screaming “GO GO GO GO!!!! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR??!!” Was I supposed to just FLOOR it? I still didn’t go. I just calmly told her I didn’t feel comfortable jumping out “in front” of that car.
Mom called me everything but stupid.
Those are the things I remember, and the things I strove to avoid doing to my own kids.
When I was a wee lad I’d pout sometimes and my mother would say, “if you keep pushing that lip out, a little bird is going to come land on it!”
The two best pieces of advice I ever got were from me grandmama. She told me, “You don’t have to like everybody, but be good to everyone you can. You never know who’s going to be on hand if your life is in danger one day.” The Navy told me that, in different language.
I aske me grandmama for the other great piece of advice. I told her that I’d had relationships good and bad, but none still happening. She’d outlived two terrific husbands. I asked her how did she know these guys would go the distance with her. She said, “You look at your man. Think about him when he’s old, and can’t see so well anymore. If you can picture yourself changing his diapers every day for him, and still love him, that’s the guy.”
She was right. I never saw myself changing any diapers on a man.
“Nobody is ever gonna buy the cow if they can get the milk for free.”
“A nod is as good as a wink, to a blind horse”
(What ?)
Oh, I’m sorry….The Faces told me that, not Mom…
“Even a blind sow finds an acorn now and then.”
(Junk collecting friend actually told me that one, and we’ve abbreviated to, ‘Boy, did I find an acorn today!)
@OneBadApple
“The Faces?” I hope that’s not akin to talking dogs?
Wow, I just noticed how psychotic that sounds.
The Faces were an early-70s band who began as The Small Faces, but later shortened it. Rod Stewart was in there, and…..somebody and somebody and somebody else….
Phew. I had this mental of you standing at the mirror, conversing with “The Faces”.
In gibberish, no less.
You know what ?......For a few seconds, so did I…..
(and, for me, ‘gibberish’ is a second language)
(if I could claim authorship of a single poem, it would be “Jabberwocky”)
And Theodor Seuss Geisel will always be a hero to me…
@Jonesn4burgers – Yes, it’s a weird statement! In other words, save some for later.
Mah Momma allus told me…If you’re walking down the street and you see someone without a smile, give them one of yours!
“Don’t eat them til they’re all gone.”
Never French kiss a boy. You might as well go all the way if you do. ??? I thought it was dumb then and I still do!
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