General Question

emanuelegomes's avatar

How to deal with religious parents at 18?

Asked by emanuelegomes (296 points ) 2 months ago

Ok so this is basically my lifestory.
I’m a daughter of illegal immigrants and I currently am legal because of the dream act. I’m 18 and I have to follow rules like I can’t get a job whilst in high school because it’ll get in the way of my school work, I can’t date a guy who isn’t christian and it is preferred that he is from the same country as mine, Brasil. I have to go to church friday-sunday, no going out with people they haven’t met, I can’t keep my cellphone in my room past ten, barely attend school events, can’t join school sports if it’s going to interfere with sunday service at church, cannot go to my own church that I choose, cannot wear shorts during the summer, and then the normal ones, no drinking, no smoking, curfew.
Here comes the problems.
I have a boyfriend of seven months, he isn’t christian himself but his parents are. My parents found out and they have went ape-shit. They found out we have sex and they found out I wanted to smoke marijuana but I haven’t since last year. They took away my phone and told me I can’t take communion in church, can’t see this boy outside of school, they aren’t going to help me open up a bank account nor get my driver’s license nor pay for my college. I got a job to work at a pediatrician’s office after I graduate highschool in june, but the office is about 40 minutes away from where I live, meaning I’ll have to have a license and a bank account so I can deposit my checks and whatnot. I cannot get my license without a bank account statement because I need six points and since I am not a legal citizen of America, I am limited. Now, I’ll have to fend for myself and do it all on my own. I’m getting this job to save money and move out and then go to school to become a doctor. I’ve never gotten into any trouble both with the law nor in school, I get decent grades and I don’t go out to smoke or drink or party like everyone my age does. I just want permission to date this kid and become independent, but I don’t know how to do it. Do I move out now? I’m going to try to find a job around my neighborhood so I can get money to open my bank account and then do everything else but I’m not entirely sure if I’ll be allowed since my father and mother don’t want me working until after graduation. If I do anything out of line, they said they’ll be going to my boyfriend’s house and showing his parents our texts that they took pictures of and apparently in these texts we were talking about pot and sex. I do not know what to do at all. This is all because of religion really. Help.

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142 Answers

SecondHandStoke's avatar

That you’re simply asking this question indicates you’re on the right track.

At 18 you are far ahead of where I was.

I can’t see how anyone here would argue against my advice that you must be true to yourself no matter what the cost.

I can deeply identify with your situation and wish you the best possible outcome.

jca's avatar

Save up and move out, even if with friends as roommates.

I am not sure why you said in the first line that you are legal, and then you say later on that you are not legal.

If you are totally miserable, you can get a job and save up and move out. Education can be in a few years, if need be. Or you can decide that life with the parents is tolerable and just bear it, get the education and then deal with your freedom in the future.

Only you can determine if it’s unbearable or tolerable to you.

emanuelegomes's avatar

I don’t have all documentation yet so I am only allowed a certain amount of rights for now. To clear things up.

jca's avatar

@emanuelegomes: Do you have any friends of your parents or relatives that you can appeal to, and that might talk to them on your behalf? Maybe they can advocate for you and tell them to loosen up.

jca's avatar

The “no shorts during summer” and not being able to attend school events seems excessive.

Maybe your shorts were too short? Maybe with the school events issue, you were using it as an excuse to sneak off and got caught?

emanuelegomes's avatar

The shorts thing, believe me, I’m not like that I don’t dress like that, I wanted shorts that were about two fingers above my knee, and my butt-cheeks were definitely not showing, my dad just doesn’t like me showing my legs.
The school event thing, again he finds it a waste of time to go to.

jca's avatar

Maybe one of your teachers or guidance counselor could call them and say how much they look forward to your being at the event, and how nice it is to see you, and how good it is for all students to participate, etc.

Again, try to get help from outside to assist your cause.

Darth_Algar's avatar

To be honest I wouldn’t count on that whole DREAM Act = legality bit. In nearly 13 years since it was first introduced it’s never passed a vote in both houses of Congress.

GloPro's avatar

You only need $25 to open a bank account at some banks. If it were me I would ask my boyfriend of 7 months if he would give me $25 and open a bank account without your parent’s help. At least that will get some balls rolling.
Unless you ask your extended family for money for graduation and your birthday. That’s pretty common as a graduation gift.

emanuelegomes's avatar

@GloPro but if I don’t have money in my debt card, won’t that cause more problems and get me into the negatives?

@Darth_Algar yeah I’m not counting on it either but for now it’s all I have, I’ll have to find some way to become a legal citizen on my own but I have no idea where to start, who to go to, how much it’ll cost and I don’t want to go through that whole process of marrying an american citizen so I can become a citizen myself.

@jca I have family but they won’t appeal to me and won’t let me move in with them for awhile but I do have a friend that’ll let me move in and I’m really considering it right now.

jca's avatar

@emanuelegomes: Is there anybody you know that your parents respect who might talk to them on your behalf?

GloPro's avatar

That doesn’t even make any sense. Open the bank savings account and leave it alone. Savings accounts don’t have debit cards and most don’t have service fees.

Tell your parents two can play the blackmail game. If they approach your boyfriend’s parents then you will approach INS. You’re 18 and can choose your own adult relationship which is none of their business. The other rules will exist as long as they provide for you and you live with them. Find a job. If they threaten to throw you out because of that then they’re assholes and I would move in with my boyfriend. That option sucks but I wouldn’t continue to roll over. You are 18, and to me it appears you are quite immature due to how strictly they have controlled you. If you want it bad enough go out and get it. You are being controlled because you allow yourself to be.

jca's avatar

@GloPro: Many have fees for having a low balance.

emanuelegomes's avatar

@jca if they find out I’m telling people my problems, they’ll probably send me back to my country. They are stubborn christians who believe they are the only people who know what’s right for me besides God himself. I’ve tried, my mom’s sister tried and it ended up causing a problem in their relationship.

@GloPro Sorry I don’t know much about this. I’ll need a debit card though that’s what I meant, so isn’t a checking account better? Especially since I’ll be paying most of my stuff anyways

Darth_Algar's avatar

@emanuelegomes

How exactly would they send you back to your country?

GloPro's avatar

Ally Online Savings Account

No minimum to open, no fees.

Do I have to do everything? Excuses are what hold us back in life.

Ally also has a checking account. Why do you need a debit card? Employers can deposit into savings and checking accounts.

A quick search showed me that a minimum balance of $300 will circumvent any service fees in almost all brick and mortar bank locations.

jca's avatar

There’s someone on here named @Seek who has been through something similar to what you are going through now. Maybe she’ll respond and give advice.

@GloPro: Ok got it. I was thinking traditional banks, I was wrong to forget online.

dxs's avatar

Get the bank account, then talk to them about how you really need money for your future plans of studying. Then talk to them about getting a job at your parish. I’m sure they’d like hearing that. Use the money to help liberate yourself.
@jca I’ll message Seek.

dappled_leaves's avatar

Is citizenship required for a bank account? I’m guessing not, but the OP will want to be certain of this before applying.

GloPro's avatar

To make sure I understand your chain of needs: a bank account gets you a license. A license gets you a job in which they make deposits to your bank account.

Get the bank account and then pay cash for your needs until the money flows from a job. It might not happen quickly, but it seems the account is the first step.

jca's avatar

@emanuelegomes: Your parents couldn’t legally send you back to your country if you have attained the age of majority in your state (in other words if you are legally an adult).

emanuelegomes's avatar

@Darth_Algar simply by putting me on a plane and shipping me back, we came to america through visa just never left.

@jca and they said if I refuse to go back they’d call immigration services on me or something like that but I’m pretty sure they won’t just deport if I don’t do any harm to this country and with me having my employment authorization card it’d be even harder.

@GloPro Before working at the doctor’s, I’ll need another job to do so because I’ll be taking the bus every morning to work and back. My parents aren’t giving me any money whatsoever. And they aren’t giving me much freedom to go out and open this bank account either.
I can move out within this hour if I wanted to but like you said they have controlled me so much, I have no voice in this house because I fear of what they’ll say or do, and they constantly hit me with the same thing “took care of you when you were a baby did everything for you and this is how you repay us” and then they go on about how ungrateful I am because I don’t follow what the bible tells us to follow.

jca's avatar

@emanuelegomes: Cop friends have told me that Immigration won’t usually bother with just one person. They’re short staffed thanks to budget cuts. Unless you commit a crime, I wouldn’t worry about it. It’s not like someone calls them and they show up at your door with a butterfly net. If they wanted to round up immigrants, they could go to any street in any large city and get truck loads of them.

emanuelegomes's avatar

@jca hahahah exactly, I knew it was just nonsense.

GloPro's avatar

I know it seems impossible, but there are ways to make your own money. Babysit for someone at church. Donate blood plasma. Have a yard sale at your boyfriend’s house. You can figure it out if you really put your mind to it. Your parents are going to be mad at you. Stay strong and try not to buckle under guilt trips and threats. You are legally an adult. They cannot forbid you from babysitting. Really pound the pavement in your neighborhood. Go door to door and introduce yourself. Explain that you live a short walk away and are trying hard to earn money for school and you would love to babysit, or mow grass, or any service they may need help with. Look your best and smile. You can do it. Just stop letting your parents control your free time (outside of an understandable curfew). Don’t let your schoolwork suffer and they have no reason to bitch. Make sure they understand that extra-curricular activities are just as important as education when applying for higher learning. They are making it harder for you, not easier, by keeping you from becoming more well-rounded. Even the job in the parish was a great idea. Honestly, go to church on the weekends. Do some things that make them happy. It’s a balance.

They cannot force you on a plane. They just can’t. And if they are also illegal they would be stupid to call INS, and they know that.

kritiper's avatar

Stick to your guns! I fought a long hard battle with my very religious, very Irish, very Catholic mother when I became an Atheist and didn’t want , nor felt the need, to go to church anymore. And I was 15! Hang in there!
Or move out…

emanuelegomes's avatar

@GloPro you’re right, I’ve tried the whole babysitting thing, put up flyers, spoke to people I know and no one has a kid they can’t take care of themselves or they have their own babysitter. Plus I have my own brother I babysit regularly but I don’t get paid for it, I have experience but no one wants it and I live in an urban district where I am the one of the very few who doesn’t speak spanish fluently so it’s difficult but I need to get around these problems and find a way to just make up this money. I was selling home-made cookies for awhile and it was bringing in alot of money actually but right now I’m broke and I can’t even afford the cookie dough that is pre-made. Being a senior doesn’t help either because I have to pay for cap and gown, I have to pay some fees from school and we are having this senior trip out to boston and I’ll need money for that. Everything is happening all at once.

BeenThereSaidThat's avatar

It sounds to me like your parents have done everything to give you a better life than if you would have stayed in “your country”. As usual eighteen year olds don’t get the big picture until it is either too late or they have children of their own. sad.
Rebelling against your family religion is I guess your way of getting back at them.

My advice? have some gratitude.

emanuelegomes's avatar

@BeenThereSaidThat I agree, my life would be different if I was in Brasil, maybe better maybe worse since my father is of higher class in Brasil, he only came to America because he became a teenage father and his uncle had said america was good for making money. I’m not saying my parents are awful people, I’m saying that their religious views make things difficult in my house. The fact that I can’t date someone because he doesn’t have the same beliefs as my parents is absurd and the fact that he isn’t brasilian like us. I’m not saying I’m an atheist, I believe in a higher power. This is about my future, my education and my independence.

jca's avatar

@BeenThereSaidThat: There has to be a mix between having gratitude and loving one’s parents vs. an 18 year old wanting to enjoy her life. She wants to do things that she sees other people do. She does not want to fee like a prisoner. These years are supposed to be years she enjoys.

GloPro's avatar

You don’t have to have a cap and gown. I skipped my graduation and couldn’t care less about that ceremony. Wants and needs are different things. Senior trip is also a want. If you are able to save money for those things then you are choosing those moments of gratification over moving forward with your goals.

I’m sure there are a lot of kids in your graduating class with jobs. And no car. You have to start somewhere. If McDonalds is within walking distance then apply there. Your work visa is valid, right?

emanuelegomes's avatar

@GloPro The senior trip I already paid so that’s out of the way. You’re right though. And yes it is. This woman that owns a bakery a few blocks down my house asked me if I needed a job in the summer and took my cellphone number down but since my dad took my phone away I’m not sure if she’s contacted me or not but I plan on going there on tuesday to see if I can get a head start on the job. Plus I have a friend who works there she can put in a good word and to add up the owner loved the fact that I was from the same country as her so who knows. Downside, this will probably make my parents extremely angry since I’m going against what they said about working whilst being in school, I don’t know what’s going to happen when that comes around. If I get the job that is.

jca's avatar

@emanuelegomes: But you won’t be in school over the summer, so for now it shouldn’t be an issue.

Maybe your parents will like the fact that the owner is from your country.

emanuelegomes's avatar

@jca That’ll mean I’ll have two jobs, the doctor’s office and the bakery. The doctor’s office I’m extremely interested in because that’s where I want my profession to be, medicine, so being around that kind of environment will help me. Plus the starting salary is $10 an hour, 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. Bakery is probably like $7.50 or something. Oh and the doctor only needs me in at the end of june, the bakery I’d want to start that this month or beginning of june.

Darth_Algar's avatar

@emanuelegomes

How are they simply going to put you on a plane and ship you back? You’re 18. You’re an adult now. They no longer have any legal agency over you. They cannot force you to do that which you do not want to do. And if they are illegal, as you said if your first post, then they cannot turn you in to immigration services without revealing themselves and risking deportation of their own.

GloPro's avatar

See? That’s great news! Why wait til Tuesday? To improve your chances write a letter to drop off with the owner detailing your long term goals and how being employed by her bakery will help you. Don’t mention struggles, only goals
– work experience
– work ethic
– money towards education
– learning to manage money
– project and goal completion
– customer service and people skills

What else can you think of? Go hard for that job. Don’t piss away a great opportunity. You can do it, and it sounds like a great option!

Be realistic about the doctor’s office. If you can’t get there because it’s too far away and all other issues then you’d be a fool not to pick the bakery. An hour and 20 minute drive costs gas and car maintenance, so the pay for both evens out to the same thing. Bakery has more free time because it’s closer, no car needs, no bank account needs… On and on. Think clearly.

emanuelegomes's avatar

@GloPro I’d do that but my parents won’t let me out of the house this weekend and monday is memorial day so no school. They used to track me through this “find my iphone” when I had my phone but now since they took that away they won’t know I’m trying to find a job afterschool until after I tell them.

Coloma's avatar

Yes, as hard and as painful as it might be, you must be true to yourself and not allow your parents to dictate what you believe, who you date, what you are doing, short of following their basic house rules if you are still living at home.
Your parents are adhering to very traditional programming and not able, capable, or most importantly, WILLING to even remotely question their belief systems, which, sadly, makes them of low intelligence, overall.
Truly intelligent people are always willing to entertain the thought that they might be incorrect in their beliefs and to acknowledge the FACT that they are merely victims of their programming and had their backgrounds been different they would believe very differently.
If they choose to disown you over your right and freedom to make your own choices in matters of spirituality, relationship, lifestyle choices, well…their loss.

People will stubbornly cling to their belief systems even if it means ruining relationships or severing ties with family and there is not a damn thing you can do about that.
Hopefully as time passes they will come around but you cannot allow yourself to be enslaved by their mandates.

GloPro's avatar

I meant go Monday. Don’t apply for jobs on Sunday for several reasons.

I edited my above post as to the doctor’s office job… Thoughts to consider.

You need to learn to say “I am 18, I am an adult, and I am going out for a bit. I’ll be back by dinner. Have a great day.” Then go apply for a job Monday.

emanuelegomes's avatar

@GloPro Yes, I agree, if I really can’t get to the job then I’ll unfortunately have to let it go.

@Coloma So I should stick to what I believe and stand for, regardless of what they say? I feel this will only die down after I’m older but they told me yesterday, if I don’t regret what I say and do I’ll become a nobody and that if I don’t leave my boyfriend, they’re going to make my life harder than it already is and my dad says he is praying to the Lord to break up my relationship and praying for us to grow in disgust with each other. I don’t know how to feel about all that. He said alot yesterday, it’s so much to take in.

Judi's avatar

Did the Dream Act pass? I thought they were still fighting over it?

jca's avatar

@emanuelegomes: They are not letting you out of the house? Like a prisoner? That’s bullshit. I would go stay somewhere for a few days and let them get upset and force this issue as a discussion.

emanuelegomes's avatar

@Judi It passed, it grants me rights to have a job, get my license and go to college but the whole college thing is a bit difficult since my parents are illegal and when it comes to financial aid I need my parents taxes and if you or your parents an illegal immigrant who doesn’t pay taxes you’re screwed with that. If I plead that I’m independent and living on my own then I’d have to actually take action, pay taxes and live on my own and basically support myself to prove it.

jca's avatar

I could see having a curfew, but to say you can’t leave the house at all and you’re 18 years old, totally unreasonable.

emanuelegomes's avatar

@jca they said if I did that, they’d go to my boyfriend’s parents and expose the texts between him and I. They know I care about him so they said my actions not only affect me but the one I love too.

but then again his parents are so loving and understanding and complete opposites of my parents so I don’t know. I’d have to see if my boyfriend would be alright with my dad just going there. I don’t even know if my dad knows where he lives, my parents snoop through EVERYTHING so I wouldn’t be surprised.

jca's avatar

I would be out of there so fast, even if I had to sleep on a friend’s couch for a few weeks with my stuff in bags. If they want to go to your boyfriend’s parents and look like obsessive weirdos, let them. I would be done with them. Forget it. It seems like you really have to force their hand. You’re 18 years old. Like I said, curfew, not unreasonable. Can’t leave the house like a prisoner, bullshit.

GloPro's avatar

Go to your boyfriend’s parents first and ask that they voice their opinions to be left out of their adult son’s relationship. That should embarrass your parents should they ever approach his parents. Then forget about that.
I don’t know many parents that are immature enough to look through their adult children’s text messages. You haven’t said much about your BF’s parents, but maybe they are reasonable adults?

jca's avatar

And they threaten you, if you leave the house we’re going to your boyfriend’s parents with your texts? That’s just wrong. You should ask them if threats are the Christian way.

Coloma's avatar

@emanuelegomes
Bottom line, your parents/father are being abusive, emotionally and bullying you to follow THEIR protocol. You are smart enough I am sure to ascertain whether or not your behavior/boyfriend are good for you, and even if you make mistakes, so what?
Everyone makes mistakes as they grow into adulthood. There is no law that says you are not allowed to make mistakes.

We have to free our children to find their own way, whether or not we agree.
My daughter is 26 and I have never foisted my opinions on her when it comes to making her own choices. Our kids are not clones of us, they are their own person and have a right to make their own choices. I also see a lot of hypocrisy going on as well.
IF, your parents believe what they claim, well…who was the most forgiving of all?
Jesus!

I am not religious but, if Jesus forgave murderers and rapists and prostitutes and thieves, well…he would certainly “forgive” a young person making a few mistakes on the road to maturity.

jca's avatar

The “not leaving the house” thing really gets me. It’s just totally unreasonable.

emanuelegomes's avatar

@jca yeah it’s been like that since I could remember. To school and back is the rules, actually I’m not even allowed to walk home (before) but yesterday my father kept throwing in my face that my mom takes me to school and picks me up and since I was a freshman in high school I wanted to walk home and walk to school because running and walking helps me release stress I love walking, so I told him she does that because SHE wants not, I don’t ask for the ride and also because they think I’m going to drop out of school or skip school which clearly I wouldn’t since I want to become a doctor and they know that.

@GloPro his parents know what’s going on and his father actually told him to focus on me because he knows his son cares about me. His parents are the best at understanding and they actually feel bad that I have to deal with what I deal with.

Judi's avatar

I don’t want to derail the discussion but I need to understand the whole picture. Do your parents work under the table? Are taxes not taken out of their pay checks? It was my understanding that most undocumented workers had some sort of fake papers and taxes were still taken out if their checks they just never filed a return so they never got a refund. Do they own their home? How did they qualify for a loan if they don’t pay taxes?
Regardless, as I see it you have three choices.
1.Comply with their demands. Their house, their rules.
2. Leave. Stay with friends or go to some shelter that has get on your feet assistance but get out and do the hard work to build a life for yourself
3. The nuclear option. Threaten to turn them into INS or the IRS if they don’t get reasonable.
None of the options sound real good but you need to make some hard choices. Everything has a cost. Life isn’t fair and it’s rarely easy. You’ve got some hard thinking to do.

emanuelegomes's avatar

@Judi My father works in construction and gets paid under the table, no taxes are really taken out of his pay check. We rent, we don’t own a home and I am not entirely sure if they took loans out. My mother works in housecleaning and that;s also paid in cash so that explains that.

GloPro's avatar

If his parents know then why concern yourself with the threat of having your texts exposed? Just tell them that your parents may approach them at some point and that as an adult you prefer that they voice their wish to stay out of it. Then forget about that. That seems straightforward.

As for the rides to school… They can’t force you into a car. Just walk or run if you want to. Let them crawl behind you in the car screaming if they want.

You let them control you. What happens if you don’t? They have already taken everything away and the threats are empty ones. What is keeping you from taking action?

jca's avatar

@Judi: #4 Get an advocate to help on your behalf, as per my earlier suggestion. It’s a thought.

jca's avatar

Get your own cell phone, too. That way they can’t control it.

Judi's avatar

@jca , you are right, but I’m not real sure what an advocate could do.

emanuelegomes's avatar

@GloPro the only thing that is holding me back is how they said I hurt them doing this and fear of having to come back and ask to move back in especially since I’m prideful when it comes to saying sorry for things that concern this.
Do I sit them down and tell them I’m moving out or what?

@jca that is what I hope on doing.

emanuelegomes's avatar

@jca a real close friend and her mother said that they would be my advocate.

jca's avatar

@Judi: As I described previously, an advocate might talk to the parents and say hey, emanuela is not a bad girl, she is going to school, has her focus in the right direction, but she is also growing up and needs some freedoms. If you keep holding her down, she is going to rebel. Reward her by giving her a little freedom and watch her blossom into the fine young lady she is becoming!

@emanuelegomes: If you did leave the home, don’t tell them. That’s part of the shock for them, then they can see how they pushed you to the breaking point.

GloPro's avatar

Not hurting them is hurting you. They live their lives and you live yours. They don’t get to live yours, too. Don’t move out and fuck yourself. Do start asserting your independence and making your own choices. Start with walking to school. Monday/Tuesday just tell them you will be back soon. Leave with no other explanation and go apply at the bakery. When you get the job tell them.
Don’t change everything all at once. Start there. Your BF’s parents and text exposure is a non-issue. Your parents will yell, threaten, and cry. Let them. Stay calm and repeat your message: “I am an adult and need to gain some independence. I love you, I am sorry you hurt, and I am walking to school/going to work. I will be home soon and look forward to dinner/church.”

If they kick you out then they kick you out. I doubt they would, personally, but you never know. One thing is certain… They will panic and display emotion at losing control of you. DO NOT tolerate physical abuse. It is going to be the hardest thing you have done in your young life, but stick to it, keep a level head, refuse to fight and scream back, and keep your eye on the prize. Start small and have little milestones. You can do it!

emanuelegomes's avatar

@GloPro See now that’s what I was planning on doing, just doing it one step at a time. About my boyfriend, I only see him in school, what do I do? And when summer comes around and there’s no school anymore for me, then what? & I doubt they’ll kick me out too. They want control like you said.

GloPro's avatar

Same tactic. “I’m going out for a few hours. I would call, but you have my phone. I love you, I’m sorry you hurt. I’ll be back soon and look forward to dinner/church/spending time with you.”
Don’t break curfew. Go to church. Invite your boyfriend to church with you occasionally. Help around the house without being told. Respect them even if you don’t obey them. Choose your battles. Rock the boat but don’t flip it. You’ll get there.

filmfann's avatar

I currently am legal because of the dream act.

I am a bit confused here. When was the dream act enacted? I am unaware it ever was.

jca's avatar

@emanuelegomes: Do they hit you? What do they do when you upset them (for example, if you were to leave the house for a few hours or say you’re going to a school event)? I hope they don’t hit you. Do they act very angry? Do they yell and does your mom cry? Does your mom ever take your side or are they united? Does your dad hit your mom?

emanuelegomes's avatar

@filmfann I mean not fully legal, like legal as in I can have a job and drive and they gave me a social security number so yeah.. I’ve been getting that alot that people aren’t aware it was enacted.

@jca I mean up until I was thirteen my dad hit me but it wasn’t like throwing punches, it was with a belt, I’d get bruised up alittle but he saw it as an okay way to teach your kid a lesson. He doesn’t hit my mom, my mom used to take my side but now she doesn’t and she actually is the one to start the arguments. There is alot of yelling from my mother’s side, my dad yells sometimes, he’s more verbally abusive. My mom cries but she’s extremely emotional.

jca's avatar

@emanuelegomes: Yikes. It sounds like your mom likes drama because she’s starting it. Maybe she has anxiety or some other mental illness, if she is extremely emotional. In this country, getting hit with a belt is physical abuse. I understand that in your country, it may not be.

I don’t know how you can stand all that crap.

emanuelegomes's avatar

@jca I took pictures once of the bruises my father left me, it was one of the worst beatings I got because I couldn’t sleep on the side he hit me on, and I saved it and thought of showing the police but never did.
I thought dealing with this made me strong but yesterday my father let me know that all the thoughts I have that make me believe I’m strong, are wrong.
And oh yes she loves it. Before my father and I were very close and she hated it, she’s a very jealous woman, to give you an idea she was jealous of my father’s sister at one point because my dad would spend alot of time with his sister so yeah, I’m dealing with some strange family.

jca's avatar

@emanuelegomes: What do you mean when you say he “let you know that all the thoughts you had that made you believe you were strong were wrong?”

jca's avatar

Your mom sounds kind of psycho-ish. Do you feel betrayed by her, because she starts the shit?

dappled_leaves's avatar

I’m curious about this reference to the Dream Act also. Everything I read about it says that it has not been enacted. There is Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals, which allows people to get a social security number, and other limited benefits, but it sounds like a temporary arrangement (apply for 2 years, then renew for another 2 years, etc.). I also wonder if a right-leaning government could easily overturn it.

Here’s an Atlantic article from early last year talking about the trade-offs involved with DACA.

emanuelegomes's avatar

@jca he was calling me weak and saying I’m immature and that I’m not as intelligent as people say I am and all this other stuff because I was trying to explain to him that my boyfriend makes me happy and that getting my license will make me happy and that I want to focus on the important parts of my life but I can’t because he keeps going back to one problem.
Extremely betrayed. She starts all the bullshit and then an hour laters she tries to act innocent and puts on this face of sorrow and talks to me in this calm tone.. she’s so fake, she puts on such a facade in front of everyone, both in church and with family. My aunt who’s her sister tries her best to open my mother’s mind but my aunt says she’s very ignorant. My aunt can’t speak to my father because they both secretly hate each other and my dad thinks she’s a bad influence on me which is why my aunt said she will no longer take me in if I move out.. because it’ll stir up more unnecessary conflict.

@dappled_leaves yes, that’s exactly it! I get a social with limited benefits and yes I’ll have to keep renewing up. There are rumors going around that if I have this for about 6–8 years I can then apply for my green card but I’m not sure. Thank you for the article

jca's avatar

@emanuelegomes: It’s not very nice to have a family that insults their child and knocks them down instead of trying to build them up.

I would be so done and planning my escape, if I were you.

jca's avatar

Your parents are going to pay for college?

I would find an immigration advocacy group and talk to them about your options to stay in this country legally.

emanuelegomes's avatar

@jca about the same time last year, I fought for the same things I’m fighting for now. I left the house and I called them to let them know I’m fine and that I’d be back. I left for one day, they took it up with the police and reported me as missing. This action made me afraid and when I came back they asked me what I wanted so that it wouldn’t happen again. They gave me my freedom for alittle bit but then shortly after they went back to their old ways, worse even. The police asked me what was going on and I told them and all they said was to just wait until I turn 18 and then just move out.
I love my parents so much but we just can’t see eye-to-eye and I do fear hell but if they weren’t so demanding believe me, I’d be having my OWN spiritual relationship with the God I believe in. They just don’t understand. I told my dad that I’d be the religious person they want me to be if only they’d let me go to this church I love and my dad said no, absolutely not because I won’t be around them and apparently I’m crazy and will be rolling up a blunt during the church service and asking if anyone wants a puff.

As of right now, my father said he will not be paying for my college and that he will not give me my car. I have a car that his boss gave to ME as a gift.

emanuelegomes's avatar

made them afraid* not me

jca's avatar

The car is registered in your name? If not, I would threaten to tell his boss if I were you. Threaten to tell his boss that although the boss gave YOU the car, your dad won’t let you have it.

If they’re not being nice to you and they’re not paying for college, then I would go if I were you.

You’re 18 now so you can go.

jca's avatar

I would find a place to stay, and take my stuff a little at a time. A bag a day.

emanuelegomes's avatar

@jca they were supposed to register it under my name but they didn’t. I was thinking that but my dad said he wouldn’t let me come back and take my stuff because HE paid for it.

jca's avatar

Take your stuff a little at a time. A few items of clothing per day. Listen, if he and they are going to be such assholes about it, then forget the majority of it. I guarantee they’ll be crying at your feet in a few weeks and will respect you more and let you have it, once you show them you mean business. They can’t keep you locked up forever.

GloPro's avatar

@jca Are you suggesting that she go to a shelter? She has no money. No job. No transportation or means for paying for public transportation. No roof welcoming her. No means for paying for food. It doesn’t sound like her BF’s parents are willingly opening their home at this time.
If you are suggesting she leave what is a very hard but stable position where she is fed, not currently physically abused, and cared for (like a pet, but still), then you need to offer her advice more specific than “Just leave” in my opinion.
If you have a good solution, I’d love to hear it, as I’m sure the OP would as well. Her parents have inhibited her freedom extensively.

emanuelegomes's avatar

@GloPro I haven’t asked his parents and frankly I wouldn’t want to, they’ve done alot for me already, more than I’ve asked for. I have a place to stay but I want to be sure I won’t be back, proving them they were right. I don’t want to go empty-handed either. If I’m staying at a friend’s I want to be able to be a help not a burden.

GloPro's avatar

Why wouldn’t you consider going back to Brasil when you graduate?

And please make sure you know the absolute difference between having a place to stay and having a place to live.

GloPro's avatar

I stand by my belief that getting that bakery job should be your top priority at the moment.

emanuelegomes's avatar

@GloPro I have considered it, but I’m practically American, not brasilian. I came to america when i was only a year old. It’s different there, I have trouble speaking portuguese sometimes, and starting my life all over again isn’t something i want right now. I want to be an american, brasil is corrupt, I defend my country when I have to but it’s government is so corrupt and the violence there is different. It’s not that bad cus if it was no one would be living there but it’s just aloooot to get used to. It wouldn’t be easy for me to get a job and everything is alot more expensive. One thing that’s a benefit for me there is the fact that I have an american high school diploma and people would worship me because of it. But also I’d be in more danger because the gangs in brasil would all know I’m the “gringa” and so i’d be easy for them to steal from and my family would also be difficult to deal with because they’d use me because again, i lived my entire life in america.

Darth_Algar's avatar

@dappled_leaves “I’m curious about this reference to the Dream Act also. Everything I read about it says that it has not been enacted. There is Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals, which allows people to get a social security number, and other limited benefits, but it sounds like a temporary arrangement (apply for 2 years, then renew for another 2 years, etc.). I also wonder if a right-leaning government could easily overturn it.

I doubt it. For all the talk about illegal immigration I really don’t see the GOP doing much. Especially if they want states like Texas to stay red.

antimatter's avatar

Go with the flow,

Seek's avatar

I cannot give any valuable advice on the trials and tribulations of non-citizenship, however I can empathise with the trials of growing up in a strict religious household.

The best thing you can do is make plans to get away. Simply decide you are going to do it, and then do it. Get a job, first thing. After you get your job, open your bank account with your first paycheck, then set up direct deposit. If you’re 18, you can get your drivers’ license without a parent’s signature – again, depending on the citizenship thing which I know nothing about. If you need rides in the interim, ask friends, get help from neighbors and people from church. Anyone who will help. Don’t be afraid to ask – the worst they can say is “no”. Offer to do chores in return or babysit their kids or mow their lawn. Barter is a beautiful thing.

When you start bringing in steady money, you can put out feelers for places to live. I would recommend renting a room on your own first. If you live in a college or university area, there are often very affordable shared apartments where you’ll have a private bedroom and bathroom with a shared living room and kitchen. My first living space was a room rented from a coworker who had a big house with a pool, and she lived alone. It was a great experience, having the freedom to lay around and simply read a book without having someone question my motives or shouting at someone else in the background.

Once you are living on your own, you can be free to make your own decisions as to your personal religious and social beliefs and preferences, taking the time you need to come to those decisions in comfort.

I wish you the best of luck in everything.

JLeslie's avatar

I only skimmed the above answers so sorry if I repeat anything.

You are legal and you are 18. That means you can open a bank account. Do you have any money? You can sit down one day and call the 800 number for the three banks that are closest to where you live, ask them what type of account you can get that has a low minimum balance so you don’t incur any fees. Or, you can just walk into them and ask the questions. Do not put your money in a bank that makes you pay a fee. Banks will be very helpful. Once you have the first conversation it will get easier and easier to make the next call, because you will learn all the lingo.

I don’t understand why you need a bank account for a driver’s license? I never heard of such a thing. But, it’s good to get a banks account anyway. Driver’s license usually requires birth certificate (I have no idea where my birth certificate is) or passport, or your permanent resident card, social security card, and probably some piece of mail addressed to you at your address. Call the motor vehicle and ask them what will suffice for ID. Do not feel shy about calling and asking questions. Usually you will get good solid help. If you have one bad phone call don’t let it ruffle you. I had to call motor vehicle for my husband because he did not have the ID necessary from what was listed on the website when we first moved back to FL. They were very helpful and he was able to use something in lieu of a lease or utility bill, he did not have either.

Do you have some friend’s you can stay with for a couple of months once high school finishes? Go live there, save money, offer to help with buying groceries and a little extra for utilities, and then eventually move into your own place with a roommate.

I would think after a year of living on your own your parents won’t matter regarding college scholarships, but I really have no idea how that works. I can’t see any problem with going to college and paying. I don’t understand why your parents have anything to do with that? Again, I am not very familiar with it though. I went to college when I was 17 and I don’t remember my parents being part of the equation. All that mattered was I met their requirements and paid the tuition. It was a community college. When I tranferred to a university I still don’t think my parents were part of the process. Not that I remember. I know now it is different. From what I nderstand some states, maybe all, require everyone fill a form for financial help, which I find ridiculous, but that is a different Q.

ninjacolin's avatar

@emanuelegomes, have you tried telling your parents that they are wrong and abusive?
Have you tried making them watch Finding Nemo?

JLeslie's avatar

By the way, if your parents keep your ID’s under lock and key, you can get another copy yourself. You are 18, you are an adult. You no longer need your parent’s signature on documents.

Having said all that, I recommend you be as obedient as possible until you are out of their home. I say that to not make waves since you still live there, and also out of respect for your parents.

Seek's avatar

The parents have proven themselves disrespectful, so fuck them.

However, I do recommend doing what you can to not be kicked out before your ducks are in a row. You want them to know that you are leaving because you have chosen to, and not because they have given up on you.

emanuelegomes's avatar

@Seek thank you for all the advice and I believe I’m going to start off like you said.

@ninjacolin hahah love that.. yes I have and they find nothing wrong with the way they are acting.

@JLeslie They do require my parents to fill out forms regardless as to whether I’m living with them or not. I need a bank statement because I’m limited with documentation because I’m not a full American citizen, the bank account is one of the easiest things to bring and I’ve moved twice in the past four months so I have nothing on my name to the new address, the bank account would have covered that for me. But I have no money right now for that so I’ll need a job.

JLeslie's avatar

@emanuelegomes Just three weeks ago I helped my green card carrying MIL open a bank account. We had no problem. What document or ID do you have that says you are legal here? Do you have a passport from Brasil?

You don’t need to be a citizen to get a driver’s license, you just need to be legal. My MIL has a driver’s license also. My husband had both a bank account and license when he was here just on a students visa, he was not even allowed to work. See what the driver’s license agency will accept as ok mail in your name as proof. Or, maybe you did that already.

emanuelegomes's avatar

@GloPro
@dxs
@jca

update: my dad took my cell and he reads my texts and read a group chat about my plan to spend memorial day with a group of friends and my boyfriend. Today before he left to celebrate his memorial day with my mother and brother he told me that if I didn’t go to the church BBQ he would take my tv and laptop away.. obviously I didn’t listen so I am updating you guys and letting you know I’ll be moving out friday to my friend’s home and so yeah thank you all

dxs's avatar

Woo hoo! I wish you luck.
Try and get your laptop before you leave. I’m not sure how much the cell phone will be useful.

Seek's avatar

Frak their cell phone. Get a prepaid one. Search Craigslist for someone getting rid of their T-mobile compatible phone on the cheap, and go to Walmart or the T-Mobile website to get on their $35 a month, 100 minute/month, unlimited web and text with 5 gigs of 4gLTE prepaid plan. It’s enough minutes to facilitate your job search, and your friends probably already are more comfortable with texting than anything.

LostInParadise's avatar

You did the right thing by moving out. You should explain yourself to your parents. Write them a letter if it is too hard to do it in person. Tell them basically what you have said here. Tell them how much you love them and how grateful for what they have done, but that you have a right to live your own life, even if it is not exactly the type of life that they would have chosen for you. Say that you know they will be proud of you for how you chose to live your life.

Seek's avatar

Here’s how it went with my parents and me:

We got into a fight, my mom started demanding more money from me than I was already contributing to the household (like, feeding them all because my mom’s a crap cook, and acting personal chaffeur to my siblings and all their friends against my will on my dime). I refused to do so, stating that if they wanted me to pay rent, I would begin making demands of personal freedom that I currently did not enjoy. They said they would make me move out, and stormed away.

The next day I finalized my plans to room with my coworker and signed the lease. That Friday afternoon I began packing my car. They realised on my second trip that something weird was happening. (Idiots, really).

“What are you doing?”

“Uhm, moving out. We talked about this. You want me to pay rent, I want freedom. So I’ll be paying rent to someone allowing me freedom. I’m leaving all the furniture, only taking things I’ve purchased myself.”

“WAHT? You’re ABANDONING your FAMILY?!?”

“I’m not abandoning anyone. I’m 20 years old and I’m moving out. Make peace with it.”

“You’ll never make it on your own.”

“We’ll see. Excuse me, now, this box is heavy.”

A week later my stepfather called me asking to borrow $100, which he took an unreasonable amount of time to pay back in $5 and $10 increments. So, I think I really had the last word there.

My first day in my new house, I had an ice cream sundae for breakfast. It tasted like sweet, sweet victory.

I’m looking forward to your victory story.

Judi's avatar

I hope you got the laptop out if the house before they got home!

GloPro's avatar

Sounds like you are on your way. Stay strong, and good luck getting that bakery job tomorrow (if it’s just as close to your friend’s house…)
We’re always here to provide support.

JLeslie's avatar

Sorry, but there is a huge flaw in your story. You aged two years in one day on fluther.

Seek's avatar

Where?

The question says 18. It’s always said 18.

My story said 20, because that’s how old I was when I moved out of my mother’s house.

JLeslie's avatar

Oh, I misread at 2:50 am. I thought that was the OP. I’m glad you were up also so I was corrected quickly. I often don’t notice the avatar or who is writing.

I saw @glopro write that it sounds like you are on your way and I took it as a response to your post @seek.

Seek's avatar

No prob. We all make mistakes in the wee hours. ^_^

I’m just kind of trying to be supportive. Don’t know if it will help our new friend, but maybe it will encourage her a little.

JLeslie's avatar

@Seek Your story is good, we just don’t know how extreme her situation really is. Teens hate their parents sometimes more than is warranted, and since she is still in high school I think right now she needs to get her ducks in a row and wait for the right time. I don’t know of she is a Junior or Senior. If she came over not speaking English, sometimes they hold those kids back a year, maybe they don’t do that any more. Also, she might have just turned 18 and depending on the schools district she might have another year of high school to go.

Your story provides good information for more than one reason. Let me point out that the OP should not text she should make phone calls or in person for her planning. When I wanted to buy a diary in 6th grade my mom said, “don’t write anything down you don’t want people to know.” I guess maybe since it was the catalyst to you finally gettng out of the house you might see it as a silver lining that they freaked out about what you texted.

I had not known your parents wanted you to contribute to the household fnancially, I think of that as associated with different cultures, like Indian families, is that common in the religion your were raised in? Or, was it just some sort of cultural family thing? Or, just now they felt ok charging some sort of rent since you were an adult? Did they expect you contribute before the age of 18?

I wonder if all of Tampa Bay is up?

Seek's avatar

Actually, in the church I grew up in, girls were expected to live at home until they were married. It wasn’t a matter of choice, and they generally weren’t expected to have a job either, unless they wanted pocket money for pretty dresses to attract a visiting evangelist’s son.

My mother, however, wasn’t raised in the church, and she’s a greedy bitch. So it wasn’t enough that she was taking my father’s entire NYPD pension in child support, and my stepfather’s entire disability check, and her own part-time income – I had money from my full-time job and she wanted it. But she didn’t want to allow me the freedom to lock my bedroom door, or buy the books I wanted to read, or go out with friends, or talk on the phone, or visit my boyfriend (that was a fuuuun part of my life – I was just starting to date my husband at the time)... and there was no way I was going to pay rent to share a bedroom with a 14 year old spy and not be allowed to lock my own bedroom door, or come and go as I pleased.

It wasn’t an issue of “contributing to the household” – I’d been in charge of all domestic care of the house hold since the age of eight, and had been purchasing every dinner’s ingredients since I began working at 18, because I got sick of eating swill and fast food every night. Hell, I had to nursemaid my stepfather through morphine withdrawal and migraines and herniated disc in his back from about ten years old and I wasn’t even allowed to talk to my own father on the telephone.

Contributing to the household. Ha. Ha. Ha.

jca's avatar

@emanuelegomes: Good luck and please keep us updated on your progress. I’m sure I speak for the entire collective when I say we wish you all the best with whatever you choose to do.

emanuelegomes's avatar

@Seek what you said about girls not moving out or working is sooo true in my household. Thank you for the info on the cellphone, I really needed that actually hah

@LostInParadise I will actually be writing them a letter because I know if I told them out loud they would not take it at all and make things more difficult than it already is

@GloPro unfortunately three bakeries I went into require me to speak fluent spanish and I only speak fluent portuguese, english and I only understand spanish with some difficulty, BUT I got another job at the mall working in retail that I’ll be applying to today and I might apply to restaurants to be a waitress because I was thinking I can get some good tips every now and then. I wanted to be a waitress before so. You never know but many doors have opened already for me.

@JLeslie I said before in the comments that I am a senior graduating in june :)

Thank you all again. 
P.s 
Another update: so my parents haven’t spoken to me since the warning they gave me of not going anywhere but the church bbq and my mother is trying to be sweet to me.. i don’t understand at all. First you want to strip me of everything I have and love and then after you want to kiss up, make my bed and buy me strawberries? I don’t know if they aren’t screaming and yelling because they’re trying to do some reverse physicology or I don’t know. Anywho, I’m excited :-)

GloPro's avatar

Geeze. I have a college degree and couldn’t get a job in a bakery? Crazy. Good luck with the mall job!

JLeslie's avatar

June is in a week. You are almost free. Be nice to your parents until you are ready to leave.

jca's avatar

@GloPro: It reminds me of American Beauty with Kevin Spacey. He had a Master’s Degree (I forgot why he left his job) and he was interviewing for a job at a fast food place. The kid who was interviewing him said he was overqualified for the job. Kevin Spacey says something like “You must have a training program.” (ya had to see it for yourself to appreciate the humor LOL).

Seek's avatar

@emanuelegomes

The hot/cold game is classic emotional abuse.

ninjacolin's avatar

I wish your parents would have a chat with us on fluther.
Wait til after you leave if ever that seems doable.

Also.. Leaving sounds like a good idea. Please do.

Lastly, I know a thing or two about fanatical religious parents. More than a thing or two.

@emanuelegomes, after you leave continue to be nice. Continue to be grateful for every good thing they were successful at contributing to your life. Do pursue a lasting and meaningful relationship as adult family members together. Remember that their mistakes in the past, present and future are still based in love and good will. Never assume for even a second that they want any less than the best for you despite their incompetence. Forgive them, love them.

And whatever you do in your free life, make them proud that you turned out how you did even if they aren’t allowed to admit to it. And yea, they may not ever feel that they can encourage you in good conscience regardless of how well you do as long as you aren’t following their path. That’s how a lot of fanatics are. But you know what good looks like. Pursue a good life, not a shitty one.

sweet_star's avatar

I love your parents!

Hello? They just want to protect you! They traveled so far for you to have a better future than them, and you want pot and a guy!
Seriously honey, you have to relax a little. Arguing with your parents never turns out good! Trust me!

I am 22, also daughter of migrant parents, and when I was 18 I also hatted all the attempts my parents had with protecting me. I moved out with my boyfriend at the time (my current husband) and at 18 I had my first child. At 20, my fabulous love of my life cheated on me, and I had to go back to the only people that really truly and unconditionally love me, my parents.

I wish I could say the right words to get you to understand that you should be happy that you have parents that care that much.
So, my advice to you is to talk to them. First say, dad and mom, I am sorry for not being able to follow the rigorous Christian commands that you want me to follow. And I am sorry for not being the daughter you wanted me to be. I know you are trying to protect me, and I appreciate it so much. However, you are pushing me away from you, and I love you so much. So, I want you to let me loose just a little, because I also do not want for you to stop caring for me. Secondly, if you truly think that that guy you really want to be with is worthy of you, then ask him to go talk with your parents (don’t worry they won’t kill him). Make him feel what you have to go through with your parents. So, tell him to go meet your parents and to ask for permission to date you. (this is just to show your parents that he is not a horrible person that just wants to use you, and that he can be responsible)

So just make peace with your parents. I am now a parent and I know all we want is the best for our kids. And I also do not want you to make the same mistakes most of my friends and I made when we were 18. (most are currently being single mothers)

If you make peace with your parents everything will be great! God bless youh! :)

BeenThereSaidThat's avatar

@sweet_star Your post was probably the best one here. I agree with you and I think it is awful how the majority of the posts side with her (this young girl) and make her parents out to be monsters. They are only getting her version and we all know how most teens think their parents are horrible. not to mention how they twist the real facts.

JLeslie's avatar

Something to remember is some families just have to have the time when their children leave the nest be full of turmoil. My husband’s family is like this. They were not overly controlling or religious, but they did have a cultural value of the children staying at home until married, although at the same time they allowed their children to leave for their educations, but often there still was turmoil even with that.

They had to say negative things that were discouraging or dissapproving, they are freaked out about missing their kids, even when their children were adults. Their daughter moved out in her mid twenties and their other son in his mid thirties! My husband left for college at 18, and then never returned home to his country. We married when we were 25 years old and his parents said all sorts of things to discourage him. They said some of the same things they hate their own parents for saying. Funny how things can repeat themselves.

Don’t do anything simply to spite your parents, recognize where they do make sense. Most parents don’t want to control their children they are just terrified. They have their own set of anxieties regarding your happiness and safety. If you can try for a second to put yourself in their place and have some empathy for their persepective it might help you not be so angry and rather be understanding. It doesn’t mean you can still break out on your own, but it can make things easier.

@sweet_star So there is a pattern in your community. I hope something is done to break that cycle. What about your parents and the parents of your peers, did they also leave their parent’s home young to escape their control?

emanuelegomes's avatar

@sweet_star been there tried that. my parents refuse to meet the guy and talk to me. You love the fact that they aren’t paying for my education and not at least letting me get a job to do it on my own? Why do you think I am bounded and chained down to the whole idea of 18 year olds leaving and getting pregnant and wasting their lives. I do this in hopes that they understand I mean business. I’ve asked them several times for more freedom, do you think they will listen? Their own parents have told them they are too rough on me, within reason. I understand you are a parent now and had your fair share of shit but I’m not leaving to live with my boyfriend and become a nobody. I am leaving to prove to them that I don’t need them for everything. You really think I want to lose the people who love me the most? I’m not 13 years old. I have had my fair share of responsibilities aka taking care of several kids. I spent two weeks in a unfamiliar state, PAYING to do volunteer work and taking care of homeless and senior citizens that messed their lives up. I have had some taste of what bad looks like. Thank you though for giving me your point of view.

sweet_star's avatar

Well, I am sorry if you do not want to keep trying with your parents. Trust me, they are not after you trying to ruin your life. They are the only people on the planet that will always and forever love and seek to guide you. The fact that you paid volunteer work just shows how wonderful job they have been doing, because you do have some responsible actions.

And of course your parents won’t want to meet him, but that’s your boyfriends’ responsibility. If he wants to be with you, then he will seek to be in good terms with your parents as well.

However, I am not going to try to convince you to not move away, because it is also part of a growing up; just don’t do it being mad at your parents.

I wish you all the best.

So, whatever you decide to do, take care. Ok?

XOXO

sweet_star's avatar

@JLeslie, I do not see how it is relevant, but no, actually my dad grew up on a less fortunate family and he had to move out to work and help support his younger siblings since he was nine, and my mother basically grew up in a religious college up until she was 14, and I have heard that both of my parents were very tight with their parents. My mother was very submissive (of course since she grew up with nuns). I wasnt, and I will probably never be that submisive, but I love this new relationship I now have with my parents. That is why I share it, because I wish everybody had it with their own parents.

Oh, and there is no cycle happening in my community, there is actually a cycle happening everywhere. It’s called life. We all want to and should make our own mistakes (since we do all make mistakes). However, when I see somebody about to make some of the mistakes I made, I will for sure try to (if not stop) warn them.

JLeslie's avatar

@sweet_star I just wondered, because sometimes there is a pattern that happens and people are not aware of it. Not aware of themselves. It’s possibly your parents would have given you a hard time until you were 30 and finally moved out, because you had to go through leaving them physically to leave them emotionally, and they needed to go through the loss of being able to control you to respect you as an adult with your own mind. Having what I call “old world” parents can be especially trying. I think often men fare better with that situation, and having access to education can help also.

Anyway, part of my point here is that the OP might be a teen not handling the situation well, and part of it might be her parent’s will not come around while she is still in the house. It would be best if she leaves to live with friends or goes to college and does not live with her boyfriend, so she can have independence and learn about herself and hopefully use birth control of some sort. Physically leaving the home we grew up in I think is a good idea, even for people who have parents who are all for the children making their own decisions and becoming their own independent adults. I am not saying people have to leave right at the end of high school, but within a few years of it I do think is a good idea.

I think she should try with her parents too, I don’t know if you looked at my answers, but I keep asking the OP to show respect to her parents. For all we know her boyfriend is not a good man, we have no idea. He might be controlling, similar to her parents, it is not uncommon for people to seek out similar situations to what they are accustomed to. He might be wonderful.

jca's avatar

@sweet_star: It’s also possible that the parents are just plain crazy and should be gotten away from asap. As pointed out by @Seek above, their “hot/cold” behavior is emotionally abusive. What this girl @emanuelegomes is looking for is just a little freedom, as she points out, to get a job and attend school functions and she is not even allowed to do that. I would probably be miserable, too, if I were her.

@emanuelegomes: @sweet_star brings up a good point. I hope if you are having sex, you are using birth control. That should be high priority for you – you don’t want to get pregnant.

Darth_Algar's avatar

@sweet_star

Of course no parent tries to ruin their child’s life. That doesn’t mean they can’t still be abusive however.

Seek's avatar

They are the only people on the planet that will always and forever love and seek to guide you.

How nice it must be to live in a world where you can actually believe this is true.

JLeslie's avatar

@Seek It usually is. Usually in cases like this the teen is the one misunderstanding the parents intentions or wanting to do something that is not the best decision. On fluther there have been so many Q’s where the teen finally talks to their parent after we push them to (and I am sure because if other influences also) and they are surprised how well it it goes after being totally freaked and sure their parents are going to be unreasonable or angry.

Then there is that other group of arents who really do suck.

jca's avatar

@emanuelegomes: I saw on a recent q that you wrote you recently moved out. Can you please provide an update as to how things went and how your parents are taking it? Only if you want to, of course.

Thank you.
jca
The Update Lady

emanuelegomes's avatar

@jca
oh of course. Well I moved out last friday and took the belongings I thought I needed most and well, my parents haven’t contacted me since or tried to talk to me. Even though I do not have a phone, I am friends with them on Facebook, twitter, instagram, they have my email, they know where I go to school and they haven’t tried at all but on sunday I went home to try and get some stuff and my father changed the locks on the door. It hit me like a brick wall.
I’ve already been to two interviews, my final interview for one job will be next week and they seem to really like me. I told them straight off the bat (the manager is “them”) that I had moved out, still in high school and just trying to follow a dream and such and such. The manager said I have potential so on june 11th, that will be my final interview to see if i got the job which is going to be like a group interview and I’ll have a challenge of like making an outfit with the clothing they sell in twenty minutes or something and they give me a specific event to dress the mannequin. The day I moved out was the day I went in to apply to this job and after that I sat outside the mall on a bench eating my sandwich and waiting for my ride. As I was sitting there, I was next to some girl that worked at the mall, I didn’t know her but the wrapper of my sandwich flew on her and caused me to have to apologize and I cursed which made her laugh and it started up a conversation. Turns out that this girl who my sandwich wrapper decided to land on, this girl she had been living on her own since she was 14 and moved out and she had recently moved to new jersey so she ended up giving me her number and she’s been helping a lot, she’s even offered to give me a free iPhone which i am so totally grateful. Regardless of everything, God has been with me and sent people to care for me and just agh its so surprisingly and my boyfriend’s family also offered to pay for my phone bill and buy me groceries whenever I need it. I’m just so blessed right now and grateful, things are good :)

dappled_leaves's avatar

@emanuelegomes I’m glad to hear that you’re optimistic and that you have opportunities coming your way. And I’m so disappointed in your parents. I hope they come around after some time has passed. Keep in touch with us here and let us know how it all goes!

Seek's avatar

* applause *

You did it!

Look at you, all moved out and getting a job. You rock. You are a superhero – you can do anything.

Please, keep bringing back progress stories. I’m so damn proud of you.

JLeslie's avatar

@emanuelegomes Did you leave your parents a note when you moved out? Or, did you just disappear? Did you bother to call them to say you were ok?

Be a little on your guard with the girl that your wrapper fell on. Leaving at 14 is extremely young. She is a runaway. Her parents may have been horrible, I am not questioning that, but it is difficult for 14 year olds to not get into to a bad mess when they are out on their own. Plus, giving you something like a phone for free, I just have a bad feeling. Don’t meet her anywhere but public places if you decide to stay in touch with her. Don’t accept drinks from her. Remember once you leave your drink you cannot go back to drinking it. That’s true not only with her, but when you are out at any bar or restaurant with people you don’t know well.

emanuelegomes's avatar

@JLeslie both her parents got locked up that’s why but you are right
@Seek thank you!
Update: just got a weekend job $10/hr

GloPro's avatar

Yay, job! Congratulations!

dxs's avatar

Yeah! Congrats

LostInParadise's avatar

Glad to see things are working out. You seem to have some clear goals and I wish you the best of luck in achieving them. Your parents locking you out makes me wonder about them. It would be nice if you could eventually reconcile, but with a move like that I am having doubts. Keep open to the possibility anyway.

Yetanotheruser's avatar

@emanuelegomes Congratulations! Sounds like things are off and running in a good way for you.

I would not be overly concerned about your immigration status. As was mentioned above, ICE is underfunded and can only be concerned with the most egregious criminals. I have a brasileiro friend who overstayed his visa, over 15 years ago. He pays taxes every year, and is supporting his 12-year-old daughter, who was born here. If his experience is any indication, I think you will do just fine.

JLeslie's avatar

@emanuelegomes If her parents go to jail then the system takes her at 14 and she becomes a ward of the state or given to the protective custody of a relative. She still is a runaway if she truly was on her own at 14. Seriously be careful. She could be luring young girls in and I am not going to assume you are naive because of your religious background, but I do have that worry.

ninjacolin's avatar

@emanuelegomes, excited and worried about you at the same time! I really expected your dad to react in that kind of way. That’s a classic disgruntled fanatic’s move. Give it some time, but do forgive them. Some people just have a hard time with this stuff. I mean, obviously the risks you are taking are not what they wanted for you.

And you are taking risks, fyi. Well, you know that but really, what @JLeslie said is true about drinks. You have to hone your “street smarts.” I know a lot of bad ass chicks who made it through their teens and young adult life safely only through knowing how to protect themselves and not desperately risking too much trust in exchange for friendships. Time will show you who your friends are. Friends earn their status, they don’t get it for free. What I’m saying is: good friends will support you in your decisions to protect yourself. They’ll understand if you don’t want to try a drink after being away from it, for example.

In fact, you better just go ahead and google “Street Smarts” and read every blog you can.

While you’re at it, Google fashion blogs and read those too. Should help with your job interview. ;)

Great, now we probably sound like your over-protective parents. haha.

So you have your own laptop, right? If not, get one soon. Being tech savvy is worth money. That’s what I know. And you have a resource who can help you with that if ever you need it. Just ask! Hint: Making money is all about being useful to someone who has money to exchange for your time. There are lots of people with problems you can solve, legally, who will pay for your help.

GloPro's avatar

Given the protective background I would assume there are no “street smarts”

JLeslie's avatar

@GloPro That is exactly what I am worried about and why I gave the mini lecture. All too often the very religious think their kids are perfect and pure and don’t get a chance to interact with bad people because their parents “chain” them up at home. I feel like writing a list, use condoms, never drink from a glass that was out of your site, never get into the car of someone you don’t know, when you walk walk with confidence and your head up, don’t sit in your car n a parking lot, be sure to lock all your car doors as soon as you are in your car, don’t post on Facebook where you are, etc etc.

emanuelegomes's avatar

@JLeslie @ninjacolin hahah thank you thank you! I haven’t been around this girl alone, we always just talk when she’s on break at the mall. We exchanged Facebook names and that’s about it. I’m not a drinker at all, so I don’t think I’ll worry about that and I always carry my own water bottle and it’s in my bag or hand at all times. I live in the ghetto guys, I know some things, I’m not that naive. But thank you, I’m glad you guys are concerned. It made me be a bit more cautious actually.

JLeslie's avatar

It has nothing to do with alcohol, I don’t drink alcohol. If I am in a bar drinking a Coke, once I leave it to go to dance or to go to the bathroom that Coke is done.

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