Do you think this counts as cheating?

I guess that depends on what the rules of the relationship are. Personally, I think kissing is cheating, but that’s just my opinion.

I think that’s cheating. If the two of you have different ideas about what cheating is that’s something you need to resolve and soon.

Well here’s the rules according to what she said:
“I would probably die if you kissed another girl, and I would never ever do it to you unless you were with me and you wanted me to do it”

This is a question only you can answer. Do you feel like you can no longer trust her? Do you feel betrayed? I’d say to trust your feelings on this one; don’t rationalize.

Well then, unless you were “with (her)” and “wanted (her) to do it”, then I guess she broke her own rules.

Is it cheating? That would be up to you.

She may be bi-sexual, but have you two agreed to be monogamous? If the answer is yes, then it doesn’t matter if she kissed a chipmunk – it’s cheating.

But again, only you know this.

Well, maybe not a chipmunk.

Okay, so I consider it cheating.
But I just wanted your opinions to see if I was probably overreacting, that’s all.

oh, and no, I was on the other side of the world at the time…

chipmunks are well-known homewreckers. they’re the worst

I would think it be cheating if my girlfriend kissed another girl without my consent.

That being said, if i was there im ALL FOR IT :P

Anyhow, the girl sounds like fun. If the relationship isn’t serious, I’d keep her around for a bit. =)

@tinyfaery
Lets just say its very very serious
(coz it is)
Infact, until last night I would have said she would say it was more serious than me.

Well, that’s unfortunate. She obviously feels bad. But, like I said before, it’s up to you to decide this one. I’m a bit more lenient when it comes to “infidelity”; I think monogamy is a destructive social construct, a lot of times causing more harm than good. But at the same time, I’d never do anything physical with anyone else without discussing it with my wife first. She and I are still open to swapping with Brad and Angie. I wouldn’t deny her a tryst with Ally Larder. And she wouldn’t deny me Mila Jovovich. Damn! Mila is hot!

well, she certainly wasn’t a celebrity this girl, and neither is the guy they were turning on.
Something else you mention is the physical thing.
According to her “it’s not a physical thing”
So her tongue isn’t connected to her body now?

I doubt she turned down the threesome.

@cprevite yes <nodding emphatically> chipmonks are notorius homewreckers

@tinyfairy My partner has a free pass for Jon Bon Jovi and I get a free pass for Hugh Jackman. (Although, when you think about it, it’s kinda odd that our fantasy f*&*ks are men.)

My list also includes Johnny Depp and Taye Diggs. Sexy is sexy dammit!

We all know about chipmunks, sure, but squirrels, y’all. Worse than chipmunks. A squirrel will tell you he loves you and take off as soon as he gets what he came for, and doesn’t give two acorns about how you feel.

But seriously, @cage, tell her you think that that behavior constitutes cheating. Now that it’s out there, you both should discuss what you consider cheating and whether or not you can agree about such matters. Good luck.

Definitely cheating.

So, it’s cheating even in her book. I think the fact that she did it to turn someone else on instead of for herself and the other girl makes it worse and not better. She’s fine with cheating in order to turn on some guy instead of being guided by the passion of the moment. She wasn’t out of her head, and she still didn’t consider your feelings at the time. Damn. Don’t hang your heart on that one.

If my guy had pretty much anything to do with anyone else getting off, I’d have some pretty big questions.

It depends on your agreement with her. Have you talked about what being faithful to each other means? How important is this to you? That is what matters—not what anyone else thinks cheating is.

I’m not sure of the question. Did just one kiss get the guy off? hmmm…

@chyna
lol, I don’t mean ‘get off’ in the sense I think you think it is.
Get off as in turn him on.

And the question is pretty simple. Would you consider it cheating? and how would you feel?

Yes, I would consider it cheating. I would feel betrayed, but would try to work it out.

Well, I am bisexual and I sometimes kiss my female friends, but only the ones I am very good friends with and only in an affectionate manner. I have discussed this very thing with my boyfriend and he doesn’t consider it cheating because we talked about it. In this case, yeah, it is cheating. She’s bisexual so the rules are different. How would you feel if the situation was exactly the same except she kissed a guy? My boyfriend says that I can make out with another female in front of him if I want, but I could very well be attracted to this woman and conceivably want her more than him, so I try to avoid that.

I’d say yeah, if there was another guy involved and you’re not OK with that, it’s cheating.

Yes, cheating. Does she deserve a second chance? Probably. She told you about it right away, so that’s one point in her favor. Not that telling you makes it ok.

I’m tired of these questions. People keep wanting us to validate their views. Grow some stones. If you feel like it’s cheating, then to you it’s cheating. You don’t need other people to confirm it to make sure you’re right.
bah.

If you’re tired of these questions, don’t click on them.
Also, you don’t understand my reasoning for this, or for that matter anyone else’s who asks a similar question.

No I don’t understand. If you think it’s cheating then yes, it’s cheating. It doesn’t matter if every other human on the planet says its not, if YOU think that in YOUR relationship what she did counts as cheating…then it’s cheating.
Black and white.

If you start with having a bi gf, then you’re asking for something like that to happen. But it’s only “cheating” when she lies about it. In fact I think it’s the lying that is the real problem, not the kiss itself. Every relationship has its own rules and it is up to the people who are in it to accept or reject certain behaviours.

Jack, being bi doesn’t mean she doesn’t get what an exclusive relationship is all about. Someone in a relationship with a bi gf isn’t the same as someone in a relationship with someone who’s stated they’re polyamorous and won’t be exclusive.

@jack: what?!?!?!?! We bisexuals follow all the same rules and social conventions of those who are attracted to only one sex. I would not kiss another person, male or female, without my boyfriend’s permission and even then I wouldn’t have asked if he hadn’t first said that he would be okay with it, before I even brought it up. Bisexuals do not have sex with everyone just as you do not have sex with every person of the sex to which you are attracted.

@cynd: good answer. Thank you for getting it.

You’re welcome. Cheers!

@Kata yes, I guess you are right, except that “bi” can usually mean either of two things: someone who really is “bi” and as you say could have either one or the other relationship (but not both) and no, I don’t get it at all, but I can just accept it or someone who uses the word “bi” as an excuse for cheating and basically just having sex with whoever, whenever, whatever. But yes, I understand your point, wasn’t trying to be offensive, sorry.

@jack, perhaps in your experience thats what bi means… but I’ve never seen that.

actually my gf is bi and she doesn’t cheat on me. But the original question made me think that the girl belonged to the other category.

btw I’m not so strict on cheating anyway, I’ve always maintained that there are thousands of worse things you could do to hurt someone, and have had all of them done to me. My gf and I have never cheated on each other, but that’s simply because we never felt the need to (and have more important things to worry about).

I’m nominally bi, and for a brief (unfortunate) time I once dated another bisexual woman. To me, when I’m in an exclusive relationship with someone, I am in it with them, exclusively. Just because I can find many people attractive doesn’t mean that I am allowed to have them, if that makes sense.

The bi woman I dated had the opinion that being bi meant that you get to have two “exclusive” relationships, one with a man and one with a woman. I had never heard of this; it was a surprise to me to learn that “exclusive” meant “only mostly exclusive, sort of.” It’s bisexuals like that who give the rest of us a bad name.

The way I look at gender, it’s more of a quality about a person (like hair color, or intelligence, or whether or not they like British humor) that helps make up who they are, but it doesn’t mean that I get one of every flavor. It’s like this: if my Significant Other liked blondes, brunettes, and redheads, does that mean s/he gets to have three “exclusive” relationships (one with a person of each hair color)? I should hope not. It doesn’t work that way with gender either, in my world. And that’s why I “downsized” that relationship.

@laureth: Well said. A bisexual person who cheat his/her significant other is no different than a straight or gay person who cheats. If my straight boyfriend kisses another woman with romantic or sexual feelings, then it is the same as if I kiss another person, either male or female, with romantic or sexual feelings. A bisexual woman who has sex with everyone willing is just the same as a straight man who has sex with any willing woman.

More like a game.

She’s a cheater.

Yes, she deserves some forgiveness for telling you right away but she’s still a cheater. Sorry, it might be harsh but I guess it all depends on your view. If it’s okay to kiss others in your relationship, then it’s not cheating but it’s never been okay in mine.

My guess is that she DID the threesome and then lied to you when she detected you would not react well.

I think you are buying a BS story—demand a threesome immediately!

so if some guy offered to marry me and I said no but only slept with him, does that get me off the hook? Get the comparison? Just because she said no to something more extreme doesn’t excuse the first act.
of course, to each his own and perhaps you don’t care, but I think you do since you asked fluther. Punish her – demand a threesome immediately!

In my opinion, the first two questions are why she was trying to get that random guy off & why when she was willing to do so when she was in a relationship. If she’s willing to risk upsetting you by doing something like this, you may have worse problems in the future even if this doesn’t constitute cheating in your mind.

Laureth, I like your answer, and on a spiritual level I can even understand your point, but no matter how hard I try I could not even theoretically envision me with another man. You might as well be telling me that “just because someone happens to be dead, it doesn’t mean they should be excluded from society”. One of the civilizations in the Andes (Incas?) used to do that, live with their dead anf keep fetching them food and sitting them upright around the fire, years after they’d died. To me the idea of bisexuality is just as incomprehensible. But hey, if you can make sense of it, who am I to judge?

NOTE: I can absolutely understand homosexuality, this makes perfect sense to me. It’s not caring about the gender of your sex partner that baffles me

@Jack: Not everyone is bisexual, and as such, of course it would be hard to picture yourself with another man. It’s because you do care about the gender, and that’s OK!

Like they say to my lesbian mom – perhaps you just haven’t met the right man yet. ;)

I was trying to explain why “exclusive” means, to me as a bisexual, the same thing as it would to a monosexual. I hope it didn’t come across as “everyone must be bi.”

no, not at all. It’s just that I’ve heard this before and even though it makes sense to me in theory, I cannot understand it in practise. I can understand for example my lesbian friend liking women. She sees in them whatever it is I see in them. Or even gay men, who see in me whatever it is my girlfriend sees in me.

But the idea that “gender is just another characteristic” is hard to grasp. I guess if I told a racist “skin colour is just another characteristic” they’d also find it hard to grasp, and they’d come out with something like “so what, you’d let your daughter marry a black?”. Which of course for me would be an easy “yes”, but for them would be unthinkable. Similarly, I’m trying to find that analogy and think “sure, why not? why not be with someone who happens to have green eyes, black hair, be overweight oh and also happen to be the opposite sex of the one you normally want to have sex with?”. It just doesn’t work for me, because I think that when it comes to sex (and not just friendship or business partnership or something), then the other person’s bodily features matter a lot more than as mere characteristics. If my lover happened to have a penis, I would not consider it a mere inconvenience, nor would I be able to overlook it as if it were a pimple.

The reason I’m saying all this is that I’m really trying to understand the notion, since my own girlfriend admits that she could just as easily be with a woman if that person fulfilled her other needs. And she often admires sexy women, even more than I do actually.

@Jack79: I can see where you’re coming from. Peoples’ naughty bits have a lot of cultural baggage attached (as well as biological) and I can understand why that is hard for some people to get past.

Perhaps if I explain it like this, it might clarify somewhat (although I’m not trying to convert anyone – just explain my view). In strictly physical terms, a penis is like a really big clitoris. (Or vice versa, you know what I mean.) They are both designed for the pleasure of the owner. For a partner, they are both fun, too. To me, they really are like different versions of each other. They’re different, yes, but it doesn’t make one more fun than the other, just fun in different ways. And to be perfectly blunt, if you are receiving pleasure and had your eyes closed, does the gender of the person attached to the fingers (or whatever) matter? To me, it doesn’t, because the sensations would be similar if not identical. Just like it is hard for you to wrap your mind around my assertions, it’s hard for me to wrap my mind around the notion that one set of organs is “untouchable” or “disgusting” because of their relative size or layout. They’re just bundled nerves.

I find, however, that the (hormonally-induced?) mental differences between men and women are what make the difference for me – I generally prefer males because of the way the mind works, not because of the genital arrangement. Also, there’s a cultural imperative for females to behave in some ways, and males to behave in others. If one of those sets of behaviors is vastly more attractive than the other, I can understand a strong preference for the gender that behaves a certain way.

Also, for me personally, a certain amount of androgyny is particularly attractive. Men with long hair and a quieter nature, and women with crew-cuts and a more imperitave nature are more attractive to me than those with more traditional gender displays. If I see someone whose gender I cannot read, that’s totally delicious to me. I realize I’m weird, and that most people would go mad trying to figure out “Izzat a man or izzat a woman? How can I know whether or not to hit on that person if I can’t tell?”—to me, it’s as though I know the individual parts don’t matter.

This is probably Too Much Information for such a public site, but oh well. I’m doing this for the good of humanity, right? :)

Your second paragraph makes more sense to me than the first one. Because also for me it’s not so much a question of the physiological makeup but of the hormones, behaviour, etc. I could never have sex with a transvestite for example, even if the form was that of a sexy woman all curves, because the feel for me would still be that of a man. This has actually happened to me once, and I could not get turned on, and didn’t know why, and later discovered why.

So from what you’ve been saying I gather that you’re not exactly bi in the sense that you like both sexes, but in the sense that you like what lies in the middle between them. So a macho guy or a coquette is not your style? This actually makes more sense (ok, still not my taste, but at least I understand it). A bit like Chinese fried ice-cream.

Yeah, actually, that’s a good way of summing up my tastes. Strong women, or sensitive guys. They don’t need to sit right in the middle of the bell curve, but you’re right about the macho guys (blowhards!) or coquettes (so helpless!).

Ok Im bi and female, I have a boyfriend. We have the agreement that if he is there to watch or says yes then its ok. If I dont tell him or do it behind his back then it is cheating, if I tell him I did it without telling him about it first it is cheating.

The other thing is if you are in a relationship bi straight what ever the rules are the same. You are with someone, unless you are not practicing monogamy you are cheating if you do anything with the same or opposite sex. I am tired of hearing about cases were people have two “serious” relationships going on one with the opposite sex and one with the same sex. It can not be that serious if you need two people. Also I am tired of hearing people saying oh its not cheating because Im bi. Since when? If my boyfriend ran off and started making out with guys behind my back I would be pissed, and it would still be cheating. You are being disloyal end of story.

This girl went against the rules of your relationship, therefor she cheated on you. As for the other guy present, in my opinion that counts as her flirting with him. When is the last time someone said it was ok for their girlfriend or boyfriend to turn on another person whether it be physical or not. If I was getting another guy off by flirting or making out with a girl for the sole purpose of getting a guy off it is being disloyal and cheating. Now whether or not you want to forgive her and move on in your relationship that is up to you.

Well said, Trance. Lurve to ya.

I feel that I should mention that it was my best friend, I was drunk, and this said friend knows exactly how to get me to do anything she wants me to do. I’m not validating my actions in the least, but just figured I’d throw that out there.

Also, I did feel absolutely fucking horrible, and @jessturtle23, no, I didn’t.

But yes, it was cheating, and I don’t think that my being bisexual makes it any less cheating.

@timeand_distance So you’re the girl in question here? Interesting. And brave :)

I 2nd august.

@whitelily14, @Trance24 : yes!

depends on your views. Mine and my fiances agreement as of now after what a friend did to me is now we don’t touch or anything anyone else without each other around, and we pre discuss every little detail of everything.

@justus2 “pre discuss every little detail of everything?” That would get tedious and boring.

@chyna I mean make sure everything we may do is pre discussed and deternminted that it is ok with both of us, if you knew what happened a few weeks ago you would understand why I said it that way