General Question

unsuregal's avatar

My boyfriend wants to have a threesome and Im not sure what to do!

Asked by unsuregal (28 points ) January 4th, 2009

My boyfriend of three years asked me for a threesome for his birthday. Although I’ve had some minor experimentation with women, I am definetly 100% straight. I want to please him, but I am very jealous, plus I think about all the general questions like ” does he love me enough?” and how am I sure that he wont run away with the threesome girl!??!?!?! I dont know if I can stand it…If he wants me to kiss a girl or something, it wouldnt be too much to bear.. but seing him having sex with her or touching her.. well it would just kill me. Guys, do you have something to say? Its urgent!!!!!

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57 Answers

AstroChuck's avatar

Bring another guy to bed and say, “Happy Birthday. Here’s your threesome.”

La_chica_gomela's avatar

The answer seems obvious to me. Don’t do anything that would “just kill you” : don’t do the threesome…

unsuregal's avatar

i like you answer astro chuck!!

arnbev959's avatar

These folks are better equipped to answer this kind of question.

However, (now I’ll admit, I’m no expert,) I think you should probably get your boyfriend something else for his birthday.

unsuregal's avatar

could it help if i set some ground rules? for example that he JUST CANT have sex with her, like actual intercourse? and that it has to be everything between us three?

judochop's avatar

Brown chicken brown cow.

peedub's avatar

If you’re not 100% comfortable with it, NO EFFIN WAY!

wundayatta's avatar

I believe I heard that threesomes are fairly highly correlated with relationship breakups. I know it was the case for me.

It is a male fantasy to have women going wild for them. It feels really good, too. It’s good for the ego. But I think it may also be selfish, especially if your partner is not really into it.

Is he expecting you to procure a woman for this venture, or do you have someone already in mind? Is this other person interested? Is it a close friend? Does she have an interest in your boyfriend?

All in all, I’d say that if you’re not into it, don’t do it. If he is disappointed, too bad. He’ll get over it. If he doesn’t, he’s not the one for you.

unsuregal's avatar

No, we have no idea who this girl might be… I mean I am speaking to him right now and setting some serious ground rules that should help me a lot… i know he loves me and everything but if I could just do something to make me in control..

funkdaddy's avatar

Chuck beat me to it, but really I think the male equivalent your boyfriend may understand would be if you decided to get friendly with another guy in public (whether it’s making out at a party your boyfriend is at as well, dancing suggestively with another guy in a club you both go to, something like that). This calls his masculinity into question in the same way having another girl in bed calls your femininity into question. If he’s cool with that, then you guys have some differences that you’ll need to figure out. Don’t let anyone else tell you collectively what’s appropriate for your relationship.

I’m not suggesting actually grabbing the next guy that walks past you both and snogging, it just may be a point he’ll understand better than “what if I brought another guy to bed”... either way, you need to talk to him. Birthdays should be fun for both of you, it’s not an excuse to guilt you into something you’re not comfortable with.

By the same token, it may be a great opportunity to discuss some things you may both want to try and are both comfortable with.

googlybear's avatar

Listen to “Loveline” with Dr. Drew…inevitably someone will ask about threesomes and his responses is that if you want to kill the relationship, go ahead…I think he’s right…do you really want to throw away 3 years and worry about infidelity all the time..

elijah's avatar

Don’t do it. Seriously. It obviously isn’t right for you (and that’s ok). You should never do something that you don’t want to just to make him happy.

loser's avatar

It doesn’t sound like you’re ready. Don’t do it.

LKidKyle1985's avatar

This is pretty simple, if you don’t like chicks then a threesome is not up your ally. Some things are meant to stay fantasy. And threesomes are def not meant to work out in a serious relationship. There are exceptions, but im tellin you it has bad Idea written all over it.

unsuregal's avatar

i am so unsure!!! :S:S:S it probably is a terrible idea like you said.

DrBill's avatar

You also have to ask yourself,

if I do this, what else will he ask for in the future?

My vote is absolutely not, no way, no how. This is the behavior of someone who is not in a relationship, and will most likely end yours.

Perchik's avatar

I can’t come up with a place for a threesome in a healthy relationship. Whatever scenario I come up with in my head, it feels like cheating. If he wants something outside of you right now, then what’s to stop him from wanting something outside of of you later in life? My gut instinct is that if he’s asking for a threesome, then he isn’t fulfilled by you and you need to talk about that. Communication is key. Why does he want a threesome? Does he want you to do more to please him in bed? does he have a girl in mind? It seems like a way to cheat on you with permission. That’s just terrible in my mind.

unsuregal's avatar

He says he wants a threesome because its his fantasy to see me with another girl. He told me that everything will obviously involve me because his fantasy is WITH ME and someone else.. and that he is willing to follow any rules I ask or whenever Im not confortable with it, that we should stop.. he is even backing out now… what does this mean?!

DrBill's avatar

if he is backing out, it could mean he does not want to risk losing you.

unsuregal's avatar

He knows Im unsure about this and doesnt want to pressure me… I dont think he is asking me this because he wants to be with someone else other than me..

kevbo's avatar

TROLL, PEOPLE.

elijah's avatar

He might be backing out because he knows this makes him look good. If his fantasy is to see you with another girl, then why would he want to participate? It’s really too late now anyway, because no matter what happens you will always know that he wants to be with another girl.

Perchik's avatar

Well that’s at least a little bit better I guess. At least he doesn’t want to have sex with the other girl, he just wants the other girl and you to go at it. The fact that he’s willing to back out means that he probably didn’t expect you to say yes anyway. He’s not willing to risk your relationship on it. I’d talk about it…try to figure out what it is about another girl pleasuring you that turns him on. Perhaps he likes watching you be pleasured, in which case tape yourselves or something. If you’re not comfortable with another girl like that, don’t do it.

I still oppose it either way, but it’s your call. I think there needs to be a lot of communication here though.

I’ve never understood the girl on girl fantasy anyway

unsuregal's avatar

Yes, we definetly need to talk more about it. He says that he wants us to be involved in every way… the only one on one we will be having is with each other.. what do you think?

marinelife's avatar

Your boyfriend is being manipulative. If that’s so very hot for him, he should keep fantasizing about it. Get him a music cd.

If a guy cares about you, what is important to him is you being fulfilled and comfortable in your love life as well as him.

Please care enough about yourself not to do something you are not comfortable doing.

elijah's avatar

Oh please!! If he didn’t want it he would of never asked. You don’t like girls, bottom line. He should know that after three years.

unsuregal's avatar

You know what? YOU ARE SO RIGHT! the only way we are having it is if I get to have one first.. with Brad Pitt….Why are guys so manipulative!?!?!??!!?

AstroChuck's avatar

Ménage à trios is French for “Kodak moment.”

Perchik's avatar

I wouldn’t necessarily say he’s being manipulative…. I mean he had a fantasy and he wanted you to fulfill it. The thing about fantasies though, they’re never as good as you have built them up to be in your head, and they’re almost always best left as fantasies.

LKidKyle1985's avatar

This kid has done his research on how to get a girl to have a threesome, don’t believe that mumble jumble.

Knotmyday's avatar

@judo- I love that joke!!!

I’m a guy, with a pretty normal sex drive; sometimes my gaze lingers a little too long over the occasional bikini model.

But there is no way on the good green earth that I would suggest that my SO share our bed with someone else- to me, that would shatter the foundation of our relationship. It would make things icky, for lack of a better term. Maybe “sleazy” is a better term. Icky and sleazy.
It would certainly alter our future interactions…
Not a prude, just a realist.

unsuregal's avatar

Yes… I’ll log in later to keep on discussing this.. thanks a lot you guys!!!!

windex's avatar

wow unsuregal…FAIL!

Break up with him. He is clearly not a good boyfriend. What is he looking for? an escort or a girlfriend?

You can always get a really heavy individual to sit on his face until he stops breathing :)

figbash's avatar

The only way a threesome could hypothetically work, is if both partners feel rock solid and secure with the relationship. Even then, it’s dicey. You don’t sound secure with the relationship even before this could happen. Back away from the idea and start taking a hard look at your relationship with him.

unsuregal's avatar

what do you want!!! im UNSURE GAL!

krose1223's avatar

do it, do it, do it!!!

Ok not really. If he’s been your boyfriend of three years he should really respect your boundaries.

tessa's avatar

hold on a minute! why is everyone attacking the boyfriend we know nothing about! Threesomes mostly do not work, they definitely do not work if one of the partners isn’t into it. But just because someone wants one does not mean he (or could be she :-)) is manipulative and a bad boyfriend. Unsuregal, you’ve been with your man 3 years, you know him best. Don’t do the threesome if you don’t want to, but don’t break up with him just because he shared a very common fantasy with you.
I know well adjusted couples who do this sort of thing, not saying it works for me, and I’m not sure how long it will work for them, but your boyfriend is not evil, like he has been portrayed by some flutherites, purely for suggesting a threesome.

tessa's avatar

p.s. let us not pass judgment on people we know not.

ckinyc's avatar

he asked. You can say no if you don’t feel comfortable. I know girls will put up with very uncomforable things…like a pair of fab heels. But this ain’t one of those things. Buy him a Wiii instead.

jessturtle23's avatar

I would feel insecure if my bf asked me to do that. Not because I lack confidence but that my bf didn’t get that I wasn’t into girls after dating three years or that he didn’t know if I would do it or not after three years. I would be surprised. It would piss me off if he asked for it for his birthday. After I said no and then gave him a gift he would just open it and be thinking, ” it’s nice but it’s no threesome”.

serenityNOW's avatar

Maybe you can put this out of the spectrum of sex and relationships a little bit and think about is this way: I’m sure there have been other experiences in your life where you’ve had a big problem where you regret not saying no, or standing your ground, or taken the risk of agreeing to something even when you’re uncomfortable about it. Do you remember what it feels like? Usually, that feeling of remorse, regret, etc. in pretty unbearable. There are many times I look back and really wish I had said no; some romantic, some not. And it’s always the same.

Now, as far as relationships go, I think that feeling is multiplied ten-fold. So, anyway, you didn’t ask for a definitive answer, it was more along the lines of “What should I do.” Whether he’s a good guy or not, what I would do (at this point in my life) is treat myself with respect and stand my ground. So what if it’s his birthday? Another year on this earth is not entitlement enough to make his girlfriend of three years miserable and downtrodden.

asmonet's avatar

fuck that.

gailcalled's avatar

Make sure that the third party is a choreographer.

And haven’t we seen this question and its variations before? It shows up every few months and is always URGENT!!!!!

wundayatta's avatar

@gail, don’t you remember when you were 20, and adventuresome and experimental? I don’t know about you, but when I was that age, I wanted to gather as much, preferably fun, experience as possible. Besides which, these things were all the rage in the kind of magazines that come in brown wrappers, not that I ever had a subscription to such a magazine, and even if I did, it would most certainly have been for the articles!

buster's avatar

You only live once. Have a threesome you might like it.

unsuregal's avatar

Well, I am pretty young and just starting my 20’s… but I think Im going to tell him that maybe later, but not right now. I agree with Tessa, I know my boyfriend and he is not like one of those guys who are just trying to force my hand into making things that Im not comfortable with… The reason Im considering this is to make him happy, but in no way is he telling me that he will break up with me if I dont or that he will love me more if I do, he just asked for a fantasy and I am just considering it. I’ll tell him that maybe later, at some other point in our relationship.

gailcalled's avatar

Daloon: I have had all the adventures I needed (they were moderately adventuresome but suited me and leave me with no regrets now)

Here’s a song suitable to the question. I Got it From Agnes

For explication du texte; “Those who have read their Marquis de Sade know that the “Lucky Pierre” position denotes the guy in the middle of a male threesome (remember Francois and Jacques?). The song is nevertheless hilarious.”

unsuregal's avatar

I think I will be ready for it at some point, but not right now…

wundayatta's avatar

@gail, thank you! That’s the first time I’ve actually seen Tom Lehrer. I grew up listening to him, though. Every once in a while, a bit of a lyric from one of his songs comes to mind, although none do at the moment.

scamp's avatar

I have to agree with Kevbo.

AstroChuck's avatar

Ménage à Troll?

Perchik's avatar

I really don’t understand why you’re calling her a troll. To me she’s not being a troll unless the definition of troll has changed since I last looked…

Everything here is on topic… it’s just a topic some people might not like. Not what I consider a troll.

Knotmyday's avatar

Troll-y olly oxen free!

florarigby's avatar

He presented you with the fantasy. You are not obligated to make every fantasy come true. He would never do it for you if he was uncomfortable. If you are unsure DON“T DO IT.
I was the third in a threesome with a couple and I wasn’t aloud to have sex with the guy. It left me out and she was STILL jealous. There will always be a jealous partner in the end. My boyfriend wanted to do it, we did it and HE was jealous because the girl was more into me than she was into him. Don’t do it. It isn’t worth it unless you both want it bad.

gailcalled's avatar

@Florarigby, Were you allowed to make noise?

erichw1504's avatar

Do it, then you run off with the girl.

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