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Staalesen's avatar

What is the best way to tell my significant other that I Hate on of her friends and donĀ“t want him in my house )

Asked by Staalesen (2680 points ) January 22nd, 2009

I seem to have a problem, one of my SOs friends is one of the very few persons I really, really hate. We are a very social couple and ask people over all the time, but alas one of her friends is a person I, in the correct definition of the word, hate.
Since he is a part of her network of friends he often tag along with other friends, witch in turn leaves me feeling that I either have to leave the room, since I feel the urge to actually use physical violence on the guy.
He knows my feelings about him, and still he comes, but he is an asshole so there is little I can do about him….
what dhould I do ? I do not wish to be a overcontolling jerk with my SO, but I dont want to feel excluded from my own home either…..

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15 Answers

Judi's avatar

Tell her what you just told us.

Staalesen's avatar

I have tried… but she says once I get to know this person I will like him…
things is.. i didnt…

asmonet's avatar

Then tell her you gave it a chance, you’re sorry but you still feel the same and you’d appreciate her help in maintaining a home you can both enjoy.

Staalesen's avatar

I guess so… Sorry guys… just needed to vent a bit….

asmonet's avatar

It’s cool. :)

Staalesen's avatar

Guess I just have to make her understand my deeper feelings about the matter..

tiffyandthewall's avatar

good luck. does he come over often? if not, see if your s.o. will tell you ahead of time (and try to not invite over a bunch of people you actually want to see at the same time) when this guys is likely to be tagging along with her other friends. then maybe you can use that time to hang out with some of your other friends outside the house. it’s a shitty situation, but i guess you’ll have to work out a compromise /=

TitsMcGhee's avatar

The best way to go about this is to suggest that, if she wants to see him and interact with him, you should do so in a group setting, outside of your home. That way, there are other people to interact with, and if you’re in public, you can separate yourself from him while she can hang out with him. Just make sure she knows that you gave it your best, but it just won’t work out.

Staalesen's avatar

often and often.. he lives like 100 meters away, goes to the same frat we do, he is alwaysaround somehow….

Nimis's avatar

I think it’s a little selfish for her to invite him over.
No one should have to have someone in their home
who they hate or who hate them. It’s my haven.

I understand that it’s her place too.
But I think the discomfort you feel
trumps her desire to have friends over.

I wouldn’t do this to a roommate, much less to my SO.
Unless it was contained in their own space/room.
But since you’re dating, it’s one and the same.

If she wants you to get to know him,
meet up at a bar, a restaurant or something.

dynamicduo's avatar

Relationships are all about compromise. If you have given him a chance as you say you have, then she should compromise and respect your wishes. Something like TitsMcGhee suggests is a great compromise. It is, after all, your house, and you have the right to be comfortable there of all places.

The key to this is communication though, so sit down and have a nice chat with your s.o. – one tip I give to you and many others is to phrase your thoughts and concerns as they relate to you and not how they relate to the other person. “I” phrases, not “he” phrases. “I find it hard to restrain myself when I’m around him”, not “He’s so dumb I just want to smack him in the face”. “I would like to have a home that I can relax in, and I can’t do this when he is around”, not “He’s always around here and his stupid comments make me want to leave my own house”. It’s very hard for someone to contest the way you feel, versus contesting the fact that this guy is a loudmouth/dumb/whatever. And by expressing how the situation is making you feel, you can both get to the bottom of it quickly and simply – she may not really know how irate or uncomfortable the guy makes you, so by opening her eyes to this, and presuming she cares enough to make changes to accommodate you, a good chunk of the problem is remedied off the bat.

cordovanessa's avatar

just tell them that you have tried everything and that you still cant bring yourself to like thier friend, and try to compromise like when that person is coming over then you should recieve a fair warning so that you can go somewhere else or go out or whatever or if they want to hang out with them then they go out, but your feelings should also be taken into account, and your wishes would be respected, so just talk to your SO and tell them how you feel even if you have before, and hopefully something will change, but you should really try to compromise, and work something out.

LKidKyle1985's avatar

I guess first I am wondering what kind of relationship you have with your SO, is she a gf, a wife, and what is it you hate about this guy? Is it just his personality, does he flirt with your SO. Depending on these I think there would be different appropriate approaches.

Jack79's avatar

I cannot think of a better solution than simply stating it, and you have apparently done that. Why you SO doesn’t want to listen, I cannot say. But it really is up to her.

YARNLADY's avatar

I’m wondering if this isn’t one case where you decide that it’s your home and you just aren’t going to put up with it anymore. Simply call this guy up and say “You are not welcome in my house” period. You can add “I don’t like you” if you wish.

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