General Question

BONZO's avatar

Should I be worried that my boyfriend is a pothead?

Asked by BONZO (387 points ) January 27th, 2009

We’ve been dating for about 3 months and I knew he smoked (just not everyday). He has a great steady job, and he is one of the smartest people I know. It only bothers me when it feels like he’s blowing me off to go “hang out” with his buddies, but that is rare because he is the sweetest boyfriend I’ve ever had. I am a little concerned with the future… is he always going to smoke weed? Will he grow out of it? (he is 27 by the way)

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56 Answers

El_Cadejo's avatar

Well my view may be a bit biased since im like you boyfriend :P. I dont see why the fact that he smokes weed a lot should be an issue though, i mean you said he has a steady job and is one of the smartest people you know, so hes obviously responsible about his drug use.

I wouldnt really let it bother you when he goes to smoke with his friends, its not like it happens often like you said, and us guys still need to be able to hang out with friends :).

Is he always going to smoke weed? Who knows. Some people never do, some just smoke less often, and some give it up all together. Me personally, dont see any reason for me to ever stop smoking unless i had to for an important job or something.

In conclusion no i dont think it should bother you that your boyfriend smokes weed. He clearly has his priorities set and seems to make you pretty happy. Who cares if he wants to get high in his free time. As long as it doesnt get in the way or become a problem, i wouldnt worry about it.

Vinifera7's avatar

Why don’t you smoke with him? Fyi, weed enhances sexual pleasure.

El_Cadejo's avatar

mmmm high sex=Win

aprilsimnel's avatar

Are drugs a deal breaker for you? Be honest.

It only bothers me when it feels like he’s blowing me off to go “hang out” with his buddies
How much time do you expect him to spend with you? Be honest with yourself about that.

It always comes back to what you really want and what your deal breakers are and communicating those to your partner. If, after asking yourself a few questions, these aren’t deal breakers, then let it go. As it is, it sounds like he’s a guy who likes to unwind every so often with his buddies and some pot. If he’s sweet, kind and treats you well, I personally don’t see the problem.

skfinkel's avatar

I don’t think people stop smoking weed. It’s a drug. And if they smoke it regularly, they are probably hooked. My experience with people who smoke pot is that they never do much more than they have to. It kind of takes the oomph out of them. Smart and good job really don’t have much to do with it.

madcapper's avatar

@skfinkel pot isn’t physically addicting so, yes, people do stop smoking weed. I stopped for 2 years. yes I still do it occasionally but I don’t wake up and need to smoke pot. Now cigarettes are a whole other story…

NaturalMineralWater's avatar

I have a biased opinion too because everyone I’ve known who uses pot.. especially a grown adult for pete’s sake.. has been neither intelligent nor trustworthy… but of course that’s just my experience..

ark_a_dong's avatar

@madcapper
and psychological dependence is a joke, anyways. For example: say you really like a hobby or sport, like biking, and you like the feeling it gives you afterward, the runner’s high. Chances are you’re going to keep on biking for the reason that exercise is gratifying. Pot is the same, except there is no physical activity, that part is up to the user

But for the OP’s question, no you shouldn’t be worried about your boyfriend’s pot use, and he might even decide to discontinue smoking if he does have a change in his life, like having a kid.

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

People who smoke a lot do not stop smoking weed. If this is an issue for you, it should be a deal breaker for the relationship. My husband didn’t smoke when we met, but began hanging out with an entirely different crowd than our normal friends after our daughter was born. My husband told me that if I made him choose between smoking pot (5–6 times a day) and me and the children, I could take the children and leave. I chose to put up with it for the sake of financial security.

I think people who smoke a lot think it has no impact, because they are able to hold down a job. But my experience is that there is an emotional disconnection and vacuousness that’s not readily apparent to the user, but can be a problem for those who live with them. My husband is a superficially charming person, but hell to live with. It’s hard to be trusting of someone who is not all there to connect with. I’m not sure which comes first, excessive pot smoking or narcissism. It’s hard to have trust with someone who isn’t all there.

Jack79's avatar

yes, you should be worried.

Vinifera7's avatar

@AlfredaPrufrock
They’re all there, they might just have a different perspective than you.

I can’t speak from your experience, but in mine, smoking and narcissism are not mutually exclusive.

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

It’s possible to be narcissistic and not be a pot smoker. I really question if it’s possible to be a heavy pot smoker and not be narcissistic. Most narcissists, according to my therapist, do not recognize this characteristic in themselves or think it’s a bad thing. My husband thinks he’s 100% “father of the year.” Both daughters are in counseling because of the way he “parents” or rather, doesn’t parent.

If it’s a problem for the poster, she should move on. She will not be able to change the situation, nor improve it. And trying to accept it could have emotionally devastating effects. All addictions can inflict collateral damage to people around you.

bythebay's avatar

I agree wholeheartedly with Alfreda, any addiction causes a ripple effect. I suppose I have a Q for @Bonzo. I’m assuming (which I know is dangerous)that at 27 you are looking toward your future together. Is your current lifestyle with him a future you can live with? If it’s in your dreams for the future, would you have children with him?

I often wonder with those who smoke weed regularly, how you reconcile that when you have kids? Do you stop smoking while trying to conceive; what do you do about the secondhand/contact smoke issues? As a parent who smokes weed and/or cigarettes, how would you feel about your children going down the same path? I smoked pot occasionally when I was younger (high school), but never past that point. I’m really not sitting in judgment of those who do; but I truly would like to understand. I have a synapse issue with pot & adults; for some reason I equate it with teenage behavior.

And please, all those who will leap in defense, I’m not addressing your right to choose, nor do I need a lecture on pot/vs alcohol, etc. – I’m just trying to understand.

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

And for the record, I’m not at all interested in reforming people’s choices. You are whatever you choose to be, and live with the consequences of your own actions, whatever they may be.

Bythebay, on the subject of pot smoking, my husband told my children that they should not do it, because it was against the law, but after age 21, they could choose to do whatever they wanted to do, because no one should be able to tell them what’s right or wrong.

fireside's avatar

It sounds to me that you are more concerned about the fact that he went out and spent time with his buddies instead of you.
Make sure you recognize exactly what it is about the situation that made you uncomfortable. Is it because you wanted him to spend time with you, or is it what he was doing with his friends?

bythebay's avatar

@BONZO: I think I’m also confused by your question as opposed to your reference. You call him a “pothead”; would you be comfortable/proud when asked to describe your boyfriend by saying: He’s great, responsible, smart, 6ft tall, brown hair, fun, and a total pothead?

no offense meant, pete – you’re self described!

LKidKyle1985's avatar

You know my grandma use to always tell me you are who you associate with. If being labeled a pot head because you are dating one is something that bothers you then that is def something to consider. In my experience there have been some really outstanding people who happened to smoke pot. However, the majority have been, and associated with, rather questionable characters.

GAMBIT's avatar

I have been around two types of pot smokers the ones that don’t have enough money for other drugs and the ones who can afford taking their addiction to another level.

The first group drank beer, wine and smoked cigarettes. This is all that they could afford. So this and weed became their drug of choice.

People that I met who had a larger income believed that pot wasn’t enough to satisfy their cravings so they switched over to cocaine, LSD and sometimes even Heroine. An addict is always looking for his “high” a lot of times it depends on how much money he or she is willing to spend. This is why crack did a lot of damage it was cheap.

I volunteered at a drug and alcohol treatment center for a year and most addicts stated that it was a natural progression for them, they started with little sips of beer, a drag or two of a cigarette when they were kids, Marijuana, cocaine and pills but once they are hooked and started wanting the high feeling the decision comes down to how much they can afford.

SquirrelEStuff's avatar

So is it marijuana thats the gateway drug or alcohol, tobacco, and caffeine that are the gateway drugs?

asmonet's avatar

@skfinkel: That’s incredibly misinformed.

I think a better indicator of his future behavior is his past. How long has he smoked on this level, or near it? If he’s smoked regularly for a few years, chances are it’s not going to change. If he’s going through a phase with it he might just. When I first smoked I smoked maybe once a month, when I finally got some money, I spent two months completely baked when I was 18. After that, I was kinda over it. For a while I used it to treat my panic attacks, once every 2–3 weeks. Now, I smoke maybe once every few months, socially or with music and a bubble bath as a ‘relaxation’ aid. My pothead phase lasted three months overall I’d say, it depends on the person really.

Ultimately, even if it is just a phase, it’s your choice whether or not to accept him. In my experience, despite having positive feelings toward marijuana when great guy is followed by pothead it’s not good.

Marijuana users, and potheads are not the same thing.

wundayatta's avatar

I had a friend with a pot-smoking husband. She wanted him to stop because she didn’t like him spending so much time away from her. Perhaps she also thought it was unhealthy, I don’t remember. She said that she kept on asking him, and he started spending more and more time away. Later it turned out that this was because he felt like she was nagging him all the time, and that was very unpleasant. He ran away to pot to avoid his relationships.

I know that a lot of people with a lot of hidden pain turn to pot or other substances to self-medicate. So that may also be a motivating factor. I tend to believe that if people do something in moderation, it’s fine, but once you start doing it all the time, it’s a problem, because it starts driving your life.

My feeling is that if he is unwilling to quit, you shouldn’t stay in the relationship. You will regret it, eventually.

GAMBIT's avatar

@chris6137 – Chris I think this is a good question and I think it depends on the person and why they are using. Of course there are people who don’t get addicted to other drugs but I think daloon is making a good point that a lot of people choose the substance over a relationship.

SquirrelEStuff's avatar

What exactly is so negative about marijuana??

Bill Hicks said it best, ”“They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you’re high, you can do everything you normally do, just as well. You just realize that it’s not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference.”

“If you don’t believe drugs have done good things for us, then go home and burn all your records, all your tapes, and all your CDs because every one of those artists who have made brilliant music and enhanced your lives? RrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrEAL fucking high on drugs. The Beatles were so fucking high they let Ringo sing a few songs.”

GAMBIT's avatar

@chris6137 – Hi Chris I don’t believe anyone is saying it is good or bad. It depends on how it effects a person and each person has different experiences.

cyndyh's avatar

I think it’s a good idea to look at what the concern is for you. Is it time he spends with friends instead of you -like you mentioned? Is it that you worry he’ll escalate and start doing something else? Are you worried he’ll lose motivation to do anything else besides smoking and watching reruns of Gilligan’s Island? Is he getting fatter from all the cheetos? Does it somehow seem to be taking over his life? Is he wanting to smoke it in your house or in your car? Are you afraid he’ll get caught and expect you to bail him out of jail? Is he asking you to transport anything for him?

Like fireside said, recognize exactly what the issue is for you. I think you’ll get farther if you don’t concern yourself with the pot smoking in general but only with the issue you have with it specifically. Whatever bothers you about it, you should address that specific issue with him directly. If he’s not causing a problem for you with it, then I’d leave it alone and don’t worry.

The vast majority of people I’ve known who smoked pot did not move on to other things. The phase thing asmonet describes fits in with what I’ve seen. It’s similar to having friends who maybe drink a bit too much in their young days and then get tired of it. And there’s no physical addiction, so you have less call to worry on those grounds than you would over a friend who drinks too much. Some of them stop completely and some of them decide they can do it once in a while. Most of the folks I’ve known to smoke do grow out of it or the frequency of use decreases a lot over time.

asmonet's avatar

@cyndyh: GA! I can’t even hang out with 99% of smokers I used to know anymore. I can’t stand their behavior. I know maybe two now who fit in with my usage and we’re all in college, employed, creative artsy fartsy writer types. They’re among the most interesting and motivated people I know. It really does depend on the person and their individual values.

cyndyh's avatar

@asmonet: Thank you. I hear you about it depending on the person and their values. I just don’t like people who are unwilling to do anything else while they’re smoking a lot. I feel like, “Ok, you’re doing that, and I’m gonna go do this other thing now. I’ll see you later.”

asmonet's avatar

@cyndyh: Yeah, my cousin is that jerk.

Typical Phone Conversation:
“Hey, let’s go see a movie!”
“Okay, we can go to the zoo after! Lemme just light this up.”
...Fifteen minutes later.
“Ready to go?”
“Haha, nah…I got HBO and Animal Planet, let’s stay here and eat microwave burritos and giggle uncontrollably.”
“Um, no.”

Peace the hell out.

cyndyh's avatar

Exactly. I’ve known that guy once too many times, thanks.

SquirrelEStuff's avatar

Why spend $10 to go to the movies?
Maybe it’s the weed, but Im patient enough to wait til it comes out on DVD for $1 a night.

Im still confused about what’s so bad about eating burritos and laughing uncontrollably.

asmonet's avatar

Then you’ve missed the point completely.
It had nothing to do with the merit of an afternoon of burritos and giggling by itself, which is actually a fun time on occasion.

cyndyh's avatar

Yep. It’s the never wanting to do anything else that’s the problem.

asmonet's avatar

Exactly.
He had the option of the real thing, and passed it up for a blunt, his couch, burritos and a remote, alone and dirty from not having showered in over a week.

That’s serious Life Fail.

bythebay's avatar

@chris6137: You quoted Bill Hicks; as in the comedian?

SquirrelEStuff's avatar

I know a lot of potheads. I dont know a single person that has had pot take over their life and never want to do anything else. Its a choice of a lifestyle, not a problem. I don’t always wanna go out and do the same stuff as most people. Potheads still get bored ya know. Who wants to do the same thing every day? We do have hobbies, it just might not be the same as yours. I guess they tend to be anti-capitalist, as in, not spending money.

A life fail?!?!?
Why exactly? I work. I have hobbies. I volunteer for my union. Im also a pothead. I might pass up going out sometimes because I’m high. So what? Maybe you’re not that fun of a person. Who knows?
My point is, your attitude towards pot, and many others, allows for someone like me to be arrested and labeled a criminal for something like pot, while alcohol and tobacco remain legal.

@bythebay
The one and only.

asmonet's avatar

@chris6137: That’s a joke, you spend plenty of money, just not legally. How self-centered can you be? I was referring to my cousin and his life failing. Not yours. And for the record I am pro-legalization/decriminalization. What the hell is with the attitude?

skfinkel's avatar

@asmonet @madcapper :
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying pot is addictive. Not in the way that stopping is impossible. It’s something else though. Not for the occasional smokers—but for the ones who smoke every day, like before they go to work and after they come home. That group. My personal experience with those people is that they end up not getting things done. Their lives kind of pass them by. And I believe that depression has a big part to play in all this. It’s hard and downright painful to face the big terrors of your life, and somehow being able to get through every day without having to feel that pain becomes preferable to the difficulty of facing it. In that way, it’s a drug and it makes you feel better.

Unfortunately, the only way to actually get on with one’s life is to confront and feel the wretched pain of it all—and only when you do, can you really move on from whatever is the horror of your life and get on with living. Everyday pot smokers tend not to do this, and instead feel little pain, and sit back and relax. Not a good choice for a person who likes to get out there and do something. However, I believe that each pot smoker can stop—but they have to face the music—and that takes tremendous courage.

asmonet's avatar

Never fear! Batman is here!
Who woulda thunk?

@skfinkel: Have you ever been an everyday pot smoker? In my experience, if you’re seriously depressed and smoking daily, even when you’re high you don’t feel good. In fact you feel better when you aren’t. I agree with most of what you said, but that particular bit bothers me.

El_Cadejo's avatar

@chris6137 i know right! Asmonet is such a jerk i bet she wants all of us pot smokers thrown right in jail. She’d never touch the stuff herself

i guess chris kinda proves AlfredaPrufrock point in a way. Though id still like to think that applies to some not all.

I think i point thats being missed in this discussion overall is the fact that there is a VERY big difference between smoking weed, and being a pothead. Just like theres a difference between enjoying a drink after a long day, and enjoying 12 everyday lol. I also think its possible to smoke weed everyday without it being a problem. Its like skfinkel said a problem when you start doing it before everything you do, multiple times a day, everyday. The important thing is to be able to separate serious time from fun relax time. Never smoke before work/school/anything important, only when its appropriate.(ie i like to smoke late at night before i go to bed. It helps me relax and i enjoy it(obviously) but by doing it like this, it doesnt get in the way of actually important thing in my life)

El_Cadejo's avatar

heh i like that three lines in a row start with “a ”......uhh anyway.

bythebay's avatar

@chris6137: Wasn’t Bill Hicks the same one that said ”“Hitler had the right idea, he was just an underachiever” – I’m all about you making your point, but I don’t think I’d quote someone like that. Whatever…

And uberbatman makes a great point, it would be irresponsible and dangerous to smoke before work.

asmonet's avatar

@uberbatman: Fuck damn it! I knew you were gonna link that.

Nerds!

cyndyh's avatar

@chris6137: I think you’re reading things into this discussion that aren’t there. Neither of us (asmonet and I) have an attitude toward pot that would support you getting arrested for smoking. I don’t have a problem with people smoking. I don’t even have a problem with people smoking a lot. I’m just not going to sit around waiting for someone who never wants to do anything else. Because yes I’ve known some people like that when they’re smoking a lot. Spending money or not has nothing to do with it.

@uberbatman: I only hesitate to use a term like pothead that way because I grew up all over the place. Whether it’s “pothead” or “stoner” or “smoker” or “gets high”, the term seems to vary not just with frequency or amount of weed someone smokes but also with the region. To some people “pothead” means anyone who smokes. To some it’s a person who smokes a lot. To some people “stoner” means someone who smokes a lot and to some it means the person has a certain way of dressing and smokes a lot. So when I want to talk about someone who “smokes a lot” that’s what I say. I was trying to avoid this whole semantic discussion that I’ve just started going on about here anyway. :^>

El_Cadejo's avatar

@cyndyh i agree i was kind of hesitant to use the word pothead there, but i couldnt really think of a proper parallel to alcoholic for us marijuana users. Hmmmm time to make up a word…....

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

So what differentiates problem usage/not problem usage?

Smoking 5/6 times a day every day?
Smoking 2–3 times a day every day?
Smoking once a day every day?
Smoking 2–3 times a week?
Smoking 2–3 times a month?
Smoking only when you hang out with certain friends?
Smoking alone vs. smoking with other people?
Subscribing to High Times? rollitup.org?

Or is it all the same, and all equally fine/not fine?

El_Cadejo's avatar

Im not going to put any number on how many times a day is fine or not, because its different for every person. What is more important like i said, is how the person uses it. When do they smoke? Why do they smoke? They’re much much more important than how often one smokes. There definitely is a point in where you can smoke too much though. IE smoking before work or blowing off plans to go smoke.

I cant personally speak for anyone else and how they chose to use marijuana, but for me personally i think once a day is fine. Occasionally i will smoke more than once a day depending on if i hang out with certain friends or whatever, but never really more than that. I really wouldn’t want to live my life high ALL THE TIME. Its not that fun and it would seriously get in the way. But like i said, thats up to the individual user to decide how much is right for them to still enjoy it, but not get in the way.

I dont personally see anything wrong with subscribing to either of those things, im not personally a member of either, but there is some interesting stuff to read in both of them. Look at it this way, theres people who are wine connoisseurs that taste all different kinds of wines and read magazines about wine. Would you call all of them alcoholics and think they have a problem? So why should it be any different for us that enjoy marijuana. It is a pretty amazing plant after all.

asmonet's avatar

@AlfredaPrufrock: Generally, at least in my area potheads are almost exclusively the people who if beer was substituted would be alcoholics. Being a smoker is casual, like going to a bar would be. Being a pothead, is downing a 24-pack alone watching infomercials all night. So, while it may not be universally recognized, for the purposes of this conversation, that’s what I’m going by.

Just sayin’.

cyndyh's avatar

@AlfredaPrufrock: I think the frequency is not as much an issue as other things. If you smoke everyday and don’t cause yourself problems doing it, that can be fine. I knew people who would smoke when they got off of work each night, but always went to work straight. I knew guys who smoked around 1–2 a month but they’d cut classes or be late to work when they did it. Their sense of timing just went out the window.

If someone’s smoking nightly and it’s not getting in the way of their relationships, that’s better than someone who smokes once in a while but has a screw-you attitude about the relationships when they do it. You can pretty much tell who these people are because they’ll bogart the joint. :^>

I’ve known well adjusted people who smoked with a certain set of friends, only alone, only with people, only at parties, a mix of these, etc.

I also don’t think reading material has anything to do with whether you have a problem. I can subscribe to several guitar magazines. It doesn’t mean I have a problem with the guitar. It only becomes a problem if I start spending tuition or rent on new guitars. But even if I did that, it wouldn’t mean that guitars should be illegal or that they’re bad. Guitars are still fine even if I developed a psychological addiction to them in an extreme over-the-top way.

I was just thinking about having secret stashes of guitar parts and spending all my time in an underground guitar workshop building guitar after guitar for my own personal use. Taking over the kid’s closet to hang my guitar stash in. Selling them out the back of my mini SUV on the sly. Problem? No, I don’t have a problem.

cyndyh's avatar

@uberbatman: Do you have suggestions for such a word?

asmonet's avatar

@cyndyh: Haha, good thoughts all around, you reminded me of the woman who asked if it was unhealthy that everything she has is pink. Do you remember that one?

cyndyh's avatar

Ha, I don’t remember that one. No.

I was thinking of more guitar related things all day. my husband asked me if I was “strummed out” or “strung out”, and there’s guitar paraphernalia all over the house, and I have to hear Jimi Hendrix before bed, and I could carry an emergency little hidden guitar in my purse to sneak a strum while I’m out….

helso's avatar

if your boyfriend rarely blows you off for it and treats you how you expect to be treated when he smokes it then where is there a problem?
i say you give it a try with him. you might enjoy it!
BUT dont over do it if you do.

thesparrow's avatar

I don’t mean to be sexist, but i completely don’t understand why it’s always—or most of the time—men and BOYFRIENDS who end up being the potheads. I have a BF who smokes too; not an incredible amount (i’m inclined to say he’s cut down while we’ve been together). He has his degree, very high marks, is going back to school and looks serious about life. At one point i put a lot of emphasis on the pot and was frustrated as hell, and now I am giving him a certain amount of time and I’m observing whether or not he will make efforts at further academics. I trust he will. I am a trusting, naive person. I am ALSO , however, not one of those women who will be with a guy for yrs and yrs, up until I am in my 30s, possibly still unmarried and childless, with someone who still didn’t want to grow up.

I am giving him the benefit of the doubt here.
Here’s a note: I don’t fuck around. Ladies, don’t—fuck—around. there is a difference, of course, between a guy who smokes a little bit but has a job and is serious about life, the future and marriage, and there is a difference between the real stoner type who lives just to get high. Ladies—learn to differentiate. I really hope I found the former one.

wundayatta's avatar

@thesparrow How much time do you give it before you give it up as a bad job?

thesparrow's avatar

I’m not sure, really. A year is sufficient.

Caseyeeee's avatar

I just ping ponged back and forth with my pot smoking boyfriend for 5 years.
He’s 50 years old works but has spent all his monies on pot , beer and occasional cocaine.
He says SO WHAT…...
He lives in a tiny apartment with two dogs that poop and pee all over it.
Pot is a deal breaker.
His teeth are falling out one by one because he doesn’t care about himself.
He cares more about budgeting for his pot than getting me a ring .
Most of the time if he feels his ancient truck is about to break down or his job appears shaken he pressures to move in with me…. When he’s doing ok he’s defiant about hs pot and chooses it over me… Reverses the situation by saying if I’d quit breaking up with him…....
In denial that I break up out of fear of his addiction that has stolen his life and monies. I run out of fear of him just using me so his pot life will be easier to do hence he could get things truck, toys…. He often calls momma when he runs into money troubles and she bails his eyeore ass out since he’s not man enough to manage his life!!!!
Stupid me sees the best in people always hoping hell quit but he won’t .
So I say goodbye to love…..

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