What does he want?
Asked by
sarah10 (
2
)
February 23rd, 2009
My ex fiance who left me 6 months ago after saying he did not love me enough, heard that I had moved on through friends. Knowing that, he sent me a registered letter on valentine’s day saying he loves me and misses me. When I called to talk about it, he said he did not want to get back right now and wanted me to move on and if he comes back , he comes back but he does not want to be guilty of keeping me waiting on him! He has gone on 2 dates to help himself to move on but has felt awkward and stopped it.
What does this all mean? Why sending me a letter that he loves me and misses me on Valentine’s day if he does not want us back together? Is this all game? He is in his late 30s.
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18 Answers
Here are my options:
1. He wants his cake and eat it too.
2. He’s confused.
3. He’s playing games. (how old are you two, btw?)
Forgive me for saying this but it sounds like he is saying if he can’t find anyone else and his other relationships don’t work out he will get back with you. If they do work out you wont see him around.
I am going to have to agree with GAMBIT on this one. With the limited information I have, it sounds like you are his safety net if he can’t find love anywhere else. Forget about him and move on.
mmm, cake.
In all seriousness, in a way he’s doing you a favor. This guy sounds like he’s confused and doesn’t know what he wants. Don’t wait around for people who don’t know what they want.
It doesn’t really matter what he wants. What do you want? Whatever the case may be, move on with your life.
him: can you spell P – S – Y – C – H – O ?
you: should decide if you want all this drama or not
therein lie your answers
He misses the time when he was together with you. I would say that the “he doesnt love me enough” is bull. I suspect he has other reasons which you probably need to dig out from him.
I’m going to guess that he’s confused and flailing a bit. Sometimes when you end a relationship, the ghost of that relationship stays with you. So, probably he’s not on the fence but more likely dealing with a tug of war relative to going back to what’s comfortable vs. the difficult task of moving on.
If I were you, I’d give more weight to his actions vs. his words. Also, do what is healthy for you. If you can’t deal with his mixed messages, then tell him not to contact you unless he’s serious about getting back together. If you think you can handle it, then just be a listening post while he sorts out his feelings.
I seriously doubt he is playing games, unless you know him to be that kind of person.
He’s a control freak. Next time he sends you a registered letter send it back. R-E-A-L-L-Y move on!
What @kevbo said, and Judi.
He doesn’t want to be with you, but he still has feelings and wants those feelings validated, so he’s willing to make things worse for you by talking to you about it. If he really doesn’t want to keep you from moving on, he should stop telling you that he loves you and misses you. Maybe his feelings are real, and his ambivalence is real, but what he is doing is jerking you around. I think kevbo has the right idea; this guy really shouldn’t be contacting you.
He doesn’t want to be with you, but he does take great comfort in knowing that if worst comes to worst, he always has you as a backup. Which is not in any way, shape, or form, respectful or conductive to a longlasting relationship.
He’s taking you for a ride. You can, at anytime, choose to get off the ride and not get back on. The next time he sends you a registered mail, do not accept the delivery. Do not talk to him. Cut him out of your life and go on living yours, if this is something you want.
It’s totally ironic that he says he doesn’t want you to wait for him… but his actions are in fact reinforcing this behavior from you. He is saying one thing and doing another. He does want you to wait for him. He loves knowing that you are waiting for him.
All in all though, he’s in the wrong. You do not break up with someone because you “don’t love them enough”, but continue telling them how much you love them. You also don’t break up with someone and then initiate the first contact with them to reconcile – the person chose to end the relationship, they cannot simply choose to take it back up again whenever they feel lonely. This behavior I would expect from a teenager, I certainly don’t expect nor condone it coming from a man in his late 30s.
Go find a man who’s willing to move mountains for you. Don’t settle for a man who’s love is as wishy washy as the tide.
@dynamicduo You made a good point when it comes to respect. Putting Sarah in this “backup” position shows a lack of respect for her, and it’s impossible to have a healthy relationship without respect.
I also agree with kevbo that he is torn between the comfort of an old relationship and the uncertainty of the unknown. Either way, you need to give him an ultimatim, and if he can’t make a decision, it’s time to move on.
Sort of reminds me of an old IT adage: “Always have a backup system and keep it tested.”
ugh, guys and their games! im sick of it too :(
If he us thirty years old he should know what he wants by now.
Sounds to me like he is just keeping you on the hook until “something better” comes along.
Move on….. You don’t need that kind of relationship.
a registered letter? WTF – is he from 1893? did he tell you he’d whisk you away to a fair, where these new-fangled horseless carriages would be shown?
get the dude a friggin blackberry and a pair.
move on.
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