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Knutty's avatar

How do you deal with an ex?

Asked by Knutty (51 points ) May 31st, 2009

I broke up with my ex approx 7 months ago, we’d been together just under a year (she instigated the break up – long distance relationship, struggling with lack of being able to see each other)
Shortly after we broke up i started getting calls from ‘unknown number’ (blocked) at all hours of the day and night. Caller didn’t say anything, could just hear breathing.
I had my suspicions, but didn’t know.
Weeks went by, still getting these calls. Then one night after already getting 3–4 calls from ‘unknown number’ she called – same thing, didn’t speak, just hear breathing.
Challenged her the next day – she apologised claiming she was drunk.
But this has been on going for months, and still continues.
I’ve spoken to my mobile network provider and they’ve traced calls, to… you guessed it – her phone.
Spoke to her about this – but is denying it.
I understand break ups are hard, not always easy to get over someone.
But its becoming tiresome.
I thought it she would of got bored by now.
I’m reluctant to get the police involved. As i do still care for her, and i thought it was just a phase and would ware off – but its getting beyond a joke.
Its got to the point where I’m having to take my phone off the hook each night, incase she calls, so I don’t get disturbed.
I’ve threatened her with police action; saying this is last warning, if i get another call i will go to police. But she called my bluff and calls still coming through. average 2–3 nights a week, 6–7 calls per time. hangs up seconds after i answer, and never leaves voice mail.

Apart from following through with my threat and going to the police, what else can I do?

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29 Answers

Darwin's avatar

Change your number.

_bob's avatar

Never, ever, make empty threats. Sue her ass.

Bobbydavid's avatar

Police, solicitors and the courts.
My ex is that bitter and twisted it’s the only way for me!

MrGV's avatar

Forget them and never look back. If they try to talk to you, act like that person isnt there.

Bobbydavid's avatar

Agrees with bob

PandoraBoxx's avatar

Can you have her calls blocked?

PandoraBoxx's avatar

What about an air horn or whistle into the phone?

chelseababyy's avatar

Change your number. I know it’s a lot of trouble, but it will prevent further all hours of the night phone calls if you can even call them that.

Knutty's avatar

Cant change number (without massive ball-ache) as its company phone, so its not mine to change. cant imagine company being willing to change it as it would incur publications having to be reprinted etc… as that number is used for a lot of things.
Tried getting my provider to block that number, but she uses skype as well… so v hard to block that.

like the airhorn idea! ha ha!

if i do get police involved, can i make it so they just scare her (give her slap on the wrists, so to speak) or will they have to throw the book at her?

chelseababyy's avatar

Get a restraining order, or something to prevent her from calling (if you don’t want to take it to restraining order level). Turn your phone off at night, if possible?

Let her know that the break up was instigated by her, and that you do not regret your decision considering she is being so childish.

cak's avatar

It’s no longer a phase. If you don’t want to change your number or block her, you do need to call the police. I don’t know how much the police will do – but it’s worth talking to them to see what they can do. Even if they recommend something like a restraining order – yes, even for phone calls, it’s just a piece of paper and they usually start with temporary restraining orders (TROs) it will expire on it’s own, if you don’t try to have it extended, maybe she’ll learn her lesson in that time period.

She needs to stop and to understand that this is harassment. If she does this to you, she’ll do it to others. Is there any possibility that she will escalate her actions?

ththththth's avatar

wow! So this is harrassment and also abuse you need to do something only inaction will result in this continuing. “you cannot do what you’ve always done and expect a different reult” just does not work. I know its hard but life just is that sometimes and like me with my recent break up Regrets are something that everyone has. In my case I am trying to come to accept that . . . not easy, however smile and do healthy things for you as that is also really important conterbalance you input levels perhaps take a long holiday (especially is you boss or bosses understand. Good luck.

Knutty's avatar

Thanks for all your advise and suggestions.
I think I’ll have informal chat with the police to see what they can do – and go from there.
Its a shame its come to this, I had hoped originally that we’d be able to remain friends, but that doesn’t seem possible now.
Its ironic if she’d just spoken to me, maybe we would of got back together, not now though!
I cant understand the logic – or what she expected to achieve from this!?
But she’s the one that caused all this.

cak's avatar

@Knutty – you know sometimes, life just gets to be too much for some people and they do things they wouldn’t normally do…maybe this is the case for her. I’m sorry you are on the receiving end of things.

Friendship needs to be off the table, for your sake and actually, for her sake, too. She’s not able to let go – even though she is the one the instigated this, she’s still not able to handle this, so a friendship really wouldn’t be “normal” even if you tried.

While I respect the fact you didn’t want to push things and have to take them to a higher level – for her and for you – it’s just gotta happen.

Good luck to you!

elijah's avatar

You guys were together not even a year and she’s been stalking you for almost a whole year afterwards. She’s a psycho. Stop being nice to her. I don’t understand why you are so worried about getting her in trouble when she clearly has no respect for you. Have another girl answer your phone. Seriously you need to get a restraining order. What she’s doing proves she’s mentally whacked. She’s a stalker!

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

Would you justify the cost of “losing” the company phone in order to have it replaced and be given a new phone number?

Knutty's avatar

@hungryhungryhortence I’ve done that before – genuinely, and they just courier me a new one, with same number. could you imagine the drama if every time someone broke/lost a phone they had to issue user with a new number… there’d be no numbers left :P

bonus's avatar

Change your number. This is definitely dysfunctional. @elijah is right. Avoid stalkers. Don’t provoke. Just protect yourself and just change the number. What is the big deal. Also, I don’t think the cops can do anything but get them involved. It might make you feel better to be proactive and might intimidate her. Still, to me, the cops never accomplish anything. So, why not take things into your own hands and avoid the headache and just change the number. You have nothing to lose.

cwilbur's avatar

Once you get a restraining order, the police will be able to get a warrant for access to the phone company records, which should put an end to the situation quickly.

elijah's avatar

A restraining order tells her she may not contact you in any form (email, phone, myspace, etc) and also she can’t come within X amount of distance of you or your workplace. As soon as she violates this order, say by calling and hanging up, you notify the police and she gets arrested. She won’t go to jail permanently of course (unless she has previous stalker charges) but a few hours in holding, a court date, and some fines should be enough to persuade her to grow up.

chelseababyy's avatar

@elijah True that.. That’s definitely the route I’d go if I was in that position.

Bobbydavid's avatar

It’s the only way to go.

Judi's avatar

I wonder what would happen if you had a new girlfriend and she answered the phone? 7 months is to long to be pining a 1 year relationship. If you don’t take care of this stalking now you could be in for something much worse. Call the police. They probably won’t do anything about it but if it escalates you will have documented the behavior.

FireMadeFlesh's avatar

Each night, put on a redirect to another number, such as a sex line. Preferably one that costs $5 per minute. Not sure how that would go down with company calls, but it can be done.

Otherwise I agree with the answers above, I am surprised you managed to hold out for 7 months. It is harassment, and having continued this long you need to deal with it in the strongest possible terms. If you can, never initiate communication with her either.

bonus's avatar

@elijah Again. Is right. Restraining order is the way to go. Get on it.

spresto's avatar

Tell them to fuck off.

DarkScribe's avatar

When you want a respite, divert any id suppressed callers to her own number (as long as you have a smart phone with that capability). That way she will always get a busy signal or her own voicemail greeting. Or divert it to someone who she knows but who doesn’t like her. Have fun, be creative.

I have my phone set up so that any ID suppressed number has a very distinctive ring tone, so that if I am not in the mood for secretive people I can just divert it to a spare voice mailbox with a greeting that says “Sorry, I don’t accept calls from suppressed numbers. If you really want to talk to me, call back with caller ID on”.

It works, people sometimes get peeved, but most handle it. One reason is that in my professional life I really like to know who I am talking to.

galileogirl's avatar

Most of my problems went away after his funeral, think about it<;P

Noel_S_Leitmotiv's avatar

You dont, ever.

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