Can you top this?

I figured out how to transform matter, transformed myself into a shark and, while swimming by Thailand, got eaten by this rich dude.

I feel sorry for the shark…. :-|

I’m pregnant with 12 babies, and each of them has a different father.

I accidentally the whole bottle
FUCK YEAH

I invented bacon, coffee, TV, beer, and sex.

Not in that order.

Hmmm… interestingly everyone was able to come with equally believable stories as in the main question.

I once masturbated 27 times in a day
true story, bro

I’m the shark… ha ha ha ha!!!!

NO
Bri was!

I invented the cursor and the all-pork potluck; Bill Gates stole my idea for DOS and I am now living in cognito as a shrimp boat captain somewhere in the tropics. (Burrrrp!!!)

(Truth and believability are only going to hold you back if you are going to top any of this.)

I shit diamonds, and Andre the Giant is my butler.

I am Adam Richman and I ate a bowl of FUCKING HOT RAMEN IN LA
Beat that pussies

I kill aliens and doesn’t afraid of anything.

I like cheese.
Beat that!

I’m currently playing a guy named Olivier Rochus in the Arthur Ashe Stadium at the US Open.
One set all, going to a tie-break in the third.

Edit: Leading two sets to one.

I own all the cheese in the world, and had my slaves build the Arthur Ashe Stadium out of Tillamook and Cheddar. I am an alien, afraid of everything, and I shit Top Ramen noodles and cubic zirconium.

I make sand castles on Mars.

I met the band Rise Against on a beach in Mars and we made sandcastles out of Motzarella cheese and melted chocolate ice cream, while snowboarding in a 200 degrees environment with my grandma.

I invented fasta by boiling pasta not in water, but in fanta.

You know that great smell after it has been raining? Yeah, that was me.

I don’t do anything productive or that can benefit society/mankind except argue with complete strangers over the internet about politics/things no one cares about UNTIL EVERYONE’S OPINIONS ARE THE SAME AS MINE.
hint hint

I am a Greatest Hits compilation of mental illness.
Also, if I smoke enough weed, I can devour the entire galaxy in three days.

I am God. Now, please do keep on humoring me. Or else!

Really? What are my real initials, oh?

@Piper_Brianmind…Whatever the fuck I want them to be!

@Piper_Brianmind…I’m thinking DOA.

@Piper_Brianmind…And my initials are wtf….got a clue?

…..Oh my god. HOW??? HOW DID YOU…......

@Piper_Brianmind ..See, I brought you back…you are a good sport. Try some of this killer weed….you’ll consume the galaxy in under a day.

I want suummm.

@Zuma….I’m certain @Piper_Brianmind will share with you.

Well, but has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?

It appears Satan has arrived to challenge you.

@Piper_Brianmind…I invented Satan cuz you mother fuckers don’t fear me enough. So I gave you your worst nightmare. Burn!

I am shocked that God is saying all those bad words!

@Tink1113…My humblest apologies….those words are reserved for non-believers.

@teh_kvlt_liberal – Thanks for the shout out

@whatthefluther – so when the women I was with were calling out “Oh God” they could have been calling out “oh whatthefluther” instead? How cool is that?

I top all of you! I got @whatthefluther to bluff!
Haha losers!

Who is down for penguin steaks?

nevermind…you win!

@Bri_L….Ecstacy = wtf! Good job!

@whatthefluther – Gotcher back!

I invinted weed. Yeah! that was me! I told “God WTF” to put it on earth and he did! Ha! But I was the one with the idea.

@cyndihugs Thank you!

Wow! we’re a bunch of potheads. Thanks to me! (:

lol
<<bows down to Cynthia>>
:)

I had Bendrew’s guacamole. With bacon… and pancakes!

Jealous much?

No
I don’t like guacamole :X

Blasphemy!

They’re a good band!

@elijah You think that’s bad.
Someone here doesn’t like cheesecake. X)

That would not be me. I lurve cheesecake

I once had multiple pancakes.
and I’m a guy

I once drank 8 beers
And I’m Asian

I’m Shakti, the Great Mother. :P

Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster created me.

That’s nothing, I have a robot army which is poised to destroy the earth from orbit, just as soon as Jesus gets back from a pizza run.

This one night I got bored, so I started creating alternative accounts on fluther. I created a couple of thousand accounts before I got bored and now I have to login all of them every day and discuss stuff all by myself :(

@cyndihugs….Not fair….you got me stoned before you asked me to put pot upon the earth!

Well I just want to say that I just gave birth to seven baby cows today sooo, I have the bathroom in my apartment that has the ocean in it and I practice swimming in it because I already qualified for the next Olympics sooo I’m in Italy right now.. and I am made of gingerbread soo.. and when I was born I was a cartoon and I can turn invisible soo.

There was a nuclear explosion on the western seaboard today that sank California. So, I went up into space and flew around the Earth several times at super-speed, counter to the direction of the planet’s spin, thus turning back time.

You’re welcome.

I just had sex with Megan Fox
That’s right, I got in Jennifer’s body /lame joke

I invented a time machine and moved to Braunau in Austria where I mixed mifepristone into Klara’s food all by myself.

I’m at least 4 of the fathers… :-)