General Question

intro24's avatar

How do I get my girl friends parents to let us hang out again?

Asked by intro24 (1396 points ) October 16th, 2009

Ok so I’ve been away from Fluther for awhile. Plenty of notifications to check. But it’s a great site and I’m desperate for good advice. Anyway, here’s the back story: Last Friday night I spent time with a girl I’ve been best friends with for awhile. We’ve talked every day for about three months and gotten along well. Saturday night I spent time with her again, this time more as a date. Monday night we agreed we were together as boyfriend and girlfriend. And Tuesday night her parents made us break up because they don’t allow her to date yet. If you’re wondering, she’s 13 and I’m 15.

I realize I made a couple mistakes in all this. Regardless, I now feel that we should respect her parents decision and just be friends for awhile. The only problem is that now her parents don’t want us spending time together at all. It was a bad idea for me to go against them in the first place and I’m not doing it again. But I enjoy being with her so much and I need them to allow me to see her again. They don’t really know me much at all. I want to earn their trust and respect back and in a best-case-scenerio I’d talk to them and they would allow us to see each other again. Except she doesn’t like the idea of me talking to her parents. She says “they really don’t care and they won’t like you automatically.”

Keep in mind I’m much more interested in hearing what I should do now to fix this and not so much in hearing what I did wrong. So, what should I do to earn her parents respect back and get them to let us hang out again? If you need anything clarified just ask.

Short Version: My best girl friend’s parents don’t want me and her to see each other. I need suggestions as to how I should get her parents to let us. I’m not a bad guy. I need a way to make her parents realize that though. Any idea?

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192 Answers

poofandmook's avatar

Unfortunately, the difference between 13 and 15 is actually pretty big speaking in terms of maturity, and I agree that 13 might be a hair too young to date. You may have to stick to seeing her at school or in group outings until she’s a bit older. She’s barely a teenager; I understand her parents being protective and possibly “automatically” not liking you because of your age and association with their daughter. Besides, it’s sort of new. A little patience may really help you, instead of rushing off and trying to fix it.

RareDenver's avatar

I Want to Be the Boy to Warm Your Mother’s Heart

Seriously though 15 and 13? If I had tried to date a 13 year old when I was 15 my mates would have called me a kiddy fiddler

hannahsugs's avatar

I agree with @poofandmook as far as being patient. In the mean time, in addition to seeing her at school and wherever else you and she share space, you could try and insert yourself (gently) into her life in situations where her parents will be around. Do they eat family dinner together? Get her to try to ask her parents to invite you over for dinner one night. Be gracious, and don’t try to stay for one-on-one time with the girl after, just shake mom and dad’s hands and leave. Do they go to church? Show up at services, say hi afterwards, chat for a few moments, etc. If the problem is that they don’t know and trust you, do everything you can to gently let them get to know you. If you act like a gentleman, they may come to see you as one.

But if they catch you sneaking around behind their backs even one time, it’s hopeless, so be on your best behavior for a while and see if they change. If this girl is that important to you, you should be able to wait.

intro24's avatar

I thought waiting might be a good idea. How long I’m not sure. And also, I forgot to mention but she goes to a different school. Guess that’s kind of important. That’s why I haven’t really had the opportunity yo meet the parents.

The_Compassionate_Heretic's avatar

You can earn her parents respect by honoring their wishes.
You may not think so now but 13 is too young to be dating.

asawilliams's avatar

I agree with what everyone else says. It seems like the younger you are the more dramatized everything is in your life. This may seem like a big deal at the time, but it is far from it. There are so many other girls, try not to make each relationship such a big deal, unless you are married.

DarkScribe's avatar

As the father of five daughters, I can tell you that it is unlikely that anything that you do will make them see you in a favourable light. I wouldn’t have allowed my daughters to date at that age and would regard any young guy circling one of them as a threat to her.

patg7590's avatar

does she have a best friend you can date and eventually marry?
thats what I did :] lol

Samurai's avatar

Nothing like that should be able to keep you two apart if that’s what you really want

Dawifey's avatar

prove to the parents that you really benefit her and that your a really good boyfriend

intro24's avatar

Thanks for some of the responses but right now I just want to be allowed to see her again. Not so much the dating anymore. These responses should help though so thank you all once again.

trailsillustrated's avatar

what a nice and intelligent kid you seem to be. I’d let my daughter hang with you as long as I knew you both knew it was just as friends, she was home early, and if I knew you both knew all about how to handle the sex urges thing.

DrBill's avatar

Although there is some good advise here, I would suggest one more thing, apologize to the parents, tell them you now know their limits and that you will respect them.

An apology will go a long way to healing your relationship with the parents, and that is key if you want to develop a relationship with the girl in the future.

Darwin's avatar

I agree with @DrBill – An apology may not solve your problem, but it certainly won’t hurt your case. Since she is younger and goes to a different school, how did the two of you meet? Any chance you could join her church and see her in the context of well-chaperoned church activities? That might eventually help her parents to see you as non-threatening as well as give the two of you time to be together as friends.

Janka's avatar

Why don’t you show this discussion to the girl and the parents? You seem like an intelligeng and mature kid in this. Maybe if you talked to them, explained, and asked if you could come hang around with her, just as friends, in their house when they are at home and can supervise, they will agree.

justus2's avatar

I think your biggest mistake was letting them find out you two dated, I don’t think you did anything wrong to apologize for, I think a 15 and 13yr old is cute especially if they really like each other. I would to be able to see her again though apologize to the parents and try to see if they can get to know you without her around as much and slowly see if they will let you two be friends.

poofandmook's avatar

@justus2: Some kids start experimenting with sex at 15, and 13 is barely old enough for puberty. That is not cute.

Samurai's avatar

I don’t see how its wrong in any way what so ever. a 9 year old and 15 year old could be consider too much, but two years is barely anything. It doesn’t matter if your not at the same maturity level, it just matters what you feel and what you think is right. Anyways, generally girls like dating older guys at that age. That’s what most the girls were doing when I was around 13 (yet that probably was due to the high school and the middle school being right by each other, and of course the snow).

@poofandmook I beg to differ.

derekfnord's avatar

You’re really in a tough spot, because the truth is, it’s almost certainly nothing about you personally. You ask how to make her parents realize you’re not a bad guy. But honestly, they probably don’t think you are (or maybe more accurately, they don’t care whether you are or not). It’s not about them not wanting her to date you or see a lot of you… it’s about them not wanting her to date or see a lot of any guy.

One thing that might work anyway though, if she would agree to it, would be to go to her parents and say something like, “I understand you feel like she’s too young to date, and I respect that. And because of that, I also understand why you’re not comfortable with us spending time together alone. But we really consider ourselves good friends, and would hate to lose that. Would you be willing to allow me to visit her here, under your supervision?”

If they agree, that could help on a couple of fronts. One, it would let you spend at least some time with her, even if it’s not exactly under the ideal circumstances. Two, it would give them a chance to get used to you, see that you’re a good guy, and—over time—hopefully be okay about letting you two hang out elsewhere too…

poofandmook's avatar

@Samurai: Just out of curiosity, how old are you?

Samurai's avatar

@poofandmook I am sixteen, how old are you? I have never dated anyone in a school above or below me, so don’t go comparing me to a pedophile or pervert with this guy.

poofandmook's avatar

I didn’t say he was a pedophile or a pervert, and I am not saying you are one. I am saying that at 16, it is impossible for you to see the huge difference that lies between 13 and 15.

Samurai's avatar

@poofandmook Didn’t say how old you are. Who knows, you could be some 50 year old behind the trends. Also, its not impossible at all, I don’t know where you got that from. Do you even know the age difference people of different marry at in other country’s?

DarkScribe's avatar

@Samurai Who knows, you could be some 50 year old behind the trends

Allowing a barely adolescent daughter to date what is usually a horny adolescent boy is hardly a “trend”.

(...and yes – I am in my fifties – with a damn good recollection of my teens and what I got up to with the girls who I dated.)

Samurai's avatar

@DarkScribe Should I rephrase it? I don’t agree with trends, don’t even like the word, but you still should be able to get the point. I also knew some horny girls at about 13 when I was in middle school, even this one odd 11 year old. A relationship shouldn’t be for sex in the first place, I don’t think age in a relationship should matter much, or even at all.

poofandmook's avatar

I am 26. I’m not a 50 year old behind on the “trends”. I know what I did at 15, and what most of the people I knew did at 15, and um, sorry, I wouldn’t let that near a 13 year old.

valdasta's avatar

I am not 26 nor am I in my 50’s, but I remember being 15. I couldn’t control my testicles and was given easily to obsess over any female that looked my direction.

Advice: [Good advice has already been offered] honor the parents’ wishes and stay away. You will be able to move on. Make an apology without a plea to continue seeing their daughter.

If you were interested in my daughter, she would direct you to me right away. A boy needs permission from her mother and I before pursuing her.

There are families that still operate this way

justus2's avatar

@Samurai You seem like a very smart kid. Age doesn’t matter, and I believe kids should be allowed to experiment. Not be stupid about it, but experiment and learn stuff about themselves. I think that is very cute. I know this 8 yr old girl who tells her sister she had a boyfriend who was 9, I thought that was very cute. All it is is kids who want to learn things and stuff. I have no problem with it, I just say don’t intentionally hurt anyone else and do what you got to do to survive, other than that do whatever you want to pretty much.
@poofandmook I have to tell you, I think that is very cute, :-)

Val123's avatar

Well, I wonder, at 13 and 15, exactly what does “boyfriend and girlfriend” entail?

Darwin's avatar

@Samurai – Unfortunately there are a lot of people in our town who think it is cute to see a 13 yo girl with an older boy. We also have the highest teen pregnancy rate in the nation and are currently adding a daycare to the high school. There seems to be a connection.

@Val123 – Here it generally means sex. They keep finding used condoms in the bathrooms at our local middle school.

However, my daughter wasn’t allowed to go on one-on-one dates until she was 16, and then I had to meet the boy and he had to bring her home by a specific time. She is now 17 and still not a mother.

Samurai's avatar

The average age for sexual maturity (age at which a human can reproduce), I think is for black females, which start at an average age of 13.1 years. White females I believe are average of 13.9 years. Hispanics are in between those 2. Asians usually have the oldest of all ethnic groups.

Of course, these are just averages, and in reality there are obviously some people who have extremes either one way or the other.

By saying this, 13 and 15 year old’s should be by almost any means allowed to date. Generally in most cases the female dates males older then them. Honestly, how can some people be this blind by what happens in society.

Parents should be there to support their child’s choices so they can make their decision on their own (this includes hair dye, piercings etc), how else are they going to learn about how the world works, and what to do with their life. There are also some things that parents shouldn’t allow, such as drugs and tattoos, anything that can do permanent damage to them. Yet if they also strongly feel that they should get a tattoo they will by all means get one with or without your permission.

justus2's avatar

@Samurai what drugs? marijuana is fine by me, not meth or crack or the actual bad drugs, other than that I like your answer except if my kids wanted a tattoo i would discuss with them that it is permanent and the effects of it and then let them make an educated thoughtful decision, same with sex, I actually believe that the high teenage pregnancy rate is because all parents say is ” don’t have sex” and don’t get pregnant” instead of sit down talks with the kids and explain to them everything and tell them that if they do have sex that they need to use protection so that they don;t end up with a child they can’t take care of or a disease. Go ahead and have sex, just be smart and safe about it, I believe in talking with kids about everything and hiding nothing, and no lying.

Samurai's avatar

@justus2 I suppose some drugs could be okay, it’s still up the kid whether or not their going to use them.The kid should understand how doing drugs might affect the family and themselves before they start them. Tattoos on the other hand, if that’s what the kid really wanted, it could be okay. I think the “no lying” part would be best for siblings, not the parents, but that’s just my opinion. I was simply trying to appeal to the people against 13 and 15 year old relationships.

justus2's avatar

@Samurai I think seeing as we as parents dont want our kids to lie to us we shouldn’t lie to them

Samurai's avatar

@justus2 You have to learn to lie to someone though don’t you? I don’t know why, I just feel that to be the case, but in an older society I think it was a good thing to be completely honest to your parents.

DarkScribe's avatar

I’ll just throw a cat among the pigeons.

In the greatest (or at least best known) love story of all time – Romeo and Juliet, Juliet is thirteen years old – Romeo was not much older.

JONESGH's avatar

Well at this point it doesn’t look like much advice has been given. So maybe you could ask her parents if you could hang out together at her house sometime, with their supervision and maybe once they get to know and trust you, elsewhere.

Val123's avatar

@Darwin That’s funny! My kids insist that WE have the highest pregnancy rate in the nation in this county! Yeah, my Dad wouldn’t let me get in a car with a guy until I was old enough to drive it home legally, in case I had to throw the guy out of the car! :)

poofandmook's avatar

yes, that’s EXACTLY what we need. 13 year old mothers smoking pot.

Val123's avatar

I’m coming in on the side of the parents here. Sorry Intro24. I had a similar situation when I was 15 and my BF was 17. There was an incident involving some decongentests. We got into a car wreck, the cops searched my BF, and found, gasp!, A PILL in his coat pocket!! They called a conference with my folks, told them Greg was a drug user! My Mom said, “Um. I gave Greg that decongestant about a week ago. He was sick…..” Didn’t make any difference. They pretty much had them convinced he was a druggie. (Well, we DID smoke pot!). Well, Greg truly loved me. He called my Dad (who was a BIG man, 6’4”) and asked if he could meet with him. He and Dad went off by themselves. Greg told my Dad that he loved me, and was willing to quit smoking marijuana for me. That took a LOT of guts on Greg’s part, AND we both quit smoking pot for about a year. His grades started coming up, too. (Girls, that’s how you know the guy loves you.) So, my parents lightened up, but they still watched us really carefully.
Good luck.

Darwin's avatar

@DarkScribe – And look how well that turned out.

justus2's avatar

@poofandmook I didn’t say that, I said that I believe that smoking marijuana is fine. Also I believe in not promoting them to have sex but to talk with them about it and let them know they can come to me and tell me if they want to so we can provide them with information on how to stay safe about it. That is how I believe in deleting some of the teenage pregnancy, I don’t want my children to feel scared to talk to me about anything. I want them to feel comfortable and know I am not going to freak out on them, I want an open honest relationship with them.
@Samurai
I will teach them not to lie unless it is to protect a loved one from evil like the police or sonmething, I truly believe that most cops are evil and out to screw people instead of do their job and protect us, instead they scare and intimidate people even ones who don’t do illegal stuff. I want them to know that we don’t lie to them and that we don’t want them to lie to us either. I was intimidated and harassed by cops at 12yrs old by cops about marijuana and I didn’t even know anything about it, so I am very much against them.

poofandmook's avatar

@justus2: actually, I should have clarified. My comment was directed at Samurai, in response to “The average age for sexual maturity (age at which a human can reproduce), I think is for black females, which start at an average age of 13.1 years. White females I believe are average of 13.9 years.” followed by the statement “By saying this, 13 and 15 year old’s should be by almost any means allowed to date.”

I don’t care what anybody says, just because you get your period and your reproductive organs start working (the medical definition of “sexual maturity”), doesn’t mean you’re physically ready for sex. And at 13, you are DEFINITELY not mentally prepared for it. You combine that with a horny 15 year old boy who can very likely hardly control when he ejaculates, and that is a dangerous combination. And as to being “blind about what goes on in society”... people get raped in society, people get murdered and stabbed and shot and belittled and tortured in society. Are any of those things right? No. They shouldn’t happen, but they do. Just because it happens doesn’t make it right.

intro24's avatar

Just to let everybody know I considered showing this discussion to this girls parents like a couple of you have suggested. Too bad though because some of these comments are drifting away from being appropriate or related to the main topic. Let’s keep focused if you’re going to continue to use this question to communicate. Otherwise take it somewhere else please.

Samurai's avatar

@poofandmook Does it really matter if its right or wrong? Also, I’m just trying to say, people should have the right to choose who they hang out with for better or worse.

justus2's avatar

@Samurai I agree about people having the right to choose who they hang out with, 13and 15yr old are people.

poofandmook's avatar

@Samurai: Actually, yeah it does matter if it’s right or wrong. Right and wrong make and break life, people, society, the world. My goodness you have a lot to learn.

sorry intro, the discussions in here have gotten off-track, and I’m sort of tired of listening to immature and/or irresponsible arguments. I’ll be going now.

Samurai's avatar

@poofandmook If you have a lot to learn, your heading the wrong direction. I strongly feel the need to emotionally and reasonably disagree with anything forcefully segregating people into different groups.

I would recommend that you live life a few hundred years and answering this question again, but that would just be silly right?

BBQsomeCows's avatar

> she’s 13 and I’m 15

that age spread is too wide until she’s 18

justus2's avatar

@BBQsomeCows Why?? It is 2yrs, all of a sudden when she is 18 it will be perfectly fine but not now. Doesn’t make sense

Darwin's avatar

@justus2 – Because if things go to far, the 15-yo can end up in jail.

Also, folks mature pretty fast when in their teens and two or three years can make a huge difference in their ability to function as an adult and take care of themselves.

justus2's avatar

@Darwin You must mean the 18yr old. If everything was fine though and he wasn’t going to go to jail, then nothing morally wrong with it. Only with the law. Also he can only to jail if they let people know

Samurai's avatar

@Darwin I never heard of anything about 15 year old’s going to jail for dating and having sex with a 13 year old. If the guy is 19 and the girl is 17 they are still allowed to date and have sex last I heard, depends on the state or country I suppose.

Darwin's avatar

It depends very much on the state, the country, and how angry the parents of the younger child are.

And by jail, I mean the 15 yo can be declared incorrigible and sent to Juvie, which, while not specifically “jail,” bears a strong resemblance to it.

justus2's avatar

Only if they let it be known they are together

mikkicmark's avatar

well i had that issue my parents were strict…heck i wasnt allowed to date till i turned 18…but i went behind their backs…She is younger and your older i can see where her parents might be thinking of, but try to convince her to talk to her parents…if she wants to be with you then shell make an effort and let you talk with her parents

Samurai's avatar

@justus2 That sounds just like saying; Its okay as long as they don’t catch us robbing the bank.

justus2's avatar

What they are doing isn’t intentionally hurting anyone else, robbing a bank is, that is why I don’t care if kids their ages date and stuff, it is their choice and shouldn’t allow people who would turn them in to know becasue it is none of their business.

Val123's avatar

@Samurai. Good point. But one could argue, Hmmm. How is robbing a bank intentionally hurting anybody if you don’t plan to shoot any one? I mean, she could end up pregnant, then you have a kid who’s going to be hurt, along with herself, her parents him and his parents, but hey. It wasn’t “intentional.” Could start passing around STD’s, which is about as bad as robbing a bank, IMO, but hey. It isn’t “intentional”.

@justus2 They’re not old enough to deal with the physical and emotional consequences of sex, her folks know that (although you could never convince the kids of that) and I think her folks are totally making the right decision and it is TOTALLY their business. That’s like saying, when she was a toddler, what she ate and what she did was none of their business.

In a completely different thread Asmont wrote Young people are stupid, by nature they dismiss consequences even when they are informed of dangers. I’m gonna hang that on my wall, because he is totally right. Young kids may know of the consequencs but of course the consequences don’t apply to them.

justus2's avatar

Robbing a bank not only scares people, and it hurts people by taking their money. Yes she could end up pregnant IF they have sex without protection. I think it is their business also if the girl wants it to be, if they are cool parents who just talk with her about things and explain them and they have a good open honest relationship then yes, if they are the type to freak out and say “never go around him again” or of that nature, then in order to be his friend or date him she has to keep it a secret if that is what she wants to do.

Samurai's avatar

@justus2 If you rob a bank, your only stealing from one person or organization, and as we know, all banks are evil.

Darwin's avatar

Unfortunately for your scenario, @justus2, parents are required by law to keep their minor children safe from a variety of things, including teen pregnancy, venereal diseases, AIDS, and alcohol and drug use. Being a “cool” parent in your sense doesn’t comply with what society expects parents to do.

I am afraid that with your parenting skills as displayed you may reap what you sow in spades, and that is not a good thing.

justus2's avatar

I believe I will be a great mother. I willnot be promoting the use of alcohol, drug use (although i do smoke marijuana for medical reasons) sex, getting pregnant, I will not be telling them they should do it. I do believe in an open honest relationship from parents to kids and kids to parents, kids do what they see and what their peers do. Neither I or my fiance will do anything that we don’t want our children to do, we will explain to them that it is not a thing we want them to do, but if they do here are the possible things that can happen from it, and here are the ways to protect yourself. We will be honest and be fun cool parents in the sense that we protect them and talk with them to where they should want to listen to us and take our advice because we won’t be telling them “don’t do this” “don’t do that” about things that dont make much sense so we won’t sound like idiots. I also for most things won’t say “you are not allowed to” because that a lot of times creates the well fine I am going to do it anyway mindset, I want to say I would rather you not do this (whatever it is), and here is why so that they can understand and not do it because they don’t want to anymore. None of the “because I said so” crap. I want to them to know why we say what we say.

Darwin's avatar

Good luck with that. Get back to me after you’ve raised a couple of kids and let me know how your methods have changed.

justus2's avatar

That is all you have got to say, wow I guess I did a really good job of explaining myself. I can’t wait until i am financially able to raise my children and do a lot for them and take them fun places :-) Gosh I know I am going to be such a wonderful mother!

Samurai's avatar

@justus2 Children are a bit more annoying then most things in this world.

Darwin's avatar

I have been there, done that, got the t-shirt. You haven’t. As I said, get back to me after you have actually raised children.

Your “explaining yourself” sounds like a teenager justifying why he/she doesn’t have to listen to their parents if they just don’t want to, even if they are doing truely dangerous things.

justus2's avatar

The whole you haven’t raised children yet so you can’t have an opinion that makes sense is real old. @Samurai I never said they aren’t.
My theories make sense, and my fiance who has raised children before understands pretty much all my ideas about raising children.

justus2's avatar

Like my fiance was just saying, you are the reason we have teenagers giving bj’s in school bathrooms and stuff, or at the football game and parties and stuff. Or like my friend whos mom is crazy about that stuff, in the truck her boyfriend drives around, your way of raising kids makes them hide to what comes natural, most of what I said in my long statement was what my fiance says ( who has raised kids ) and both of his girls waited until they were in sold relationships before having sex. Go figure, he is saying this, and I just happen to have found someone who shares my beliefs when it comes to children, so please don’t tell me my thoughts are wrong because I haven’t raised kids because my fiance who has shares my thoughts also, he said that at age 14 he did everything his parents always told him not to, I don’t want to raise behind my back do-ers I want to raise honest not afraid of us and our reactions kids.

justus2's avatar

The truth of it is that they don’t have to listen, unless we lock them up they have ways to do what they are going to do. Then they wil end up in jail doing things they shouldn’t because they were raised where they want to do everything behind their parent’s backs and not talk to them about what they wan to do because they are scared of their parents freaking out or something, if my daughter came to me and told me what she wanted to do if it is something I don’t like I will tell her I wold rather her not but if she is going to here is the safe way to do and how I want you to do it. Like drinking, I would much rather it be in MY house where she is safe rather than at some party when I think she is spending the night at her friend’s house.

Darwin's avatar

“you are the reason we have teenagers giving bj’s in school bathrooms”

Not at all. My kids do not do those things. We do talk to them, and they talk to us openly and honestly. However, there is still a point at which a parent must sometimes say, “Because I said no.”

Children are not fully developed emotionally or mentally and will often fail to understand the true risks of certain behaviors, while parents who are adults do understand the risks. They also understand that kids not only need behavior guidelines, they also need to know what the guidelines are in part because it means their parents want them to be safe.

And quite frankly, the kids I know who do the stuff they shouldn’t either have parents like you, who want to be a “friend” and not a parent, or they have parents that are too strict and never listen to what their kids ask or explain their reasoning.

The fact that you are responding as you do further makes my point that you are not planning to parent as an adult but as some sort of overgrown teenager.

justus2's avatar

And the “because I said no” response will be followed with why I said no, however I know that if they really want to do something they wll do it no mater what I say. I do want to be their friend, a good friend who influences them in good ways. My dad was always my best friend and took me places and my friends and we did a lot together, I turned out fine. I do plan to parent as an adult and as a kid at heart that can relate to them. I will take care of my kids, spoil them, take them places, do everything for them, and protect them, and be honest and open. I happen to be very passionate about my thoughts on this subject, have been thinking about it as long as I can remember, since I was like 5!

Darwin's avatar

As I said before, get back to me after you have actually raised some kids. Your attitudes may change greatly.

justus2's avatar

Possible only because I never like to say something is completely impossible, the probability of that is VERY VERY low!!

Darwin's avatar

Grow up a bit. You will either change or your kids will make you change.

justus2's avatar

I happen to be very grown up, just thought about this since I was like 5 and am very passionate about it and don’t want to change these thoughts becasue they are very good.

Darwin's avatar

“just thought about this since I was like 5”

“don’t want to change these thoughts becasue they are very good.”

But your thoughts are not based on the reality of what children need from their parents, nor what your specific individual children will need. Instead, they are based on what a child thinks parenting should be. Trust me, children are not “one size fits all” when it comes to being parented, and they do need rules and limits so they can internalize the ability to say no to themselves when they need to.

And if you spoil your kids, you will end up with self-centered off-spring who want you to solve all of their problems for them as long as you are alive.

Plus if you are caught letting your underage kids drink in your home you will get in trouble with the cops. Way to teach your kids to obey the law.

Samurai's avatar

Damn this topic is long. I disagree and agree with both of you.

justus2's avatar

I want my kids to base their morals on what they feel is right and wrong, not what the law says. Plus if your kids drink in YOUR home on private property under your supervision and consent then it is legal, I am against drinking except for special occasions. However it is a persons choice, I will teach them jail is a bad place and they dont want to go there so be careful. As far as spoiling them all I mean is spoil with love. I never said one size fits all, I am basing this on what I feel and needed. Also how i deal with these kids who are like our own, and waht my fiance has said about the kids he has raised. Also I have babysat quite a few times, they all love me and are very nice and respectful to me because we relate to them. How do you know what they are based on, they are based on what I feel children need and I will give them everything they need.

justus2's avatar

I will also talk with them and if they feel they need something they can explain it and I will do my best to do it for them. I will give my children the whole world and will be an excellent mom!

Samurai's avatar

@justus2 If they asked you to make weed cookies, would you make them?

justus2's avatar

would ask them why they want them, if it is because I am eating them for my medical reasons yes

justus2's avatar

I would monitor close tho. I dont do anything tho I wouldnt want them to do, and i dont eat those

Darwin's avatar

Medical reasons? And you as a parent had no idea your kids were that ill?

justus2's avatar

I do use medical marijuana, dont eat it but I was saying if I did then yes, I wont do anything I wouldnt allow them to do except drive and things they are physically unale to do like that. I am not going to try to have them do it but if they see it and want to try it I wont stop them, I would rather them do stuff in my supervision and protection than elsewhere. My 12 yr old cousin wanted to try an apple flavored alcohol drink and she asked her dad and he said yes and let her try it with him right there. She is fine and it didn’t cause problems, but when I was liike 11 or 12 I wanted to try drinking and was told no because I was too young so i went to a friends house without my parents knowing it and had a margarita. I also tried pot without them kknowing, mainly because my mom would have freaked out, not my dad as much. I had told him not too long after that and he just asked if I liked it. didnt tell my mom for a very long time.

Samurai's avatar

If your kids wanted to kill themselves would you help them in the process of doing so? I apologize for Darwin and I asking too many questions.

justus2's avatar

hell no. that is a completely different topic, that is the most selfish act a person can committ, that isnt protecting them, i am saying if they want to try somethig I want it to be in our home with our supervision so we can protect them.

justus2's avatar

I would think with such cool parents sucide is the last thing they would ever think of

Samurai's avatar

@justus2 So your saying, you’d want them to tell you that they wanted to commit seppuku in your own house, instead of doing it elsewhere without you knowing? That makes sense, but if your going to stop them, whats the point in them telling you. Drugs themselves could lead to an addiction and possibly even sooner death, which would be to the same outcome as seppuku.

For some random reason they wanted to try seppuku out.

Darwin's avatar

The desire to commit suicide has little to do with how “cool” ones parents are.

justus2's avatar

I wouldnt stop them from pot or an occasional drink, I am saying if they told me I would tell them I would rather it be in our house. I will teach them what is bad and about bad drugs. I a not stupid. I will also teach them that alcohol is bad and they will only see us drink a little on like new years or 4th of july and if they ask us about it we will explain that it isn’t good for you so that only do it to celebrate certain occasions. I will want them to tell me so I know what is going on and they know if anything ever goes wrong they can call us for help right away

It has to do with someone being depressed and hating life, we will do our best to make sure they don’t hate anything about their life

Darwin's avatar

So if going to school means your kids hate their lives you wouldn’t make them go to school?

justus2's avatar

only if I was able to homeschool, if not I would get them couseling or whatever it ook to try to make it easier on them

Samurai's avatar

@Darwin I personally wouldn’t make them go to school for that long if they truly hated it. I would suggest alternatives and have them try it out, but in the end, if there was some sort of difficulty, I would find a way to get them out of school to have them learn what they decided to learn in the way they wanted to learn it.

@justus2 Could you answer my question if its not too much to ask.

justus2's avatar

Yes I do want them to tell me what they want to do, and talk with them about everything abut what they tell me

Samurai's avatar

@justus2 Would you want them to tell you they were going to commit seppuku and do little to prevent it, or would you rather have them hide the fact and not tell you that they were going to commit seppuku?

justus2's avatar

I would rather them tell me, and I wouldnt do little to prevent it, I will protect them from bad things

Darwin's avatar

I say this about school because of my experience with my children. When my daughter is unhappy with school I am able to discuss with her what is making her unhappy and together we can create a plan for dealing with the problem.

However, my son hates not only school but also learning any of that stuff that our society and our laws say he needs to know to be a contributing citizen. The only thing he believes will make him happy is to skip school altogether, including alternative school, homeschool, and any other learning activity that interferes with his video gaming and television watching. He plans to live with me the rest of his life without ever getting a job.

In order to give him the tools he will definitely need to survive, I have to make him learn some things that he doesn’t want to learn. Later on, when he is an adult and has a decent job he might be grateful, or he might not be. However, he won’t be forty years old and living in his mom’s garage. He will be able to purchase what he needs, live in a place of his own, and do at least some of the things he loves.

Samurai's avatar

@justus2 Now lets say, instead of seppuku it’s some sort of drug, would you do the same thing? If you stopped them, the chances are higher that they wouldn’t tell you what they may plan to do later on.

justus2's avatar

That is true. That is why they will be taught real young what is good and bad and reminded of it throught out their growing up.

Darwin's avatar

And to teach them good and bad you will sometimes have to tell then “No!” So then they will say you aren’t “cool.”

justus2's avatar

THat is also why we will make sure they are never scared to tell us anything, and we will help them in any way needed

Samurai's avatar

@justus2 Seppuku isn’t considered bad, or anyways didn’t use to be.

Samurai's avatar

@justus2 I’m sure they would be scared to tell you that they plan to commit seppuku if you may or may not stop them even though that’s what they strongly would want to do. (if it wasn’t, they wouldn’t be able to do it)

justus2's avatar

Maybe not then as a ritual, it is bad if you ask me. we will tell them no when we have to, like no you are not going to drop out of school in the 7th grade, but for the most part it will not be “you are not allowed to” vs ” I dont want you to do that” and why. just like if we do something or say things that they dont like or hurts their feelings we will talk about it.

Samurai's avatar

@justus2 They may not talk to you about it if they know your going to say “no” about it.

justus2's avatar

In general they wont be scared of us though

Samurai's avatar

@justus2 Everyone’s scared of everything to an extent

Samurai's avatar

@justus2 If I was your kid, I would be afraid to tell you that I was doing drugs if you were to say that I was not aloud to use them.

justus2's avatar

I wouldnt tell them not allowed to. If it was bad drugs I would tell them iwould rather them not and why, but it wont be now allowed to because they do what they r going to do, it will be our strong beliefs on things and why tey are right or wrong.

Samurai's avatar

@justus2 I still would find it hard to tell you that I was doing drugs, even though you’d accept it as part of my lifestyle. By it being hard, I would also be scared to do so.

Val123's avatar

@justus2 OK, so you will NEVER fall back on “Because I said so!!”
Then, what would you do in this situation. It comes to light that your 15 year old daughter has met a 28 year old in another state. She wants to visit him, he’ll pay for it. You give her all of the obvious reasons why it’s not going to happen, but in the end she says (they all say) “You don’t trust me! You think I’m still a baby! If you trusted me you’d let me go.!!!”
Now, you’ve already said three times that you trust her, you don’t trust him.
So. Now what do you do. Nothing you can do or say is going to persuade them that this is not a good idea. What do you do? (BTW, been there, done that, I already know what I did. Just want to hear from you.)

justus2's avatar

would have us go with her to meet him or have him come to meet her with us tehre when they first meet and make sure it is all ok

Samurai's avatar

@justus2 What if it isn’t okay?

justus2's avatar

then I will tell her why it isn’t. We will all talk about it, as long as he seems decent and wont hurt her I would believe it is ok. My fiance is also a real good judge of character

Samurai's avatar

@justus2 What if he seemed like he would hurt her, and wasn’t decent?

I apologize again for the hard questions these people are asking, they just want to know your reasoning.

justus2's avatar

I would tell her that and if she insisted on seeing him it would be in our house with us making sure she is not getting hurt until we got to know him more and more

Val123's avatar

@justus2 ROFL!!! Um, sure. You know, criminals, especially sexual criminals can be very, very charming and even quite intelligent! And actually, I did suggest that he come visit (we couldn’t afford to travel anywhere then) but that met with a flat “No” from him, when my daughter talked with him about it….but she was still adamant, even then, that she WAS going to go. See, it wasn’t that he didn’t want to meet me, it was because….because….he was afraid that it would affect their love in a bad way. Not his fault, mine. Next step?

justus2's avatar

Tell her I am sorry but if he isn’t willing to come here first for our comfort then we can’t trust him until h does that, and that she isn’t going on our dime.

Samurai's avatar

@justus2 It’s her life is it not? Its up to her whether shes going to go or not. I will leave the obsessive rude questioning to Val.

justus2's avatar

That is why I know phyically if she had her own way she would try to run away if it was that important, but it wouldnt be supported. My fiance ran away from home when he was 14 and didnt go home until way into his adulthood

Val123's avatar

@Samurai I am just relating a real life situation I had to face at one time. I’m not making this up to be rude. Do you have any idea what you’d do in this situation?

OK. So she runs away, straight into the arms of a 28 year old sex criminal whom she knows nothing about, but who has her convinced he loves her. Do you just shrug your shoulders and say, “Well, I don’t support that!” Then walk away forever? Do you go after her? What would you do?

Samurai's avatar

@justus2 Yeah, I agree with you not supporting or supporting her whims and somewhat enforcing it.

Samurai's avatar

@Val123 I would do one of three things

1, Put her on house arrest.

2, Hire a hitman to kill her boyfriend.

3, Let her be responsible for her own actions.

Samurai's avatar

@Val123 Also, justus has been being questioned all day into different senarios and other nonsense, I would consider it a bit rude and unfair to continue.

justus2's avatar

I am saying that I would do wahtever I could to keep her safe and protect her, but if she ran away I couldnt go there to get her seeing as if I couldn’t afford a trip out with her to meet him i couldnt afford that in your situation. However I would go with ehr to meet him to begin with, I would do whatever I could to try to keep her from runing away, I am saying that if she hasher mind fully set on it and has her own ways she could find a time to run away even from the strictest of parents, my fiance did at 14.

justus2's avatar

Thank You @Samurai I dont mind answering tho because I can back up what I say about 99% of time

Val123's avatar

@Samurai LOL! OK, lets say you choose option 3. She comes home (if she comes home and doesn’t end up in a shallow unmarked grave somewhere) so she comes home pregnant and with AIDS. Do you just say, “Your own fault” and slam the door in her face? I mean, seriously! These really are the kinds of things a parent can face!
My ex husband moved 2000 miles away with my oldest daughter (not the one we’re talking about above), and with that same philosophy let her do what she wanted. She wanted to have sex, so she did. At 15 she got pregnant, and Dad sent her home to me. I now have a 14 year old grandson. My daughter has since graduated from college with a four year degree. Do you think she could have accomplished that if all I’d said was, “You’re responsible for your own actions”? Well, no. I HAD to become somewhat responsible for the road she was going to take after that.

Samurai's avatar

@Val123 For option three I would say “Your own fault” yet choose to take responsibility again as long as she wasn’t continuing to break the rules I set into play. If she died, that would be it, the path she chose in life, you can either die old or die young, die peacefully or die in pain.

You are not responsible if your son chose to go to war and died.

justus2's avatar

I will let them have sex if they want to, and will explain all the reasons from as soon as possible about protection for whenever they decide to make that decision. I willnot promote it, but I willnot tel them they are not allowed to have sex

Samurai's avatar

131 responses as of now.

Val123's avatar

@justus2 Well, duh! You did the same things I did. And of course you can’t tell them they CAN’T have sex, because you can’t stop them! But the fact remains, if they’re having sex, even protected sex, they’re liable to come home pregnant. As mine did. She knew all the facts, she used protection but shit happens. She loves her son to death, but she’s in constant, unrelenting poverty, and is constantly being hit over the head with legal crap from the father concerning the baby and has no way to fight it. (Actually, it’s not so much him as the woman he married a year ago, and who hates my daughter with a passion. She’s the initiator behind all of the frightening, heartbreaking stuff.) Our (Mine and Darwin’s) point is, it’s just a theory to you. No big deal. Just ‘splain to her and let her decide and your done. But we’ve lived through the reality, and you can’t fathom the consequences to you, to your daughter, and to your grandchild or you wouldn’t be so off-hand and casual about it.

@samurai Very cavalier of you: “You know, you’re so cavalier about the possibility of one of your kids dying ” That’s it? That’s all you think you’d feel? This tells me you don’t have the faintest idea of how, as a mother, you feel about your kids. It really is a little different than having your pet goldfish die on you.

justus2's avatar

Not just theories as I have explained, I have said my fiance has raised kids before. It is a big deal, and will take a lot of effort and stuff, but I know I will do a great job!

Samurai's avatar

@Val123 You shouldn’t miss a person because they have died, but grieve for them.

Val123's avatar

@justus2 Has he raised them through the teen years into adulthood? That’s where the going gets rough.

@Samurai Nevermind.

Samurai's avatar

@Val123 I apologize for not being able to put what I feel of death to words, but it is indeed what I feel if nothing else.

justus2's avatar

Yep. I am being sick of being just told because i personally hav not raised children that my ideas are wrong and have no meaning

justus2's avatar

@Samurai No way that if someone I love dies that I could not miss them! i would mis them very day for the rest of my life

Samurai's avatar

@justus2 I highly doubt that’s what they would want for you to do, so there shouldn’t be any reason for it.

justus2's avatar

Want me to do maybe not, be able to help missing their existence I couldn’t help. I miss my fiance when I am away from him for 12 hrs,let alone if he died I would have a very hard time and miss him every day.

Samurai's avatar

@justus2 Do their unsaid wishes mean that little to you, that you choose to defy them?

justus2's avatar

I would try my best, but deep down I would always miss my loved ones

Samurai's avatar

They should live with you in memory, not in loss.

justus2's avatar

Yea and when I remember them I would miss them, and wish they were right there with me

pinkparaluies's avatar

How? You turn 18.

Samurai's avatar

@justus2 I would say that’s grief, but who am I to say.

justus2's avatar

I just know that even today right now I am away from my fiance and I miss him right now, if he was gone for good of course i would miss him

Samurai's avatar

@justus2 Yeah. I can’t seem to miss those who are dead.

justus2's avatar

I think that is kind of sad

Samurai's avatar

Ahh, the word I was looking for was “mourn”, not “grieve”.

Samurai's avatar

@justus2 I think missing of the dead is selfish and self seeking, but that people should still mourn for them.

justus2's avatar

I dont see how it is selfish, I think if you miss someone that shows you care abou themenough to always wish they were with you

Samurai's avatar

Well, if you had a clone of them that was still alive, would you still miss the original?

justus2's avatar

yes, but the clone would help my feelings. Nothing could replace my original eric (fiance)

justus2's avatar

I asked Eric if it is selfish to miss someone if they die and he said no also, I don’t understand how it is selfish

Samurai's avatar

I think it has something to do with respect for the persons death, but everyone has there own way of dealing with death I suppose.

Val123's avatar

What is the point of mourning or grieving for someone who is dead, if not for yourself? What is there to mourn about?
And BTW, how many people do you know who have died?

Samurai's avatar

Both sets of grandparents, an uncle, and a friend from school. Not that many, but I’d still say enough. Yeah, forget that stuff I said about mourning and grieving, I was just trying to quote something from an anime that I thought I remembered.

Val123's avatar

LOL! I was gonna say, why bother even thinking about them?!

I don’t know what your relationship was with those relatives and friends…whether you were close or not (if you weren’t close or barely knew them you aren’t going to miss them)....but is there anyone whom you’re close to, such as your mother, father, a brother or a sister that you wouldn’t miss if they suddenly would never be in your life again?

Samurai's avatar

@Val123 As cruel as it may sound, if everyone I knew died, I’d feel horrible, but I would respect their death and their loss, and maybe accomplish their uncompleted goals or wishes for them, nothing more, nothing less.

Also I noticed your continually rather rude.

Val123's avatar

Why would you feel horrible? I mean, why feel anything at all? It’s only for yourself….and why would you want to accomplish anything for them? They’re DAID! They don’t care!

Samurai's avatar

@Val123 So you don’t care for or respect the dead at all? You’d be fine throwing their corpse in a well? I want to hear your opinion on this.

Val123's avatar

I respect who they were when they were alive, and that would be in my memory and I would miss that, and them. But from the things you’ve said, I ask why you would even worry about their losses? They don’t care! Why even dwell on it? Thinking about who they were and what they could have accomplished is what mourning is. And from what you say, it’s pointless to mourn, so why even think about them?

Samurai's avatar

Who are you to say the dead don’t care what happens after their death?

Val123's avatar

@Samurai Ah! I see! OK.

Samurai's avatar

Continuing to be rude still huh.

Val123's avatar

No, you’re just going around in circles!!

Samurai's avatar

You want to play a game while we’re here to pass the time?

Val123's avatar

what?

Samurai's avatar

Hmm, like one word story or something. I’ll start. Simply add one word to the sentence.

Once

Val123's avatar

Don’t

Val123's avatar

Think

Val123's avatar

Oh, alright. If it’s OK with Intro24, the OP

Samurai's avatar

Heh, okay.

Samurai's avatar

Are you checking?

Samurai's avatar

This question got way off topic already as it is.

intro24's avatar

I’m not ok with it, Val. Everyone who reads this please take a moment to look at the my question and watch as the answers become less and less relevent over time. I’m truely ashamed that this incoherent side conversation so easily takes over a disscusion like this. Seriously people, look at how long you go on about justus’ method of raising children. At this point who cares, the threads ruined but in the future consider stating a new question.

Samurai's avatar

You can always go for the question with the most responses.

#187

Val123's avatar

@intro24 Ok. I will stop! I apologize.

AnonymousWoman's avatar

If her parents are anything like mine, you’re out of luck. What they have against you isn’t necessarily YOU. It’s more likely that they view you as a “threat” to their daughter because you are interested in her. After all, you two did agree to be “boyfriend” and “girlfriend”.

Just something to consider.

BoBo1946's avatar

just be yourself…if she likes you, they probably will also!

JJcolter's avatar

wow me too dude i have this biutiful 13 year old girl as my girlfriend and sorry i know im not a good speller and stuff but whatever what dose it matter its a computer conversation if i misplell whats the point in anyone of you complaining! ok um well like i was saying se biutifull smart funny she dose not hink she is but i know she is and i just turn 15 december 3 2009 and i love this girl and well she really really reaaaallly loves me and she got caught smokeing weed aparently… and is grounded and they blame me and i dont even care much for the drug to be honest its pritty stupid after doing it and when your sober you feel… mentally challenged for at least a week like you really cant do thing you used to do but whatever um and she allso wants to have sex and i really want to wait cuz i love her so much but i want to know if shes the one i wanna save my virginity as a gift to someone i love i dont wanna go screwing ever girl i see i wanna unconrollubbly insainly fall in love with a girl and then that to happen yeah but im just like you dude im 15 with a 13 year old girl friend….wait oh shoot arrgh never mind hes 14 now her birtday was in january….. soo never mind but you and me are sorta the same and her parents dont really want me and her together and what is rong with some of you people? 2 years is not forever when i was in second grade girls were wanting to do this stuff with guys its redickulass and if you love someone you should be able to be with them im mean how do you think there parents got hooked up… boyfreind girlfriend love they probably were in a simaller simulation like you well i dont think im much help but i saw this and was kinds interested in pleasing her parents… but im still lost im just going to tel the dad i really love his daughter (cause you have to win over the dad first cause hes the hardest but yeah then the mom will come over to your side eventually) then hopfully that works because it should i know how to reach people and it dosent matter if your 50 or 15 or 16 or 18 or 26 or whatever your human you know what to do your not retarded you see thing you study them like everyone elts….yeah ok im draggin on sorry ADD but wahtever i just say you love something go for it youll be happier

intro24's avatar

I don’t know if anyone will even see this but 4 years and 3 months later and I feel the same. I love her. I tell her sometimes but she doesn’t like to hear it. And I’ve seen and spoken with her very rarely in this time but every time I do it’s so clear to me that I really truly love her. I guess it’s weird with how long it’s been but I don’t think I’ll move on. Some would say I’m acting strange especially since I was so young but that’s also what a lot of people would say love is, I like to think. Anyway, in the time I’ve fallen (hard) for one other girl. That’s been confusing for me. Plus my (former) best friend started seeing this first girl while I was away this summer and he knew how I felt about her.

Anyway, last week before I left to come back to college I showed up at her house and gave her a yellow rose . Yellow supposedly means friendship in the world of roses and I explained that to her. It could have been really weird and it kind of was but I kept my cool and it went about as well as it possibly could have. I still don’t think she’s into me at all but it ended on a good note. God, she’s beautiful. I don’t know what to do next but anything is on the table. She’s worth trying for the rest of my life, I’m pretty sure. Like my fingers tingle thinking about her and it’s sad to say I’ve done that every day for over 4 years now. It’s really so simple but the years would be worth it just to hold her in my arms… just for a few minutes. As if it doesn’t go without saying, I miss her deeply.

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