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rookling's avatar

35-year-old woman involved with 18-year-old man?

Asked by rookling (29 points ) January 9th, 2010

I am 35, albeit very youthful in face and personality. And I’ve spent the past several months exclusively, happily, and increasingly seriously in a relationship with a fella half my age. Has anyone had an experience like this that did not end badly? Or for that matter, not end? I am specifically looking for stories and advice from older women (do NOT call me a cougar, ecch) who’ve had much younger lovers, not the reverse – that is, not men re younger women. Thanks, y’all. Try not to chuck stones.

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31 Answers

ccrow's avatar

Well, I don’t have personal experience of it, but my son’s high school buddy married a woman not a whole lot younger than me; last I knew they were still together.

frdelrosario's avatar

I was 23, she was 40. That was decades ago, and we’re still good friends, so it turned out well.

LexWordsmith's avatar

Robert A. Heinlein, in the book Stranger in a Strange Land, has some comments about “line marriages” and phratries that are relevant here.

Leanne1986's avatar

My SO is almost twice my age and we have been together for 3.5 years. I wouldn’t chnge a thing and I hope we have many, many happy years to come! Good luck to you.

Sebulba's avatar

Never had an experience like this one. I am 23 now and i would not have a problem with the age of my sexual partner BUT since he is 18 don’t expect much of emotional maturity. That is why i said “sexual partner”. Sooner or later this will end i believe. The way it’ll end (good or bad) i don’t know but i can saw you this video which is based on a true story: http://www.greektube.org/content/view/51282/2/

dpworkin's avatar

When I was 17, my girlfriend was 34. We had a very nice relationship, and now that I am 60 and she is 77, we are still pals.

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

When we first met, my wife was 18 and I was 38. It’s more about who than how old. Didn’t read the last line of your question, but I don’t really see that it matters much which way around it is.

chyna's avatar

I am more attracted to younger guys than to guys my age or older. Younger guys seem to have more life in them. They want to get out and do things and don’t mind acting silly every now and then. If you are fine with it and he is fine with it, what anyone else thinks shouldn’t matter. My ex husband was 6 years younger than me. He never once said anything about me being older, so it apparently was never an issue with him.
Have the time of your life!

PandoraBoxx's avatar

I have a friend whose mother was 42 and his father 20 when they married. She had 5 children from her first marriage, and two from the second. They were married until she died at 82, and her husband was 60. She held her looks until about 70, when all of a sudden the age difference became more visually apparent. No one ever gave it a second thought. I knew them from when she was about 60 until her death, and had no idea she was 22 years older until she began to look so much older, and inquired if she was ill.

daemonelson's avatar

Try not to judge with this. Really, I know you will anyway, and possibly scream ‘rape’ loudly, but pretend not to.
I was 13 and she was 23, I was mature for my age, that’s a whole other story. It worked spectacularly well.
The issue was the age, we had no problems with it, but I really did look underage, and we couldn’t exactly tell anyone about it or go anywhere. So we maintained quite a fun open relationship, despite the secrecy, for I think 3 months.
Which, for me, at the time, was pretty good.
It ended on just about the best terms I ever have with someone. Since we both knew it really wasn’t us. Unfortunately we didn’t really maintain contact.

I’d say you’re well and truly in the clear. Lucky legal sexual relationships…
I wish you luck.

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

@LexWordsmith It was Heinlein’s “The Moon is a Harsh Mistress” (1966) where he first describes alternate marriage customs. Also the “Lazarus Long” stories and “Friday”.

filmfann's avatar

When I was 22, I had a relationship with a 40 year old woman. It did not end well, but it wasn’t because of the age gap. We just weren’t a good fit.

mammal's avatar

doubt it will last but enjoy the ride.

Russell_D_SpacePoet's avatar

It may be fun, but it’s not fair to the 18 year old. At that point in life, you are still unsure of who you really are. If you aren’t sure who you are, it’s hard to know who you what you will want in your life. Enjoy it, but don’t lead him on.

borderline_blonde's avatar

@Russell_D_SpacePoet I agree completely. I used to date older men, until each relationship ended badly because I was still figuring out who I was and what I wanted, while they were ready to pick out engagement rings and have kids.

Case in point: my aunt married a much younger man, was happily married for about ten years, until he suddenly decided that he wanted kids (something that my aunt is no longer young enough to provide for him). That marriage is officially on the rocks.

dutchbrossis's avatar

My husband is 26 years older than me. Age truly doesn’t matter.

Jeruba's avatar

If both parties are consenting adults and no longer dependent on parents for support (and hence at least somewhat concerned about parental approval), their respective ages are nobody’s business but their own.

I have seen how a relationship changes when a man of 33 and a woman of 55 become a man of 63 and a woman of 85. He is still vital and looks ten years younger; she is frail and ailing, and people take her for his mother. It takes a very strong relationship to withstand the differences that only widen with age.

dutchbrossis's avatar

@Jeruba What exactly do you mean somewhat concerned about parental approval ?

Just_Justine's avatar

whatever makes you both happy full stop

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

Fact from fiction, truth from diction. I would not let age define if you can be happy or not. I have no ideal where they get the thought that a older woman dating a younger man is a cougar. A cougar is a predatory animal. It is almost seen like older women have to stalk these younger guys down because they are desperate etc, and the guys who are younger too weak mined to understand they are being sized up, ridiculous on the highest order. I am 22 years senior to my fiancée and we get along well. I learn things from her and the generational times she has lived through as well as she from me. There is always something you can bring to the table. If you don’t mind the occasional rude chuckle heads staring because of the difference in age, I say go for it and be happy.

dpworkin's avatar

Yeah, but how is her diction? I mean, dictum. Oh, you know what I mean.

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

@Hypocrisy_Central Almost as great as her bedroom skills and there is no chart than can measure that whew! Have mercy…....

YARNLADY's avatar

I was 32 and Husband 24 when we married, 35 years ago.

Dr_Lawrence's avatar

As long as your relationship did not violate local laws when you began, then I wish you the best.

I would prefer that the younger partner be a few years older before a much older partner gets involved with them because legal adulthood does not confer adult maturity.

It is rare that an 18 year old has the life experience to keep up intellectually with someone your age. Maybe your needs and expectations are not that important to you compared with the rejuvenating thrill of a relationship with someone who was still in diapers when you were legally an adult.

It can work, but expect surprises!

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

When I first became divorced, I entered into a relationship with an 18yr old (I was 28) and we ended up living together a few years. Later on I lived several years with a man who was 12yrs younger, the best relationship I’d had- he was 23 when we met. You never know about people, they can surprise you when motivated. My current partner was a father and husband since his teens and brings experiences that exceed my own even though he is 9yrs younger, you never know until you give a person a chance to show you what their priorities, direction, passion and values are.

Jeruba's avatar

@dutchbrossis, if you are dependent on parents for support, you are bound to be at least somewhat concerned about parental approval because your parents are in a position to control your access to resources and, if you are living with them, to set household rules. Once you are on your own, you may still care about your parents’ feelings and be interested in their approval, but you have earned the right to self-determination.

dutchbrossis's avatar

@Jeruba I see now. I was asking because like I am with someone 26 years older than me and although my parents approve hypothetically if they didn’t I would tell them i am sorry i am going to be with him anyway.

I say that because once you are an adult legally you can make your own decisions and your parents should be able to give their opinion but it is up to you if you are going to listen to them or not.

LexWordsmith's avatar

This has all been very enlightening.

rookling's avatar

Thank you, everyone, for thoughtful and thought-provoking responses.

liliesndaisies's avatar

I am 31 and someone who is about 21 seems to like me.
The future is yet to unfold.

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