What can I do to get my boyfriend to act like he cares again?

It seems like you really love him so I would try to work on the relationship but it seems that he doesn’t want to try anything. You need to just come out and say it- if you don’t want to talk about things then we’re gonna have to call it quits. Let him know that you love him and you’re not liking the way things are going. As for the transfering thing, I suggest you don’t do it. It seems like he’s not too sure and he might back down on you. You don’t want to be stuck in that mess! You also seem really independent so I don’t think you’ll like him paying your rent so just don’t do it, especially for the sake of your kids!

He is definitely taking you for granted. I am inclined to say that your relationship has cooled on his side.

I don’t know why he is continuing to string you along.

I think you should try to stop the transfer, and then stop calling him or contacting him in any way.

You have to think about your children first. Having men come in and out of their lives like a revolving door is not a good thing.

I am sorry this has happened to you.

@SadandLonely Sorry to hear about your ordeal. It sounds like you need to have a face to face honest talk with him. Drive out to see him if you have to so you can figure out what to do. I hate to say it though as it sounds to me like there is another woman.

@SadandLonely, what a sad handle and sad state that you define yourself this way. If you really want to get the “upper hand” then absolutely break off all contact. Find other things with which to occupy your time. Sit down and draw up two lists. Good and bad things about him and the relationship. Be honest.
I can guarantee you that he is not worh all this anguish. when a man says something as vague as “I’ll take care of it” and refuses to discuss numbers or specifices, then just take it with a grain of salt, becausse that’s about all it’s worth.
He is stringing you along, probably because he wants to keep the possibilities open if it doesn’t work out with what’s-her-face. Yeah, I think @Cruiser is right.
Drop him like the bag of dirt that he is and save your time and affection for someone who will truly put you and your kids first.
Remember that your kids don’t need this crap, even more than you don’t need it, and they’re stuck with what ever choice you make.

Sounds to me like he’s just busy. Although, confronting him about the issues of money, housing and such is probably a good idea.

If he’s busy now, he’ll be busy later. You are chasing him because you need a lot (I am the same way). He is running away because he can’t stand having people depend on him.

These are standard patterns, built into us by our childhoods. You probably didn’t receive much love or security, and he was probably abandoned.

I don’t know the answer yet, but I’m told it is possible to turn these things into healthy relationships. This book might help.

You cannot make him do anything. Would you rather have him “act” or honestly love you?

I’m sorry that you are going through this. I’m afraid that the best thing for you to do is to let him go and find someone who really wants you and can keep his word. Take good care of yourself, ok?

Thank you everyone for your brutally honest answers.

The main problem for me now is this: I can’t sleep or eat anymore.

I don’t think there is another woman actually (yet) – he really is very busy with work – but still there is definitely something wrong. I don’t know what to do because I already have tried talking to him. I told him “please, if you don’t want me in your life anymore or to be with me, just tell me, that’s all I ask is that you tell me, don’t leave me hanging on and wondering what is going” and he said “don’t worry I’ll tell you to your face” So because he wont tell me, I can’t move on because I do love him. I need to hear him say it for some reason. As long as he doesn’t some strange kind of hope lingers there, but that hope is also hurting me.

This is destroying me. I don’t know why he did this to me. I was very honest about who I am and what kind of relationship I am looking for from the very start – so for him to play with me like this – and even worse, include my children in on the mix – seems like such a horrible and ugly thing to do and he was so caring at first. We didn’t fight, I didn’t do anything to him that should make him turn away. And I never would have ever thought to ask him to help support me (rent wise) that was his idea and something he was insisting on doing until it became a reality. I don’t understand what kind of sick game he is playing with me. Oh, I forgot to add before that he used to tell me “don’t worry, I won’t ever let anything bad happen to you or the children” and paint little pictures of what he wishes could be (supposedly) like once he talked about how if I was in his city and how our life would be – basically he made it sound like we would be living together – and then he does this? . However, when I do see him, he is always polite – never mean or unkind to me.

Part of me wants to teach him a lesson – but I don’t know how. But I know I need to get the upper hand first before I can do that.

I really didn’t need this right now. I am afraid it will make me lose my job because I can’t sleep or eat. I am trying to get over it and move on, but all I do is lay in bed awake all night and my blood pressure is so high that I have to pee every 15 minutes.

Oh and I know I can’t make him do anything…. what I meant was is there any way to change this pattern and save this relationship. I feel so alone because the same friends who urged me to “go for it” when I first met him even though I had my reservations, mainly because I don’t trust men so much after what I’ve been through, are now telling me “I should have been more careful” and that he’s not interested in me and to dump him. I don’t know what to do. I really don’t know how to handle this. I need help and I have none. I can’t afford to see a “doctor” or therapist but I feel like I am falling apart.

Right now is not the right time for this move, I don’t think. You have some things to take care of—particularly the way you relate to men in a significant relationship. It’s not about trust. I believe he has the best intentions. It’s about patterns of behavior that are the consequence of events long ago. You both would benefit from therapy. I don’t know if either of you will go. I guarantee you that if you move now, it will only make you crazier, and it will end with a lot of pain for you. Take a step back. Learn how to have a healthy relationship, and try again. Hopefully with him, but if not, there will be someone else.

As long as you feel there is an “upper hand” to be got and fear that he has it you aren’t in an equal relationship.

That would be the big red flag that would make me put all plans to uproot my children’s lives on indefinite hold.

It shouldn’t be about one upmanship, it should be about partnership and what you are describing doesn’t sounds like a partnership…on either side.

If it were me I would throttle back on all things connected to this relationship and remind myself that myself and my children had a life before this man and can have one again..if you keep your poop in a group.

The only power he is exerting over you right now…is the power you are giving him.

I know all this is easier said than done..but you have little people counting on your ability to weather this storm.

You are better off without him. You will grieve for a while but maybe there is something better waiting for you…..SMILE.

How about declaring that the two of you need to take an official break from each other to figure out what each of you really wants and needs? And then do it. Make it at least 2 weeks long, ideally more like a month. Tell him not to try to contact you during that time and that if he decides he really wants to be with you, he can show it by calling when the break is over. Clear your head, and use the time to get some perspective. If there’s an official short term break, it won’t make you crazy not to hear from him during that time and you won’t be feeling like you need to call him or try to get him to do anything. If he doesn’t call at the end of the break, you’ll know where you’re at but you’ll have cleared some mental space to deal with it.

Sounds like he’s married to his job, and you will always take second place.

One other thing. The power of an obsession over a lover can be incredibly powerful. You can find yourself doing things despite your knowledge that it is bad for you and your family. You find yourself making decisions that make no sense to you. You vow to quit and you can’t. You want the high that comes from being enmeshed with your lover. You imagine that if you are with him, your life will be perfect. He will save you. You’ll finally feel good about yourself.

I was (am?) like this. Everyone kept telling me that I had to find what I was looking for within. I tried and tried, and couldn’t do it. I won’t say I gave up, but I did make several efforts to stop doing what was bad for me. In the middle of one attempt, for no apparent reason, something changed, and my obsession no longer controlled me. This was very recent, so I don’t know if it will last. I know it will be easy to fall back into it, because it is a great high when someone new loves me. It sends me to the top of the world. Meanwhile, everything else is in danger of falling apart.

It won’t matter if I tell you not to do it, or if anyone else tells you the same. Your heart will tell you different. You’ll want to take the risk. I hope for your sake, that something will hit you as it did me, and you will find a way to put the brakes on. Just for a while. Until you can figure out what is going on inside you, and how it is ruling you.

Is it normal for a man to break up with you and not tell you that he has? That just sounds like abnormally cruel behavior and I don’t understand why he can’t just break up with me if he doesn’t want me in his life. I want to understand what it is that made him interested in the first place and made him suddenly stop appearing interested yet still claiming he is?

I don’t know that it’s “normal” but scores of books and movies ( “He’s just not that into you” being a recent example) seem to recognize it as a strategy that some men (?) use.

well i saw “he’s just not that into you” and that seemed like more of a strategy they use with someone they just met recently or dated a couple of times, not someone with whom they were in a serious relationship and whose children they were hanging out with and promising things to. Plus I asked him outright, is it over, do you want a break, because he is giving me mixed signals and then he claimed I am “very important” to him.

This is what is driving me crazy, the mixed signals. I don’t understand why he can’t be honest, especially when he promised me he would tell me to my face if that was the case.

Oh, also every time he speaks to me he calls me names (in a different language) that mean things like “my life” “my love” and Honey, baby. I don’t know why he would continue that as well when he trying to get rid of me… none of this makes sense to me.

In a different language? You may be dealing with some important cultural differences that you are unaware of.

Update – any advice – after not calling all day (and he was supposed to come see me yesterday) i see he did call me at a little before midnight – i put my cell phone away so I would not call him or do anything crazy to make the situation worse – like send him an sms saying “thanks for standing me up”. So now what should I do. If he calls again, should I answer or should i ignore it and call him back later? He often ignores my calls and returns them much later. I don’t want him to think he can keep doing this, and he doesn’t need to keep calling me if he is just stringing me alone.

along not alone :)

You seem to be losing sight that this relationship is not equal. You are considering placing yourself in a position where you and your children are partially financially dependent on this man. He can keep doing this. Work comes first. Your children are not his children.

I am playing the devil’s advocate here…

I am not planning to move anymore. That’s not the issue. The issue now is seeing if this relationship can get back on level footing – i realize it is not equal. That is why now I want to change something, but I am not quite sure how to go about doing. I can’t change his actions. I can only change mine. Number one is that I will not be going there, but aside from that, until we break up, I guess there might be some home to salvage the relationship. I guess I should try since I love him. But I don’t want to do it in a way that gives him anymore power. I want him to understand that if he continues like this he will lose me or I will not take the relationship very seriously – just like he appears not to be and that I am open to better things if they come alone because it isn’t meeting my needs. I don’t think saying this will help because i honestly think all men hear when you complain is “blah blah blah whine whine whine” and don’t take in what you’re saying so i think actions will get it across better.

You give him the power. Believe me. I know what this is like because I have been doing it for years. Inside you there is a need—probably to be completely and utterly tangled up with your love—but it won’t give you what you need. Somehow, you have to become self-sufficient with respect to your sense of self. When that happens, the power inequality will go away. You will not need to chase him.

Now, if he works on his issues, he won’t have to keep running from you.

I know I give him the power. I am trying to figure out how not to give him the power.

Now the update is, and I really could use some advice: He called last night close to midnight – after basically not bothering to call me all day and not coming to see me as he said he would. Perhaps he wanted to come at that time, I don’t know, because I didn’t answer. I am trying to win this struggle with myself so I put the phone away at around 11 so I couldn’t get my hands on it until morning. So now there is this missed call.
Should I :
a)- call him back sometime later today and not call again until he calls me back
b) – wait for him to call me a second time, not answer and then call him back later once and only once and if he doesn’t pick up not call him again
c) wait until he calls again and pick up that time – provided i hear it (right now phone is on silent anyway)
And then once I do talk to him again – whenever that may be – how should i act if he makes a comment about me not calling him for a while or not calling him back or answering his calls?
a) just act perky and say – oh sorry, i meant to call you but I was busy and i forgot
b) just say – well since i never call at the right time, I figured you would call back whenever you have time, no need to bother
c) say something about him standing me up
d) tell him that I’ve canceled the transfer request and am getting settled into my life here
e) anything else or any combination of the above

update: he just called me a second time – i didn’t answer – now what should i do? call him back or still leave it?

If I heard the phone call come in and it was a convenient time to take the call, I’d take it.

I wouldn’t “pretend” to be anything. I would be very straightforward with him. I would tell him he is sending such mixed messages that you have nixed any plans of transferring. And at this point are doubting the relationship entirely.

Where the conversation goes next, will depend on what he says. Deal in concrete issues and areas where your needs aren’t being met. All the men I know prefer not to have to be a detective about how we women are feeling. So tell him. Don’t worry about “scaring” him off, you have nothing to lose and are not giving up the “upper hand” with laying it all on the line.

You sound a bit like I used to be (still am a lot of times) where I try to see all angles. But sometimes all that does is paralyze you. Just jump in.

oh, he is an Arab, and I have heard they like playing mind games and expect (like) for women to play them in return.

He just called a third time :) seems it is some kind of game.

Games are great, except this game is involving your kids who aren’t going to understand.

That is where the line would have to be drawn if it were me.

Well I am not going to let him get too close to them or me anymore unless i see a change – what i am trying to figure out is how to bring about that change

It sounds like he’s trying to get ahold of you, and may be worried that something has happened.

I answered him the third time. He seemed a bit miffed that I hadn’t answered him. Then he said he was calling me last night because he was planning to come but because I didn’t answer he didn’t come. I told him, well sorry but I didn’t hear from you all day until that time so I went to bed. I didn’t see your call until morning. Now he is acting like – oh well my scheduled time with him is used up – f@#$ him. I am not going to ask him to come see me ever again.

As for him being worried – I don’t care, he does that to me all the time.

why do men think they have the right to get upset and interrogate their “women” when they don’t answer their calls, but they ignore “their” women’s” calls all the time

Merriment – how do you suggest drawing this line? what exactly do you mean?

@SadandLonely If you are not convinced this man sincerely loves and respects you and wants only the best for you and your children, then you know what you must do.

You must learn that you deserve better and you can’t afford to accept less than that, especially since your relationships will affect the lives of your children.

You can be without a man for now without being lonely or sad. Build on your friendships and fill you days with satisfaction and a sense of purpose. In time you will find someone worthy of your respect, trust and love. In the meantime, be the best mother you can be and enjoy your family life!

Keep us informed on your progress and look to us for support.

@Cruiser Since you’re a man, perhaps you can give advice on how to have a heart to heart with a man in a way that he will understand. What is the best way to do that – best words to use, approach to take., etc?

He feels he is under pressure doing these things for you and the kids at the same time he is also pressured with work. At the start it may seem he wanted to put up with it because he knows he was capable of making you happy but in the long run, it became an obligation that an enjoyment.

But a nice man would let you understand what he is thinking and what he is up to, he would not leave you hanging.

If he has done the same after being told of how this makes you feel, try to be independent of him. Do things on your own without having to ask him if he is going and enjoy your time without having to think of him and his feelings towards it.

That way you’d regain your trust to yourself and he will see you as someone he cannot and should not lose because most men would love an independent woman.

@liliesndaisies

He hasn’t don’t anything for me and my kids other than the trip – which was his idea and a gift, and I think he used his frequent flier miles for it. Though he is wealthy, so its not like he can’t afford it. When he flies for business he is always flying business or first class. But, no matter how rich he is I have not asked him to do anything. I pay my own bills. I buy my groceries, get my car serviced and repaired, I take care of my kids, I do everything myself – the only thing I wanted from him was some of his time – and because he acted like he wanted it – to move closer to him so the relationship could progress better. I had no plans to move there unless I could afford it myself. The promise was unnecessary as I never imagined anyone would promise such a thing, which is why I asked him more than once if he was serious. Plus, since the time he promised it he kept bringing it up – asking why i wasn’t looking harder for a job there – and as soon as i got that option to move there he just lost all interest and has made me look like a fool at work too – even though I gave him the option – only 3 days before i asked to go ahead with transfer request to back out then by again asking him if he was SURE that he was still up for that. Plus after that when I suggested places I could live there that I could afford on my own he nixed those ideas because he didn’t think they were nice enough. So I just felt like it was an excuse to keep me out of his town.

Oh, and by the way, when I went on vacation with him – part of the time he was at a conference so I was on my own with the kids. He gave me a whole bunch of money – for whatever – metro, food, even to shop if I wanted. I only used it on the bare necessities – the metro and food and returned a big wad of money to him at the end. Furthermore I had to take unpaid leave from work, so at first I told him I can’t go because I can’t afford to go without a quarter of my salary for the month – he said oh don’t worry about that – I’ll give you what you need. But after I went with him he never mentioned it again and I was too proud to, so I swallowed that loss. I am hardly some huge financial burden on him. His girlfriend before – he lived with her for 5 years took care of her and she was just using him – she left to go back to her country when he asked her to marry him. So taking care of some bitch who didn’t even love him was no problem, for him.

Now the only time I see him is basically when he comes to my house – usually very late at night because he works until 11 Pm and even into the AM – about twice a month (he also travels all the time to exhibitions etc so he is away a lot and when he gets back he has work issues piled up) – and he leaves for work early in the morning. He has one day off a week – he usually opts to go up to see his parents and brothers and sisters who live in yet another town about as far from him as I am but in the opposite direction. Sometimes he tells me he will come for dinner that evening and then spend the night with me, but he always gets held up and the dinner part gets scrapped. He did, however, spend Christmas Eve night with me and had Christmas lunch with me and the kids – but then he took off almost as soon as the meal was done.

Sorry i was not able to read all the responses above. Have you (both really talked about this?

First tell him all the nice things he has done to you. Tell him you appreciate the nice little gestures he has said and done.Start with i like…i appreciate…i adore…i love…

Next proceed to telling him what you want him to improve on. Start with i would like you to…i would appreciate it if…

But make sure you talk to him when he is not busy. So you would need to ask for some important hours of his time so you could talk. When you talk to him, try not to be emotional.

This might get you impatient with it as it takes a long time but you would want to make this work. And the only way you can see it is going to work is when you try to open up what you have inside of you.

And TAKE NOTE of his reactions and his tone when he speaks. Does he respect your opinion? if he does not, you know it’s the end.

Does he comfort you and try to make it up? you know it’s a sign it might work.

@liliesndaisies thanks – don’t really know what to do. Feeling kind of hopeless really. I was looking forward to moving there (even if at my own expense) as a chance to be closer to him so we can spend more quality time together – but now I just don’t really look forward to anything in the relationship, though I do still love him. I just don’t see how his feelings for me can ever grow when there is so little interaction between us. I’m not good at ending things – especially if the other person acts at all hurt or wounded.

The fact that you are thinking of making it work is an act of bravery.
But i would not suggest moving there to get closer to him. Make him do his job as the man. A real man who is inlove would be the one to do that for you. He would choose you above everything. Because you are part of his life. And he cannot afford to lose his life.

So hang in there and try to do the above i suggested.

Make him go to you and not the other way around. He is used to be pampered. Sometimes it is good to remind him that you are too special to take for granted.

Remember, you are special. You are a woman. You deserve love and attention. And deserve more than this.

hugs

@liliesndaisies How do I remind him of this without sounding whiny?

Try not to be emotional. Try not to cry or you will lose his concentration on fixing this matter. Guys usually don’t like to see tears. Also tears show helplessness.

Ask something like ‘is this something normal for you?’

‘please give me heads up if you are not coming so i could do something else worthwhile’.

Try not ask him where he has been. The more you look for him, they more he’d like to spend time away from you. If you can afford it financially and time will allow it, get some time away with your kids. Spend time alone with them and try not to answer any calls from him. Those are subtle ways you tell him your world will continue with or without him.

Step back and think for a moment. Regardless of how you feel about him, do you really think you could live with the way he’s treating you in this relationship for a prolonged period?

To me, he sounds like a controlling person. Arab cultures are male centered, and that is his normative. It does not sound like you would have a voice in this relationship.

I think what you need right now is to step back and take some time to breath and find your center again.

Some pieces of concrete advice:

First of all, and most importantly, if you depend on him to make the transfer happen, and you still can cancel it, you need to cancel it now. You cannot depend on him. It is possible he really means it and it is possible it would work out fine, but as you do not know it, the way he is behaving (saying one thing and doing another) in little things means you absolutely cannot trust yours and your children’s living on him behaving in another way in a big one. If you cannot cancel, you need a plan B for how to support yourself in the new city (relatives you can go to or any assets you can turn into money if bad comes to worse?)

Second, you are worked up and upset to the point of not sleeping and not eating. You cannot solve any emotional issue while you are like this. Especially, you should not try and move on with a relationship before you are calmer and feel better. This also means you should not try and move at this point. You need to take a time out – either with still in the relationship, but not expecting anything from him except that he comes when he comes and if he doesn’t, his loss, or truly take a time out. If the relationship is for real, it will survive that. If it is not, it is better it doesn’t.

It is not your job to “make him care” or “remind him” of anything. You can tell him, honestly and frankly, what you’d like (“you know, I think I would really enjoy it if…” or “it makes me sad that…”), but it is his call what he does with that information. If he is not willing or able to do things that are essential for you, it is then your call to either stay in an suboptimal situation, or to leave, but that’s all you should, in my opinion, do about it. Trying to manipulate him or pretend something to trick him or to show him or to get at him won’t, in the long term, make either of you happier.

But now, like @PandoraBoxx says, step back, take your time, and think.

Why do you love him?

@wundayatta because of the side of him I saw at the beginning. He is very intelligent. He is (or was) thoughtful, he was kind, reasonable, polite, when i spent time with him i really enjoyed myself. I find him attractive too.

No one has ever treated me well before, and at least at first he did that, I don’t know what is going on with him now – this is why it hurts so much because he was everything I could have asked for. But maybe it wasn’t real, I don’t know what to say am very confused by it all. Like I said when I try to talk to him about he just keeps saying that he is just really busy with work and I believed that until this incident about relocating since that has nothing to do with work and seems to fit into my theory better, that he is not interested anymore.

On the other hand though, if he isn’t interested, why did he get upset just because I didn’t answer his call last night or his first call this morning? Nothing he is doing makes sense to me.

That is sad, i don’t want to think he sees you as a booty call.

@SadandLonely I urge you again to read that book I told you about above. It’s not that he doesn’t care. It’s a pattern of behavior that is subconscious. You know your pattern of choosing the wrong guys. That’s also a predictable pattern. He has one, too. If you learn about these patterns, you can do something about them. Otherwise you will be acting out versions of the same script over and over.

He does love you. Subconsciously he is afraid that you will abandon him. So he withdraws preemptively, hiding in his work, or in some other addiction (probably work). If you learn more about these patterns, I’m sure you’ll have a better idea of what to do. Meanwhile, I’m not sure playing games (not taking his calls) will help. If he isn’t aware of how he’s hurting you, he won’t notice your attempts to teach him a lesson.

@SadandLonely : People can sometimes be upset that you do not want to be with them even when they do not want to be with you. To not be liked or wanted is always an insult to the ego, even when you do not even like the person yourself! So even if he wants to leave you, he might want it to happen in a way that lets him imagine you will miss him, because that will make himself feel wanted.

@Janka @wundayatta @liliesndaisies well he called me last night – the usual names to0 “honey, sweet heart, my life (in Arabic)” but today he is back to ignoring pattern – and today is his day off – he is at his parents’ place. If he didn’t “like” me I don’t know why he bothers to call me and call me “sweet names” Oh and he asked how I am doing health-wise – was sick last week and I told him I’m fine just having a prob with my eye (had surgery on it and it is bothering me again) and he asked me why I didn’t go to the doctor and I said well because it is in another city and i can’t drive that far with my eye like this. then he told me to make an appointment and he would come and take me. But the thing is, I don’t know whether to believe him or not. Am sick of him saying things he doesn’t mean.

I do need someone to take me there, but I don’t want to ask him or rely on him for anything – i am betting that if I make that appointment – come appointment day he will stand me up completely. I don’t need fake concern and promises.

@Janka – so then it would be good to at least not give him that satisfaction – because if he is doing that, then he is trying to hurt me (in a way) and trying to play games. And if he is not trying to play games, well then maybe hearing less from me – me not answering him every time he calls – will be a wake up call, that if he doesn’t put in the effort, he won’t get what he wants either.

oh, he is in the process of hiring a friend of mine, so i also find it weird that he would hire him and be planning to dump me at the same time – though i haven’t told my friend that he is my Boyfriend – just told him that I know him. But having one of his employees know me and be planning to hurt me, well that could lead to a potentially embarrassing situation for him. As they say, Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned so he doesn’t know for sure how i will react, what i might tell my friend after that and what my friend that might tell fellow coworkers…

AND recently i told him that the way he is acting is sending me the signal that he is not interested anymore and he said well then there is something wrong with your signal reading machine… so why does he keep denying it? I still feel he is not interested but his denials confuse me.

”@Janka – so then it would be good to at least not give him that satisfaction – because if he is doing that, then he is trying to hurt me (in a way) and trying to play games.” If that is it, maybe.

I think you need to think what you want to do. It is obvious what he is doing is hurting you, and that he has not changed it regardless of you informing him that it does. Are you willing to continue putting up with it?

I think you would need to do things and not wait for anyone to take you to any place. If he asks why you went without him tell him ‘that’s okay, you’ve been busy, i can’t wait next year’. And do not include him in your plans. Do not tell him where you are going.

But you know, he obviously knows he is hurting you and I think he is playing mind games.

How long would you still want this to go on?

@liliesndaisies I can’t take myself to the eye doctor because well – the problem is my eye – it’s really not safe for me to drive like this. And the doctor will put the medication in that dilates the pupils and further obscure my vision, so even I could make it there, getting back would be impossible. At the same time, I don’t want to rely on him for anything. I will see if one of my friends can take me – but I don’t like to ask anyone for anything and I can’t think of anyone who would be able to – that is why I haven’t gone to the eye doctor yet – when I should have.done so a while back. This is why his offering things that he doesn’t mean really upsets me, no one asked him in the first place. I don’t offer things I can’t or don’t want to do, why should he? I think you’re right though about what I should do. It’s just really hard for me, I am feeling very depressed at the moment.
@Janka I don’t want to continue putting up with it, but that is easier said than done – for me at least. I love him, it’s hard for me just to forget and not feel awful at the same time, so awful in fact that it is hard for me to function. I think I have some kind of OCD that is thought related – I don’t know how to explain it, but it is very hard for me to shake sad thoughts once they hit me, instead they magnify and a feeling of complete hopelessness builds up and makes me feel terrible. My brother has severe compulsive disorders to the point of not being able to function normally. I am afraid that this stress is pushing me over some kind of edge. I’ve never felt this bad before, but maybe everything is just coming to a head now. I have been through some extremely difficult and painful things in my life and I have survived them somehow, but I sometimes think they have left a lot more damage than i realized and now it is just beginning to show. Since he started doing this I still manage to act “normal” in front of him, but on my own I am a wreck. Would love to get some “help” but here it is almost impossible to find and costs way more than I can afford.

Shedding sad thoughts and finding it hard to not feel awful for a relationship going bad are hard for anyone. My sympathies.

If you really feel you are developing some sort of mental health problem over this, please, please seek professional help. You have children to think about.

I’m sorry you may not like what I am about to say but I think you are still doing the subtle chasing here. You know he forgets the promises he tells you. He offers it because maybe he likes you to be happy for the moment, he likes to tell you things you want to hear. But deep inside, he is not really thinking about it.

It is better to ask someone else than have this man offer when he does not really mean it. Helplessness is another relationship breaker. It maybe good at first to feel needed but then if things are always a responsibility, it is a torture.

I agree with Janka above. Think about the children.

I don’t act helpless. I haven’t asked him for anything and I’m not planning to. I only brought up that thing he offered because ME moving to his city was HIS idea and he was trying to use that lure me there, how and when it changed in his mind, I don’t know. I don’t need to move there. I have a job, a place, and a life here that he does not fund in any way. The reason I mentioned the thing about the rent is that what his change of mind means – that is what concerning me, not the withdrawal of the offer itself since my life goes on here with or without him. And if i REALLY wanted to i could move there and live in one of those locations he turned his nose up on, if he isn’t planning to be a part of my life, it doesn’t matter if he approves of my location or not. I want to understand what is going on with him.

Last time i spoke to him he launched into something about how his dad was mad at him, i just listened. There wasn’t much else i could do. I don’t know if that means anything, that he would tell me this or not. The day before he seemed upset and then started talking about how his employees had really made a mess of something big at work and he was upset about it… all of this was unprompted he just spilled it – again I have no idea if that does / or should mean anything about our relationship

“I don’t know if that means anything, that he would tell me this or not.” You need to stop trying to interpret everything he does or says as “meaning” something different than what you know of his actions. No, that he occasionally says nice things to you or vents at you does not mean it is not true that he does not keep his promises.

I know that, i am wondering more about what he feels.

It’s best to take care of YOU.

I understand and appreciate everything that everyone is saying. I am just trying to figure out if the problem is more in my head than it is in reality – I mean maybe I am making more of the situation than needs to be, I don’t know. I can overreact. For sure he isn’t as attentive as he used to be, that much I am not imagining, but given his extremely busy schedule, maybe I am interpreting it to mean more than it does. However, the offer that he retracted does bother me,but there might be some good reason (financial) behind it.

I have not been calling him very much lately. Yesterday, I called him and he didn’t answer and I did not hear from him, until quite late. I had gone to the mall and some creeps had followed my car home and were parked outside of my house. I waited a while, but they just sat there and I couldn’t sleep knowing they were there since I don’t have the most secure house, so I sent him a text message telling him what the scenario was and asked what he advised me to do (this is his country, not mine so there is a good reason for me to ask his advice in certain situations) he called me immediately, and told me what to do, and after they left, told me if they come back to let him know and what else to do. I asked him why the hell they would follow me like that, and he said people here do that kind of thing a lot, especially in the town I am living in. Then I asked him, but what do they want? He said “probably they saw you are beautiful and they want to try to talk to you” Anyway, the fact the he responded immediately would seem he cares still a bit at least and is not planning to duck out of my life just yet, as would the fact that he told me to tell him immediately if the person following me returned. After the guys went away he was telling me about his day and how his mother, three sisters and one of his brothers had all come for a visit and were driving him crazy. So I am going to try to give him he benefit of the doubt here, and believe that he is just incredibly busy and because of this is perhaps taking the relationship for granted a bit. I know he knows how I feel about him, and is comfortable with that. He has people and work pulling him in all directions, I don’t want to add to that. So I guess I would like to know how to behave with him so that I don’t put more pressure on him or become one of the forces pulling him, but at the same time I don’t want to kill off the relationship entirely. I am trying not to call him or try to contact him too much, but then I worry that maybe he will interpret it differently and think I am deliberately neglecting him! I don’t know… I would like to achieve the right balance here.