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Siblinings's avatar

How to stop being stood up.

Asked by Siblinings (136 points ) February 19th, 2010

I’m gay and the guy other guy is not out and is slightly paranoid about people knowing.

He asked me for my number and txts me, calls me, IM’s me, when I’m where he is he’ll leave his friends and spend time with me.
But when it comes to meeting up he keeps saying yes, no, yes. I want to make it work but he’s scared people may see us. His parents are Muslim and are homophobic.

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33 Answers

ChaosCross's avatar

Are you asking for advice or making a statement?

Please be a bit more clear.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

He seems like more trouble than it’s worth.You can’t count on him to keep his word.

Siblinings's avatar

@ChaosCross
Well yes I want advice.

@lucillelucillelucille
I was thinking on saying next time he makes some sort of arrangement “Look this is it, if you don’t turn up this time there is no next time, we should just go on our way a meet other people.” or something like that.

TheJoker's avatar

Honestly, I dont think there is anything you can actually do. The issues are his & they’re not really something you can involve yourself in without dropping him in it.
Perhaps if the two of you could go away for a weekend together… maybe use a sporting event or some such thing as cover.

ChaosCross's avatar

Right, @TheJoker I would agree. If you were wanting to straighten out any relationship you would need to go and take the initiative to get the person alone.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

@Siblinings -That might work.Good luck :)

Nullo's avatar

For the record: Nobody is afraid of gay people. Calling an ideological opposition to homosexuality a phobia belittles actual phobias.
It’s also a manipulation tactic: get enough people thinking that your opponent is mentally ill, and he will be marginalized.

Siblinings's avatar

@Nullo
It’s just a word not many people think it means scared of. Dam can’t down vote!

TheJoker's avatar

@Nullo Obviously I cant prove it one way or the other, but I have to disagree. Whilst I concede the use of the term ‘phobic’ is inappropriate, I do believe most people’s ‘concerns’ over homosexuality is directly a result of their personal fears.

Siblinings's avatar

@Nullo
“It’s also a manipulation tactic: get enough people thinking that your opponent is mentally ill, and he will be marginalized.”
I just don’t get where your coming from, I don’t think this is true but even if it was that’s a good thing. People shouldn’t be anti-homosexual or however you want to work it?

TheJoker's avatar

@Siblinings Excellent point about the mental health aspect. Homosexuality has been classified as both a crime, & a mental illness over the years… & as we are all aware it takes generations for human attitudes to change. By default this means that some of these beliefs will still exist today.

Nullo's avatar

@Siblinings
Your face can’t downvote. >:(
Since you asked, I’m coming from the camp that says, “zomg, homosexuality is a disorder.” that has as one of its main rules that one shouldn’t be mean about disorders.
In any case, ridiculing someone into a corner for thinking a certain way is most certainly not a good thing; just another kind of discrimination.

@TheJoker
Proof is a slippery little guy in the realm of the mind, but perhaps you can give some examples?

TheJoker's avatar

@Nullo It certainly is… pretty much everything I’ve learned, being a part of the trade, leads me to believe it’s mostly a matter of opinion rather than facts. Proof, no, nothing quantifiable. Certainly I could provide some anecdotal evidence, but that doesn’t really constitute proof, just that fear is the basis of most negative emotions & actions by humans.

Nullo's avatar

@TheJoker
Can you link fear and revulsion?

TheJoker's avatar

@Nullo There are well documented links between fear & anger… can you define revulsion for me?

Janka's avatar

We are sort of drifting off-topic, maybe someone could make a separate discussion about how much of anti-homosexualism is about fear etc.

To the OP: the situation where you are out and your partner isn’t must be really hard for both of you! I tried to think of some advice to give but to be honest, I could not come up with anything that in the long run could make sort of arrangement really work. :( I guess the question becomes, how likely is he to come out eventually if you stick to him and try to be supportive?

Cruiser's avatar

The guy is obviously scared of others finding out he might have an interest in you!! Either respect his concerns or go find another guy!

TheJoker's avatar

@Janka Good point…

ucme's avatar

Get really really drunk. You’ll fall down in no time.

mzehnich's avatar

Hm, I was coming in here expecting to agree with @lucillelucillelucille ‘s response – tell them straight up or drop the relationship.

However, it sounds like he is going through hard times. Depending on how long you’ve known or been going out with him, and how much you care about him, it may be good of you to help him through this problem (especially as it would mean you getting to spend more time with him). It is hard to say for sure though, there are a heck of a lot of variables at play here.

Siblinings's avatar

@mzehnich
We took physics together. We had no idea the other one was gay, I was on a gay website and a guy who lives 7 miles away messaged me saying do you have MSN, we added each other and started talking he just came out to me on MSN on day, I was so pleased.

I never really talked to him in physics much and wouldn’t know if we both liked each other, so we have only started meeting up and chatting to each other for a few weeks.
We have hit it off talking to each other and he shows a very keen interested in me, but he says he doesn’t want to come out, I remember that and it’s hard.
I just want him to get over feeling strange meeting a guy and getting to know each other better. meh

TheJoker's avatar

@Siblinings I think you just need to give him time to get used to the idea. Anything we do for the first time feels unusual, & if as you say, his family are Muslim & homophibic, he’s going to feel very conflicted….. incidently, you’re not in Eastenders are you?

Siblinings's avatar

@TheJoker
lol.
Yes I’m going to give him some room.

Silhouette's avatar

It sounds like he has his reasons and it also seems like you think they are valid so continue to put up with it until you no longer feel this way. He’ll either get more comfortable and start showing up more often or you’ll get tired of waiting and you can kick him to the curb.

jo_with_no_space's avatar

I think there is a point in these situations where you have to take control. If he keeps repeatedly letting you down, you can choose to just suck it up or not bother with him anymore. Obviously he has worries related to his family and that’s a shame, but you can still take an interest in yourself, you don’t have to repeatedly entertain his whims and moods.

Only you know when this time will come, if it will come at all for you. I have seen a smiliar thing playing out a thousand times over with my gay friends and their paramours. Maybe your guy will engage with you a bit more, and that would be great. But you can’t count on that. Make contingency plans to cover your own back in the absence of him having any consideration for you. You don’t want to get into a pattern.

Siblinings's avatar

@jo_with_no_space
“Make contingency plans to cover your own back in the absence of him” That sounds good enough.

jo_with_no_space's avatar

@Siblinings Good! Glad to have helped. Good luck. Stay strong.

Haleth's avatar

@Siblinings He’s going through a really rough time right now and probably needs a friend. You can still be there for him without dating him, because it sounds like he isn’t ready to have a relationship yet. It’s really hard to date someone who isn’t reliable. Probably the best thing that both of you could do is just be friends right now. You’re one of the few people who knows that he’s gay, so you should keep his secret and talk to him if it seems like he’s having a tough time. He seems to really want to talk to you because he calls and texts you so much. But you don’t need to be in a relationship with someone who always stands you up.

Maybe after being friends for a while, he’ll feel more comfortable with the idea of being out and you guys can start a real relationship. If he does decide to come out, you could be a big help to him.

Something like this happened to me in high school. I’m bi, and I was active in my school’s GSA. The teacher said that a girl in my Spanish class was having some trouble at home and maybe I should talk to her. It turns out that she was gay and only out to one or two people, and that her parents were strict Catholics. We just talked for a while, but we ended up dating and the same thing happened. She called all the time and sent hundreds of text messages, but cancelled dates or we could only hang out with a big group of friends as a cover story. I broke up with her but we decided to stay friends. Now we’ve been out of school for a few years and she’s living with her girlfriend. I’m really happy for her.

Siblinings's avatar

@Haleth
This is what I’ve been saying, I just want to get to know him better not fuck the brains out of him. I said I want us to get to know each other and if we like each other more then who knows.

We kind of have to set up times and locations to meet up as we live in different towns and even though I said we take the same class we go to different colleges. I think the more time we spend together in class the better it will be.
Your story sounds so similar to mine, nice to get advice off someone who’s been through this

Haleth's avatar

Does he still live at home? Some people come out later than others, but it seems like that’s a big reason why he’d so jumpy. He might be able to get away with going on a group outing with you more easily. He can tell his family that it’s just a bunch of friends. If he cancels, it’s no big deal, because you’ll still be able to go out. You can invite along a bunch of gay and gay-friendly people, and he’ll start to feel more comfortable. If your school has a gay-straight alliance, you could both try to go to some meetings, or maybe you could even go to a meeting at his school. He can just tell his parents he’s staying after for a club, and leave it at that.

Trillian's avatar

We’re all overlooking the potentially biggest problem for this guy, which is the fact that his family is Muslim. Depending on how orthodox they are, (Is that the correct term?), they may disown the kid. This is a huge problem for someone from this type of family oriented background. For all we know, they could be rabid enough about it to want to kill him. I believe that this particular type of culture still practice “revenge” and other types of principles that would never occur to us in the west. Maimings, what’s the word for what they put out on Salmand Rushdie? This is a legitimate concern for this young man, and may be what is holding him back.

Val123's avatar

“How to stop being stood up”? Well, stand up all by yourself! That or quit lying down.

evandad's avatar

Don’t date

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