Social Question

pinkgirl02's avatar

What is it like to be married?

Asked by pinkgirl02 (257 points ) April 26th, 2010

I am in a relationship at the moment well, off and on but, would love to marry my boyfriend one day.What is it like to be married?

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94 Answers

CMaz's avatar

It is like wearing a pair of shoes that you can never take off.

eden2eve's avatar

I’d like some clarification on this “off and on” thing that you keep talking about… is it off for two years and then on for a month? This would be significant in the true order of your relationship, since you always seem so concerned.

About being married… what @ChazMaz said is quite accurate. Of course, if it’s a happy thing, then the shoes would be so comfortable you wouldn’t want to take them off. If it’s not a happy thing, then the shoes could be sucky.

cazzie's avatar

if you’re a woman… an unpaid slave.

Captain_Fantasy's avatar

Your parents have no input on this?

It’s like having a best friend you share all your money with and have sex with periodically.
Also you don’t get to do those things with other people any more.

pinkgirl02's avatar

I am 26, so i wouldnt need my parents permission.We are off and on because we do argue alot .

chyna's avatar

Sometimes being married means you get to have sex.~

Likeradar's avatar

It’s like how it is now, with the arguing and confusion and lack of sex and lack of communication and lack of honesty, except you’re legally tied to each other. Doesn’t that sound delightful!~

Captain_Fantasy's avatar

I was thinking your parents could tell you what its like to be married.
If your parents disapprove of who you’re seeing, that might be something to look into.
They’re not going to hate your boyfriend without a reason.

You mentioned “I dont need their permission” which makes it sound like there’s a reason they wouldn’t approve.

For most people getting married, the approval of the parents isn’t an issue.

This off and on issue makes it sound like you’re desperate to get married to this guy who you can’t get along with consistently.

If you marry a guy you’re off and on with now, you’ll be off and on with him for life and you can expect mistresses in his life when things are “off”.

If you’re cool with being married unhappily, then rock on.

If this is the same person you’ve been off and on with for 7 years and refuses to have sex with you, frankly I dont understand why you even bother.

cockswain's avatar

Don’t marry someone you’re on and off with. When you feel like being off, it turns into a legal issue and not simply moving your shit out of an apartment for a few weeks.

pinkgirl02's avatar

Well my boyfriend said he does want us to get married but,i do but i do not know if it would feel better then now or worse?

cazzie's avatar

Getting married is like getting drunk… It only magnifies the problems. It doesn’t make them go away.

DominicX's avatar

Homer: You see, marriage is like a coffin. And each kid is another nail. But as coffins go—

Lisa: Please don’t say any more!

bob_'s avatar

I heard a story about some dude’s toast on his 25th anniversary party: “it’s felt like just 5 minutes… under water”.

wilma's avatar

From what I have seen you write on here, I think it would be like a train wreck.

Marriage is the worst of the bad and the best of the good.

chyna's avatar

How often do you actually see him? I mean are you off for months at a time and then on for only a few days?

gailcalled's avatar

You both must learn how to deal with conflict without arguing, if nothing else.

Captain_Fantasy's avatar

If he was serious about marrying you, he’d marry you.

pinkgirl02's avatar

I see him everyday sometimes, and then we could be off for like 3 weeks .

Captain_Fantasy's avatar

So what (or who)‘s he doing in those 3 weeks? Do you have any idea what he’s doing when you’re not around?
7 years is a long time to go without sex. Most men don’t.

pinkgirl02's avatar

He works , he also does stuff for his mum and dad because they are elderly.

Likeradar's avatar

@pinkgirl02 That really doesn’t answer Chyna’s question. Does “sometimes” mean for half a week, or does “sometimes” mean for 6 months or a year?

You know how confused you say you are now, with the lack of sex, lack of followthrough on his part (meet those parents yet?), lack of clarity on your part… yeah. Now magnify that. Why on earth would you think this is the kind of “relationship” that should involve marriage?!?

@Captain_Fantasy My guess is… his wife.

pinkgirl02's avatar

sorry, i meant sometimes as in normally we will see each other everyday unless, we argue.

cockswain's avatar

If you get married anytime soon with a history like this, you will absolutely regret it and learn a painful lesson. Don’t even consider getting married to this guy until you have long, long periods of bliss.

pinkgirl02's avatar

I think our relationship could go down the marriage root because, we do both love each other .

chyna's avatar

If he loves you, why hasn’t he introduced you to his parents in 7 years?
I’m not trying to be mean, I’m trying to tell you that he is hiding things from you, from his parents.

Likeradar's avatar

@pinkgirl02
All three of my friends who have gotten divorced this year loved their partner too.

The ones with strong lasting marriages don’t just love each other, but they communicate well, share their lives with each other, and at no point is there a period where they think asking a group of strangers why the other person won’t have sex with them is better than having a direct conversation with their partner.

Your questions are redundant.
What do you want to hear? In your head, what is the ideal answer to your questions? Do you want to hear, “My! This 40 year old who entered a relationship with a teenager and won’t introduce her to his parents or have sex with her in seven years and who goes weeks at a time fighting with her is absolute marriage material! You found a winner, @pinkgirl02!” I mean, really. You have some very intelligent and knowledgeable people answering your questions and you participate minimally in the conversations about your life and ask the same basic question repeatedly.
What do you want?

cockswain's avatar

this is stupid.

pinkgirl02's avatar

I just wanted some advice,yes i get your point about the questions but,this is a different question,i am not asking about my boyfriend,i am asking what is it like to be married,i will most probebly not see it through with him,although, i hope i do but,if not him then maybe with someone else.

ubersiren's avatar

Marrying someone means that you want to, and do share things with each other. Your secrets, families and friends, bodies, fantasies, dreams and desires. You should want to share things with your husband, and you should want him to share things with you. Just as he should want to share things with you and receive what you’re giving him. It should feel like it’s the two of you against the world. That’s not to say you’ll never fight, but knowing that when you do fight, it’s not the end of your relationship and you’ll help each other through the issue.

If you don’t feel like he’s on your team, if you don’t already feel like you’re one with him, then I would venture to say that you will not last long together.

eden2eve's avatar

What do you argue about? What does he say when he’s angry with you? Does he say why he doesn’t want to introduce you to his parents?

Do you know what he’s doing when you are “off”? Could it be that you’‘re “off” when he wants to do whatever else he’s doing? And could whatever else he’s doing be the reason he hasn’t married you in seven years?

pinkgirl02's avatar

Well thats a good point, he keeps saying we should meet each others parents but, i really do not know what the problem is? i have sometimes thought it could be the age difference? but, he said it does not matter ,as for us not having sex , i want to but he keeps saying yes but we never do it.

chyna's avatar

What is it exactly that you like about this man?~

pinkgirl02's avatar

We argue about not moving forward alot.

Coloma's avatar

From what little I can gather from your questions I’d say that marrying this guy will be a nail in your coffin girl. Boo!

Marriage in itself is nothing more than a legal contract, it’s the hearts involved that make the real commitment.

I see no commitment happening in this situation, the man doesn’t even want to sleep with you…um..kinda a no brainer.

pinkgirl02's avatar

I am really in love with him, seven years is along time, i really do not want to give up without a fight.

pinkgirl02's avatar

Hence, why i have asked so many questions on this.

Likeradar's avatar

A physically and emotionally healthy, heterosexual adult man who is not committed to someone else or chaste for religious reasons and is into you will have sex with you if you are willing.

Your man clearly does not fit that description. You need to figure out which part of that sentence doesn’t fit in with him.

Why do you keep yourself in this joke of a “relationship”?

eden2eve's avatar

Do you live at home with your parents? Do you have a job that can support you on your own? What do your parents think about this guy? Has he met them? If not, why not?

You need to answer the questions you are asked. What he says to you when you are arguing. Does he tell you why he won’t commit? Have you bothered to find out where he is when he’s not with you? Most people can figure that out if they try.

If you really want to “fight” for him… tell him he has 60 days to marry you or you will find someone who will.

pinkgirl02's avatar

I still live at home with my parents,i do work yes ,my parents have not met him yet because, i need to work out if we are serious or not .

Likeradar's avatar

@pinkgirl02 “my parents have not met him yet because, i need to work out if we are serious or not .” It’s been 7 years. Try again, that answer doesn’t fly.

eden2eve's avatar

Hey.. I think I’ve got it. This guy is a figment of your imagination.

chyna's avatar

@eden2eve If you really want to “fight” for him… tell him he has 60 days to marry you or you will find someone who will.
Or at least introduce her to his parents or even have sex with her.

What? Your parents haven’t met him after SEVEN YEARS? Get outta here. You aren’t even being serious with us. This isn’t a real situation. This is either something you have made up, or you have serious mental issues that you should seek counseling and address.

pinkgirl02's avatar

I wish it was not real because, i am really embarresed now.

ubersiren's avatar

I don’t understand. If he says he wants to do these things, then why don’t you just do it? You should say, “This is the night we finally make love” and go through with it. Or set up a lunch date with his parents that you all commit to. What exactly happens when these plans don’t follow through?

ubersiren's avatar

You mean, he changes his mind and you argue about it?

pinkgirl02's avatar

He keeps putting it off, then we argue because, i get annoyed at him.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

Being married is amazing, for us – of course it’s not about the marriage, it’s about our relationship – it would be amazing whether or not we were married.

Fernspider's avatar

Deleted by me

gailcalled's avatar

A week ago you were 24. Now you’re 26?

Aweek ago you wanted advice about having sex for the first time. Now you’re asking about marriage? What gives?

charliecompany34's avatar

do you love your job? if you do, you are happy, but you have to do it. having to do something can be taxing even if its something you enjoy.

it’s love but it’s marriage. and marriage is love but marriage is not love, but marriage. you have to get married to understand.

Fernspider's avatar

@gailcalled – LOL, that was where my post was going. I gave up though. All a bit odd.

chyna's avatar

@gailcalled She also said they have had sex, then said she was a virgin. She has asked similar questions about 8 times now, several were taken off.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

A happy marriage with a partner you respect is beyond wonderful. You lie down to sleep feeling safe and calm, you wake up thankful and optimistic. You have someone to share your meals, laughter, dreams, goals, concerns, friends and family with. All the best things you’ve ever seen or done, you want to share those with your spouse.

When I was happily married then even mundane things such as grocery shopping, housework and enduring budgets were more palatable because I was doing them for more than just myself. It felt fantastic to bring joy to another person in expected ways but also unexpected ways, maybe things I’d taken for granted and overlooked but ended up appreciated by my spouse. If I’d never been married like that before then I probably wouldn’t care about ever getting married but since I’ve had that level of joy and fulfillment, I want it again in my life. I always felt marriage and cohabitation brought out the very best in me and I know I was most happiest then.

thriftymaid's avatar

It’s the best! except when it’s not

beautifulbobby193's avatar

It depends on whether the wealth generator is you or your husband/wife. If you marry somebody less well off, the feeling is usually fear. If you marry somebody better off, the feeling is of security.

pinkgirl02's avatar

My boyfriend is the only child so, he will get everything, but that is not why i want to marry hin.

Likeradar's avatar

@pinkgirl02 He will get everything? You’re judging his financial security by his inheritance? Does he have a career now?

Fernspider's avatar

Oh brother

pinkgirl02's avatar

He does work now yes.

chyna's avatar

After asking all these questions here, have you finally talked to him about your concerns?

pinkgirl02's avatar

Yes i seen him last night,he said that we will go away for a weekend and try and have sex, hopefully from there we will move forward and have a future together, thankyou for all your advice eventhough, you all thought i have been telling lies, i am really gratefull.

beautifulbobby193's avatar

The only man prepared to wait seven years for sex is a closet gay seeking cover.

pinkgirl02's avatar

He is not gay,he touches me sexually.

cazzie's avatar

@beautifulbobby193 OR he’s much older and had to wait until she was legal, perhaps? OR, he’s married and just dangling her along or both.

pinkgirl02's avatar

I have always been legal since we met thankyou, i love him, and he says he loves me, i believe him.

chyna's avatar

You must have some doubts or you wouldn’t have asked variations of this same question 8 times.

cazzie's avatar

@pinkgirl02 That wasn’t a direct accusation, I was simply trying to come up with other reasons why someone would be in this situation.

beautifulbobby193's avatar

@pinkgirl02 Perhaps he has a severe case of E.D.

gailcalled's avatar

Yes i seen (sic) him last night,he said that we will go away for a weekend and try and have sex,

He is directing this play; you barely get to be an understudy. A love match should be a partnership. And calling your first time “try and have sex” sounds really like a giant warning bell for you. You seem to have your ear plugs really shoved in deep.

Likeradar's avatar

I wonder if this guy has some kind of erectile disorder that he hasn’t told her about.

What man says “try and have sex” with his willing partner, that’s a sign that more talking (or some walking far far away) needs to be done.

pinkgirl02's avatar

I think he is just thinking of me, i have never done it, he said we will take one step at a time.

chyna's avatar

So is there a date set for this weekend away?

Likeradar's avatar

@chyna GQ. And reservations? And an actual plan that will be stuck to? And enough confidence in yourself that if he even hits at blowing it off you will walk the fuck away?

chyna's avatar

I think @Likeradar has a good idea. If he doesn’t follow through on this, and in a reasonable amount of time, then that is your answer. He is yanking your chain, he has no desire for the relationship to go anywhere.

pinkgirl02's avatar

We have waited so long for this, he wants to show me what sex is like.

chyna's avatar

And you just side stepped the questions again. Why do you never answer what we ask you?

Likeradar's avatar

@pinkgirl02 Yeah, we get that. But you do realize that if he doesn’t do this like, yesterday, there’s a big problem, right? There’s enough creepy, off-putting red flags with this guy that he needs to carry through with this NOW.
Zero excuses, zero putting it off, zero fighting about it.

just so we’re clear, no one is thinking this situation is fucked up because you’re a virgin. Good for you for waiting til you’re ready. The problem is his continual lies and manipulations and the very strange fact that you put up with it.

pinkgirl02's avatar

Sorry,yes he has booked a hotel room for saturday night,i am really nurvous though.

Likeradar's avatar

@pinkgirl02 Do you drink? Have a glass of wine. Bring lube (ky or astroglide are good.).

Insist on a condom. Under no circumstances should you fall for any attempt at him getting his penis anywhere near your vagina without wearing one. Take NO excuses.

pinkgirl02's avatar

I do drink a bit, he said he will wear a condom yeah, although i am not on the pill so hopefully it will be ok.

chyna's avatar

I’m sure there will be nothing to worry about.

pinkgirl02's avatar

Even if i did end up pregnant, i would be so happy, but i do not think my boyfriend would.

gailcalled's avatar

Speechless in Spencertown here: First time perhaps for you, and you want to have a baby? Are you nuts, given all the dozens of unresolved issues in your life? Spend several days alone with someone else’s infant and report back to us.

Likeradar's avatar

@pinkgirl02 It is not just about pregnancy.

Every single thing you have told us about this person clearly indicates that he is a shady character. You choosing to spend seven years of your life with this person is one thing. A life time of regret and pain because you got a virus from this person is something much, much worse.

I would absolutely insist that he gets an STD test and physically shows you the results before you have sex with him. You can take one too if you want. It’s not about showing him you don’t trust him- it’s about showing him that you care about the health and well being of the both of you and that you have self respect.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

I’m going with @Likeradar has suggested about the STD testing. Anytime you’re planning to be with someone and there’s a possibility of their body parts going into any of your orifices then there should be testing ahead of time to provide each other with security. You say you’ve been “together” off and on for 7yrs but that’s totally different than knowing you’ve been each other’s exclusive sex partners.

pinkgirl02's avatar

He has not slept with anyone in seven years, he is not the type to not tell me about things like that i love him therefor, i trust him.

Likeradar's avatar

@pinkgirl02 The fact that you have all these intelligent, worldly people telling you something is seriously amiss with this guy means nothing to you, huh?

You love him, you trust him, and you’re eternally confused about why this guy is a shady, shady man. Good luck to ya. You’re making your bed here. I hope no life-long regrets come from it.

eden2eve's avatar

@pinkgirl02 Do you know what Erectile Dysfunction is?

Have you ever had an opportunity to know, for a fact, that this man is aroused? He could be asexual, gay, married or otherwise engaged, unable to perform or just have some very strong psychological issues preventing him from engaging in this intimacy.

Seven years is a VERY long time for a man to go without any sexual outlet, especially when he has a willing partner and plenty of opportunity. You must understand that this scenario you have painted is so unlikely as to be laughable. We hope you won’t be disappointed this weekend, but fear that you will. If you are for real.

Likeradar's avatar

@pinkgirl02 Soooo… do we get an update now that Saturday has passed?

pinkgirl02's avatar

I did see my boyfriend on saturday we booked into our hotel, and finally we did it, it felt really nice, just hope we dont leave it to long to do it again.

chyna's avatar

So do you still want to marry him after that?

pinkgirl02's avatar

yes, i want to marry him and have a baby with him.

beautifulbobby193's avatar

Sex with a condom sucks. Unprotected is a million times better. There is simply no
comparison.

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