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Neizvestnaya's avatar

Behavior with ex/exes versus what you give now (details inside)

Asked by Neizvestnaya (22627points) October 18th, 2010

If you’ve been burned in the past, are there things you did before that you don’t do now for your SO?

Do you wonder if your SO asks themselves, why doesn’t s/he do those things for me when I’m The One now?

I am guilty of some of this and I have no good reason to explain myself. It’s not that I think those things aren’t important to my SO also and it’s not like I think they won’t be appreciated. It’s something else, maybe something worn down, expectations of reciprocation I no longer have faith in and I know it’s not fair to project that. Ever wish you hadn’t treated others so well so your current SO wouldn’t have a contrast? Ever think you’ve just gotten lazy?

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8 Answers

Cruiser's avatar

I keep a little extra time to myself now.

faye's avatar

I don’t have an SO now, but your phrase “something worn down, expectations of reciprocation I no longer have faith in” fits me to a tee. I’m not sure I even want to try again, it’ll be accidental! It just makes me tired to think of it.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

I used to cook breakfast every morning for my last bf but I rarely do that for the bf I have now even though I absolutely adore him. I don’t want him to be jealous or feel slighted because I waited hand and foot on a jerk.

Haleth's avatar

Every one of my exes is a learning experience. The lesson I take from it is to enjoy the honeymoon feeling without letting it cloud my judgment. When I date someone, I treat it a lot like a friendship. You wouldn’t trust a new friend right away or drop everything to be with them, but you also wouldn’t act cagey and distant because the last friend hurt you. It’s hard to be objective when you have strong feelings for someone, but it makes everything a lot easier and more sane. In other words, the people I date now get a more balanced, easygoing version of me.

Scooby's avatar

I have no one that I am committed to right now for those exact reasons, in fact that’s’ the main reason why I will not commit to any one person full stop….. Those past things that were shared I doubt I could muster the courage to divulge again, I’d feel too exposed, vulnerable I guess…… :-/
Especially after I lost everything the last time I was so open & honest, I feel I hold a lot back these days… Maybe just older & wiser!? :-/

Ponderer983's avatar

I definitely take my lessons and apply them to the next relationship as far as being burned. But most of it, it boils down to trust. I am more guarded now in the beginning, and it isn’t until I am completely satisfied that I won’t be burned by the new person, do I really let them in on a deeper level. Can I still get burned – sure, but it’s the chances I take. I try not to let things that were REALLY SPECIFIC to the “burning” relationship affect the next one, but I’m not perfect. And yes, it bothers me when other people don’t do for me beacuse of being burned, because I know the person I am and would never take advantage of someone like that. But I been the one after my partner was burned, so I get the feeling cause I was in it too. It’s just hard because you want them to believe that you are trustworthy and a good person and not someone who would hurt them. Unfirtunately, it’s mostly time and continual trust and actually proving it to get over something like that.

Joybird's avatar

I consider this part of the “when I knew better and did differently” lesson. Why would we do some of the assinine hoop jumping we did in our teens and twenties. Hell no! Back then I thought I had to stand on my head and make every orifice open for business and that I should always be ready and willing and compliant and subservient and well “The stepford sex kitten.” Boy have times changed. And as old and fat as I am I still get offers. So if you aren’t feeling it and it’s not about laziness…just preference…don’t do it. Belong to yourself first. Do the things that make YOU blissful and self full. Share yourself but know your limits and set boundaries there that you enforce with a simple no or no, thankyou. And don’t feel quilty about doing it.
There are many things I did with past partners that I have no desire whatsover to duplicate. And frankly I resent men who suggest that I did something in my past and so therefore they are entitled to having me perform that way again. Nothing could be further from the truth nor will get you evicted from my heart and bedroom quicker than that mentality.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

For better or worse, every new relationship I enter into…I give it my all…it does affect me but it’s worth it…I want authenticity every time and it’s not fair to bring baggage or hurt feelings (even if they may exist) to a relationship with a new person, because it’s not their problem.

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