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Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

What kind of a person is out of your league?

Asked by Simone_De_Beauvoir (39017points) November 12th, 2010

I hear people say ‘oh, she’s totally out of my league’ or ‘he’s not even in the same ballpark as you’ or whatever and I wonder…for people that believe that some people are out of their league or have felt that way at any point in their lives, what kind of a person (is) was it? I think the only time I thought people were out of my league was when I was in high school and knew the senior boys would never go for me even though I really liked them…somewhere within the past 5 years, I stopped thinking that anyone was out of my league and began to really feel that absolutely anyone (including those with ‘wrong’ sexualities for my ‘type’) can be taken by me, so to speak…as a follow up q, do you think viewing some people are as ‘out of your league’ is a negative thing or a neutral ‘fact’?

PS: I have felt that, for some people, I was out of their league – have you felt that way and how does it relate to the above?

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62 Answers

Cruiser's avatar

NASCAR Fans….I won’t even dare try to run in that pack!

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

There might be some people I’m not interested in because of the baggage they’re carrying, but, generally no, I don’t think of people in terms of leagues. Although I’m a NASCAR fan. Also Sportscars, F-1, etc.

Hawaii_Jake's avatar

I think of heavily muscled men as out of my league, because in the gay world, they tend to stick with their own type the vast majority of the time. Is that a negative thing? Yes, they don’t know what they’re missing as far as intimacy is concerned.

Seaofclouds's avatar

When I first met my husband I thought he was out of my league. It didn’t stop me from flirting and trying though, but I really didn’t think anything would come of it. I thought he was out of my league because of the things he had done (lived in another country for a time and visited many other countries) and because of the job/salary he had. Imagine my surprise when I found out he was interested in me. :) He seemed more refined and just in a higher class (for lack of a better word) than me. As I got to know him, I learned quite a bit about myself as well. Things that I had never experienced and realized how much I enjoyed them. We hit it off really well and have a wonderful relationship. I’m happy I never let my feelings stop me from trying. He’s very down to earth and we compliment each other very well.

I’ve never felt like I was out of anyone’s league, but interestingly enough, my husband thought I was out of his league as well (I still can’t figure out why).

I think viewing people as “in or out of our league” is more of a self-esteem issue than anything else. For whatever reason, we view ourselves as not being good enough for that person when we barely even know the person. It could definitely be a negative thing if it stops someone from pursuing something.

wundayatta's avatar

I feel that beautiful women are out of my league, at least, in person. When they get to know me before they see me, it’s a different story.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

I have never thought much about it either way and am not intimidated by people.I do however,have certain preferences that haven’t changed much over the years.

submariner's avatar

OP: You think people of the wrong sexual orientation can be taken by you? That’s very disturbing. I joined just so I could tell you that.

But to answer your question about leagues: Poke around on the internet and see what the spouses of Christina Hendricks (the incredibly hot redhead from Mad Men) and Clive Owen (the British actor) look like. That should put this whole “leagues” thing to rest for ever.

Blackberry's avatar

When I picture a person whose league I’m not in, I picture ‘social elites’ like the people that go to ivy league schools and eat caviar during dinner parties in their parents mansion lol.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@submariner Why does that disturb you? Since I believe sexuality is fluid and no one is really ever ‘set in their ways’, I have been able to have experiences with people who never thought they’d sleep with a person who has a body/sexuality like me.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@Blackberry Yeah, but are you interested in those people, though?

Blackberry's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir Physically, yes, of course. But our lifestyles are much too different, so I wouldn’t be interested in a person like that, just like a woman from that background wouldn’t be interested in me lol.

marinelife's avatar

I am also disturbed that you don’t think anyone is out of your league, but you think you are out of some other people’s league.

That smacks of an innate sense of superiority,

I don’t think of leagues and people in the same thought. I think all people are equal.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@Blackberry I’m an Ivy leaguer. Change your mind at all? lol How the hell do you spell leaguer?

Blackberry's avatar

@Adirondackwannabe Well I know there are exceptions to everything, I know a few ‘high-class’ people that are really cool. That was just a generalization, though, because I don’t know what it is like to be in that part of society.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir Oh, and I think because of our varied class systems all over the world, it is learned behavior to feel above or below other people. Well….maybe both environmental and a bit humanistic because of our brains.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@marinelife Totally agree with you, it disturbs me as well (though I don’t think I feel superior to people, just that some people that bother me in their come-ons and flirtatious harassment would never be able to get with me and they think they can). But I have no issue with putting it out there and figuring out what it means for myself, for my character and how to move forward with that kind of thinking. Also, I don’t think anything to do with this league business has anything to do with equality, for me but I wanted to explore the subject, to probe it and figure out if it smacks of inequality for some, like you.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@Blackberry Thanks for saying I don’t have any class. :)

mammal's avatar

a women i was with once said, i could have any woman i wanted, that made me feel strange, from my experience, the more you want something the more elusive it can become. thing is, i hope there is more to life than securing the ideal love match. but if we are talking sexual conquests i guess the game is afoot ;)

submariner's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir: Your statement about taking people of the wrong sexuality disturbed me because it suggested to me that you might be expressing your sexuality in ways that are manipulative or possibly even predatory, and that you are not respecting people’s boundaries. I know you used scare quotes when you said that, but still, many a truth is said in jest.

You say you believe sexuality is fluid? Well, some people believe homosexuality can be “cured”. Both you and they can point to examples that seem to support their claim, but the preponderance of evidence is against it. I worry that in both cases, people who are bisexual, or maybe just confused and vulnerable, are being taken advantage of.

The issue of body types is not the same as sexual orientation. There is a world of difference between, e.g., getting a straight guy to sleep with a woman who does not fit the standards of beauty promoted in mass media, and getting a gay man to sleep with a woman at all.

Sarcasm's avatar

Despite the fact that I don’t care much about beauty, nor do I care at all about “mainstream” beauty, I always assumed that people used leagues to define how closely a person matched the mainstream idea of beauty (e.g. if they could win a beauty pageant).

I grew up having a lot of “She’s way out of my league” thoughts, despite any lack of interest in whichever girl I thought that about. These days it’s more of “What’re the chances that she’s anywhere near as geeky as you? Pretty damn slim. Move along, Sarc, nothing to see here.”

I’ve never thought of myself as being outside of someone else’s league. I wake up every day, look in the mirror, and have to admit to myself that I still don’t look like David Beckham.

For a quality like intelligence (You know, something that I actually find important) I think something more like, “Wow. I am nowhere near smart enough” or “She’s too good for me” despite high levels of interest.
I don’t think I’ve ever encountered a situation in which I’ve had to think ”I’m too good for her.”

rts486's avatar

I don’t think anyone is out of my league. Not that there is any special about me, but there isn’t a girl in the world I won’t approach (as long as she is single) if I’m attracked to her. Of course this means I’ve been shot down more times than I can count.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@submariner Now this is interesting – thank you for your conversation. Let’s explore: I would never push myself on anyone, ever and I would never disrespect anyone’s boundaries – I only meant to say that I would never write them off as a potential lover/partner either just because they have a ‘set’ sexuality – I speak from experience and people are different but since generally I get together with open-minded people, they push their boundaries through me. As for your second point, I know…I’ve had that thrown in my face by both the homophobic and the queer communities (albeing for different reasons) but I stand by my point – it is my personal beliefs that sexuality can’t be boxed in but as a queer activist and an ally to numerous groups, I fight fiercely for people’s right to have a box they feel comfortable in and since I, myself, have identified as bisexual in the past, I understand the trouble they face and disagree with anyone that gives them any shit, whatsoever. As to your third point, I was including body only because some people (not all) include body in the scope of their sexuality but, to me, sexuality’s scope goes way beyond bodies. For example, my partner and I and a couple of other people have coined the term ‘intellectuosexual’ (jokingly) to refer to our sexualities because we are attracted to people’s brains first and then their body (whatever it may be, even if they’re ‘types’ we haven’t been attracted to before) becomes sexually attractive to us, as well.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir Go easy on the new ones.:) Although I’ll admit to being a little turned on by your response.

nikipedia's avatar

Living in Orange County there’s definitely a “bro” stereotype here that’s out of my league—guys who are into shiny cars and shiny girls with shiny hair. I am sure they wouldn’t look twice at me. But I can’t say I’m terribly interested.

I dated a guy recently who felt out of my league—went to a great college, makes a lot more money than I do, really charming and funny. But I think he mostly felt out of my league because he was weirdly emotionally closed off and hard to read. Maybe.

I admit to sometimes feeling out of people’s leagues. I consider myself reasonably successful and I work out a lot, so when I meet guys who are either less successful or out of shape (or both) I can’t help but feel… superior, I guess? That’s an ugly thing to have to admit; I’m not proud of it.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@nikipedia Well, we can all admit to this kind of thing, I think even as we fiercely believe all people are equal – in other discussions, when people talk about how horrible fat people are, for example or how they’re not into black people, they call this kind of ugly thing ‘preferences’.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@Adirondackwannabe Something tells me this new one is up to it, :).

DominicX's avatar


I think the point is that just because someone says they’re 100% gay or 100% straight doesn’t mean that’s actually true. I know many people who are not 100% either way, but say they are to make it simpler for most people and to fit with what they are attracted to most of the time. But when it gets down to the sexual aspect of it, they may label themselves “gay” but might find themselves with someone of the opposite sex. It’s not that they were manipulated into being with the opposite sex, it’s that they are attracted to the opposite sex in some way, but since it’s minor or what have you, they choose not to disclose that aspect of their attraction to most people.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@DominicX Yep, that’s what I meant – also there’s a book out there (that was an overall bad read, but had some nice parts) that speaks to those kind of experiences.

iamthemob's avatar

Anyone outside a three mile radius of me is out of my league. ;-)

In all seriousness, though, I’ve thought someone was out of my league, thought I was out of there’s, had people think this about me in both senses. I think most of the time there’s more gray area than we think when we think these things. However, I do think that, for the most part, it comes close to being a neutral fact at a certain point (there are people who clearly are more attractive than you, etc. ... I think that there are times when this ca come as close to objective as possible). I don’t see anything negative about it – it’s a realistic approach to your relationships. The only problem is when your radar is out of whack.

submariner's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir Very well. That addresses the practical issue satisfactorily. As for the theoretical issues, who knows? We almost certainly don’t understand sexuality as well as we think we do. We have these categories—gay, straight, bi, discrete or on a continuum—and we talk as if we’ve figured it out, but other civilizations have used other categories in the past, and who knows how our great-grandchildren will look at things. They’ll probably laugh at us.

@DominicX Ok, but some people ARE 100%, and if they say they are, one should accept that and not take it as a challenge to see if they can be bedded. The claim that “everyone is bisexual to some degree” is self-serving (for some) but false.

My last word on this topic: Christina Hendricks and Geoffrey Arend?! If a guy like that can end up with a woman like that, then I’m not writing off any woman, either—as long as her orientation doesn’t exclude males.

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Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@submariner I can’t argue with you on that. Western notions of sexuality make no sense in other places or time periods, even. I also want to clarify (as this is important) that considering sexuality as fluid =/= considering everyone is a ‘little bit bisexual’, to me – I don’t even believe there are only two sexes and genders, to begin with so that kind of a thing would never make sense to me.

aprilsimnel's avatar

As in “I’m not good enough for them”? Nobody. I used to feel that way due to my background, but I don’t anymore. I am not my background. And they aren’t either.

There’s men whose tastes and values don’t match up with mine, but that’s just the way of the world. That’s not a league.

ANef_is_Enuf's avatar

Someone well educated or successful. Particularly good looking people. Metrosexual men.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@TheOnlyNeffie And what, in your opinion, does that mean about you, as a person, if anything?
@aprilsimnel – I don’t know…I didn’t think of it in terms of ‘not good enough’ but that’s interesting, as well.

ANef_is_Enuf's avatar

That I am uneducated, unsuccessful and I like wearing pajamas as much as possible? :)

That I have low self esteem. There is no reason I couldn’t date anyone that fits into any or all of those categories, only that somewhere inside of myself I fear that I would be constantly struggling to prove that I’m worthy of them.

DominicX's avatar

A straight guy.

Other than that, I don’t see any gay guy as being out my league, no matter how attractive they are. Maybe I’m just conceited, but that’s how I see it.

My friends use “out of your league” to refer to a girl who’s so attractive that the guy being addressed couldn’t possibly be with her since his attractiveness is only mid-level (or lower).


Yes, I know some people are 100%. I’m one of them. I’m just saying that when you get to know someone, you may find that their sexuality label is a matter of convenience more than it is of total accuracy. No one’s advocating forcing yourself on someone.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@DominicX And do any of the addressed ‘mid-level’ guys ever go for it anyway?

flutherother's avatar

I don’t think anyone is ever out of anyone else’s league. Who knows what people may find attractive in one another.

free_fallin's avatar

I’ve had these thoughts on occasion thinking a person was out of my league because they were more attractive and/or more successful. As I’ve gotten older, earned my degrees and became successful in my mind, I no longer feel that way. I fall for the brain first also. There is nothing sexier than a truly geeky person to me. Looks don’t play the same role in my life as they did before I hit 30. At 32, I am interested in different things and I need a person who can match me intellectually, though I’d prefer for them to exceed me.

DominicX's avatar


I find that they often don’t, but for the most part, the girls being referred to are people they barely even know, just someone they admired from afar for their stunning looks…

evil2's avatar

Pretty much every woman I meet

ucme's avatar

Russian female shot putters. I mean they’d crush my bloody nuts. Fingers of steel.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

I do find it interesting that people either get what ‘out of my league’ means to them or have an aversive reaction to it. I feel neutral about the term and I don’t really ever conceptualize my relationships in that way unless I’m being tongue-in-cheek but I know I’ve used the concept when I was younger.

Facade's avatar

Someone who isn’t interested in me, I guess. I doubt I’d consider a person to be out of my league because of status or looks.

YARNLADY's avatar

Successful musicians, actors, celebrity chefs.

ratboy's avatar

Any woman with good taste, intelligence, and sight.

poisonedantidote's avatar

When I was a young teenager, it was basically all and any girls that I happened to like and was also intimidated of. I think that is all it comes down to really. I have not really felt that way since I was quite young. After a couple of times of getting a girl that I previously thought I could not, I stopped thinking that way.

Now days I would not say someone is out of my league, rather I would think “why bother”. e.g. A 4 or 5 year older than me rich blond in a black mercedes. I would be aware that statistically it does not look good for me, but at the same time, i would know there is a small chance i could get somewhere if i go up to talk to her, but even if it does work, its only going to be physical and only for a while, and i just think, why even try.

downtide's avatar

Beautiful and wealthy people mainly. Also people who are highly intelligent, although I did manage to land myself one of those. :)

Nially_Bob's avatar

Well i’m about 160lbs so I would imagine that heavyweights and super heavyweights are out of my league (mar har har har, how marvelously droll).

In seriousness, i’m surprised to find that so many deem others out of their leagues based upon education and social class based differences. It’s likely my immaturity speaking, but i’ve always considered those who are “out of my league” to be people who are significantly more physically attractive than myself, while other traits don’t typically factor into it. Whether or not a person is out of my league however, is not the sole element in deciding if i’ll approach them. It being evident would definitely make me somewhat more nervous but i’m just a little too slow-witted to let it affect me substantially. Naturally, this leads to various hilarious incidents.

sweetsugaryandohsohot's avatar

nobodys out of my legue. in comparison im out of everyone elses legue

YARNLADY's avatar

@sweetsugaryandohsohot except people who know how to spell league.

zenvelo's avatar

it’s funny,as I have been online dating for quite a while, that I don’t feel intimidated by looks, as much as by wealth. I guess I expect wealthy women to have a high expectation for a standard of living. I live near some pretty damn well off people, and meeting a divorced woman who got the $5 million house, or earned it herself, can be pretty off putting for a guy who is doing okay but not earning a million a year.

augustlan's avatar

I honestly don’t consider anyone out of my league, as far as dating goes. I’ve been told by others that I’m out of their league, but I don’t really think that’s true. I’ve dated men of all different looks, statuses, educational levels, etc. The only time I ever really thought someone was out of my league was a friendship possibility. It was really weird… I was a new stay-at-home mom at the time, and wasn’t entirely comfortable in that role yet when I met a woman who was in school to become a dentist. She was single, well educated and worldly… and intimidated me terribly. Yay low self-esteem. Meh, I got over it. ;)

Nially_Bob's avatar

I’m always here in spirit…or at the very least in some digital back-up system run by a server somewhere in Nirvada.

HungryGuy's avatar

I don’t think there’s such a thing as being “out of someone’s league.” It’s a common phrase, especially when referring to one person who isn’t sexually attracted to another, but that’s just arrogance. You either have compatible interests with someone or you don’t. Or you’re either sexually attracted to someone, or you’re not. Being socially or sexually incompatible with someone doesn’t mean that one person is somehow better or of “higher quality” than the other one.

Eggie's avatar

I dont believe anybody is out of my league because I believe that all you need is self confidence and little bit of common sense and a person can get anyone that they set their eyes on.

ucme's avatar

Any girl named Ivy. Or maybe not ;¬}

BeccaBoo's avatar

Being from and English middle class background, I have always thought it snobbery to sit and judge a person in terms of “where they are from” or “what they have”. I was always bought up to stick with my own or aim higher, never ever go with someone who has nothing.

Well what a load of bollocks that turned out to be!!! I married “one of my own” and that left me unhappy. I am proud to say that I am happily engaged to a man who is a “blue collar worker” and he makes me laugh, cry and feel really loved, something i have not had in a while.

So in my opinion, leagues stink, it’s about the person you love no matter who they are where they are from and what they give to you!!

zensky's avatar

Only Chuck Norris.

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Eggie's avatar

Perhaps movie stars?

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