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Paradox1's avatar

How Does Boy Convince Girl She Loves Him as Much as He Loves Her?

Asked by Paradox1 (1177points) February 18th, 2013

The background of this story is that I met my now EX Girlfriend in college in California, where I am from and live. She is from the MidWest and came to college in California. We had been dating successfully for 1 year until she (and parents) could not afford the out of state tuition (this was in 2008 when the economy nose-dived) and she moved back to the Midwest for her last half of college and graduation. We were not able to make the relationship last long being 1,500 miles away, but I take most of the blame for not being more appreciative and trying harder to make it work. We separated agreeably and mutually, and have remained friends seeing each other about every 9 months since then.

Well It has been almost four years since then and I am now about to be 26. I am much more mature and wiser than I was back then, and I can see that in the end I am definitely going to want a family. I can see now how I took her for granted, I can see how much I really care about her as a person and want to be with her, and I want to explore the possibility of dating again and possibly working towards marriage. She is 24 and I don’t think is quite there yet. Despite being from a conservative area of the MidWest where most of the people get married right out of college or earlier, I know this is not a priority of hers. That is fine. I am not in a rush to marry but I am in a rush to “be with” her, and discover if that is a route that would suit us. Think “Garden State.”

We are 1,500 miles apart. I know she cares about me still, and we had even loosely talked about ultimately getting married when she was 25 while we were first dating in college. We last saw each other in mid-December of 2012, about three months ago, and it was a great visit for both of us. When I was visiting, I suggested finding a job in the city she lives in or a nearby city because I am working between jobs only part-time, and she just got a job there. She told me she would consider dating me but couldn’t guarantee that she would. Understandable, and good news to me!

I told her I would start looking for jobs nearby her city so we were at least driving distance or a short flight apart. Since then, however, she has been less and less responsive, more so at any point in the past. So my question is, do I just pick up and move to a neighboring city that would give our reunion a fighting chance? Do I wait until she works with me by trying to somehow get closer before I make the move? Do I sit back and wait until she responds? Now she’s not responding much to me and I don’t want to push her away or scare her, but it is painful, especially when I could be making progress towards her. I absolutely want to be with her, and taking a risk moving away from all of my friends and family is worth it, at least from my vantage point now. The question is how do I go about it?

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23 Answers

Unbroken's avatar

I’m sorry but I believe this is a bad idea.

What happens when you move and she doesn’t want to be with you? Or your neediness now escalates when you have no friends or support group in your area? What if she met some one, or is just not ready to commit?

If you are going to move for her only do it with her support. Applying more pressure when she is already backing away is not advisible.

Sorry but that is just my honest opinion.

zenvelo's avatar

Slow down. The two of you are not even dating, and if you move to start dating her now you will be running over her like a steam roller. By your own observation, I think it is safe to say she has moved on.

One does not convince another that she loves you. Only she can do that.

I hate to say it also, but I think you have to realize that this ship passed long ago, and you need to move on yourself. Let her know you are open to being with her, but that you need to move on too.

This won’t be easy, but it is better than where you are leading yourself and her. You don’t want to be the guy that won’t stop bothering her.

bookish1's avatar

You can’t convince someone else that they love you.
A relationship is composed of more than one person.

marinelife's avatar

You can’t change her feelings. Either she loves you and is attracted to you or she doesn’t.

elbanditoroso's avatar

All the travel stuff is details.

You cannot convince her (or anyone) of something they don’t believe internally.

You are setting the stage, in the elaborate scheming of yours, to get her royally pissed off at you, and for you to dig yourself into a major and stupidly embarrassing hole.

My advice: BACK OFF. Live your life. Not hers.

SadieMartinPaul's avatar

Pretend that the ex-girlfriend doesn’t exist. With her out of the picture, would you want to move to this city? Is it a place that you really enjoy and where you’d like to live? Do you have a great job opportunity that will advance your career and be beneficial over the long term? Could your new lifestyle be so pleasant that you wouldn’t regret having left your current city and job?

If you can honestly answer “yes” to those questions, why not move and give things a try? If you know that you’d be happy in this new city, regardless of the outcome with your ex-girlfriend, you have nothing to lose.

If your sole motiviation is to chase the girl, however, this is a good time to slow down and reconsider your options. If you move just because you want to rekindle an old romance, you’ll be angry and resentful if the outcome isn’t good.

KNOWITALL's avatar

Honestly, she probably doesn’t want you to re-arrange your life around hers, that’s why she’s not responding, that’s pretty much saying she’s committing to your relationship.

Midwesterners (not sure if New Jersey is the Midwest?) are known for our bluntness and honesty, so I’d just ask her why she’s distancing herself, and I bet she’ll tell you. You may have moved into the ‘friend zone’ since the ‘break-up’ and she doesn’t want to hurt you or ruin the friendship.

janbb's avatar

Yes – I would definitely have a serious talk with her before contemplating such a big move. Otherwise, it could verge on stalkerism.

Paradox1's avatar

Thank you all.

I don’t know if I would be angry or resentful if things didn’t work out. My concern is doing nothing and wondering “What If” the rest of my life. At least I wouldn’t regret NOT trying. There would be some advantages for me personally.

And I disagree. It takes on average more than 4 times longer/more exposure for women to realize they are in love than men. So I am hoping seeing her more is the answer, which is difficult if not impossible when you’re across the country… She already told me she would visit more if i were closer to her. She convinced me that I love her (after our breakup) but of course she wasn’t trying. Thx.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@Paradox1 You definately should make your feelings known, tell her that you are having thoughts of the future and settling down and can’t picture anyone but her beside you.

Now is the time for romancing her, and showing her you’re serious!! Not serious scary, but serious about her being the ‘one’ by sending flowers, emailing her every other day, Skyping & giving her all that attention. Pretty quickly, I think she will let you know if it’s welcome attention or not, but you’ll know in your heart and mind that you tried.

janbb's avatar

@Paradox1 “It takes on average more than 4 times longer/more exposure for women to realize they are in love than men.”

That seems a specious statistic to say the least. Do you have a source for that?

Paradox1's avatar


“Research shows men know they’re falling in love after just three dates, but women don’t fall until around date 14.”

Unfortunately I don’t have the actual research

@KNOWITALL That seems Pretty intense and likely to turn her off in a hurry, making me look desparate. I am pretty good at not looking desparate ;)

janbb's avatar

@Paradox1 OK – thanks. But that seems a little irrelevent in this case since she already knows you well.

SadieMartinPaul's avatar

@Paradox1 “My concern is doing nothing and wondering “What If” the rest of my life. At least I wouldn’t regret NOT trying.”

I think you’ve already made your decision. This lady’s special to you, and you’d like another chance. You don’t want to be held captive by lingering doubts and uncertainties.

As your Flutherite friend, I ask only the following—that you adjust and modify your thoughts about being near her. You say that you want to “convince” her that she loves you, and that “longer/more exposure” is the answer. When you move to be nearby her, you’ll be starting a new relationship under very different circumstances. Please just enjoy her company and give yourselves time to grow comfortable with each other. Things might end sadly if you charge in like the cavalry.

If you think about it, you might even find that, after all this time, she’s no longer right for you. People grow and mature, and change is inevitable. If you’re too hellbent on your mission and fixated on her as the “prize,” however, you won’t be able to see or learn the reality.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@Paradox1 I don’t see a correlation between letting someone know how you honestly feel and looking desperate, but you know the sit better than I. Good luck.

El_Cadejo's avatar

Lets Just Go Ahead And Capitalize The First Letter Of Every Word To Make It Look Important….

burntbonez's avatar

You can intensify your pursuit from a distance or from up close. Either way, it’s make or break. One way requires a much bigger disruption to your life.

But I wonder if you can’t call her every day and talk to her for an hour, then is there really a relationship there? I think you’ll find out quickly as you try to ramp up your level of contact with her whether she is responsive. To move out there and then engage in this kind of pursuit only to have her reject you would be pretty devastating. It’ll be devastating enough from a distance.

Now there is a chance that you could be more successful in person than over the internet and phone signals, but I doubt that would add much. I’d say build the relationship from a distance and then more.

If she is being noncommittal about giving you an indication of interest before you move, that’s not good. She says she’d date you, but she’s not feeling it. She’s saying she really doesn’t know the future and doesn’t want to treat you any more special than anyone else she dates. That would not make me want to move, brother. Not one bit.

You’re probably delusional with love. Love does make you delusional. It makes you believe things you wouldn’t believe otherwise. You may have to move, no matter what, just because of your obsession, but women are picky about being the object of obsessions. If they like the attention, that’s one thing. If not, you’re a stalker and they slap a restraining order on you. Her signals are not positive. You’re being too optimistic.

Paradox1's avatar

@SadieMartinPaul I understand that I may, even if we began dating again, decide that she is no longer right for me. This is why in the question I explained I wanted to explore a serious relationship, but am not convinced now and see your point in the danger of that.

@burntbonez I know love does make people crazy, follow their hearts, etc. and knowledge is power, you’re right about that.

Thank you for helping me see the light. I believe I will work on things from afar while still pursuing my own life for now, though I still want to move (anywhere), but I am worried about subconsciously biasing my decisions towards her. If I start seeing someone else, just to make her jealous, etc. I don’t know how to get around these subconscious biases, unfortunately, other than to try to be hyper aware of my actions and choices.

Paradox25's avatar

From what you’ve posted I’m definitely not convinced that she wants to be with you as much as you want to be with her. I’ve had similar experiences happen to me, and I’m a bit older than you so I’m giving you viable advice here: move on. No person that truly cares about you would make you pursue them, despite personal feelings.

Paradox1's avatar

@Paradox25 She is not “making” me do anything. She has told me it is completely up to me where I want to seek employment, and recently has shown an interest in my search for employment. I made it clear to her that I would like to communicate with her more frequently. It is now up to her to either meet my ante or raise me, and if she doesn’t in time, I will have moved on.

What do you think of this quote? ”“@thewordallogic: A man who realizes the value of the RIGHT woman would go to the ends of the earth to be with her and vice versa – The Wordallogic””

janbb's avatar

@Paradox1 It’s the “vice versa” part that isn’t clear here.

Paradox25's avatar

@Paradox1 Just because someone makes a quote, whether they’re famous or not, it does not make that quote a universal truth. In my opinion one of the qualities of the ‘right’ woman/man is that person wanting to be with you as much as you want to be with them.

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