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Needs2no's avatar

Am I wrong in not trusting my husband?

Asked by Needs2no (99points) December 6th, 2010

My husband spends all his ‘free time’ on the computer. This has always been a problem due to several different situations. Examples- No family time, no conversation, never going anywhere as a family, etc.
But know there are new factors. It started with Face Book, before we were married he cheated on me. A year ago he looked her up, when I saw this and said something well basically that ended with him throwing the computer into the wall. Yet again, he re-added the same female. And was leaving extremely flirtatious comments on other females profiles. This once more was a big fight and he deleted his account, which only made certain people in his life blame me.
He has since recreated another profile, I was added, then he deleted me.
Now, it’s to the point to where he has so many blocks on our computer I can’t even access SEVERAL sites! And when I pulled our history it showed dating sites, more than 1 facebook account-which had comments like, I love being single.
I know you can’t physically cheat through a computer but… What I’m thinking or feeling is he’s not being totally honest with me.
If I bring anything up his immediate response is anger. And I even think, I’m not sure, but think he’s going through all my computer history just to make sure I’ve found nothing.
All this is on top of weird phone #‘s, filtering his work phone, a flirty text JUST last month and…. lack of intimacy?
Am I wrong to feel as though I can’t trust him? Or am I the one who is in the wrong?

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35 Answers

perspicacious's avatar


I’m sorry but he is way past mischievous. I would probably already be gone. Are there children—that changes things in a big way. I cannot and will not live with lies. And the more I read and the more unhappy spouses I talk to, the more I think Facebook should have remained just for college kids. Something like 80% of divorce cases now involve a Facebook message, status, or post of some kind. Any time someone chooses the computer over their wife or husband it seems to be shouting that trouble has arrived or is in the making. I seriously think your husband is either cheating or on the cusp. Sorry. I wish you luck.

snowberry's avatar

I’ve lost count of the number of red flags you have mentioned. NO, YOU ARE NOT IMAGINING IT!
Anger on his part is a defense mechanism. If he had nothing to hide, he’d not have anything to defend.

Your situation is not mine, but one day there came a day when I said, “Sweetheart, I love you, but I’ve had it. It’s divorce or counseling. You need to choose fast, or you won’t get to choose at all. Then I stuck to my guns. For me, it worked out wonderfully beyond my wildest dreams. But I’m sorry to say that far too often it does not end happily.

Seelix's avatar

I have to agree with the other posters. Something’s up, and it’s not good. You are definitely NOT in the wrong here; he’s reaching out online for something that he could easily get at home, and that’s not good for your relationship.

A good friend of mine was married for 3 years before she found out that her husband was “cheating” online – he was pretending to be single and chatting up all kinds of ladies on different sites. Though he never physically cheated, my friend would have none of it. She was accepting a job in the southern States (after living all her life in Ontario) and decided that he should stay here while she moved away. They saw counsellors, together and separately, and tried to work on their marriage. He took up photography as a hobby in order to keep from spending so much time online, and that worked for a while. Then my friend found out that he had been posting ads online for models, and taking risque photos of ladies. Again, he never physically cheated, but this was too much for my friend. Unfortunately, she’s now 32 and divorced, but so much better off.

OpryLeigh's avatar

Re-read what you have written here and then dump the loser. He’s definitely lying to you if what you say here is true and you don’t have to put up with that.

BoBo1946's avatar

Before calling it quits, you both should go for counseling. There is no way i can suggest that a couple call it quits from reading a short paragraph on your relationship. So many other factors to consider. If you love him and he loves you, try to save your marriage.

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Trillian's avatar

Drop him like the bag of dirt that he is.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

oh no no no-leave him

Dog's avatar

I am so sorry.

You need to face the fact that he is shopping for your replacement. Even now he is giving the affection that is rightfully yours to others so in that respect you have already been replaced.

You can try to force the counseling but unless he is really behind it and really wants to change you will be forever suspicious of his activities.

In this age of communication cyber-cheating can literally be pursued anywhere. You cannot babysit him all the time and really you should not have to at all.

If he was my husband I would be in the process of divorce because I would not want to spend my life and energy with someone who I clearly could not trust

marinelife's avatar

Look, even if he is only cheating through the computer, it is still cheating. All of his energy and thoughts are turned outward—away from your marriage.

Since his response ios anger, just stop talking to him about it. Get your financial ducks in order, see an attorney and file for divorce.

BoBo1946's avatar

@Needs2no How long have you guys been married and do you have children?

El_Cadejo's avatar

It sucks you are going through this, but seriously, MOVE ON. It will be better for you in the long run. I imagine you like most others in life want someone who loves and cherishes you and doesn’t hid shit from you. Your clearly not getting that from this guy so yea…..

Jude's avatar

The guy is a piece of shit and is taking for a ride. You need to wake up and smell the coffee! Move on!!!!

jca's avatar

if i were you i would go for individual counseling to help you through the big decisions that are ahead. There are many men on social sites that are looking to hook up with women. I am on Fetlife and there are men who may admit that they’re married but say “it’s complicated” or that their wife knows they fool around – it may be true for a rare few but probably not most. From what i hear about conventional dating sites, many men are saying they’re single but they don’t answer their phones, are not available on weekends, seemingly they’re married but not admitting it.

How could you trust someone who does this clandestine computer stuff that is hard to prove, hard to find out about? Even if you went to counseling together, he could still do his trolling for women at work, on a Blackberry, or through having different profiles or passwords.

i would not tolerate this behavior. You don’t have a relationship, you have scraps.

deni's avatar

This sounds awful. Go go go!

trailsillustrated's avatar

creepy wierd behaviour. leave if you can

Russell_D_SpacePoet's avatar

You should be very wary. If it was me, I would break it off. There is more to this situation than meets the eye. I feel for you. You have every right to not trust him if he cheated.

skfinkel's avatar

You need to think carefully if this relationship is one that is loving and good, in which you feel respected, or not. If you don’t feel that this man is treating you well (and loss of intimacy would be one way of judging that), and is caring for you, and you are having fun times together, you might want to think about why you are in this relationship. Were you abused as a child? Were you treated poorly growing up? That would be some reason why you allow a man to treat you badly as an adult. So, if that is true, then you would need to get to the bottom of your own issues (therapy would help) and then decide if this man is the right one for you. If you have no children, you have the luxury of figuring this out, and leaving him if it turns out he is not right for you. If you have children, then you have more of an obligation to stay together and help him be a good father to your children and a good husband to you.

flutherother's avatar

This is very wrong. Your husband is treating you very badly. If you accept that he can behave like this with you things will only get worse.

ZEPHYRA's avatar

He is BLOCKING you out of more than his Facebook account, he is blocking you out of his life. Block him out for good while the time is right!

jca's avatar

I am curious when he is angry, after your confrontations, do you back off or do you ask him again? I would not be intimidated by his anger. I am curious if he responds to your questions about what and why he posts as he does, or if he denies, or if you don’t pursue the issue.

Needs2no's avatar

We’ve been married for 7 years together for over 12 years with 3 children. And since we’ve been married I do not believe he’s cheated on me. But like I said, now there seem to be as many fire walls up in real as there are on our computer. And I have to admit that there are walls up on my side as well. I honestly feel I need to prepare myself for the time he leaves, at least emotionally.
And the weird part is even though he wants and has ALL his privacy, he monitors alot of my activity. Double standards? IDK?
And yes, after I’ve asked him and he’s exploded, I do back off. At least verbally. His response is “Your delusional and paranoid.” Or “That’s it, that’s your trigger the computer.” Well, when there are so many blocks on my internet usage yet I’m set up as administrator, besides the fact he has ALL my passwords….. Who wouldn’t think something?
I’ve honestly thought of just not getting anywhere near the computer. Maybe that would solve the problem but it’s the best form of communication. So, I haven’t done that YET! But I want, hell I don’t know. I want my family.

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GingerMinx's avatar

he cheated on you before you were married, he throws computers at the wall, what part of unhealthy relationship do you not understand?

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Time to take account of your financials and consider getting a divorce. Your husband is a habitual emotional (and probably physical) cheater. Who cares if he has regrets or feels bad when caught? He keeps doing the same stuff over and over. He’s making a fool of you regardless of how it shows on his character- he cares for no one but himself.

YARNLADY's avatar

There are as many different couple relationships as there are couples. You have made an assessment of yours, and come to the conclusion that you don’t trust him.

Now take the next step and decide what you are going to do about it. You can’t change him, so what are you going to do about your feelings? If your marriage means enough to you, you can choose to learn to live with him and his failings. If that is not acceptable to you, figure out how to live without him.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

@YARNLADY is right in that some people can accept their spouses infidelities, sometimes with conditions to offset the loss of the type of relationship they thought they had or really want to have. I work with a man who cheats on his wife, she knows this but chooses to stay with him. He gives her anything she asks for and continues to cheat. He says his wife is fine with what he does but she isn’t exactly because she is hostile when the infidelity is rubbed in her face by the way of texts and/or phone calls. In return for turning a blind eye then she asks for bigger diamond rings, a newer car, larger weekly cash allowance for personal spending, trips for she and her family. She gets all she asks for except to be able to know her husband has only eyes for her.

I couldn’t do it but maybe you can? Can your unfaithful and non participating husband afford to do any needed particulars for your family and kids right now? Do you and the kids have all your medical and dental issues taken care of? Does your car need some work in the shop in order to be reliable? Is there some vocational training you’d like to do for job purposes you’ve been putting off? Is there a list you can make for yourself of things your husband brings as assets to your family? What is his actual value to you/kids now since you know you’ll never be able trust him (for good reasons) or have the top place in his heart?

Disc2021's avatar

One thing I’ve learned is that relationships and the internet do not mix. I’m sure given the situation here, I need not explain exactly why not.

There are two sides to every coin – even though you’ve made your husband out to be a complete ass (rightfully so, if your story is as it sounds), he’s a person too, with a story as well. I think what I’m saying is that I dont know the specifics of your relationship so I’m not even going to bother fishing for the bad guy in this situation, that’s specifically for the both of you to decide.

What I’m going to say is this: Here is your reality check. You’ve given us a situation that sounds like complete hell with absolutely no redemptive qualities. What do you want at this point? You’ve already tried to work through this problem with him and it’s ended with even worse results. It sounds like this has been going on for some time – it’s evidently getting worse, so when is the “enough is enough” point; how much longer are you going to let this go on? Are you getting what you deserve in a marriage, yet alone a relationship? I think you should figure out what you next move is. That may be anything from packing up your things and getting the hell out, to doing absolutely nothing.

If you want my opinion, I would have one last “make it or break it” talk. Pack my bags and wait right in the living room to talk with him (or better yet, wait for him at his computer). If he responds with anger or the response is in anyway resembles his previous responses, that would be it for me. If he genuinely recognized that there was a problem jeopardizing the marriage you two have built and genuinely wanted to change it, I would look into couples counseling or some type of therapy.

shoebox's avatar

Divorce… divorce soon, divorce and get the hell out! what a real jerk!

The_Inquisitor's avatar

Oh this is so saddening, and what adds to my sadness, is that I am also a bystander of a situation such as this…

You deserve better…. =(

snowberry's avatar

And don’t forget that because right now you are still married to this jerk, if he should decide to follow through with his online impulses with a physical relationship with someone, YOU stand a good chance of getting an STD if he later chooses to exercise his “right to get some at home”.

That said, I know of two women who choose to stay married to men who are physically unfaithful. One woman is terminally ill. She has no better place to go, and she is on his insurance. Another friend has a business relationship with her husband. He uses the family home she lives in as collateral for occasional loans, while she lives there rent free. In both cases the men cannot afford to divorce their wives because doing so would compromise their high security clearance status.

shoebox's avatar

@snowberry agreed!

…..DIVORCE! your way better than sticking with a retard who can’t learn from a mistake… he’s got no brains, leave! and find your self some one amazing! Cuz the loser your with is beneath you.

Needs2no's avatar

Right now is a perfect example. I have tried going on my FB at 12 different times. Like I said earlier all my friends are in a different state, so it saves a lot in long distance. Plus, I can advertise my business as well. But, he has me COMPLETELY blocked!
So far I seem to be absolutely retarded for staying with him. Every post has been a negative one, I was hoping there would be at least one that.. I don’t know would defend his side.
Maybe he is wanting a divorce and is waiting. I know I don’t but it takes two for a relationship? And After multiple attempts of logging into my OWN accounts and not being able to, it’s ridiculous. I know he has already discovered this site and what I posted, he monitors everything, EVERYTHING!!!! I guess, it’s time for me to stop pretending and put on my big panties and make a move. Which? I wish I knew, but when you have three kids to consider and holidays, those things DO NOT MAKE A DECISION EASY!
OR maybe as usual, I’m making up excuses?

The_Inquisitor's avatar

@Needs2no; I know… that is a very tough decision… And if there was a “Bad Answer” button, I bet I’d get lots of points for what I’m about to say… haha.

But, I know that, if my parents divorced, I’d probably think my life was miserable. You do deserve better though… Talk with him, point out his mistakes, if he won’t listen… be upset with him? Let him know that if he doesn’t change, then something will..

Sometimes it feels like my parents stay together just because of us. Actually, I’m pretty sure that we have a lot to do with why they are still together..

You’d think that even though my sister and I are both considered adults, that it wouldn’t matter if they were together or not…. But, to me it does. I wish only happiness for my parents. And I want them to take care of each other when the “kids” move out. But when one is being stubborn and stupid… there’s not much you can do. I guess it is up to them.


Confront him first, and make him listen.

All the best.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

@Needs2no: You wrote something about maybe him waiting until you bring up splitting. Well, that’s really typical of cheaters and people who don’t like to be accountable for their actions, it’s easier to let other people become angry, other people do the dirty work and make the hard decisions while they coast along doing exactly as they please… so long as it doesn’t start to cost them. Don’t be surprised if he looks up at you with a calm face and says something along the lines of, “well, if you think that’s what’s best for us and what you want…”

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