General Question

fatefulwhisper's avatar

Why is she being distant and/or avoiding me?

Asked by fatefulwhisper (103points) December 7th, 2010

There’s this girl I really like at work. When we first met, she talked to me a lot and was very flirtatious but at the time, I wasn’t interested in her at all and kind of just brushed her off (I know, I’m an idiot). We’ve since become good friends now and talk every now and then, but just recently she has given me the cold shoulder and will not talk to me, and actively avoids me now. She will however, take the initiative to say “hi” (in a very shy voice) to me every time we pass each other in the hallway or when we’re alone. But I don’t take it further than that because I keep thinking she doesn’t like me.

At work she’ll just talk to our other co-workers and avoids talking to me directly. I don’t think she’s a very shy person in general; she’s very social and talks to everyone in the company. Is she possibly shy around me now, or she is uninterested in me. I have not told her that I like her at all, and I have no idea how she feels about me. We have hung out a few times outside of work. I haven’t done anything to her to make her hate me, that I can think of, other than not talking to her much or ignoring her because I wasn’t sure how she felt about me.

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11 Answers

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

Why don’t you just ask her what is wrong?

Sandwichdude's avatar

You ignored her and brushed her off, and now you’re shocked that she’s not as flirtatious and talkative to you?

If you’re interested in her now, start paying more attention to her and trying to initiate more flirting – if she isn’t responsive, just drop it and leave her alone. Sorry, it happens.

partyparty's avatar

I think initially she was letting you know she liked you, but because of your reaction towards her she now thinks you aren’t interested.
Why not start off a conversation with her yourself? If she still doesn’t respond to you, then perhaps it is too late. Sorry to be brutal.

bellusfemina's avatar

My husband and I had this problem before we met. We both had HUGE crushes on each other, but I would purposefully avoid him because I would blush whenever I saw him. I avoided him also because I thought he didn’t like me. Since I liked him so much, I didn’t want to feel stupid by turning bright red, and stammering like an idiot!! haha. This might be the case with her- since you ignored her, she probably thinks you don’t like her. But the only way to reall know, is to stop guessing and go talk to her!! Don’t beat around the bush by flirting- go ask her out for a cup of cofee or something. Usually women won’t go after the man unless she is a loosey goosey.

marinelife's avatar

Ask her to do something outside of work. Like go for coffee. Take it from there. See how she responds.

wundayatta's avatar

Think that she likes you and proceed from there. Say Hi. Ask about how she is. Ask if she’d like to go for lunch.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

I really do think she likes you and is trying hard to not show it because you wounded her dignity previously.

lonelydragon's avatar

By ignoring her sometimes and being friendly at others, you have given her mixed signals. She’s probably being cautious because she doesn’t know how you feel. Despite her behavior with other coworkers, she may be feeling shy, too. Even for us shy folks, it’s easier to be friendly with casual acquaintances and coworkers than people we’re interested in romantically. Also, if your workplace has a policy against dating coworkers, she may not talk to you much when others are around because she fears getting in trouble.

Don’t give up on her yet. Keep talking to her when you’re alone together. Realize that you may need to give her some time before she comes around. Remember, once bitten, twice shy. I would suggest asking her to hang out with you outside work, but not knowing what other activities you’ve done together outside work, it’s hard to give good suggestions.

Good luck to you. Remember to act quickly, or she’ll think you’re not interested.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

I’d think she felt your brush up more deeply than you think and it’s somewhat embarassing for her yet to be around you all the time. As much as she wants to be polite and maybe even talk with you, forefront in her thoughts is that you rejected her. No one wants to feel a fool. If you like her then you’d better say something. The other thing I thought of is someone else at work told her something about you that’s got her spooked, hopefully you never made fun of her to others that they’d have told her about it, that never goes well.

fatefulwhisper's avatar

Thank you for all your answers, they have all been helpful. Just to add, we have gone out a few times outside of work (during weekends), but just as friends, and during lunch. We didn’t do anything that would suggest otherwise, because I’m really shy and don’t like to force/rush things. I get the sense she feels the same way too, and I’m just trying to go with the flow without forcing anything upon her. I have dropped a few hints to her that I like her, but either she thought I was just trying to be really nice, or she knows and is still sorting out her feelings. I almost wanted to give up on her (when she started avoiding me), which explains why I was ignoring her, but my gut has told me not to give up just yet.

I will try to ask her out again, but do something outside of lunch… like dinner or a movie.

By the way, as an update, I talked to her more than usual today because I wanted us to start talking again. Every time I talked to her, her face suddenly lit up and she smiled at me. She was having a very stressful day at work (as was I), so our chit-chat was brief but I got the sense she appreciated me taking the initiative to say “hi” to her more than usual, and not ignoring her.

Also, I have already checked the company policy on dating. It’s only against the rules to date someone who is your direct manager (as it would bring some sort of bias to the lower position person), but we both work in totally different departments, so the rule does not apply to us. I think also, the fact that we don’t really work together at all, when we talk, it’s not work related.

creepermax's avatar

Surprise finger bang? I would do that. Twice. Or you could ask her about her feelings and life then try and give her a kiss. She would avoid it, and you would feel bad then better.

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