Social Question

shalom's avatar

What does a guy mean when he doesn't really want to talk about how he ended up marrying his ex and also that his child was an "accident"?

Asked by shalom (374points) March 16th, 2011

I have met some men who are very reluctant to talk about how they met their ex-wife and what happened that culminated in their recent divorce. A couple of these guys even said, “It was an accident” referring to the child they had together.

What does a guy really mean when he tells you that the child he had was an accident? What reaction does he want from a woman? (He knows I’m a single mom.)

The men seem to love their daughter/child and make it a point to make sure the child is well taken care of and the ex gets whatever finances she needs to give his child the standard of living he would expect his child to have. Each guy says that having a child changes their entire perspective of life. But then why would they still refer to having the child they love as “an accident”?

On separate occasions each of these men also mentioned, “I would like to have another child if I can.” – Does it mean they want me to have their child? [they say this on first couple of dates].

Should I be aware of these men for these reasons :

(1) they’re unwilling to talk about how they ended up with their ex and to talk about what led to not being together (is he trying to cover up his bad points?)

(2) they get women pregnant because they enjoy it but don’t want to do the whole husband thing

(3) they claim their child is an accident / says they would want another / as a way of warning me that they have a history of getting women pregnant and then not committing to a loving relationship.

Or, could it be they are just trying to be honest yet….not? I need a guy’s perspective on this.

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18 Answers

marinelife's avatar

1. When he says the child “was an accident” that means that he and/or his wife were not planning to have a child at that time, and were probably using birth control of some type.

2. When he says he does not want to talk about his past relationship, he means just that. He does not want to rehash his old relationship with his current date.

3. When he says that he would like to have another child if he can, he means just that. If he gets into a long-term, committed relationship, presumably marriage, he would like to have another child someday.

4. He does not mean that he wants you to get pregnant with his baby on a first or first few dates.

Instead of coming up with all of this specious reasoning, try taking what they say at face value. Men usually do not have convoluted thinking behind what they say. They just tell it like it is.

janbb's avatar

@marinelife So young and yet so wise!

shalom's avatar

I sound kinda obsessed with him, huh? – primarily because I’m into another guy that I’m trying to get over and the next best thing is to find someone interesting that I’m comfortable being around to focus my attention on. :(

Another thing that got me asking is because this is the third time a guy’s told me the same sequence I’m thinking it’s a “story”. I just highly doubt a woman would go around saying their child was an “accident”. Secondly, women do enjoy listening to what went wrong with a man’s relationship to know what she might be in for….why wouldn’t a man tell?

SpatzieLover's avatar

@shalom When I read your details, the first thing that popped into my mind: Time to date men completely different than what you’ve been attracting.

@marinelife GA!

shalom's avatar

@SpatzieLover : You mean, divorced men who don’t like their Filipina ex-wives but adore the fact they got a child with her? – oh, my goodness – I’ve had four men like that! (2 Filipino men, 1 American, 1 Iranian) Oh, my goodness! How did I manage to do that without even leaving the country? Except for the latest one, 3 of them did (directly) ask me to have a child with them after knowing each other longer than how long I’ve gotten to know #4. Goodness! I have a pattern!

BarnacleBill's avatar

I think it’s a sign that they avoid responsibility for their decisions and are disrespectful to women. They are upholding financial responsibilities because the courts require them to do so, or risk being labeled a deadbeat.

When a marriage falls apart, it’s enough to say it didn’t work out, or neither of us were ready for the responsibilities of marriage. If they talk trash about their ex, they will ultimately talk trash about you.

cak's avatar

Two things stand out, after reading your responses. One, you are over analyzing things. Yes, I have heard women refer to a child as an accident. “My best accident” is something I’ve heard before. No, it isn’t the wording that I would feel comfortable with; however, it has become a more common, over the years.

He doesn’t want to talk about his ex? Isn’t that better than sitting there listening to him trash talk her?

Okay, there was three things, not two. If you are finding yourself drawn to the type of man you are trying to avoid, stop looking right now. You need to give yourself time and figure out what it really is you are looking for, in a man.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

I would first take that as they are not over the past relationship, are somewhat bitter and are giving you a warning to not expect too much emotional bonding from them or a serious relationship. I think he’s also telling you in his way that getting pregnant isn’t going to make him think anymore of a relationship than is already going on.

Adagio's avatar

@shalom ” ... primarily because I’m into another guy that I’m trying to get over and the next best thing is to find someone interesting that I’m comfortable being around to focus my attention on. :(”

What about focusing your attention on yourself, the other route sounds a little like rebound behaviour, a way of not facing up to the fact that when it comes down to it we are responsible for our own lives, we might cover that up for awhile but it will always come back and back and back and back…

shalom's avatar

@Neizvestnaya That’s interesting – because I got that vibe, that he is warning me not to expect too much emotional bonding / serious relationship because he said, “I don’t even know what love is…...”. Yes, you are right about me overanalyzing but I tend to be right about certain gut feelings further down. I took that to mean he may be a closet gay, that he can’t find love (at 49, I’m in my early 30s) in relationships with women and he’s soul-searching. (Later on I discover he is very comfortable with gay art and gay men and seem to ask more questions about my male friends than female friends.)

@cak I tell myself I’ve stopped looking because I generally treat all men I meet as gay guys; it makes me feel safer to be open, trusting, caring, candid around them like I would with other females, being myself, being “sassy” even, as I’ve been told. And after years of avoiding having any interest in men, bam, one appears that fits the pattern. This is only the second man I’ve fancied in a 7 year period. I’ve regarded most men as platonic friends.

The only men who are interested in me are men who feel lonely and feel as if they don’t have as many opportunities to meet women and spend time with one (due to combination of personality, work, travel).

I really don’t know how to figure out what it really is I am looking for in a man – obviously the things I’m looking for fit back into my pattern.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

I wouldn’t scratch beyond the surface if I were you, it’s too easy to meet a much less drama-tized man.

cak's avatar

@shalom: I think, at least from my experience, that we know what we want, but when we are trying to find someone, it becomes clouded by people we meet. I met my husband (2nd and wonderful) when I least expected. We truly became friends and dating just was easy. Almost 10 years later, we are happier with every single day that passes.

It’s hard. It gets harder when it seems like there is no one out there worth that extra effort. He’s there, you will find him when you are meant to find him.

I hope you didn’t find my response above, snotty. I was typing on something I hate to type on. (one of those i thingy gadgets. I’m meant for a regular keyboard!)

shalom's avatar

@cak Even with a vivid imagination I would not be able to find above, snotty. Thank you, for your words.

I am also wondering if I am closet-gay – perhaps that is why I don’t know what to want in a man. It is not that I’ve not had men who truly care for me but there’s no chemistry and attraction. I also believe we have to be the person we want to attract, to be worthy of that other person and perhaps I don’t know myself well enough.

A man I once dated (my first “long-term” relationship back in college) and am still very good friends with, told me he thinks I’m closet gay because I haven’t had that desire to date and hook up with men. He knows women quite well (two sisters, a mom) – oh, and he turned out to be gay after all.

What might be worth pointing out is that when I shared a little fact that my that ex asked me a few years back if I wanted to get married (I already had a child with a different man, he was under pressure to get married and hide the fact he’s gay), this new crush asked, “Yeah, but even if you had gotten married and you found out he was gay, that still wouldn’t change the fact that you guys are best friends, right?”

Anyway, I’m starting to have a feeling this new crush is gay, though he doesn’t admit it yet, but I noticed certain things when I’m with him, and my girlfriend sensed the vibe too. (We’re known fag hags). If that is true, then it confirms this pattern I have : that what I want is what I had with my first long-term BF; an awesome, close, fun, caring, loving, unconditional relationship with a man – but, hopefully, straight.

But I think due to my personality makeup I may never be able to attract straight men who fit what I want. I do know what I want – I guess. But what I want comes in a package tagged, “gay man”. Perhaps that could be my next question.

SpatzieLover's avatar

@shalom This makes me wonder what makes gay men so attractive to you? Is it that they don’t objectify you? Don’t oogle you? hmmm…

I think you really need to consider what characteristics you find attractive in a partner and begin focusing on that when you chose to date someone. The person should at their core have the same values and ideals you have. The straight men you seem to be attracting don’t seem to be what you are looking for.

shalom's avatar

Gay men can appreciate female beauty and sexuality without needing to take out his lust on her. There can be lots of flirting, sexual tension, seduction which to me, is artistic and sexually fun but to straight men they focus completely on the sexual act at the first sign of flirting. And when men have this glazed look coz they’re horny they are not fun anymore. Everything they say, do – becomes premeditated.

I also like performing arts, fashion, artistic makeup (not daily makeup) fine art, – a lot of things that straight men are not much into. So in terms of things in common that I enjoy, straight men don’t enjoy them as much.

Gay men also appreciate women who are themselves whereas straight men, whether they realize it or not, have a conception of what a woman is and how a female should be.

Overall, it’s easy to be “one of the girls” with a gay man; go shopping, wear makeup, play pretend and dress-up, do artistic things, be spontaneous. A straight man just doesn’t get most of my humor, my aspirations, my moods, my emotions. Gay men are also more appreciative of women who show emotions whereas straight men feel uncomfortable with women showing emotion. A gay man doesn’t feel as if he needs to be a “hero/protector/provider” which then allows me to be all of me – my own hero, my own protector, my own provider.

Overall, I think I’m attracted to gay men because we can be ourselves in an intimate, fun, relationship. When I’m with a straight man and things start to get fun on the first or second date the sexual tension gets too strong (for him). He focuses all of himself on the sexual act and the conversations, actions, etc become calculated, so fake, so superficial. He stops being his authentic self because he wants to “put on a masculine image”, he stops allowing his vulnerabilities to show. Even gifts come with strings attached, not from creative, spontaneous affection.

I may be wrong but I’ve had better experiences with gay men than with straight men. Straight men almost always want sex from the second date, even if they don’t ask for it, but all their actions point to that. Straight men cannot enjoy the prolonged friendship, conversations, revealing vulnerabilities, having compassion, being authentic, exposing and exploring ourselves with relation to each other, the foreplay, flirting, intimacy, seduction, the caring, the going through good and bad together,the openness and sincerity- all that creative interaction and play. But perhaps I am just unlucky because I am sure many women get to enjoy these in relationships/marriages with straight men.

SpatzieLover's avatar

What I read were a lot of generalizations…but I know a lot of straight men that are not “the norm”. My man loves the arts, isn’t too into sports, and my list could go on. We’ve always spent oodles of time at museums together.

You seem to be thinking that straight men are the opposite of gay men. That’s not true, but it may be why you aren’t satisfied with the men you are dating.

Maybe you could ask a gay friend to set you up with a straight guy he knows?

Otherwise, I recommend you branch out and find yourself a “geek”, a “nerd”, or a “brainy shy guy”. All of the ones I know want a woman to be their friend prior to having a sexual relationship.

shalom's avatar

I think it might be worth mentioning that I come from a tiny Asian country and I’m surrounded by chauvinistic Asian men. Gender roles are still typically rigid around here. But yes they are generalizations but the population is small here and the more interesting men have stayed back at the countries they went to and fallen for Western women / women from elsewhere.

Straight men, even more so foreign (Western men) think that every sincere, open, friendly, bubbly girl is in for that….(makes italic for ‘that’) and not that we just really want to have a good time.

I’d very much like a geek but I’m not geeky myself, I’m sure geeks won’t like me. They will never think of asking me out because they think I would reject them (not true). I met a brainy, shy guy just recently but guess what – he’s American and he’s decided to take a job back home. There are no brainy-shy-guys from my country. The brainy ones leave for greener pastures; those who do remain here think they’re God’s gift to women.


SpatzieLover's avatar

@shalom Maybe it’s time to move :) Just joking with you. Really I think you are looking in the wrong places.

I am certainly not a geek, but am married to one. It’s a good balance. I’m emotional, he’s logical. I know life, social skills, family rearing, he knows books and computers and general science.

Maybe it’s time for you to be the initiator. Geeks and nerds tend to be shy. You need to ask them out.

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