Why are the snow shovels off their feed?

It’s snow shovel spawning season. All of the energy held in fat reserves they’ve built up over the winter feasting on snow is now being directed toward one overriding objective: mating, after which they will go to the basement to die. In the early summer, the cycle will renew as the first little kitty litter scoops will poke their handles through the shells.
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Where does a flame go when it goes out?

To a hot party, of course!

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What is the sound of one hand clapping?

The sound my hand makes when it hits my arm.

Do clouds have feelings?

Yes, they cry when they are happy and when they are sad.

Where do the socks go when you put them in the dryer and they are no where to be found?

They have been cruelly mauled by the turtlenecks and the suspenders…(Those rowdy ruffians)
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Why did the mayonnaise begin to cry?

Colonel Mustard hurt her feelings—with a cruelty that can only be described as stone ground.
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What do parrots say to each other when no one is listening?

“Man, I so fucking NEED a cracker.”

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What’s to stop you from asking your gym teacher out?

I don’t have one, and when I did, his last name was Fanny. I mean, really.

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What would happen if you put milk flavored cereal in chocolate milk?

You’d have double milk double chocolate—at least a couple of times.
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Where do flowers go when they die?

In the ground, just like us?
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“There is a big stone. Do you consider it to be inside or outside your mind?” [Zen koan]

Stones are outside but stoned is inside.

What do dogs do when humans aren’t looking?

Dogs aren’t really there when no one is looking

Why did the cloniff embarg?

Just for the halibut
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How many inches does a penguin weigh?

Penguins don’t weigh, silly, they whey. With curds. But only during the summer.
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Does this saddle make my butt look big?

That was your butt? I thought you were sitting on a cushion.
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What kind of bread do you use to unclog the toilet?

You use open sesame buns.

Whose car in the best burritos?

Tico taco carwash and TV repair

Why is the place you park the car called a Driveway and road you drive on called an Parkway?

Because the Goldfinches like sunflower seeds, duh.

Why did God put a recreation area so close to a waste disposal area?

Because so many of us have potty mouth!
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Are the mutated sea bass ill tempered?

Of course not, they’re too busy scaring everyone out of eating them. They’re quite happy.

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If jell-o and hair gel are cousins, who’s their grandmother?

Ever see There’s Something about Mary?

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What’s the difference between an elephant and a postage stamp?

Elephants like to eat peanuts and there’s a lot of nuts working at the post office licking postage stamps, hence the term “going postal.” Maybe it’s because some of the employees are actually eating the packing peanuts and licking too many postage stamps laced with LSD.

Have you ever watched a movie or listened to a song then thought to yourself, gosh I could’ve had a V-8?

Cars. They had lots of v-8’s.

Is your grass greener over the moon?

Train pipes.

Badger paint flies are going?

Certainly they’re coming to Wisconsin, the badger state.

Fleas fleeing for what porpoise?

Dolphinitely they are fleaing for the seazen.

How much wood can a woodchuck chuck?

In Fluther, @AstroChuck holds the answer.

Where’s the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?

Pretty much gone away. Penicillin, I think.

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Why can’t we all just get a long dogie?

Because our feet are too small.

Why is there air?

They are expecting baby snow shovels…

@Mz_Lizzy you were s’pose to ask a question ;P

@Summum Because without ‘air we’d be bald.
Who says you are great ate?

oops .. sorry @SpatzieLover. Been reading manuscripts from the 1830s for the last day and my brain is fried….

Okay try again following instructions.

They are expecting baby snow shovels…

How do you tell the gender of a baby snow shovel?

You check out its handle.

again Who says you are great ate?

Who’s been talking about my ate?! Well, I’ll tell you, whoever it is will be regretting that they did so when they get my size sevens up their nine!

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What happens to the cats and dogs after they decide to become rain?

They become a famous idiom, of course.
Why did the raven rant?

Because they had something to crow about.

Who put the overalls in Mrs. Murphy’s chowder?

I can’t hear ya so speak a little louder.

Why does the sky have sun beams AND moon beams ?

It’s beaming with pride.

What do rainbows and mice have in common?

They both dance with the Chippendales.

Why do colorless green ideas sleep so furiously?

Because they keep trying to reach their indigo dreams, but they never can.
What is the taste that you can see?

Political commercials.
How do the tree frogs paint the town?

upside down

what did the umbrella say to purple?

I red you were blue.

What did you do with your extra ears?

Well, they were all ears, right? I told them a story!

How did the goat rock the boat?

How could the goat rock the boat? He was just a kid!

Where do elbows play?

At edge of the table theaters.

Is it ok to please cheese?

As long as you don’t cut it.

Why did that chicken cross the road?

It didn’t. The road crossed the chicken.

What did the jelly say to the jam?

Can you plum me in?

Eko ecko acko ito ic?

There’s Kleenex in the bathroom.

When an ant cries a river, where are the hoodlums?

In both places at the same time.
How can you help deaf chords hear?

By lightening their heavy lobes.
When is a tree like a bicycle?

When it leaves.
Turtles tout frogs fishing for what reason?

Because they are turt-touters.

Kespreshi alpreshi i i ?

Si. No. Oui Oui.
Is it alright to fiddle the faddle?

Only if you twiddle the twaddle first.
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Doughnuts or donuts for Robots?

Donuts for robots and doughnuts for roughbots…

Where does the Lone Ranger take his trash?

He dumps it in the Dale.

Do eagles get sore when they soar?

actually, to the dump, to the dump, to the dump, dump, dump

It’s always a good idea to know the answer before you ask the question.

@picante “Do eagles get sore when they soar?”

It depends on how rough the wind is.
Can a can can can?

Only if the cha cha chas (?)

If one horse is in a field, and another horse is running down the road, which horse is singing “Don’t Fence Me In”?

The one who knows the lyrics (?)
If I had a dime for every silly answer I’ve written here, how much money would I have?

No, neither one, horses can’t sing…
Looks like about .70 cents, if I count your posts correctly.

If you call a tail a leg, how many legs does a sheep have?

‘A tail a leg, a tail a leg’ That’s done it, now the legs have sheep.

Can you get mince on Mars?

No, just four legs…Just because you call a tail a leg, doesn’t mean it is one…
Only at the finer Martian hotels, where they leave them on the Martian pillows…

How do you make an elephant float?

Put it in a very big glass of soda!

What’s so special about salt and pepper?

There are a few answers possible here. But the right one is because they make your food sing if you add them in the correct proportions. Seriously, try it.

What happens if you bungle a bugle?

It is blat-blat- BLAT.

Will the rain hurt the Rhubarb?

Everyone from the midwest asks me that. That’s not Rhubarb, it’s Swiss Chard.

How many pancakes will it take to tile the roof of my dog’s house.

It depends on whether he is a poodle.

How many carpenters does it take to bake a cake?

Do the have enough nails?

How how the Sun ALWAYS raise in the East?

Cuz ice cream no haz bones.

Does everyone in Texas know Willie?