General Question

Written's avatar

There's a gap in my emotions. Am I missing love?

Asked by Written (825points) March 22nd, 2011

Here’s the thing. For a few months now, I’ve been feeling kinda, bad. It’s not as bad as it could be, but it’s not enjoyable. Now, what makes no sense to me is, things are great! Great everywhere. There are no problems in my life. I have everything I could ever wish fore. [material/emotional wise]

Yet. There is a gap I can’t close. The gap kinda opened when I was in love [still kinda am] with girl from my class, however, I’m in her friend zone, so, making a move would only make things worse.

Is it, love, that I’m missing? On one hand, it could be, but on the other, I doubt it would be something so, ’‘absurd’’. For me, it’s the classic story. [I’m her best friend, we love being around each other, but she wants to have a separate dude for a boyfriend and a separate one for intellectual conversations and what not which we have on a daily basis. Alone. Every night.]

It keeps me up at night. There was this, rough period in the end of 2010, when the whole love thing was at it’s roughest, which led to some serious depression, failure at school etc.

From the beginning of 2011, I broke lose of those ’‘chains’’, and this is honestly one of the best beginnings of the year I can remember. Just, something, a small thing that pokes my brain day and night is missing.

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21 Answers

Kardamom's avatar

It sounds like you are feeling a little bit of anxiety and depression and “love sickness.” You are clearly in love with this young lady and she doesn’t feel the same way about you. This, my friend is what drives every good love song that has come down the pike from time immemorial.

Since she doesn’t feel the same way about you, your best bet is to back off from her little by little (don’t drop her like a hot rock, because she’s probably a nice person) But if you continue to hang around with her, it is likely that you will not soon get over her, and you might make her eventually get sick of you acting all lovey-dovey around her (even though you might not even realize that you are doing that).

You can still be friends with her, just limit your time and communications with her. In the meantime, start doing more things with your other friends (male and female and in groups) that you don’t love in that way. Do things that you like, go to places that are of interest to you and you are likely to meet some new young lady that will hopefully feel the same way about you.

Life is a crapshoot, you can’t control how you will feel about any particular person, or how they will feel about you. But it’s usually best to avoid putting yourself continually into a situation where you know the other person (this particular young lady) doesn’t feel the same way about you. And you will likely get better results if you go about your business doing things that you already like and that are important to you, and where you know there will be other people around that are likely to have common interests and common goals. In other words, swim in the pool that has the type of fish that you are looking for. Even if you don’t hook one, you’ll still be enjoying yourself and doing what is important for you.

Written's avatar

Thing is, I think she does have feelings for me. It’s even logical. People said that we are literally made for each other, even after the first few days after we’ve all met. She doesn’t allow people to get to know her, but she allowed me.

I know her better then she knows herself. I’m the best friend she ever had. It would be logical for me to back off after no signs, but…

Kardamom's avatar

@Written Believe me, you don’t know her better than she knows herself. You wish you did, but that’s simply not possible. Because you are infatuated or in love with her, you see what you want to see, and don’t see what you don’t want to see. She’s probably a perfectlly fine young lady, but because of your feelings for her, you are kind of putting her up on a pedestal. Part of her allure to you is that she is slightly mysterious. But mysterious people cannot be known better by anyone except themselves. She is slightly mysterious because she does’t allow people to get to know her. She shows to you, a side of her that she wants you to see.

It’s not a good sign that she “doesn’t allow people to get to know her” even if she does let you know. Don’t get involved with someone who is that “troubled” or “anxious” that she can’t let anyone else in. Don’t get involved with any one who needs to be “rescued.”

You probably are the best friend that she’s ever had, but if she doesn’t feel passion or romantic love toward you, then she can easily string you along for a long, long time, because she knows that you will do certain things for her and “act” like a boyfriend, but she won’t have any responsibility toward a “real relationship” with you. In other words, she can get all of the goodies from you, without having to risk being in a real relationship.

If you actually think that she might feel the same way about you (even if she hasn’t come right out and said so) then I think you owe it to yourself to march right over there and ask her. If she hems and haws or says she doesn’t know, that means NO. Or if she makes some excuse for why she can’t go out with you, that means NO. Unfortunately girls are taught not to say no directly, because they don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Unfortunately, not being direct and honest up front with people causes all sorts of hurt feelings due to mis-communication.

You can probably find out for sure if she likes you in the same way that you like her (in a romantic manner) then go over there tonight, or tomorrow and tell her that you’ve felt romantically inclined towards her for awhile now and ask her if she feels the same way about you and if she would like to go out for coffee or a walk with you, so that you can discuss it a little more.

Like I said before, if she says she doesn’t know, or can’t seem to give an answer, that means (in girl speak) NO. She will let you know for sure if she does have romantic feelings toward you. It will be quite clear, because she will say so.

Written's avatar

Ah, that. I did that [the pedestal thing] in 2010. Back then, she was an angel. Now, I clearly see her faults. And I don’t mind them.

Thing is, I really do know her better then she knows herself. She told me that herself many times, even today, when [long story]. I know what’s troubling her, I know her. I probably know her because we are incredibly alike. She can’t explain [neither can I] how I understand her that well.

She’s not mysterious at all. She has extra energy, she runs around everywhere each day. She doesn’t let people to know her because she is afraid of getting hurt. It’s not because she’s mysterious or, something like that.

The last part of your message is, sadly, correct. If she truly felt exactly like I did, she would’ve clearly shown it. Oh, and, huge thanks for taking away your time to write all the helpful text. :) Huge thanks.

Kardamom's avatar

@Written I wish I could have known a guy like you when I was in school. You sound really nice and sweet and romantic. I fell for completely un-attainable fellows. Boys that preferred my best friend, boys that already had girlfriends, boys that didn’t think I was pretty, boys that liked boys, and boys that just looked upon me as a friend and not as girlfriend material etc. I spent most of my high school years swooning and crying over my lack of love life. I wish I’d spent more of it on my studies and activities.

I’m still sticking with the idea that you cannot ever know someone better than they know themselves. It sounds wonderful and romantic and heroic, but you are just telling her what she’s already telling you. She says things, and does things and “puts out information” to you. Most romantic people have big idealistic ideas about how things “are” and how things “feel.” You want to feel like you and she are incredibly alike, but if you looked around you, you’d notice that most young people that live in the same city, go to the same school and know the same group of people, that you are all incredibly alike. Only with this young lady (because she’s still living up there on that pedestal for you) you only see the great, beautiful, wonderful things that you have in common with her. You have those things in common with all sorts of other girls too, but you are not in love with them, so you don’t notice.

And it’s ok to say that you don’t mind her faults, because you probably don’t see many of them. And because she’s probably a pretty nice young lady, she probably doesn’t have many faults to begin with. But if she were to tell you that she doesn’t love you, or if she suddenly fell for someone else, you would be able to rapidly and clearly see her faults. Even if she doesn’t actually have many faults.

When people are in love, they see all sorts of wonderful things in the other person and ignore anything that’s negative. Or to satisfy someone like me, who is on the outside, they’ll make up a few little “faults” (for my benefit) so it’s seems like I’m wrong. The fact that she might bite her nails or say like a few too many times, is not a fault.

I just don’t want you to have to go through some of the crap that I did, when I was young and hoping to find a perfect person to love. When you are wearing “love goggles” it is almost impossible to see things clearly. I have done and said things for love, that make me cringe now, when I look back on them. I have had my heart broken, more than a few times, and often the heart break was made worse by the fact that I didn’t see what was actually going on. And because I wanted something that I could clearly not have. I just don’t want you to have to go through any more pain than you have to.

She may feel the same way about you romantically, but the only way you will find that out is to ask her directly, and the sooner the better. Don’t let this thing drag on for another year without your finding out. If she does feel the same way, you can start a brand new, next level relationship with her. If she doesn’t, then you can call it a day and start moving on to the next phase of your life, without her.

Either way, wouldn’t you rather find out now?

XYZZYtja's avatar

I really enjoyed reading the answer from Karamom. And I totally agree. Find out as soon as possible, to be honest, I was in the same situation. I had a girl who I too enjoyed too be around with, and I liked her a lot too, just like you are describing, I knew I had to ask her if she was “in-love” with me too, sadly enough I did let her see that I’m in-love with her, but she just wanted us to be friends, and i was totally cool with that, you probably also have the feeling, that when she says no, you will end the friendship with her forever, well that wasn’t the case with me, but that is something you have to deside for yourself, if she says no what then? Can I be around her without that “in-love” feeling, just like friends? Or can’t I, if you can’t just don’t see her that much again, and just build it downwards… I don’t see the girl I was in-love with back then all too often now, but I can tell you, she still invited me for her birthday in a couple of weeks, just because she enjoyed the time she had with me. And I did with her too.

So, you are really in-love then tell her, if she doesn’t feel the same about you, then just be honest with her, and say that you also want to hang around with other people, and meet girls and that she made you feel that you had a shot at love with her. Which u actually didn’t… In her point of view.

If she truly is your friend, she will understand… (Or am I saying a bad thing here?)
I hope my information was a bit of help for you bro!
Let us know what your going to do.

Written's avatar

I’m only compatible with her.I put her down from the pedestal some time ago, but things other then that, stayed the same. I can’t ignore the truth, I can’t ignore the fact that from all the women I know, she’s the only one that actually interests me not because of physical attraction, but with what’s inside.

I’m probably still wearing some broken love goggles. Thing is, a bunch of my friends were in the same, hole as I am/was, but they were in love with really flawed girls, out of pure physical attraction.

Dunno. I guess the only step that I could and should take is to tell her. After that, hope for the best.

@Kardamom Being nice and romantic never really got me anywhere. The nice guy never get’s the girl. Girls today don’t really want romance. Even they don’t know what they want. Confused, little creatures. :)

Kardamom's avatar

@Written You are not compatible with only her. You just want her so badly that you spend all of your waking hours thinking (and obsessing) about her. I’m guessing that you haven’t dated a lot of girls (I would hope not, if you are still in school) and so you really don’t have enough experiences to compare it with. And because you are so focused on this one girl, you probably haven’t had a lot of other close friendships with other girls. You’ve convinced yourself that this one particular girl is the only girl for you and you’ve shut yourself off to other wonderful possibilities. That’s not fair to you, or to your friend, or to other young ladies that might enjoy your company. And I know that you are trying to convince me that she’s not on a pedestal for you, but it is clear to me that she is.

There are tons (millions) of girls out there that desperately want romance and a nice guy. But you have picked a girl that is, in your words “a confused little creature.” I don’t believe that she or the other girls at your school are all that confused. Sometimes young ladies have a difficult time saying out loud what they really want. Females are conditioned from birth to keep quiet and to go along with the flow and they never learn how to say “no” properly or ask for what they really want, because they might get rejected by a boy or punished from their parents. But girls really do know what they want, they might just be too shy or embarrassed to say it out loud. You’d be doing yourself a great service if you got over the notion that girls are “confused little creatures.”

You say that many of your friends have been in the same boat with girls. That’s probably because they chose the girl on her looks and were sorely disappointed when the girl’s personality didn’t measure up. Most young guys choose girls mostly because of their looks and don’t even want a real relationship anyway, they mostly want to get laid. And most girls want friendship and romance, but have a hard time expressing that. And sometimes when they do express that, they get dumped immediately.

You have no idea whether or not you are compatible with other girls, because you aren’t involved with them, you haven’t dated a lot and you aren’t interested in meeting other girls or just hanging out with them as friends, or getting to know them, because you are only thinking about, dreaming about and hoping for this one particular girl to fall in love with you. It’s kind of pretentious to say that you can’t be compatible with other girls. That’s why I keep telling you that your young lady friend is up on a pedestal for you. You can’t/won’t see that there are plenty of other people out there looking for love and friendship. That’s why I said you have on love goggles.

I understand that what you want is quite different from what the average young guy wants. You are looking for friendship and love, and that is what most young ladies are looking for too. I think that you believe that most girls are not looking for kindness and romance, only because you have been hurt before. I’m here to tell you that most girls desperately want love and friendship and romance. But no one can predict with whom they will fall in love. It’s not something that can be forced.

I’ve had plenty of male friends with whom I was very compatible with, but I didn’t feel love in the romantic way for them. And I’ve been on the other side of that coin too, where I felt a clear and obvious attraction for them, but they liked me as a good friend only.

You said that being nice and romantic never got you anywhere. Well it sounds like it got you a really nice friend! But you are discounting the friendship part, because this girl hasn’t told you that she’s in love with you (maybe she is, maybe she isn’t). You also haven’t gotten very far with other girls by being nice and romantic, because you simply haven’t actually attempted that enough times, because you are so focused on this one particular girl. You are still in school, so I would imagine that you haven’t tried the nice and romantic bit on 10 other girls, right? Being nice and romantic is a skill that gets better with practice. Desperation is a trait that often goes along with nice-ness and romance, but desperation is one trait that will drive off females very quickly. A good sense of humor (not sarcasm, though) coupled with friendship and romance is the most luscious combination of traits a young man (or a middle aged man or an old man) can possess. The alternative is that you become a rude, mean douche-bag. Believe me, women of quality do not appreciate that. The example is Charlie Sheen. He’s got a lot of women alright, but they’re hookers and gold diggers.

And I cannot stress highly enough the fact that no one (not me or you or your friend) can make themselves fall in love. But it is still better to be a kind and loving and funny and romantic and decent person (minus the desperation) so when that right one comes along, you can be the best boyfriend/husband you can be, instead of becoming a douche-bag. If sex is the only thing you want, then being a douche-bag is pretty succesful. But I think you want more than that and have more than that to offer.

You should ask another generalized question to all the female flutherites in here to see if they wanted a good guy for a husband or whether they prefer a douche-bag.

I know this is hard and painful and that you have deep feelings for this young lady. But please don’t write off every other female, and don’t even attempt to compare other females to this girl. All girls are different and they also have a lof of wonderful things to give and share with a guy, some of those things you may never know about if you don’t give them a chance too. And most girls (not all) really do want romance and friendship, but you can’t make anyone fall in love with anyone else. Don’t ever make generalizations about people or it will serve to destroy you. Learn now, while you are young, that there are lots and lots and lots of wonderful people who have wonderful qualities to offer and there are many, many people that will be compatible with you, and you may learn things about them and yourself that you never knew existed until you allowed yourself to know.

So go over to your friend’s house with your head held high, let her know how you feel about her and ask her if she feels the same way. If she does, yahoo! If she doesn’t then realize that you are about to start a new journey to find someone who does.

Sorry this is so long, but I felt like I had to give you a mental shake! I could feel you sliding back down into your lovelorn slump. So stand up, and I’ll help to give you a push.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

You sound a bit obsessive. You must have a life that doesn’t only revolve around love even if love is what you’re missing.

Written's avatar

@Kardamom Words cannot describe how thankful I am. Yeah. I guess you’re right. I did get a few offers a while back, which I turned down, because of, well, you know. Thanks again. Thanks. :)

@Simone_De_Beauvoir Of course I sound obsessive about love, I don’t intend to speak about other aspects of my life in a question that’s about love, right?

silent4geeta's avatar

Will you marry me !!? i am so kidding , tried to read this all but wow lol i am having the same question now about my life in love hmm lol .

Written's avatar

Ask it and we will do our best to help out. :)

XYZZYtja's avatar

@Written If you got some offers a while back, why not ask them instead now? They will probably say yes if they asked you first ^^,

Written's avatar

@XYZZYtja Well, some of those girls are now taken. And plus, it’s kinda, can’t find the right word, [lame?] not fair me asking them out, after I’ve said no to them. I mean, if a girl said no to me, in a nice or bad way, [doesn’t really matter, a no is a no] I wouldn’t give her a second chance. :S

MilkyWay's avatar

Boy,,do you sound like a lovesick puppy.
It’s really awkward when you like someone so much and they don’t feel the same way.
My advice to you would be not to smother her.Trust me…I know when you like someone you feel like doing things for them all the time and you wanna know what’s going on in their lives every minute of the day.
But being a girl I can honestly say that this girl will start to find you annoying if you do.
Also, try, when you both decide to hang out, to do something fun that includes only the two of you.This is only if you are wanting to try to get her interested.
Being a close friend of hers., you must know what kinda guy she likes.If you think that guy can be you with some minor alterations then maybe you could get her that way.
If you find that her ideal guy is quite a bit far from what you are, then I would suggest that you leave it be.
Just remember that whatever you do….Be subtle : )
Hope this helps and please don’t hesitate to ask us all, we’d love to help : D

Written's avatar

@queenie It’s been solved, but thanks. :)

iamthemob's avatar

Since it sounds like it’s been solved, but I’ll throw in the towel just in case – and I think it’s something that doesn’t depend on you still feeling like you’re missing something.

Eventually, the good guy DOES get the girl: the good one. The one who’s ready and grown up enough to understand herself, and to understand that drama isn’t romance – it’s drama.

As people grow up with their relationships, and figure out their own feelings, they start to understand what it is their really looking for, and what it is they’re actually getting. Some take longer for others and some don’t realize until it’s too late – and yes, some don’t realize ever. In any case I don’t believe in the whole “right person” myth in the way that there’s a right person out there for everyone. No, there are a bunch of right people out there – it’s all a matter of meeting them at the right time for both of you.

It sounds like everyone knows that this is the right girl for you, even perhaps her – it’s clear that it’s not, however, the right time. Maybe one day it will be.

Kardamom's avatar

@Written You said it’s solved. Did you talk to her?

Written's avatar

@iamthemob Shesh. In a wide palette of realistic answers, you give a one that’s optimistic. :) [although true]

Thing is .You said, eventually. You said it correctly. I’m smarter then to wait a few years for ’‘the window’’ [a metaphor for an opportunity, just to clarify] to open. I decided to close my window a few days ago. It’s getting cold. :)

@Kardamom No, not yet, but, when I meant solved, I meant the feelings are are set straight. Now, I know what to do, and how to do it. :) Thanks to you. [and a few others of course]

Kardamom's avatar

@Written That’s good to hear. Please keep us updated.

iamthemob's avatar

@Written – Whether it could happen “eventually” doesn’t mean you shouldn’t close the window. Indeed…you should have closed it, and that was a good thing.

Move on because that’s what you have to do. You can’t predict the future, is what I’m saying – simply moving on now doesn’t mean that at some point in the future, you’ll both be single, both be ready, and both be able to start a new relationship.

Waiting for that, or hoping for it, or letting it determine your future moves may be a way to make that less likely. Live your life, as she has to live hers. But anything’s possible.

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