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chelle21689's avatar

What are some reasons why a guy doesn't pay for a girl on dates?

Asked by chelle21689 (7645points) March 29th, 2011

If they like a girl, have money, and not in debt?

I’ve been seeing someone for the past 5 weeks and he has never offered to pay for me. He pays for himself though which is refreshing because I had a broke ex. He works 54 hours a week as an Auto Technician at Lexus. My friend even told me he does very well for just age 21. I’m not a gold digger at all but I’m just wondering why he doesn’t ever offer to pay for me.

It’s not a big deal even though everyone says it’s a deal breaker for them. Just curious. I paid a beer for him at the bar once to be nice and let him know it’s okay to pay once in a while without saying it. He’s never even paid $3 for me. He seems to really like me though for calling me every night.

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34 Answers

MyNewtBoobs's avatar

Because he’s trying not to assume that simply because you’re a woman, you need him to pay for things?

aprilsimnel's avatar

I don’t think any of us can make a real assumption as to why. I think you’re going to have to ask him.

chyna's avatar

Maybe I’m in the wrong generation, but I think the guy should pay for some of the dates. Not all of them, but if he asks you to dinner, he should pay. Especially if he is making more money than you. He is getting the best of both worlds. He is dating without having to pay a cent.

chelle21689's avatar

Nope, not the wrong generation. All my female friends go on dates and the guys pay for them. My guy friends say they pay for their dates…they even try to pay for me sometimes and they don’t pursue me.

chyna's avatar

Honestly, it would be a deal breaker for me also, but since you said it’s no big deal, then I’d continue seeing him. But I would not pay for his dinner, drinks or anything else. It seems you might’ve been paying for your ex to go out with you, but there is no reason for you to pay for dates.

chelle21689's avatar

I’ve never paid for a date. I just bought him ONE beer to maybe have him think it’s okay to pay for small things ya know? He’s a good guy and nothing is wrong but I’m curious.

chyna's avatar

Sorry, didn’t mean to say the wrong thing. You said you had a broke ex, so I was assuming you might have paid for some dates out with him.

chelle21689's avatar

Oh yeah with my ex I paid a lot. Sorry for the confusion lol But even with my broke ex, he tried to pay for some things.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

Perhaps he is just cheap. ;)

lonelydragon's avatar

Your confusion is understandable. I believe that whoever initiaties the date should pay for it, or if one or both people don’t have much money, they should agree to go Dutch.

It does seem that he likes you. Maybe he just wasn’t brought up traditionally, so he either isn’t aware/doesn’t believe in the convention of paying for a date. You could give him a little more time and see how things go, since you say this isn’t a deal breaker.

chelle21689's avatar

He initiates phone calls and texts, he goes out of his way to pick me up, soo it’s like he’s got the whole “guy” thing down except for paying. He doesn’t seem cheap with himself or his family…Someone made a suggestion that maybe he’s been burned by girls that used him for money in the past.

mcsnazzy's avatar

I think because they don’t want to assume that they should pay. Some women are offended when the men feel they have to pay for a date. sometimes a halfway split is good :)

creative1's avatar

maybe make a suggestion of taking turns paying, maybe this will give him some sort of hint… Other than that I would sit down and talk to him and find out where his mind is at when it goes to this, maybe he thinks dutch is the way to go.

SpatzieLover's avatar

Well, once you meet his parents you may find the real answer to this question. Do you know any of his friends? Could you find this out from him directly?

I happen to be “old fashioned” here. First date=Guy pays. After that payment can be dutch or as the couple decides.

I wouldn’t trust someone that I was dating to not offer to pay at least once in a while.

jca's avatar

I have never had this happen. I have had occasions when I bought back, when I bought the person a dinner after they had bought for me, because I am into reciprocation, but i honestly would find it baffling, too, if the person never paid for me, ever. I would probably be annoyed. Call me old fashioned.

chelle21689's avatar

Yeah, he introduced me to all his friends now. I haven’t met his family yet.

SpatzieLover's avatar

BTW- I’m one of those women that has a lot of guy friends. I don’t know a single one of them that doesn’t initiate payment. Maybe this is a regional thing?

DarlingRhadamanthus's avatar

Hmm…He’s straight…and British, maybe?


Moegitto's avatar

It depends. He might not be financially stable. Is it that he doesn’t even try to go towards his wallet? Does he actually ask for the lady to pay? Is his overall character good? These are things you need to question to see if he is hiding something. Not saying he IS hiding something, but men always hide their true feelings.

BarnacleBill's avatar

Maybe ask him what shaped his ideas about dating in his formative years. What shaped his ideas of what relationships are supposed to be like. That may be a clue, or at the very least give you an idea of his sociological perception of how relationships are supposed to work. It would be easy to keep the discussion abstract. Start with when you were a kid, what shaped your ideas of what it was to be a teen or adult and dating?

Not offering to pay could come from being short of money while in school and dating girls who had more money than him. He may assume that it’s normal for everyone to pay their own way.

chelle21689's avatar

He is financially stable according to our mutual friend. He never offered to pay and he never asked me to pay. His overall character is good…he is a really nice, polite, and fun guy. I don’t feel like he is hiding anything. These are reasons I could think of…
1. He had gold diggers before….and was burned by that
2. He believes in only paying for his girlfriends (we’re not official)
3. He doesn’t know in the “dating” world it’s polite for a guy to offer at least once…but c’mon every guy knows this! Haha

Even my broke bf paid for little things on dates!

Nullo's avatar

Some guys feel that it’s either sexist or un-PC, and that appearing as either will brand him a monster to be avoided.
@MyNewtBoobs A lot of guys pay because they want to, rather than because they don’t think that the girl can afford it. It demonstrates fiscal wherewithal, which leading researchers consider “kinda important”. It says (or tries to say, since there seem to be communication issues here), “I am able and willing to look after you.”

chelle21689's avatar

Well here’s some background. I just got out of a long term relationship a couple months ago. Me and him have been talking for a month and taking things SLOW. After a month he finally held my hand lol…I’m still not ready to kiss him.

ninjaapantz's avatar

If you’re taking it slow, maybe he is respecting you by not pushing ‘a relationship’ by not offering to pay. But we could be talking about this till the cows come home. Ask him what money means to him in a relationship.

This is my experience with my 1st boyfriend, he used to pay all the time. I was young & he used to abuse me ‘cos he thought it was okay to get his way since he paid. Since that relationship, I make sure I tell the guys I’ve dated that I have ‘money issues’ that it’s not okay to pay & expect to abuse me. It’s great this way ‘cos then they don’t, & those that do – don’t even try.

Cruiser's avatar

He is young enough where he ma be saving up to buy a house….pay for a relatives much needed kidney transplant….or as @lucillelucillelucille said just plain cheap. You need to find out why this young gent is so resistant to parting with his greenbacks and then decide if he is a man to treat you like a lady and pay for a damn drink once every so often. If he can’t spring for a nice meal….IMO find yourself another man.

Blackberry's avatar

There’s a lot of different reasons, which is why you have to ask him. He could just be making sure you’re not a gold digging whore, or he could be a douchebag that uses women as well, and there’s everything in between.

bolwerk's avatar

Usually, the reason he does is to get into her pants. Prostitution is illegal, which leads to indignation like this from misogynists.

That said, if you invite someone somewhere, the polite thing is to pay unless you stipulate otherwise ahead of time (or have an ongoing understanding that you split, like my girlfriend and I have).

sunssi's avatar

I can’t think of an event were I would pay for someone’s else’s meal or drinks on a date, I would expect the same if someone else asked me out.

sunssi's avatar

Just asked my friends on Facebook and maybe it’s just the people I know but they have all came back with the same answer they would split it.

chelle21689's avatar

Wow you guys really would reject a guy if he never pays? lol what if everything else seems good though? Hmm.

MyNewtBoobs's avatar

@chelle21689 I might actually reject a guy if he insisted on paying too much, but never for going dutch.

Blackberry's avatar

Going dutch is the new paying for everything lol. It makes the most sense and it keeps it fair.

nikipedia's avatar

Based on this and your other questions about this guy, I think he might not know you’re dating.

chelle21689's avatar

Well, he’s held my hand, calls me every night, sees me on the weekend, put his arm around my waist, so I don’t know what that is then hahaha. friends hanging out?!

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