Social Question

Lee_27's avatar

Is calling members of the opposite sex all night from work appropriate or not for married people?

Asked by Lee_27 (348points) April 2nd, 2011

So there has been alot of trust issues in our marriage in the past, which we are trying to overcome and I looked at our cellphone call log and discovered my husband has been calling other women while at work all night long. Is this appropriate for a married man or women? Or am I just blowing this out of proportion and its no big deal?

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25 Answers

Quinnk123's avatar

its not appropriate in my opinion you should talk to him about it

faye's avatar

I answered this! Not appropriate at all. Apparently you are the only one trying to work on issues. Time for a long talk, maybe with a divorce lawyer. How much are you willing to put up with?

optimisticpessimist's avatar

IMHO, it is not appropriate unless it is work related. I am guessing because you are checking his cell phone usage the issues in the past are, at least in part, from his side. You are not blowing it out of proportion. If he had a legitimate reason to call, he would have either mentioned it to you or used the work phone. I also think if it were legitimate work related calls it would happen rarely.

Dr_Lawrence's avatar

@Lee_27, I think you already knew before asking that your husbands behaviour is in appropriate for anyone who is at work and for anyone who is married.

Your husband’s behaviour is a form of infidelity and a violation of what most women who consider trustworthy behaviour from a husband.

Have a serious talk with your husband and perhaps with a divorce attorney as well.

Lee_27's avatar

Well his reasoning is that he is a grown man who is allowed to have his own social life and talk to whoever he feels like talking to and it shouldnt matter if these women have feelings for him because he doesnt feel the same way and he cant control how people feel. He says I should just trust him and this is only an issue because I make it an issue.

Lee_27's avatar

@Dr. Lawrence of course I know his behavior is inappropriate but he has a way of spinning everything around to make it seem like im crazy and its not a big deal. He thinks he should be able to be married and text other women all the time and call them and even go hang out with them if he wants. He says he is not my dog to control and I need to grow up. He says he talked to these people before he was married and will continue now. The women he is referring to are women he has been in sexual relationships with or women who.have had strong feelings for him.

optimisticpessimist's avatar

You are not crazy. He is not going to change. He does not want to as he sees nothing wrong with his behavior. So, you can either live with it or leave. If you live with it, you will never be truly comfortable in the relationship unless you come to a point of not caring anymore. This does not lead to a happy or even satisfying life. If you leave, you will hurt but the hurt will eventually go away.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

His reasoning is weak. He’s trying to not be accountable for engaging these women by laying the whole of the interest on them. Are these women longtime platonic friends of his from before the two of you were married? Do you know them? If you are uncomfortable with what he’s doing then 99.9% for sure there’s something going on that’s inappropriate because people in love tend to give each other the benefit of a doubt for just about anything in order to believe ‘everything is fine’; you’re not behind rose colored glasses anymore.

mrentropy's avatar

I don’t think he cares enough about you to be married to you.

Lee_27's avatar

@Neizvestnaya No these are not long time platonic friends, one of the women is a former sex buddy who use to stalk him, sleep over his house supposedly uninvited, and had major feelings for him, the other women is also an old sex buddy who has told me she has feelings for him still.

marinelife's avatar

It is so not appropriate for your husband to spend time on the phone with other women.

jca's avatar

Not appropriate, not acceptable, you are not crazy, he does not deserve to be married to you nor should he be married to anyone, because he wants to do what he wants without any repercussions. On top of that, he wants to make you feel like you are crazy or too strict with your ideas? I recommend you divorce this loser. As someone above said, he is not going to change.

Dutchess_III's avatar

You already know the answer to that. And you know what the future holds….

BarnacleBill's avatar

It’s not a problem if he’s being paid to call other women all night long while at work. I suspect this isn’t his job. So, yes, it’s a problem. He’s not being paid to chat up people on the phone all night, and if he’s married and calling other women, it sounds like he’s interested in cheating if he can get away with it.

chyna's avatar

I feel bad for you that you want confirmation of what you already know. How he is treating you, acting like you are crazy, etc. is a form of abuse. This relationship is not going to last, and if I were you, I would be the one ending it now rather than later. Before he can damage your self esteem any more than he already has. A loving relationship is not like this at all.

cak's avatar

Unfortunately, the trust is gone. You are resorting to snooping and doesn’t have a valid reason for his actions. This is no way to conduct a loving, trusting, relationship.

Judi's avatar

I’ve said this before on fluther but it bears repeating. My husband and I have a rule. Neither of us have friends of the opposite sex that are better friends with us than they are with our spouse.
He is playing mind games with you. The explanations you describe are classic signs of abuse. (I’m talking emotional abuse.)
If I were in your shoes I would draw a line in the sand.
If you choose to stay with him I would suggest you get counseling. First for yourself, to help you figure out how to navigate his spin, and if he will agree, as a couple.
Good luck friend!
This whole situation makes me want to go uggggghhh. Been there years ago and it was so miserable.

FluffyChicken's avatar

completely not OK. and I agree with Judi. Counseling is a great thing that could help you see it from an outsider point of view. it’s so hard to see what’s really going on from the inside of a relationship.

Bellatrix's avatar

It’s inappropriate. End of story. His excuses that he is allowed a social life are just his way of trying to justify his behaviour. Reverse the situation, how would he react if you were acting like this? Remember, people will treat you how you let them treat you. Counselling sounds like a good idea.

dabbler's avatar

Yes it is ok for him to do all that stuff as he describes, just pals communicating and hanging out together. That is in fact healthy, and sure to be a benefit to you too if those relationships help his understanding of your relationship.
—-IF that’s REALLY all that’s going on.
It’s possible and most of us have experienced the frustration of unwarranted jealousy impinging on healthy relationships. On the other hand there are sure a lot of aspects that get hand-wavy dismissive explanations and not real compassionate response. You know the guy better than we do and if you don’t trust his explanations I don’t either.

Judi's avatar

I thought about this all night and it made my blood boil. If he doesn’t want to be treated like a dog he should stop acting like one!

dabbler's avatar

p.s. to my earlier response… he should welcome you to share his friends, introduce you and allow you to do things with them. You don’t have to like them but should be given the chance to check them out and allay your fears. That’s just respectful of your feelings and your relationship, presumably primary, with him. If you give him the space to have friends you don’t like but don’t find threatening to your relationship and he’s still afraid or wary of including you there’s something bogus going on.

jca's avatar

@dabbler: she said he admits that they’re women who have “feelings for him” and women he has had sex with in the past. It sounds like they’re not just friends and this is not “unwarranted jealousy.”

Neizvestnaya's avatar

I don’t see why it’s such a tough concept for people to grasp that if you truly love and respect a partner then you don’t give them any reasons to feel otherwise. C’mon, why on earth would you defend former past sex partners who still have interest to your current partner who is suppose to hold all of your interest?

Like others, I’ve been in your shoes, got the same BS spin about how I must be crazy, jealous, not trusting, blah blah but the truth is what exactly I thought was going on was really going on. I gave the guy the chance to see things from my perspective and then make a choice as to how he wanted to treat friends, acquaintances and distractions in the future.

Nothing wrong with calling the person out and letting them choose to show you what they have to offer for the future. It’s a shame you’re already married because ditching him if he’s still wanting to do these things things will be complicated. Sorry.

Dr_Lawrence's avatar

@Lee_27 I truly feel bad for how you are being treated. Unfortunately, you know what you can expect if you decide to to stay with him and tolerate his conduct.

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