General Question

v1kt07's avatar

How do I convince my wife that I love her?

Asked by v1kt07 (160points) July 31st, 2007 from iPhone

my wife & I got married at 18 9 years later she's drifted awayfeom me days I did the marines for 4 years then college then focussed on getting new job... I didn't realizewhat I was doing go her and now she's talking about divorce this has made me see itall clearly and now I know what I should have been doing and that j love hermore than anything on this earth and want to make up for the years but I'm afraid she doesn't believe I'm sincere.... What do I do??? I'm lost

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39 Answers

v1kt07's avatar

kick her to the curb and get you a princess of the pavement

xaxen's avatar

You move on. Marriage isn't forever anymore.

occ's avatar

Plan a weekend away together, somewhere remote with no distractions, where you can talk through lots of stuff and you can tell her you now understand you need to make some changes--show her you are sincere and would like a second chance. Have some open communication and ask her what else she thinks she needs and ask yourself honestly if you think you can give it to her. You might also want to try marriage counseling if you can afford it. It sounds like a big barrier to your relationship has been time spent apart. See if you can commit to spending more time together, just the two of you.

extolsmith's avatar

Talk is talk. Women speak what they are thinking which is often not what they desire or intend. She is talking so you will react.

So react. Shake her world up and reconnect with her in a new way. Tough it up and honor your committed to her, for when she is weak you are to be strong.

sjg102379's avatar

Couples therapy, if she's willing to work to save the marriage. If she isn't, then there isn't much you can do.

gooch's avatar

Rekindle the relationship.....start to date your bride again I promise it will work.....your marriage is worth saving

mzgator's avatar

Take the time to fall in love with your wife all over again. Believe me the second time around falling in love with your best friend....nothing is better!

maggiesmom1's avatar

Therapy is a good idea. For many women, you can say you want it to work, but it's only through actions will they see your true intentions. If you want to make it work - MAKE IT WORK. That will probably mean sacrificing some of what you want to prove to her that her needs are important to you. Therapy is a great place to start. And listen to her. Work on communicating. Do things that you know are meaningful to her without being asked - like doing the dishes or picking up after yourself. Don't necessarily go overboard on the ROMANCE part of it - figure out what speaks to your wife's heart & do those things. I would recommend the book "The Five Love Languages." Figure out what your wife's love language is & speak to her in it. Probably if she sees you making an effort to be a better husband, she'll be more likely to work with you toward a happy future.

zina's avatar

i agree with the thought here that actions speak louder than words - don't try to convince her verbally, just change your behavior (which is not to say 'don't talk' - you can still ask her about the things she wants to be different, etc)

Supergirl's avatar

I second Maggiesmom1, "The Five Love Languages" completely changed the outlook my significant other and I had on giving and receiving love.

labesilol's avatar

You either have a sit down and a serious conversation about how the marriage has gone wrong, and the things you have realized you could have done, and also her part on it, or you could just move on and learn from your mistakes. If she does not love you any more theres not really much you can do about but to just let her go and find another someone who you will probably dedicate your life to.

nerfmissile's avatar

What are your strengths? Augment and indulge them. What are your weaknesses? Figure out how to let go of them.

You sound doting but misapplied. You sound loyal, sincere and cute… but perhaps there are a shortage of sandwiches at your picnic?

True, marriage isn’t what it used to be. Our global, capitalist culture has become much more demanding… we can’t afford to enjoy life as much, for we have become tools. We are all mercenaries now, and frankly, we cannot afford to stick with jobs or relationships that treat us poorly. We have to change, adapt, and prepare to move on ever more quickly.

When your wife looks at you, she sees the rest of her life and she doesn’t like it. So, why sit there and play the role of yesterday’s luggage?

Engage yourself, find yourself, enjoy your new freedom, give yourself a voice and a meaning apart from her. If you really believe that you “couldn’t possibly live without her”, then you’ll go a long way toward fulfilling that prophecy—but really, why bother? You didn’t come into this world attached to her. Why not be more original, clean up your act, figure out a way to give back to and engage society, make new friends, strengthen your existing friendships and alliances, put some ads out on personals, create some social networking profiles?

Get busy and get fun again. Enjoy life… if she doesn’t need you, then you certainly don’t need her.

ironhiway's avatar

I realise this is an old question but never the less I hope this will help. After my ex wife and I were seperated for about a year I agreed to attend counseling. We agreed to try and although we eventually got divorced it was a great program and had we gone earlier on I believe it would have been even more succesfull for us. It involves an intense weekend and 12 weeks of 1 night a week. I had to drive 800 miles evey week and I did because I could see that I was learning to understand our relationship in a new way. Although our relationship was not restored our ability to communicate and interact was greatly improved. And at least my son will enjoy the benifits of our efforts to restore our relationship.

weaselope's avatar

wine and cunnilingus usually works

Zaku's avatar

Have you expressed this to her in a genuine, clear, and selfless way:
I didn’t realizewhat I was doing go her and now she’s talking about divorce this has made me see itall clearly and now I know what I should have been doing and that j love hermore than anything on this earth and want to make up for the years but I’m afraid she doesn’t believe I’m sincere

It sounds to me like you are not so lost, unless this isn’t accurate or is only a small part of it. At least, it looks to me like a great place to start. Look at who you’ve been in your marriage, what the effect and cost has been and how that’s not what you want, and express to her that you see that and what your commitment is and what you mean to do about it. (I imagine you know about responsibility and commitment pretty well.)

thegodfather's avatar

Do not throw in the towel! I can’t believe some folks here have told you to do that when you love her and there has been marriage. Yes, it can last forever, but there will have to be some work.

First, actions mean everything. But if all you do is shower her with flowers, she’ll be suspect you’re just trying to be manipulative. Men are amazing at getting what they want, and women can sense that acutely. How will she know you’re not just playing her to keep her? So you’ve got to do some hard things that prove your loyalty and love. None of this can be for show, your heart has to be in the right place first.

I recommend doing some terribly mundane things that probably won’t get noticed. Do things like pay attention to what she hates. If it’s vacuuming, then do some vacuuming. If it’s making the bed, make the bed. But DO NOT point it all out. This is your heart, remember, not a manipulation. You do these things because in your heart you feel, “I love her, and this is how I show my love for her—making the bed when she’s not even looking and when it won’t get noticed.”

After a while, your feelings of love will increase for her, and THAT is what she will be able to sense.

Now, you will need to communicate effectively to get through this. Counseling will do amazing things in this regard. But LOVE must come before any of your communicating. If there’s no love first, then all counseling does is make you better fighters, believe me.

Hope this helps, and God bless my friend.

Angelina's avatar

Take her out on dates, start flirting again, rekindle the romance. Ask her how she’s doing each day, listen to the answer. Ask her what her dreams are, and ask how you can help her achieve them. And then help her achieve them.

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ideabrian's avatar

Clean the house. I read where women find men much more attractive when they take responsibility around the house.

Find a way to take some of her burden as your own.

Remember this: We like people who make us feel good and are safe to be around.

What do you do that makes her feel good? (emotionally good – the kind a friend makes you feel)

cody1717's avatar

surprise her one day, when she gets home she sees all these red roses around your place, with a note from you saying something cute like “A pedal for every second i missed you”

it’ll be expensive but she would probably love something thoughtful!

ideabrian's avatar

This program has 4 steps that are so simple yet interestingly effective. I just found it, and you know how it is when you find something new – you want others to join in to validate that you’re not making a fool decision.

But, I can testify that in 2 days of asking these questions, I’ve been motivated to tackle a huge clutter issue in my office where as before I just wanted to move (a la homer simpson).

So, it might work for your connection with your wife.

Good luck!

Note, I actually found the book at Border’s – not the programs on the site.

dirtydevil521's avatar

yes i think ideabrian is right take responsibility for you actions let her know that you know what you did was wrong and let her know that your sorry for hurting her…and if she trys to push away let her know you love her and your not going anywhere so she can push all she wants…just show her you love her everychance you get cause actions really do speak way louder then words but also remember hearts go broken by words left unspoken ( dont ever take the person you love for granted cause you might wake up one morning and find out she’s not there…)

oasis's avatar

Do the dishes once in a

jellyfish's avatar

5 love languages the book- buy it and ask her what hers is and do it – it will work- good luck

TheFonz_is's avatar

simply show here what you intend to do, dont tell her.

Pick her up tonight and take her straight to a restaurant that she loves, or a place that she mentioned a long time ago (were you listening?) phone a radio show and get them to play a song for you whilst your in your car on your way over, ask her how she feels, what she wants from life and what makes her happy and just listen.

Or tattoo her name across your backside :)

BBSDTfamily's avatar

Speak to her and treat her like you do, all the time.

Thaicat's avatar

Communication is the key, if she refuses to communicate with you, you may find she will leave ..but even then after tme without you she might miss you. She sounds as if she may be fed up and angry and like she hasnt mattered for a long time. If she is still there make sure you do your share of everything, don’t push her but do attempt to talk to her, communicate and even bring in a lil romance nothing heavy jus flowers. Actions speak louder than words,so explain to her how you feel and tell her you are wanting to understand how she feels because it matters to you.

MissA's avatar

Well, it’s been almost three years ago…what happened!

flutherother's avatar

Marines, college, job it sounds like it is time to give your attention to your wife. Take her on holiday, somewhere you can barely afford. Let her see you are serious and good luck!

Pandora's avatar

I love @occ answer. Nothing like getting away from the world and having some alone time to reconnect.
I like to think of marriage as being a towel on the beach. Life pushes the waves on the sand and slowly pulls the sand into the water. Every once in a while you have to pick your towel up, shake it out and move it further away from the water before it gets swallowed up by the ocean. Sure its may seem inviting to just sit there and do nothing because the hot sun was on you all day, draining your energy. But in the end, no one wants to go home with a soggy, sandy towel.
Marriages have their ups and downs but a good one is always worth the effort before you throw in the towel.
Wow, I just realize this is 3 years old. They are probably divorced by now.

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catlover1221's avatar

My husband and I recently graduated together from the same university a couple years ago, and he continued on for his master’s in Business Accounting. After his schooling ended, he started studying for the CPA testing, and talk about brutal. During that time, he barely paid attention to me. Did I feel cast off? A little, but I stood by him. Let’s face it, when men serve in the military for four years, and marry beforehand, they’re not really there during the crucial times in the marriage. Granted my situation is quite different in the sense that my husband did come home, and disappeared behind a closed door to study, and was focused on his future, but I understood why he was so focused, and was determined to make it through that harsh time of being on the side lines.

It was emotionally, and mentally rough for him, and I decided to let go of my own needs so I could be there for him as he needed me to be. He’s working as an accountant now, and we just bought a house together, finally. I feel the harsh times he went through were worth it.

I say, ask her if she feels the harsh times of you not being present helped lay down the foundation for the marriage, and whether she’s willing to hang on with you to see the results of your time away from her. If not, then I would say to move on, and not let this destroy you. You are a good man, who made a choice that didn’t work out if that happens to be the case. Sitting down and having a serious talk with her over wine and a good dinner is a way to go. Don’t be afraid, for this is what your heart needs to continue on, whether it be in the marriage, or after the marriage ends. Remember, frank and honest communication is key.

LadyMarissa's avatar

Actions speaks louder than words!!! Begin to court her again. Take her out to dinner or maybe take her dancing. Treat her like she’s as special as you mouth wants her to believe. Maybe she has lost her love for you; so, you need to remind her of the guy she originally fell in love with. I can understand why she’s having a hard time believing you because my gut is hearing you say the right words…yet I don’t feel the sincerity!!!

Marriage counseling might help both of you.

Good luck!!!

Dutchess_III's avatar

I am loving the comments that “this question is 3 years old!”
Nope. It’s 11 years old!
November 18, 2018.

Pandora's avatar

@Dutchess_III, I think I wrote that some years back. Or I read the date at the time without my glasses.

Dutchess_III's avatar

I meant that you commented that the question was 3 years old, and at the time it WAS 3 years old. Now it’s 11 years old. My how time flies.

Pandora's avatar

Yes it does. I was 11 years younger and much more flexible and full of energy. Now I make sounds when I stand up from a sitting position. 11 years ago, I could jump out of bed. Now I just slowly roll out of bed and try to make sure I don’t pull anything. :(

Dutchess_III's avatar

^^^ I know. And substitute teaching is trying to kill me.

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