How have you changed?

I guess one big one is that I got braces, and now I love my teeth and don’t hate smiling. Not being able to enjoy a laugh or just any happiness that you would express in your face is a real shame.

I’ve learned I’m responsible for my own happiness. No one can make me happy. (I always relied on others for my happiness in the past)

I’ve also learned how to forgive. We all make mistakes. Learning to forgive those that you love and to not hold a grudge is very rewarding. (I could hold a grudge for a long time)

Finding out what “transsexual” means, and that I am one. Figuring out that i am a man, and not just a useless failed woman, was a huge relief to me.

I found out there was more to life than marriage & kids….. After my divorce I figured I’d do what I wanted to do, no ball & chain… there’s a big wide world out there, why limit yourself! :-/

My kids changed me immeasurably. Nothing comes remotely close to that wonderful feeling of becoming a Daddy. I mean, i’m still a big dopey kid myself but hey, that’s a gimme! :¬)

Bereavement, followed by a breakdown. Over these last few years I’ve had to learn about the world around me again. So many things that I took for granted weren’t really what/who I thought they were. I still miss my old life and I really miss who I used to be, that girl who wasn’t scared of anything. I’ve been blessed though, I still have hubby, I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t.

- I met my partner. She improved my self esteem no end, made me much more socially confident, gave me a reason to do easily what had previously seemed insurmountable, and introduced me to some of the best friends I have. That was 2.5 years ago now.
– I lost my religion. This helped me move on with my life, knowing that I was the only one with the right to decide what I should or shouldn’t be doing with my life. It gave me so much more freedom and confidence in so many ways.
– I read Marcus Aurelius’ book Meditations. I cannot recommend it highly enough. It changed my whole outlook on life.

My husband changed me. He was very spontaneous and uninhibited and was the first person in my life who made me feel comfortable enough to totally be myself. We could act crazy together. :) That was the biggest fear I had when he passed away – that I would loose that part of my personality that he nurtured and brought to life.

Over the years, I have become much more patient and less reactionary.

Up until my early twenties, I was horrendously shy. I mean like, it was abnormal. I couldn’t even ask the clerk at the store something without stumbling over my words or anything. When I got to know people, yes, I came out of my shell. But that took a long time, and most people were freaked out too much to wait around too long. Just the thought of talking to people or being noticed frightened me to no end.
I think there was a lack of balance going down, because when I did feel comfortable around people I got to know, I wouldn’t shut up and I’d be all hyper and stuff.
Compensation perhaps? I think this is perhaps what gave me a teenagehood of delinquency lol, since when I felt accepted and comfortable with people, I didn’t wanna loose it, and just did whatever they did. Maybe. I don’t remember ever being forced or pushed much to do any of the stuff I did, it felt like my own choice, and right to me. Maybe because like, it felt so different than what my life was usually like. Causing trouble in public, getting busted for underage drinking, sneaking away from group homes for days to fuck around and do nothing constructive. Kinda felt relieving. XD

Still, could be it, I denno. I was a big fan of thinking I didn’t give a shit what people thought, but that wasn’t true at all, I was pretty insecure.

But it was really hard sometimes, I fucked up so many job interviews this way, school was a bitch because there’s always people around. And while I came out of my shell as I described, there were some people that I still never could be comfortable around, even though as far as I know they were completely fine folks. And some people I got to be TOO comfortable with. It was messed up man lol.

I didn’t really DO anything to change though. One friend I had helped me a LOT with this and tried to get me to do things or act in ways that would help to break out of this, and I tried, and kept at it but I never really thought her advice would help so I really made no effort. But eventually this shyness problem went away. Maybe it went away on its own, maybe my friend’s tricks and advice worked, no matter how half assed my attempts, but either way it’s gone now, at least mostly.
I mean I’m still pretty shy and reserved and kind of insecure I guess, but I don’t have that whole sweating like a pig fear thing and not being able to speak when someone asks me for directions. People don’t ask me to speak up or repeat what I said anymore. I think I pass as a fairly normal person now. XD I just don’t talk much, and rather be on my own, despite all my long winded posts on here haha. But I can communicate normally.
That might not seem like so much but if you knew me before in real life and saw me now, you would notice a difference.
So I guess that’s how I changed, but I’m not entirely sure how it went. One good thing about being this shy is that I got pretty good at interpreting body language, starting with myself. Gotta have some good somewhere lol.