General Question

babooshka's avatar

Is this relationship working?

Asked by babooshka (5points) April 19th, 2011

This is going to be extremely long winded. But anyone who reads this and offers a little advice, it will be much appreciated.

It started back in July, when I met a guy (as a friend), who then had to go out and work abroad for a few months. We both were in relationships- but broken ones. He was abroad for months, and I was home, studying, but during that time we talked every single day. We both ended our relationships, after falling completely in love with each other, and a few months after, decided to date properly.

Ever since then has been a whirlwind of love. We known each other exactly 10 months now, and have been together properly for 4 and a bit. But I would say, emotionally involved for 10 months. We have both said we have never felt this way with anyone before.

He met my parents and I told him, my father won’t necessarily be as talkative, as with previous boyfriends, he hadn’t. It went the oppisit way, my dad adored him, the first out of anyone I’ve brought home, it was amazing. It brought me alot closer to my father too. Then a few weeks ago, my father died. It was a sudden heart attack, and me and my mother were both there. My boyfriend was abroad at the time, working, I was due to fly out and meet him for the last two weeks, of course, I didn’t go.

My boyfriend was devastated. He was there for me day and night and phoned me and was there for me the whole time we were apart, he couldn’t come home because of work, but he came as soon as he could. During the weeks apart, we felt so strong. But the last week he was due to fly back home- things changed. He started replying less, getting angry at me.
I completely understand why, I am acting irrational because I am a mess and it is natural for me to crave someones attention. But I asked somthing- have you been talking to your ex recently? He said yes. But only because she is away travelling. She admitted she still had feelings for him so he didnt talk to her for a while, but when she went away travelling, she seemed to be starting to act normal again so he said it felt like they could be friends. I was upset, but I accepted it.

I came and met him at the airport, but things didnt feel right, I dont know wether this is in my head, but it just didn’t. He didnt act as lovey dovey, he was jet lagged and completely exhausted from work and all of what had went on. So the few days I spent with him were an emotional roller coaster, one minute we were telling each other we loved each other the next we were arguing and I was upset.

I clicked onto his emails accidently, as it was signed in automatically, and the amount of emails in that past week were the sum of every-day emailing. I confronted him, really upset and asked why he was talking to her more now, than he has ever before. The emails wernt at all love related they were merely jokey and friendly, light hearted. How you would email a friend. He showed them to me. But they were every day emails. Of her travelling experiences and his work life and all. He was sending pictures to her, the same ones he was sending to me. But he says it is all innocent and he loves me so much, but he can’t stop being friends with her.

Somehow, in my mind, this does not feel right at all, and we have been rocky ever since. Is this because I am fragile anyway and I am over reacting? Or should I really be worried. Because I truly feel he does love me, but I am maybe caught in a love triangle. Please help.

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

10 Answers

john65pennington's avatar

I will be the first to answer. He likes you, but he still loves her. Its pretty obvious, according to what you have told us.

You have got a battle on your hands. A three-way love affair. Eventually, you are going to have to give him a choice or either you or his ex.

Sorry that all my answers are doom and gloom, but this is just the way I see it.

deni's avatar

I wouldn’t want to be in this relationship. The thought of another girl still being in the picture, though it’s still seemingly just platonic at this point, just seems like a recipe for disaster later. :(

Bellatrix's avatar

I have been in a similar situation where a boyfriend went away totally in love and then the calls became less frequent and there was an obvious change in attitude when he got back. He didn’t say anything and I had to ask him but my instincts were right.

In this case he sounds torn between the two of you. What you do though…I don’t know. For me, the relationship ended. For you, I would avoid snooping (even accidentally!!!) but you do need to make sure he is being honest with you and if he still loves her and wants to be with her, you will have to let him go. You don’t want to end up in a three-way thing while he makes his mind up. Sorry you are going through this. I remember how painful it is.

BarnacleBill's avatar

I agree with not snooping; you will never see anything that makes you happy, and he is entitled to his privacy.

Whether he recognizes it or not, he is not fully over this person, and the relationship cannot move forward with you until he is. Can he be “just friends” with her? Only if she’s in a relationship with someone else. Perhaps the traveling abroad at the same time created a common experience to talk about. Perhaps meeting you made him realize his relationship with her was just friends. Regardless, she has become “the elephant in the room.”

He is going to need some space and time to decide where his heart lies, and what’s more important to him. The relationship with you will not move forward or continue to grow as things stand. Does he want it to? That’s what he needs space to figure out.

optimisticpessimist's avatar

I agree with not snooping, but judging him based upon his relationship with you. If he is not fulfilling the needs you have or behaving how you want him to in the relationship, you should probably stop seeing him even if just for a little while. You have invaded his privacy and broken trust; he has lied by omission and broken trust. This is going to make building the relationship more difficult, but it can be done. My question for you is, since he was acting strange/different, does it matter to you it is the ex he is talking to versus some random girl? Or, are you worried because your relationship with him started similarly, communicating on a daily basis while he was in a relationship? I do not think you are overreacting if what you want is a relationship where you can be honest with each other. He should be able to tell you he is communicating with someone else and you should be able to tell him why you are uncomfortable with it. If you cannot come up with a compromise both of you can live with, then maybe this is not the relationship for you.

marinelife's avatar

Consider breaking it off with him until he stops contacting her. Tell him that you love him, but don’t understand why he is putting energy into a relationship with her if he loves you.

Tell him to figure out who he wants, and then contact you if it is you that he chooses.

wundayatta's avatar

Clearly you feel insecure. Communication! If you talk to him about this and express your fears, maybe you can negotiate some different behavior from him.

But I wouldn’t blame him for being resentful if you cut him off from his friends. You saw the emails. You know the relationship is about friends, not lovers. If you like someone, but being lovers just doesn’t work, then friendship can work out well. But if you also have a jealous girlfriend, then you might want to reconsider your relationship with her. No one needs their life ordered around by jealousy. It’s a way to build some hurt in your boyfriend. If you’re the jealous sort, you need a bf who doesn’t have any friends and doesn’t like to do anything other than be with you.

It doesn’t sound like you two are a good match. One or the other of you ought to call it off. You don’t need the pain caused by a struggle over this issue. Neither one of you.

SpatzieLover's avatar

Struggling does not a match make. Time to break the triad and back out of all of this. Let him know how you feel about him, but that you won’t be a part of it any longer.

dabbler's avatar

give the guy a break I say, but more importantly give yourself a break. You probably need some time you just lost your father. give yourself some alone time too and grieve your guts out. it’s hardly possible for you to deal day to day life normally, never mind a relationship issue even if you are completely right about your worst speculations about his ex. Give yourself a pass for a while, you probably feel like everything hurts when you really look at it.
If he’s there for you right now when you need it accept that. His awkwardness might be just from defending himself if he didn’t do anything, nobody likes being accused of stuff one way or the other. As far as he’s concerned she may really be a friend. Of course he remembers their intimacy but remember that relationship is part of what makes him the guy you know today. This is all just advice about jealosy, but ignore that because your job right now is to do your healing and grieving and celebrating of your parent

mandiemom's avatar

Sorry for your anguish.

The advice you need is always what you don’t want to hear. Think of it this way, what would you tell your best friend to do? That is the advice you truly need to take.


Answer this question




to answer.

This question is in the General Section. Responses must be helpful and on-topic.

Your answer will be saved while you login or join.

Have a question? Ask Fluther!

What do you know more about?
Knowledge Networking @ Fluther