Social Question

takeachance's avatar

How do I get an ex to admit he did wrong by cheating?

Asked by takeachance (701points) May 3rd, 2011

Today I found out my now ex boyfriend cheated on me for one with my friends. I found out by him telling me last night that he stuffed up big time and he wouldn’t tell me why. As one of my friends (Tay) was talking to me today she said that at the same time me and him were going out he was hooking up with one of my other mates (Abbey). Abbey had no idea me and him were going out at the time and she is really sorry. Today when I confronted him face to face he wouldn’t admit he did wrong and tried to blame it on me.
I still want to stay mates with him but I don’t know anymore if he is worth it. How do I get him to admit his done wrong and to say sorry?

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33 Answers

JLeslie's avatar

He won’t. Deny deny deny, and make the girl feel crazy. That is typically the rule. It is a life lesson for you. Don’t beat your head against the wall. He is a %#&$, cheater, liar, ego driven young man. Don’t waste your time

Tropical_Willie's avatar

Why bother yourself?

It’s over and now you have another reason it is over. He will not admit it.

bobbinhood's avatar

You can’t make someone admit their wrongdoing and apologize. At least, you can’t make someone do so sincerely. If it’s you making him, the best you can hope for is him trying to say what you want to hear in order to get you to let up about it. If he’s sincerely going to admit fault and apologize, that will come from something changing inside himself, not from anything you do or say. You can’t make people change.

Right now you are directing a lot of mental and emotional energy towards figuring out how to get a confession and apology. You would be much better off spending that energy learning how to forgive, let go, move on, and heal. Your ability to heal does not depend on any response of his, but it does depend on your choice to forgive. Don’t let yourself become bitter. It’s not worth it.

DarlingRhadamanthus's avatar

It’s not worth the effort….really.

If you want him as your “mate” (and that is a questionable endeavor) then you will have to accept what he did and forget about it.

The immature man (and it sounds like he is) will never, ever admit that they cheated on someone….or they might, but a “sorry” will never be really sincere. Because, honestly, this sort of man will simply do it again if given the same set of circumstances.

If someone had done this to me…and I was out of the relationship as you seem to be, I doubt that I would want them as my “mate” (friend.) I would find someone I could trust to be my friend.

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Tropical_Willie's avatar

What will another lie do for you?

If he admits he did wrong, it will just be another LIE!

takeachance's avatar

I know what you mean but this guy is actually a really nice guy, but as he said he f*cked up big time. I know he regrets it cos when i was talking to him to his face today he nearly started crying…

Tropical_Willie's avatar

Get on with your life, and do it with someone new.

Oh by the way he will tell he F#CKED again and again. It will not stop.

JLeslie's avatar

@takeachance So, he already admitted it then. What else do you want? You guys are young, maybe he now knows he would never do it again, he realizes the consequences. It is up to you whether to forgive him or not. If you stay friends, eventually you will see if it is a pattern for him or not.

jasper1890's avatar

i would really like to know why you want to stay mates with him. He abused your trust, keeping him out of your life completely is the best way forward. As hard as it sounds.

Cruiser's avatar

Why would you want to stay with someone who can’t be honest with you about their behavior and actions. Find a decent guy who won’t cheat on you!

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JLeslie's avatar

@takeachance You said he nearly started crying. Wasn’t that face to face? He would never be the one to tell you first, that is unrealistic, but I understand why you feel as you do. Men tend to not admit mistakes (women can be like that too, but I find it much more prevalent in men, they hate to be wrong) and cheating is in a whole other stellar category. I don’t know if this will make sense to you, but when he cheated, in his mind he was not hurting you, he was just pursuing his own pleasure. Not just the physical, but the feeling of being wanted, a huge ego boost.

marinelife's avatar

You can’t. You can’t make someone do something. He sounds like a piece of dog poop that you should be glad to be rid of. Why do you want to stay friends with him? Why not give him the cold shoulder he deserves. Especially after him attempting to blame it on you!

Porifera's avatar

The question is: How can you get anyone to admit or do anything they don’t want to? Let alone one who has cheated.
It’s over.
Focus your energy and concentrate your thoughts into moving on.

Hibernate's avatar

He’ll do it on his own [ you cannot force him into doing this or you’ll only hear the words with no meaning – it won’t make you feel better ]

lemming's avatar

Another vote for don’t bother.

ninjaapantz's avatar

He showed his hand, the feelings weren’t mutual.

geeky_mama's avatar

Friends before boys, ALWAYS.

Patch things up with Abbey – make sure you and she are all good. If you continue to see him how will she feel, by the way? Not worth hurting her too, is it?

Boys who cheat always cheat again. ESPECIALLY if he’s trying to make you feel like it’s your fault – he already knows how to manipulate your feelings.

In your shoes, I’d move along. There are other better boys who won’t lie, cheat and take you for granted.

wundayatta's avatar

When you say mate, does that mean friend? Or friend with benefits? Or a significant other?

As others have said, you can’t get him to admit he’s wrong. He has to decide that for himself. And I wonder how he did you wrong, since you said he was very supportive and was giving you what you wanted. Did you have an exclusivity arrangement with him? How old are you, anyway?

I think most people here are concerned with appearances more than what the truth on the ground is. Why do you want him to apologize? How did he hurt you? Is it just the mere fact that he fucked someone else? You didn’t even notice it at the time.

And most people in the world think that if you cheat, that’s it. You’re wrong. Relationship over. Why? I know a number of people, including my own wife, who took a cheater back because the guy was worth it, even if he made a mistake. The latest data I saw show that 50% of men will cheat at least once in a marriage and 40% of women will cheat. This is normal behavior, but no one is willing to admit it and everyone keeps it secret.

There’s a lot of shame associated with cheating, and that’s what the most emotional issue is. You want an apology, preferably public, so you can tell your other mates that he apologized and you accepted it and are willing to go forward. People tell you to break it off because there is much shame in being involved with a cheater and this is the only way you can show you have any self respect.

None of it has anything to do with actual feelings about the other person. It’s all about appearances.

Relationships are hard. Young people tend to “sow their wild oats” at higher rates than older folks, although probably not much higher.

Another big issue is trust. What is the significance of a denial? Once again, I think it is shame. There is the shame the accuser feels because they are not being believed when they know the truth, and there is the shame the accused feels and wants to avoid. Does any of this have anything to do with what else has been going on in the relationship?

Ultimately, trust is about communication. I think we want to know what our partners are doing because we want to know if it is a threat to our relationship. In your case, I’m not sure that is an issue, because you want him as a friend, if not as a lover. Anyway, if you tell him what your concerns are, and that you want him to still be your friend or mate or whatever, and if you swear you will not pass on whatever he tells you to anyone, he may find those to be conditions he can live with. He might tell you. But you better never tell anyone. Friends don’t tell tales on each other, and whoever told you about what he did is no friend at all. If you want people to trust you, you have to know how to keep secrets. Do you think he thinks you are trustworthy?

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

Sometimes the closure we want never comes. I know that’s difficult. But you must live your life in the present, not the past.

6rant6's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir Many of us eventually do get closure for many things.

Followed shortly by the sound of dirt hitting the coffin lid.

Kardamom's avatar

He did exactly what he wanted to do. The unpleasant part for him is that you found out about it. He sounds like a douche-bag to me. He doesn’t want any unpleasantness for himself, so it’s much easier for him to blame you (even though you are not at fault).

He’s not likely to admit the cheating or to apologize to you in a meaningful way. Why would you even want to remain friends with him at all?

Please don’t say that he was a great guy and that he was sweet and fun or nice. Young women tend to try to justify the bad behavior of their guys by pointing out their “wonderful qualities.” These kinds of guys use charm to lure you in for sex and then they go about their business. But they really don’t care about you at all, they’re just in it for the pleasure and they’ll get pleasure wherever they can. I’m so sorry that this happened to you, but please just let him go.

The fact is, he is and was a player and the dynamic of your relationship has changed forever. Move on.

jbsofine's avatar

Dont even bother he knows he did something wrong and him denying shows how much of a man he is. Dont waste your time

BeccaBoo's avatar

Your going to meet a lot of guy’s in your life that do things to hurt you but they will never mean too. Best advice I can give you is give them all a wide birth. For every one that’s there and hurting you there will be 2 really nice guys waiting for you to notice them. You have spilt with him, and there was a reason for that, so keep it that way, and don’t go back trying to be nice and friendly, he did the dirty on you.

emeraldisles's avatar

It’snot going to happen.He’s not going to admit that it was with one of your friends.

BarnacleBill's avatar

Why would you want to stay friends with someone who is disrespectful to you, lied to you, cheated on you, and isn’t sorry about any of it? Kick his sorry ass to the curb and move on.

Meego's avatar

Friends don’t date your guy ex or not and guys are just asses if they date you and all of your friends..I say tell him to shove it and really far.

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Hibernate's avatar

Not accepting his sorry will make things worse for you [ him too ]
Don’t punish yourself because he doesn’t deserve it.

But don’t bother keeping him as a friend. He’ll do some wrongs without knowing them and you’ll be the one suffering. Just keep him as an acquaintance.

Good luck tomorrow.

Tropical_Willie's avatar

Respond on FB you accept his apology and “Defriend Him”

Say goodnight ! ———- He will “not be thinking again” in the future and just hurt you all over again .

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