Social Question

Hibernate's avatar

Care to share a joke ?

Asked by Hibernate (9050points) May 4th, 2011

Sometimes a good laugh is the best.

Share some jokes that you like.

Enjoy yourselves.

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

188 Answers

Hibernate's avatar

I’ll start.

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the
confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the
street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi was concerned that he
wouldnt know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and
stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi
comes and he and the priest go into the confessional together.

In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says,
– Father, forgive me for I have sinned.
The priest asks – What did you do?
The woman says – I committed adultery.
Priest: – How many times?
Woman: – Three times.
Priest: – Say three Hail Mary, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more.

A few minutes later, a man enters the confessional. He says,

- Father, forgive me for I have sinned.
Priest: – What did you do?
Man: – I committed adultery.
Priest: – How many times?
Man: – Three times.
Priest: – Say three Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more.

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he got it so the priest
leaves.

A few minutes later, another woman enters and says,

- Father, forgive me for I have sinned.
Rabbi: – What did you do?
Woman: – I committed adultery.
Rabbi: – How many times?
Woman: – Once.
Rabbi: – Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5.

Hawaii_Jake's avatar

How many editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
That depends on what you mean by screw and in.

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A fish.

ilovechoc's avatar

Person A: She’s really pretty.
Person B: I agree, she got her face from her dad… Her dad is a surgeon.

meiosis's avatar

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea

ratboy's avatar

A hardened criminal is a man who steals Viagra.

Scooby's avatar

Cliff Richard is touring Asia. When out & about during a day off, taking in the sights a young Chinese girl spots him & runs over to greet him.

“Criff, Criff, I love you Criff” she shouts at the top of her lungs….
Almost knocking him off his feet…

“I love that song you sing Criff, please sing it to me tonight at the concert” she begs….

“Which song is that my dear”?? Cliff enquires while signing her autograph book….

“Oh Criff you know”! she exclaims looking lovingly into his eyes.. “ Itchy sore fanny” she giggles…

Cliff bemused replies, “ Itchy sore fanny!!! I’m sorry my dear but I don’t know such a song you’ve made some kind of mistake“!!

“Yes you do Criff, please sing it tonight, pleassssse” she begs, then burst into song…….

“Itchy sore fanny, how we don’t talk anymore”

:-/

flutherother's avatar

Doctor: I’m sorry to have to tell you this but your illness is terminal
Patient: <Shocked silence>
Doctor: I’m sorry
Patient: How long do I have doc?
Doctor: You have ten
Patient: 10? is that 10 years? Or 10 months?
Doctor: Nine

ucme's avatar

A trucker who’s been on the road for 3 weeks go’s into a brothel. He walks straight up to the madame & gives her £500. Tells her he wants the ugliest woman in the place & a sausage sandwich. The madame is shocked, “but sir, you can have one of my finest ladies & a 3 course meal for that money.” The trucker replies, “yeah, but i’m not feeling horny, just fucking homesick!!”

gm_pansa1's avatar

I don’t know any jokes. :<

ucme's avatar

The Dyslexic Special Forces were involved in the operation to kill Bin Laden. Unfortunately, they raided a department store after hearing bed linen was on the 3rd floor.

Bin Laden killed by the yanks
Who said you couldn’t take out the bins on a bank holiday?

Scooby's avatar

It’s just immerged on Twitter that prince William had said he “didn’t want the traditional fruit cake at the wedding“.. Prince Philip immediately replied saying he “couldn’t give a dam what William had wanted” he was going anyway…… :-/

ucme's avatar

Sir Elton John is to write a tribute song following the death of Osama.
It’s called Sandals in the Bin.

Little boy in class says “I need a piss Miss!”
Teacher replies “The word you’re looking for is urinate! If you give me a sentence with that word in it, you may go to the toilet.”
Little lad thinks for a while & says “Alright Miss, urinate….but if you had bigger tits you’d be a ten!!”

Scooby's avatar

@ucme

Lol… PSML ;-) “urinate”..........

Scooby's avatar

Sky news reports the Irish have joined the attack on Libya…. They have sent three ships, two full of sand & one full of cement…… it was a mortar attack….. :-/

ucme's avatar

@Scooby ;¬}

I’m sick of double standards. My girlfriend buys a rampant rabbit with “attachments” & she’s seen as a fun girl with a “special new toy.” If I on the other hand order a 240 volt Deluxe Fistmaster 5000 latex revolving pussy, with a realistic elasticated anus, imitation shit dribble, semen collection tray & a built in sadistic rape sound system, then that supposedly makes me a dirty perverted tw@!!! Work that one out XD

Scooby's avatar

The pope is handing out miracles in Liverpool.
Billy asks “can you help me with my hearing”?? the pope says “YES” & puts his hands over Billys ears. He then prays, removes his hands & asks “how is your hearing now“?
Billy says “I don’t know, it’s not til next Wednesday”. :-/

ucme's avatar

My girlfriend was giving me a blowjob & found that I suffer from premature ejaculation. She took it on the chin though!

ucme's avatar

Rearrange the words Mother in Law & you get Woman Hitler

My wife’s affair left me devastated, a broken man. So I turned to religion & it’s helped me so much. I converted to Islam & I stoned the lying cheating bitch!

meiosis's avatar

My wife left me because of my compulsive gambling. I MUST win her back.

starsofeight's avatar

A rich Cadillac dealership owner went to the Doctor for a check up. At the end of it the Doc scribbles a note, passes it to the man, and says “hand this to the nurse on your way out”

The car dealer looks at the bill aghast. He says, “but Doc, this is like the price on one of my cars”

The Doctor replies, “Exactly”

thorninmud's avatar

The Stanley Cup playoffs were in full swing, and a gentleman took his seat in the front row of the stadium – leaving a seat open next to him. His neighbor asked why such an excellent seat for such an important event was unclaimed, and the man explained that his wife normally sat there but that she had passed away. The neighbor expressed his sympathies, but asked whether a member of the family, or another relative or friend might have been able to use the ticket. “No”, the man replied, “they’re all at the funeral.”

ucme's avatar

Priest & a nun on a camel in the desert. The camel drops dead leaving them both doomed. Realising their fate, the priest asks if the nun will expose her breasts, the nun agrees on condition he show her his penis. After a bit of fondling, the priest gets an erection. He says “you know, if I put this in the right place I can create life.” To which the nun replied “right, stick it up that camels arse & let’s get the fuck out of here!”

Just got home from the World Blindfold Wanking Championship, no idea where I came.

ucme's avatar

A married couple down on their luck, decide to make a little extra money. The husband reluctantly lets his wife work as a prostitute. After the first day he picks her up & asks, “how much did you make?” “I did pretty good” says the wife. “I made £279.50p.” “What greedy bugger gave you 50p?” said the husband. “All of them!” replied his worn out wife.

My mate just rang me in tears
His wife has left him, taken his prized Bob Marley collection & the satellite dish.
Poor bugger
No Woman No Sky!

A man has been accused of stabbing 6 people to death with knitting needles
Police believe he seems to be following some sort of pattern

I’m outta here, it’s been emotional ;¬}

erichw1504's avatar

Where does George Washington keep his armies?

In his sleevies!

filmfann's avatar

Three nuns are fixing up a room in their convent. As they begin painting the ceiling, they worry about the paint dripping on their habits, so they lock the door, and paint while naked.
A knock comes to the door, and one nun shouts out “Who is it?”
“Blind man!”
The sisters look at each other, and shrug, then open the door.
The man outside smiles, and says “Nice tits, sister. Where do you want your new window blinds?”

erichw1504's avatar

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs playing in the leaves?

Russell.

erichw1504's avatar

A man didn’t like his haircut, but it started to grow on him.

yankeetooter's avatar

A neutron walks into a bar and has a few drinks. When he’s ready to leave, he asks to pay his tab. The bartender turns to the neutron and says…“For you, no charge…”

erichw1504's avatar

How does the man in the moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it.

Skaggfacemutt's avatar

These are great! I wish I had one, but the last good jokes I heard came from my step-son (who is Hispanic). You also have to know that we live in Utah, so please don’t stone me for racism or slamming the LDS church:

1. How do Mexicans learn to break dance?
Stealing hubcaps off of moving cars.

2. What do you get when you cross a Mormon with a Mexican?
A year’s supply of stolen food.

erichw1504's avatar

What do you do when you see a spaceman?

Park your car, man.

CaptainHarley's avatar

How many gorillas does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only one, but it takes one HELL of a lot of lightbulbs! : D

erichw1504's avatar

Why didn’t the melons get married?

Because they cantaloupe!

erichw1504's avatar

What do clouds wear under their shorts?

Thunderpants.

ucme's avatar

What’s the fastest thing on the washing line?
Hondapants!

erichw1504's avatar

Why did the rapper carry an umbrella?

Fo’ drizzle.

yankeetooter's avatar

You’re so punny, @erichw1504

erichw1504's avatar

A man didn’t like his haircut, but it grew on him.

erichw1504's avatar

A seal walks into a club…

yankeetooter's avatar

A priest, a nun, and a rabbi walk into a bar…the bartender says, “What, is this some sort of joke?”

yankeetooter's avatar

How do you make hot cross buns? (2 ways)

Pour hot water down a rabbit hole or…
sit on a waffle iron

erichw1504's avatar

I bet you I could stop gambling.

erichw1504's avatar

I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

yankeetooter's avatar

A chemist got mortally injured during a lab explosion…another chemist wanted to try and helium, but he died anyway, so they had to barium.

erichw1504's avatar

I don’t want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon.

yankeetooter's avatar

It’s too late for Easter candy, @erichw1504!

erichw1504's avatar

Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

erichw1504's avatar

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

erichw1504's avatar

The Dark Ages was caused by the Y1K problem.

erichw1504's avatar

He was hairier than Chewbacca dipped in Rogaine.

yankeetooter's avatar

Are you sure? I can’t keep up…Lol!

meiosis's avatar

How do you circumcise a whale?
Use four skin-divers

erichw1504's avatar

I like cats too. Let’s exchange recipes.

erichw1504's avatar

If your feet smell and your nose runs, you’re built upside down.

erichw1504's avatar

Half the people in the world are below average.

erichw1504's avatar

The problem with sex in the movies is the popcorn usually spills.

erichw1504's avatar

Change is inevitable except from vending machines.

erichw1504's avatar

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

erichw1504's avatar

Police Station toilet stolen: cops have nothing to go on.

dxs's avatar

Question: “Why did the chicken cross the road?”
Answer: “To get to the other side.”
For this one, I’ll only ask the question: “How do you take the “f” out of “way”?”

yankeetooter's avatar

There is no F’in way, @dxs…Lol!

yankeetooter's avatar

I used to play in the handbell choir, and one of my good friends stood next to me and played the F bell and the G bell. We always used to joke that she played the F’n’ G!

Trojans40's avatar

2 monsters are eating a clown
1 of the monster ask another monster
“does this taste kind of funny to you?”

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erichw1504's avatar

2 monsters are eating @yankeetooter
1 of the monsters asks the other monster
“Does this taste kind of funny to you?”

yankeetooter's avatar

Thanks @erichw1504, for making me laugh at myself right now…I needed to do that…

erichw1504's avatar

Why did @yankeetooter cross the road?

To get to the other question!

yankeetooter's avatar

You all are great, especially you @erichw1504 . When I get down and blue, the best therapy is goofy humor…

Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station…

erichw1504's avatar

Knock knock.

yankeetooter's avatar

Who’s there?

yankeetooter's avatar

Boo who? (groan!)

yankeetooter's avatar

Saw that coming..I’m trying…

Knock knock…

erichw1504's avatar

Who’s there?

erichw1504's avatar

Dwayne who?

yankeetooter's avatar

Dwayne the tub! I’m dwowning!

ParaParaYukiko's avatar

Two cannibals walk into a bar in Prague. They ask for two separate Czechs.

Sunny2's avatar

A drunk reeled into a Catholic church, found his way into a confessional and sat down. The priest, hearing the bell, came into the booth and waited. He cleared his throat. No word from the drunk. He harrumphed a little louder. Nothing. Finally he rapped on the wall. The drunk said, “There’s no point knocking. There’s no toilet paper in here either.”

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

Bwuaahahahaha I’m so evil.

aprilsimnel's avatar

HM QEII was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the stable at Winsdor when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn’t be ignored.

Said the Queen, “Sorry.”

“It’s quite understandable,” replied the Archbishop, and after a moment, added, “as a matter of fact, I thought it was the horse!”

sliceswiththings's avatar

Guys, these are bad! Usually I learn some new good jokes from Fluther joke threads : / Oh well.

Why are giraffes’ necks so long?
Because their feet smell.

ParaParaYukiko's avatar

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

It’s a pretty obscure number, you probably haven’t heard of it…

erichw1504's avatar

Where did the kittens go on the class trip?

To the meow-seum.

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erichw1504's avatar

Why did the school bully kick the classroom computer?

Someone told him he was supposed to boot up the system.

meiosis's avatar

Why do the French have such small omelettes?

Because one egg is un oeuf

erichw1504's avatar

What are sailors’ favorite fruits?

Naval oranges

yankeetooter's avatar

@meiosis…it took me this long to get your “deer with no eyes” joke, lol!

erichw1504's avatar

A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago.

yankeetooter's avatar

I’ll let you know in three days if I attended @erichw1504

erichw1504's avatar

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

erichw1504's avatar

The sign at the rehab center said “Keep Off The Grass”.

meiosis's avatar

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A Fsh

meiosis's avatar

Sexist joke alert:

Why does it take two women suffering from PMT to change a lightbulb?

IT JUST FUCKING DOES, RIGHT?

meiosis's avatar

Did you hear about the cat that ate some wool?

It had mittens

meiosis's avatar

@erichw1504 Rehab is for quitters

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

A guy went to a psychiatrist. “Doc,” he said, “I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I’m a teepee, then I’m a wigwam, then I’m a teepee, and then I’m a wigwam. It’s driving me crazy. What’s wrong with me?”

The doctor replied, “It’s very simple. You’re two tents.”

MilkyWay's avatar

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

meiosis's avatar

If a man says something in the woods, and there isn’t a woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?

MilkyWay's avatar

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn’t want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman’s husband phones the other husband and said, “These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties.” “That’s nothing,” said the other. “Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, ‘From all of us at the Fire Station, We’ll never forget you!’

Hibernate's avatar

Some of them are real good [ lol I’m still laughing ]

flutherother's avatar

Have you heard of the latest drink, the Bin Laden. Two shots and a splash of water.

dxs's avatar

A man walks into a bar. He says “Owch!”

adr's avatar

where did the king keep his armies?

in his sleevies!

meiosis's avatar

Did you hear about the dyslexic insomniac agnostic?

He used to lie in bed at night wondering if there was a dog.

erichw1504's avatar

What do you call a teacher who never farts in public?

A private tutor.

Dutchess_III's avatar

This is terrible! LOL!

erichw1504's avatar

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

erichw1504's avatar

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Dutchess_III's avatar

True story. Yesterday my five year old grandson saw a bird drinking from a water puddle. “Look Mom!” He said, “That bird is picking its pecker in the water!!!”

erichw1504's avatar

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Scooby's avatar

A husband and wife came for counselling after 15 years of marriage. When
asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade
listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on; neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met
needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the
therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to
stand, embraced and kissed her passionately. The woman shut up and quietly
sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, ‘This is what your wife needs
at least three times a week. Can you do this?’

The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. ‘Well, I can drop her off
here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.’
:-/

erichw1504's avatar

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

yankeetooter's avatar

@erichw1504 Given your fart joke, don’t you dare make a joke with my user name…! Lol!

erichw1504's avatar

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

erichw1504's avatar

@yankeetooter is like a Slinky… not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see it tumble down the stairs.

yankeetooter's avatar

Ouch, @erichw1504! At least you didn’t ask what you call a New York baseball team member who farts all the time…yankeetooter…

erichw1504's avatar

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

flutherother's avatar

Did you hear about the scarecrow that won the Nobel prize? It was outstanding in its field.

MilkyWay's avatar

Does any one mind if I tell a skin colour joke? I don’t wanna offend anyone…

Sunny2's avatar

@queenie My initial reaction is , ‘Yes, I mind.” But I was reminded of my son coming home from the first day of high school. He asked, “Hey, Mom. Want to hear an ethnic joke?” I mumbled about disapproving, but said,“Okay, go ahead.” Well, it seems two ethnics were walking along together and they came upon some tracks. The first ethnic said, “Oh. look those are deer tracks.” The second ethnic said, “No, those are rabbit tracks.” The first said, “No, they’re deer tracks. I know they are.” The second said, “I’ve been hunting. I know rabbit tracks when I see them.” And the train hit them both.
So, I say to you, “Okay, go ahead. If the joke is offensive, I’ll tell you afterwards.”

MilkyWay's avatar

Hmm, okay, here goes. And I say again, I do not mean to offend anyone.

Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, “Am I black with white
stripes or white with black stripes?” The other replies, “Well I don’t
know. You should pray to God about that and ask him.” So that night he did
and God replied, “You are what you are.” The next day he said to the other
zebra, “I still don’t understand what I am because God just said, You are
what you are.” The second zebra responds, “You must be white with black
stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is.”

Please don’t kill me, lol.

Sunny2's avatar

@queenie I chuckled. It’s funny. It probably isn’t politically correct, but humor often isn’t. If it’s really offensive, we’ll hear about it.

MilkyWay's avatar

101 Ways To Annoy People
1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sensual massage.”

3. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of “Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip…”

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <

7. Speak only in a “robot” voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will “swipe your grub”.

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog “Dog.” 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions “to keep them tuned up.”

16. Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what YOU think.”

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your “astronaut training.”

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for “violating your airspace”.

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a “real hoot.”

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and “cc:” them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a “spider person.”

26. Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with the prophesy.”

27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you’ll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and “accidentally” flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you “like it that way.”

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1–800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a “croaking” noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of “Sweating to the Oldies” over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with “ooh la la!”

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write “X – BURIED TREASURE” in random spots on all of someone’s roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, its gone now.”

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as “Conquistador.”

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing “Jingle Bells, Batman smells” until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says “Magnificent One.”

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone’s shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer’s mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce “no, wait, I messed it up,” and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don’t want to fall off “in case the big one comes”.

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as “Feliz Navidad”, the Archies “Sugar” or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to “AaJohn Aaaaasmith” for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it’s a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each “a.”

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you’ve borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your “superior mental processing.”

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant “swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!”

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your “imaginary friend.”

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about “psychological profiles.”

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a “magic picture.”

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate “crop circles” in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend “tricorder,” and “scan” people with it, announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people’s parties.
.
Phew! :D

yankeetooter's avatar

Please tell me that you copied and pasted this from something, @queenie! This gave me a laugh when I needed one…

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

@queenie That’s what YOU think.

flutherother's avatar

@queenie I’ve seen some of these before but that was funny.

meiosis's avatar

A woman walked into a pub and asked the barman for a double entendre.

So her gave her one.

erichw1504's avatar

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool?

Bob.

dxs's avatar

@erichw1504 that would be “dead”...

erichw1504's avatar

@dxs You can float in the water, did you know that?

Sunny2's avatar

@erichw1504 @dxs When you float you ‘bob’ up and down. I laughed.

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

@erichw1504
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?
Rustle

erichw1504's avatar

What did the psychiatrist say when a man wearing nothing but saran wrap walked into his office?

I can clearly see you’re nuts!

erichw1504's avatar

@WillWorkForChocolate

What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto.

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

What do you call twins with no arms and no legs, hanging from the window?
Kurt and Rod

erichw1504's avatar

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work?

A stick.

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

What do you call an Irish girl with no arms and no legs, sitting on the front porch?
Patty O’Furniture

ok, I’m done… but you started the no arms and legs jokes, hehe

erichw1504's avatar

Confucius say, man who fart in church sit in own pew.

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

Confucious say, couple who have intercourse on innersprings have offspring next spring.

choreplay's avatar

Why does a gorilla have big nostrils, because he has big fingers.

choreplay's avatar

A man sits at the bar, takes out a Genie from a bottle and a 12” pianist with a little piano. The guy tells the bar tender the genie will grant any wish you want, but there is a problem. The bar tender doesn’t care about the problem and ask for a million bucks, next thing you know the bar is filled with ducks and into the parking lot, a million of them. Then the bar tender says, your genie has a hearing problem, and the guy says, your telling me! You think I asked for 12” pianist???

meiosis's avatar

More sexist jokes:

What’s the useless piece of skin at the end of a penis called? A man.

Why do women wear make-up and perfume? Because they’re ugly and they smell.

sorry

erichw1504's avatar

Why couldn’t Dracula’s wife get to sleep?

Because of his coffin.

meiosis's avatar

What do you call a woman playing pool whilst juggling pints of ale? Beatrix Potter

MilkyWay's avatar

Stan was seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barged in holding their newborn baby. “Stop! You can’t do this!” exclaimed the brother. “And why not?” asked Stan. “Don’t you want to have a beautiful baby someday like my wife and I have here?” Stan said nothing. The brother grew impatient, “C’mon Stan, I want a nephew. Stan, make me an uncle.” Stan couldn’t take it anymore. He gave his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asked his brother, “You’re sure you want a nephew?” “Yes,” the brother replied. “It would be an honor.” “Well congratulations, you’re holding him.”

erichw1504's avatar

Why did the elephants get kicked out of the public pool?

They kept dropping their trunks.

meiosis's avatar

Diarrhoea is hereditary. It comes through your jeans.

erichw1504's avatar

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

AstroChuck's avatar

Gal goes to the doctor’s with strawberries stuck up her a$$.
Doc says, “I have a cream for that.”

Ba duh pah

flutherother's avatar

Q. What comes in pints?
A. Elephants.

AstroChuck's avatar

Two eggs boiling in a pot. The girl egg says to the boy egg, “Look! I’ve got a crack!”
    He replies, “No good telling me.  I’m not even hard yet.”

erichw1504's avatar

What washes up on tiny beaches?
Microwaves.

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

Husband and wife are in court, going through divorce proceedings.
Judge looks at the wife and says, “You’ve cited a major argument as cause for filing. Would you explain?”
The wife looks at the judge and says, “It’s simple, Your Honor. My husband things he’s God and I disagree.”

talljasperman's avatar

The bad economy is killing so many jobs that even Steve Jobs was forcibly outsourced to heaven.

AstroChuck's avatar

What did the tampon say to the vagina?

“Wassup, blood?”

MilkyWay's avatar

Here’s a good one :

Advantages Of Being A Woman
Why it’s better to be a Woman!

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

3. Our boyfriend’s clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

6. We’ve never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.

7. Taxis stop for us.

8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

9. We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies… (you get the point).

11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we’re gay.

12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE’RE gay.

13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

14. It’s possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

15. We don’t have to fart to amuse ourselves.

16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.

18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

20. If we’re dumb, some people will find it cute.

21. We don’t have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we’re aware that we look like an idiot.

25. Our friends won’t think we’re weird if we ask whether there’s spinach in our teeth.

26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

27. We’ll never regret piercing our ears.

28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

Hah! :P

zensky's avatar

A retired man went into the Job Center in downtown Nanaimo British Columbia
and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist’s Assistant. Interested, he
went in and asked the clerk for details. The clerk pulled up the file and
read, “The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You
have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully
wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the
hair then rub in soothing oils so they’re ready for the gynecologist’s
examination. “The annual salary is $85,000, and you’ll have to go to Moose
Jaw, Saskatchewan.”

“Good grief, is that how far away the job is?”

“No sir, that’s where the end of the line is right now.”

talljasperman's avatar

What do you call a millionare vamipre werewolf who is trapped on an Island with a bunch of morons?

Thurston Howell the third

erichw1504's avatar

“Oops, I spilled my updog.”

“What’s updog?”

“Not much, you?”

everephebe's avatar

That was a joke.^

MilkyWay's avatar

Oh. Haha.

filmfann's avatar

If you just need a laugh, try this site

They take pictures of famous, beautiful women, and show what they would look like if they had eyes like Steve Buscemi

talljasperman's avatar

What do you call an undead chicken that haunts people…

A Poultrygeist.

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

Once upon a time, there was an honest politician…

newtscamander's avatar

Math problems ? Call :0800—[(10x)(13i)2]-[sin(xy)/​2.362x]

erichw1504's avatar

Once upon a time, there was a clothed pancake party…

MilkyWay's avatar

@erichw1504 Dude, you smell.

erichw1504's avatar

@MilkyWay Dude, you reek.

newtscamander's avatar

@erichw1504 @MilkyWay dudes shower and then think of more jokes :)

erichw1504's avatar

@MilkyWay smells so bad that even a dong won’t sniff her ass.

MilkyWay's avatar

^He smells so much even a dong won’t sniff his pits, or his arse, even after he’s had a shower.

erichw1504's avatar

Haha, oh wow. Now there’s a typo for ya!

Strauss's avatar

Long ago before I was married, I was on a dinner date with this young lady. When we both enjoyed each other’s company, and at the end of the evening, I drove her to her apartment. I walked her to the door, and we kissed. I asked if she would like to continue inside the apartment. She pleasantly declined, saying she would love to, but she had to go to work in the morning. Just then I heard a muffled voice coming from down around her crotch area: “Ooh! Mmm! Let him come in!”
She then said:

“Oh, sorry about that. That’s my answering cervix!”

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