General Question

booskie_nerd's avatar

How should I handle this ‘friends with benefits’ situation?

Asked by booskie_nerd (19points) May 9th, 2011

My male ‘friend with benefits’ is now ignoring me, because his girlfriend almost found out about us. I want to be friends with him again, but how do I get the courage to speak to him? When I’m in school I hate him, but when I’m home he’s all I think about. How do I get over the fact that I think or know he’s using me and I’m just letting it happen to me? Why can’t I speak up? I don’t want to be this girl any more. What should I do?

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15 Answers

SuperMouse's avatar

It sounds as though he might be doing you a favor by ignoring you. Make the choice to stop being that girl and ignore him right back. It might be rough at first but every day it will get easier and in the end you will have your self-respect and a shot at a new and healthy relationship.

booskie_nerd's avatar

thanks I’m trying to get by every day but I have him for a class and I see him in break so its hard

_zen_'s avatar

Always a sticky situation. Best to quit while ahead. Look: check out the other 4 billion men on the panet – you know, the eligible ones are out there too.

perspicacious's avatar

How about finding some self respect. That would be a good place to start.

SeaTurtle's avatar

Try to develop your self esteem.

Kardamom's avatar

Let him go. Be cordial when you see him. Think about how his girlfriend must feel, or would feel if she found out about you. She’d probably think he was a pig (with good reason), but might take him back, but she would think that you are a slut (with good reason). I am not saying that you are a slut, but that is what his girlfriend and a lof of other people will think.

Find your own guy. Figure out now that there is really no such thing as “friends with benefits.” What that term really means is that some douchey dude gets to have sex with you (and not give one single damn about you) while at the same time maintaining a “real” relationship with some other woman who does matter to him (for what reason you will never know) and probably carry on a FWB relationship with a few other women at the same time.

Decide what you want in life, in a mate. If you want casual sex, then be very up front with people about that, but don’t get into situations where you or the dude have to cheat on someone else (an innocent third party) to get what you want. That’s really mean and disrespectful, no matter what you might think about the third party.

And don’t ever think that a guy who tells you that he wants FWB with you will ever, ever, ever change his mind about that. That is very naive wishful thinking, even if you hear of some anecdotes about the dude changing his mind and falling madly in love with you. That is so rare, that you’d be more likely to win the lottery.

And it doesn’t matter how hard it is for you to see him in a class. You should have thought of that before you got yourself into this mess. Sorry, that’s just the way it is. Just be cordial and move on.

loveurmindnsoul's avatar

I agree with @kardamom. Were you aware that he had a girlfriend before you agreed to be friends with benefits? Can you imagine how you would feel if you had a boyfriend and he cheated on you? That is what his girlfriend would feel if she found out. Also, there is a term for that, its called homewrecking, but if you were unaware of his gf and he didn’t tell you than forgive me.

Does anyone think the girlfriend should know? Sorry, but I think cheating is horrible

lillycoyote's avatar

He was cheating on his girlfriend with you. Yes, maybe you did allow yourself to be used but it is quite naive to think that there is a possibility that you and he could “still be friends” after, apparently, his girlfriend almost found out about it. Let it go.

chyna's avatar

You are already taking the steps to get out of this situation by acknowledging that you know he used you and you didn’t like it. There is no changing the facts, but you can change yourself. Don’t let this happen again. Find a guy that you can date and be happy with and it will do wonders for your self esteem. Maybe take this opportunity to look beyond the cool guys, the good looking guys, etc. The nice geeky band guy (who will turn out to be Sting later in life) will treat you so much better and like you for who you are, not just for benefits.

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john65pennington's avatar

You crossed the line and he took advantage of you. I assume “with benefits”, means you two had sex. If this is the case, you are correct, he just used you and I think you know it.

For now, lets just hope this person does spread a rumor of your “benefits” to all his and your friends.

mazingerz88's avatar

It seems all the great helpful tips have been given and here’s wishing you luck that you follow them and be the wiser. I would just add an opinion here and this might be unusual but I think sometimes it’s unfair to demean guys for being the one who “uses” a girl, especially if the girl knew he has an ongoing relationship. If in case you knew about his gf, thus you referred to him as a “friend with benefits”, then it’s fair enough to say that you “used” him as well. To get over this quickly, to have the means to ignore him during class and not dwell on him at home, maybe it will help if you think that you also had your fun with him and now it’s done. Lessons learned, move on.

However if he fooled you into bed by saying he had no gf, then maybe it’s time to clench your fist in front of the mirror and yell, “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned!” ( then proceed to ask in Fluther on possible ways on how to express that. lol.)

booskie_nerd's avatar

I know he was using me and it hurts so much because I look back and think what if this never had happened I would still be friends with him and stuff, but I guess that’s all he wanted from me, but yet again wen his girlfriend almost found out I thought he had deleted my number but today I got his cell phone and it still had my number, I thought that he hated me for it but I dont know

IzzyAndHerBeans's avatar

It’s funny because I’ve frequently debated this question with myself. I’ve always been one to think optimistically and because of that, I’ve learned to let go of things that just aren’t worth my time. Honestly, you need to be yourself. No one should control YOU or your actions. I’ve been in situations where I’ve felt like a guy has ruled my life, and it sucks. Doesn’t it? You’re worth much more than that—especially when you do, in fact, find that one person who cares about you no matter the circumstance. You’re better off becoming independent and seeing where it takes you.

booskie_nerd's avatar

thanks so much

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