Would you interfere in this relationship? (see details)

I think step 1 is a conversation with her. I agree that there is an important line to be drawn between his other flaws (e.g., “marginally employed”) vs being a hate-mongering bigot, and it might be worth discussing the stuff on the far side of the line with your niece. See if she has any thoughts on it.

Ultimately, though, if she’s an adult she’s free to make whatever horrible decisions she wants.

If you pass the information along to the parents, does she have to know where it comes from? And if they get it, are they going to be able to do anything more than they already do?

Sometimes only life will teach us the lessons we need to learn. No one else. You can be there for her to complain to and offer advice if she asks for it (but not otherwise). And you can be there to help her out when things implode. Other than that, I’m not sure there is any interference that has a chance of working.

@nikipedia – I agree that talking to her is a good first step. However, I don’t know how to bring it up, really. Clearly she knows about his tattoos and Nazi gear, as they live together. So “Hey Niece, did you know he looks for all the world like a hateful bigot?” seems like it would be obvious to her,and she still plans to marry him anyway.

I don’t know how to phrase an objection that doesn’t sound like Old Dithering Prude.

Do what you think is right, but, really, it is doubtful it will change her feelings.

If she finds out you ‘tattled’ to the folks, it may even backfire on you and she might give you the kiss off.

I am not agreeing with what you see, but, it’s her life.

Part of life is just letting go, and leaving others to take their lumps.

I’d say the guy just sounds immature and looking for attention in the way immature do, through shock value.

There’s nothing you can do but be sad for her. Personally, I’d de-friend him because I couldn’t stand being “friends” with a hateful Nazi bigot. And I’d tell her why. Then leave it at that.

Telling the niece’s parents will probably not do any good. What could they possibly do about it if their daughter is in love? It will also almost certainly damage the respect that she has for you. Just find a way to ask her how she feels about this, and if appropriate, give her your opinion on the boyfriend’s posts and not on the relationship.

In case this helps, two of my SO’s nephews have posted really offensive garbage on Facebook. I reached out to both of them personally and told them how I felt and gave explanations as to why. It included that it was insensitive to others, it would be an embarrassment to other family members, it could be a reflection of how others viewed your family in general, and it may come to haunt them in the long run.

They were both told that while I cared for them as a (future) family member and would always be there for them, I could not continue to be friends with them on Facebook if they kept up these kind of posts. One stopped, and the other kept it up. The latter got deleted.

Warning. If you mention FB you will be cut off. That is a useful “in” for you now. you don’t want to lose it.

@worriedguy – I had considered that. It’s one reason I’m trying to be cautious.

Start the conversation with her along the lines of:

- Are you trying to alienate your family permanently and irrevocably?

- I’m afraid I won’t be able to continue being Loverboy’s friend, since his Nazi regalia has alienated me. I bear you no ill will at all, but I can’t be linked to such a one. Do you share those proclivities? Can you say why? (if she responds positively)

- Do you feel trapped in the relationship? ... yet? Do you know this man’s history with women, and what has happened with his previous relationships? (Or conversely: Are you getting a clue maybe why he never had any before you?)

—Are you feeling okay? Having any self-esteem issues? Depressed? Suicidal? (Not joking)

I believe you should subtly try to get her out of the relationship. Don’t mention him specificlly but try to give enough of a hint that she realizes that this guy isn’t right for her. Also, as a high school student, I would like to say that being cool usually has the worst consequences when things turn up like this.

@WasCy – Right. Best answer!

I’d try to avoid saying anything that directly attacks the boyfriend (“He seems like a racist jerk”) or that puts her on the defensive (“What are you thinking? Don’t you care about your family at all?”). I’d approach it with the assumption that one of two things is true:

1. Either your niece is blind to the guy’s failings (or shares them), or
2. She’s aware of them, but feels unable/unwilling to separate from him for some reason.

If it’s 1, she’s not going to be receptive anyway, so I’d concentrate on 2. Focus on her. Ask her if everything’s okay at home. Tell her that if anything ever went wrong between them, you’d be there for her whatever she needed. And so on.

Because frankly, I’d have to suspect—especially given the age difference—that the guy may be dominating her (psychologically or physically), and she may be too intimidated or afraid to split. Maybe making it clear to her that you’d help her if she needed you, would help encourage her to make that move if that is indeed what’s happening…

Sometimes people have to make mistakes to learn lessons, and if she’s engaged to this guy, I think this is one time she isn’t gonna get it until she faces it herself.

All you are going to do by “telling” on her fiancee is piss everyone off, including her at you.

I think in this case she has to learn on her own . . .

Marriages can be dissolved easily enough. What I’m hoping is that they don’t have a kid together.

Call me old-fashioned….but I have a niece I really love. If she was involved with a guy of this sort who engaged in these sorts of activities, I would not be able to keep quiet. You did not say how old she was. I hope she is out of high school. How old is he?

I would invite both of them to my house for dinner and then show them Shoah the film.

To be honest, so many people are lemmings and follow the crowd and don’t even know or cannot remember (because it is NOT taught in schools all the time) what happened during WWII. This is not a way to be cool.

I suppose my concern is that you say he is much older. He should know better. He isn’t some 24 year old attempting to be cool? Or is he?

I am containing myself from saying what I really want to say…actually, I find this so offensive on his part. I don’t know how I would handle this…except to open up a dialogue with both of them. If you don’t want to do “Shoah”, then show “Schindler’s List.”

What I am amazed at is how short people’s memories are…the younger generation knows nothing about what happened.

I hope your niece sees the truth before it is too late.

Leave it alone. You can’t change her opinion of him. Have you considered maybe you niece is actually into the same stuff he’s into?

Tell her you’ve always found her a honorable, moral, upright person, and ask her how she rationalizes racism as acceptable. Whatever she says, discuss it from the perspective of her upbringing and ask her where and how she will draw the line in the sand as to where she will not compromise her character.

Don’t make it about him, but make it about empowering her to not compromise herself.

($10 she starts to dislike you after ↑ conversation….Rationalizing with someone who’s racist? They are racist in 2011, I’d say all rationality went out the door a long time ago…)

Prince Harry got into all sorts of trouble for his Nazi costume. There may be an object lesson in what happened to him. There is also the concept of guilt by association. There are many employers that look things up on FB as well as other websites and his political leanings or antisocial behavior could have repercussions for her (as his spouse or even as his girlfriend). I think you could explain all that as a concerned aunt without dumping on the boyfriend directly.

@Kayak8….....I think that is a good idea, actually, to simply address whether she is aware of everything going on, whether she is in collusion with him…or is simply so caught up in romance that all sense has gone out the window.

That will give you a better idea on what (if any) action you should take.

I just know what I would do…but it is a really hard call, I wish you all the best. Please come back and tell us what happened…how you handled it as I think it would help others who might find themselves in similar situations.

I wouldn’t be able to say nothing, I think. Unless she’s in physical danger, I wouldn’t involve her parents, though. I suppose I would tell her that I was shocked to see those images, and wonder aloud what she’s gotten herself into. I’d ask if this is what she really wants, and if there’s anything I could do for her if it’s not.

@DarlingRhadamanthus – Niece is 22, loverboy is 37. I’m not against age gaps per se (I’m 9 years younger than my husband, but we’re 39 and 48), but it’s the respectability of the guy (to put it lightly) that worries me.

One of the problems here is that I’m not in regular communication with the niece. I only see her at Family stuff (Christmas, birthdays, etc.) and she’s not often on Facebook. My avenues of communication are limited.

If her boyfriend is racist, I guarantee she already knows it. I know you want to think the best of her, but she is not being “blinded by love”, she just doesn’t care. Trying to go all American History X on her is not going to work, so If you value your relationship with her, just stay out of it.

Having Nazi tattoos and wearing Nazi uniforms is a grave insult to 99% of all Germans alive today. So if he feels proud of his German heritage you should explain to him the difference between Germany and Nazi Germany (an episode that lasted from 1933 to 1945).

So, a small update. They’re getting married. She’s already pregnant.

@laureth Oh, no. :(

@laureth And so it begins. “Idiocracy” is right. My condolences.