Social Question

plethora's avatar

Should I proceed with an impending live-in arrangement?

Asked by plethora (9579points) June 14th, 2011

I met her six months ago and we live seven hours apart. We have seen each other every other weekend since then and have made one trip to the Southwest together. All of this has been great fun. We get along very well together. But I have always known each time that it ends in a couple of days and its back to living alone. And I like living alone. I like it very much. Then she got an easy transfer with her company to where I live and living together was the natural extension. I was going to can it, but the very weekend I was going to do it, she had a huge breast cancer scare (and it may be more than a scare), but is coming anyway to start her new job. And she is gonna live with me. I could not bring this up when she was going out of her gourd with the cancer scare. And I’m thinking, just as soon as she is settled in her job and has the the medical issue settled….probably six weeks, I am gonna end the living together thing. I feel like she is imposing on my space and I dont want a relationship this close. Comments and suggestions on any aspect of this?

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27 Answers

Judi's avatar

Dude. You can’t let her make this move knowing you are going to give her the boot in 6 weeks. Tell her now! It will hurt much less. You are still going to come across as the jerk but for her sake she deserves to know now.

plethora's avatar

@Judi She wants the move and the promotion regardless. Overjoyed with it. My problem is bringing this up while she is sick.

Judi's avatar

She still deserves to know before she moves. Even if she’s sick.

Pandora's avatar

This is a hard spot to be in. If you tell her now and she does have cancer, than her emotions can effect her recovery.
I would wait. You had your chance to mention something when she said she was getting a transfer. That was when you should’ve said you will help her find a place. Then she would’ve gotten the idea that you didn’t want to live with her.
However you feel about her now or your privacy, she needs your support. Let her move in for now and be a friend . When she’s better, explain that you’ve tried living together and it simply isn’t for you and that you will help her find someplace nice.
It may turn out to be nothing and then you can move her out faster. Or maybe you will find your need for privacy is over rated.

Hibernate's avatar

You feel insecure .. But if you do not like her that much why did you continued the relationship ?
And right .. she needs to know just so she won’t arrive and hear terrible news.

And if you had this issue in the past .. why do you need help .. it looks like you resolved them well.

P.S. living alone was the best thing for me too in the past ^^

ItalianPrincess1217's avatar

Imagine how she will react if you let her move in knowing damn well that in approximately 6 weeks, you’re going to ask her to move out. If I were her, I’d be insane with anger! You have to tell her before she moves in. She’s going to be crushed either way. But at least this way she won’t feel like a complete fool.

cazzie's avatar

You aren´t doing her any favours by not telling her how you feel about co-habitating. You have to let her know that you´ll do your best to help her get settled, but that you´ll be feel better in the end if you have your own space and take it from there. Moving in together for ´convenience sake´is never a good idea and you should let her know that you want that step to come out of a better reason than, Ít is easier for one of us this way…´

Tell her now you aren´t ready to share your space on a perm basis, but you care for her enough to help her how every you can.

FutureMemory's avatar

That would be a horrible thing to do to her. Don’t let her move in with you if you already know you’re going to kick her out in 6 weeks. Moving into a new place is a huge deal, don’t make her go through it all over again in 6 weeks.

Bellatrix's avatar

I think you have to be honest with her. If you aren’t you could really destroy something that may have a great future. Do you want her to move closer to you? Would you feel happier if she moved to the same city as you but had her own apartment? Is there a time in the future when you might want her to move in?

Regardless of her health, you can’t lie to her. Just be considerate and tactful when you explain how you are feeling. Better to take your time and hopefully have a future than let her move in and it all falls to pieces because you weren’t ready.

marinelife's avatar

Tell her now before she moves in that you are not ready to live together. Tell her you are still OK with her coming to your town, but you want separate places.

Tell her that you will help her find a place to live.

It is only fair that she knows before she relocates in case she decides not to.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

I agree with @Judi.You need to tell her ASAP.

mrrich724's avatar

I also agree with @Judi

At the very least, you should make her aware of your concerns and allow her to make the decision. Who knows, if you tell her now, she may not come, and that might be the selfless thing to do!

Seaofclouds's avatar

What will you do if it is cancer and it takes a long time for her medical issues to get settled? Do you still want the relationship with her when she moves to your town? I agree with @Judi that you need to be up front and honest with her now. She deserves to know and make a full decision about her move before she makes it. Sure the promotion and move may be a great thing, but will she have others in the area to support her if she does have cancer? She may decide that she needs to stay where she is so she’ll have a support system until things get settled.

john65pennington's avatar

Up to now, what exactly have you discussed with her, about living with you? Did you make promises that she could live with you, if she transferred?

I understand your needing your own space, but if you promised her a place to live, then you must abide by your promise. She is counting on you.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

It would be better to let her know on the front end that you are having second thoughts about the initial agreement. Moving is a hassle. I would rather do it once, even if it meant getting my own place.

SuperMouse's avatar

Another vote for telling her in advance. Look at it this way, if you don’t say anything now and the cancer becomes more than just a scare – you could end up not wanting to kick her out for months and months while she continues to deal with this. This will make you completely miserable and resentful. You have to be up front with her for her sake and your own.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Tell her you are thrilled for her promotion and that the two of you will be closer to see each other but you feel you’re not ready for a live-in arrangement. That’s being fair and honest because you do like her, you are happy for her and you do want to keep seeing her but you’re not ready to choose her for a live-in.

Ask her to be as understanding with you as she can and to agree to see how things go now that she’ll be closer.

6rant6's avatar

You ever think you might have control issues? I mean, the natural course for me would be to let her move in and see what happens. If a relationship doesn’t change the way you see things, the way you feel about them, then there’s not much too it.

You could be honest and say, “I’m concerned it won’t work, that I’ll want my privacy back.” That would be fair. But then you might have to talk about your feelings. Ew.

creative1's avatar

Here are some thoughts I am having, does she have family where you are vs where she is currently? If the answer is no there is a possiblity that the move is not only for work purposes but to make the realtionship closer and you need to let her know before this move so she can decide if the support she will need if this cancer scare turns out not to be a scare afterall.

If the answer is that she doesn’t have family in either, then it truly could be a move for just work advancement. Not that it couldn’‘t be if she had family in the place where she is living but you have to ask yourself this question: Would this change in location be happening even if you were not in the equation? If the answer is no then you need to let her know immediately cancer or not, she has a right to make the a decision on moving in case the fear you have about not having your space invaded turns into a break up when she gets to close.

The distance thing was probably working for you because you liked knowing that the relationship couldn’t get too close because you either don’t want someone that is with you full-time or just are not ready to commit at this point in your life. With her moving closer even if not with you it still may enter the discomfort zone for you.

Kato's avatar

So how did it turn out?

plethora's avatar

Thanks for asking. I’ll give you the short version. In the first two weeks she was here back in June of this year, I had her in the ER three times. Multiple health issues in addition to breast cancer. New issue every week and a phalanx of docs. Primary care, surgeon, oncologist, cardiovascular, pain doc. I know I’ve missed a couple.

The breast cancer, in spite of surgery and some chemo is taking her life. She is still working, but her doc says she will be fortunate to make it to Jan 1. She does not want mastectomy or more chemo or radiation. She is a nurse practitioner and says she has seen too much of what the standard cancer treatment does to the body. Pretty determined on that and is ok with it.

Kato's avatar

British flowers are the source of a new cancer drug it is in trial stages in Leeds but it may be worth a look.

plethora's avatar

@Kato Thanks very much. Will pass it on to her.

Bellatrix's avatar

Very sad update @plethora and hard for you. Thank you for sharing this update with us.

plethora's avatar

@Bellatrix Thanks very much…;)

6rant6's avatar

So sad.

I am interested to find out if, knowing what you know now, you would have done anything differently.

plethora's avatar

Good question. Knowing what I know now, no. There have been several points in the process where I would have removed myself if I could have done so gracefully. But at this point, I am blessed to be the one who comforts her and attends to her needs. Actually, hospice will do the care when she calls them in. I help wherever I can and share our relationship which is a great comfort to her. Dying is common to us all, but most of us never actually see someone die. Here, I’m seeing it all. It’s a preview for me, and she is the teacher.

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