Husband with no sex drive?

Two points…

An easy way for a woman to tell if her man is cheating on her is if he accuses her of cheating on him.

Though this is not always the cause, a man will often lose his sex drive for a particular woman who becomes a constant nag. It doesn’t mean he can’t do it. It just means he can’t do it for her.

Not that this has anything to do with your situation whatsoever.

Third point… the fact his mother is commenting on his sex drive? Really? Not good.

And yes, porn has a way of tinkering with a mans mind. Though it may provide immediate satisfaction and release from stress, it doesn’t teach him anything of value.

may I suggest changing your avatar. some may think you’re showing pictures of the man on trial here

At lightlyseared, his mom commented on it because I came to her for advice and she said when he was 18 he asked her to help him find a doctor because he was having issues being sexually intimate with people. He never accuses me of cheating on him, but I accuse him! And I feel I have every right.. hes not having sex with me.

Accusations with no proof only add to the noise. It dilutes the ability to make things better. Though some feel there is nothing wrong with porn in a relationship, I personally consider that to be cheating.

Things to consider…
1. Everyone has different libidos. Even guys can have a low sex-drive. One of the things about dating is to make sure this stuff is compatible.
2. Depression can have a huge effect on this stuff. He may just be depressed.
3. Lay off the porn-policing, in my opinion. I can understand that it is bothering you, but I don’t see that as having anything to do with you. It might cause some resentment.
4. Go see a therapist. Yesterday! You have kids. Don’t screw this up.

He could be into porn to where he just uses that to please himself because it is easier. With a woman, you have to worry about pleasing her and the susbsequent shame if you feel you didn’t please her. Some women take awhile to please and that may deter a tired person.

He could really have erectile dysfunction.

He could be cheating.

Or he could also want to try something different. Some people get bored of the same person.

He could also be depressed from working so much as well, there’s a lot of things he could or could not be.

Of course we won’t know which one of these things it is, but it may help narrow it down to what is really wrong. He could be lying or he could be telling the truth.

I feel porn is a form of “cheating” also… However, it wouldn’t bother me as much if we were having sex regularly. I watch porn too every now and then.

“He never accuses me of cheating on him, but I accuse him!”

An easy way for a man to tell if his woman is cheating on him is if his woman accuses him of cheating on her.

Psyche! Don’t underestimate the power of words to hurt someone very very deeply. So deeply they may affect their physical health and mental stability.

Is he on any meds?

@tom_g , the only reason I dont feel that it could be him wanting to try something different is because we had this problem from the beginning and I married him SO soon into the relationship thinking it would get better. But it hasn’t…

No hes not on any meds…. he works about 55 hours a week and Im a stay at home mom. He says hes just tired. But hes the most tired person I’ve ever encountered in my life…. He can sleep like no other :)

1. You’re talking about your husband’s dick with his mom.
2. You’re snooping through his stuff (and justify it with “because I’m a woman” !?!?!?)
3. You and your husband have trouble being intimate.

Why are you not in counseling?

You have to communicate about your incompatible sex drives rather than keep accusing each other. Sometimes, it’s easier for people to get off from porn because they don’t have to actively care to satisfy anyone other than themselves. Snooping around isn’t great (and no, you being a woman doesn’t justify it, whatsoever), either, btw…I do think you don’t really trust him and he has a number of issues that he has to face. It’s the facing of those issues that needs to be your ultimatum for leaving and not whether he’ll lie about the porn again, etc. You’re young, I know you have kids (which complicates things), but you deserve to be in a healthy sexual relationship with the person that you have comitted yourself to and if he doesn’t see this chasm as a problem, convince him that you are serious about the future of your marriage and that you care to work on it and ask him ‘Do You?’

I’m not justifying snooping…......... But I do snoop sometimes. I’ve been cheated on before in other relationships so of course it concerns me. And yes hes not very happy about me talking to his mother but I gotta talk to someone. We can’t afford counseling or we’d be there. I have yet to find FREE counseling.

@kelly8906 You have to promise him that there will be no more snooping. Cheating will happen whether or not you do so, you realize, right? The problem is bigger than whether or not you’re concerned and so you snoop – it is about trust and you have to trust that he will not cheat since he is your husband. This is what kills me about monogamous relationships, sometimes – people will talk all kinds of crap about my open marriage but I never had to snoop because everything is openly discussed. Do not be like all those other marrieds that waste time on trying to catch each other in some imagined or real act of cheating. Instead, you need to identify if you can be there for each other, on principle, if you are equals, if you are willing to work through this. If he doesn’t want you talking to his mother, stop.

There are lots of issues going on here and I don’t know how to tell you how to resolve most of them. But I can tell you when you talk about a man’s sexual issues with others without having talked to him first and asking him what is going on and his permission to share those things with others, it is going to push him further away.

@ simone de beauvoir, you are absolutely right and I’m not trying to put all the blame on him and act like I’m perfect because Im not. There are many things I need to work on as well. But I don’t talk to his mom about the issue anymore.

@kelly8906 If you didn’t have kids, I’d be a lot more likely to advise you to be harsh and blunt. But, there is a family at stake here. Before you break it apart, you need to know you have done all that you could to fix it.

You guys need to get some couples counseling.

Listen to what your husband is saying and believe him: this problem is not about you.

You have heard that from him; you have heard it from his mother (I think that’s weird, but that’s another topic). Yet you still think it might be about you losing weight.

It’s not about you.

I think that instead of ultimatums, you should be giving him love and support.

Take him to a doctor (don’t tell him to go). Probably he needs therapy.

Ask him to spend some time pleasuring you even if it does not end up in intercourse. That way you will achieve some satisfaction and have some intimacy with him.

Ask him (not when you are angry and not when you are in bed) to talk to you about what turns him on.

Then incorporate that into lovemaking.

Spend time touching and cuddling when sex is not the goal. Tell him that you need him to show you physically that he loves you.

I feel like I am harsh and blunt and the more I talk to him about our sex life or the lack thereof, the worse it gets. He just gets frustrated and says “Why is sex at the top of your list in this relationship”, or “I haven’t had a day off work in 14 days. I am mentally and physically exhausted sex has not even crossed my mind once.” OR, yesterday he said “Our entire well-being is put on my shoulders. My job is what keeps us going and what provides for us. If you had any idea how stressful that is, maybe you’d give me a break”. As much as I understand that he is under stress, I feel like as his wife I deserve to have some time put aside for me for sex. Maybe I’m wrong..I dunno. As a side note, I’ve never in my entire life been able to have an orgasm through sex alone. In the beginning of our relationship, he joked that he will never be able to please me. Could that really mess with a mans desire to have sex though?

@marinelife , why is it so weird that he told his mom like 9 years ago when he was barely even an adult that he was having issues with being intimate and to help him find a doctor. Im just wondering… maybe that is weird I dunno. His mom raised him so he cant ask his dad

@kelly8906 Don’t get hung up on that part of my answer as the rest is so much more important, but the part that I thought was weird was you talking about your marital sex life with your mother-in-law.

@marinelife, I only asked because someone else mentioned that being weird as well. I talk to her because she and I are close and I had no one else to turn to. I do appreciate the rest of your answer and will def. try what you suggested. Thanks

If you start with the idea to cheat on him then you will do it. Just a pointer here, stop talking to him and tell him you have your needs. he doesn’t want to have sex , okay… tell him to buy some viagra and tease him out until he’s in the mood then help yourself out.

This worked for a friend of mine. Her marriage was saved and became a wonderful thing to this very day. But previously, she was as deeply hurt and confused as you are @kelly8906, with two young boys and a husband who worked long hours and lost complete sexual interest in her. She was ready to cheat on him. She wanted to feel beautiful and attractive again. She did not want to accept the truths that they both had built for their lives. She was desperate. Her problem involved porn as well.

I had many long and involved conversations with her about this. She is a good friend and I respect her family very much. This is what we talked about…

These things don’t arise overnight. They won’t be fixed overnight.

These issues are much deeper seeded than what it seems on the surface.

These issues may sometimes begin with carelessness for respecting the SO. Whereas unions are designed to provide a mechanism which elevates the partner, it’s easy to forget and instead subconsciously downgrade the partner with subtle comments, tisks under the breath, body language… all the while never realizing what affect those rejections are having.

GRACE AND FORGIVENESS ARE KEY

Understanding the trap that her husband had gotten himself into, she finally accepted that sex had become a one way street with him. As @Blackberry suggests, for some men, porn becomes a way to find self satisfaction without the inherent disappointments associated with trying to please another. SO… my friend decided she would seduce him with everything she had. That doesn’t mean walking into a room wearing lingerie with an expectation that he’ll get an instant erection. It means becoming as dirty and selfless as the porn he’s seeking satisfaction from. It meant lowering herself to the level of a porn star. That’s a lot of competition for any woman to challenge. But she did and it saved her marriage.

She began approaching him with a smile and seducing him with no expectations for reciprocating satisfaction. She convinced him that sucking his cock was the only satisfaction that she wanted. She did not complain if he didn’t get a complete erection. She was teaching him to be comfortable and relaxed with her and only her. She didn’t “tell” him that he didn’t need to live in a fantasy world. Instead she became the fantasy girl that he desired. She must have sucked his dick for a month solid before he finally relaxed. She understood that meant long and vicious blowjobs with all the dirty stuff they come with. Say “hmmmmm I like the way you taste”. She understood that it meant sucking his dick when it was soft and non reactive to her touch. She began to notice that he was improving, as she suffered through sucking his soft cock to a medium stiffy over time. Soon just the smile on her face and hungry look in her eye was all that was needed to bring about the medium stiffy, and a full erection arose thereafter. Soon all he needed was to think about her and his erections arose. She was teaching him to be everything he wanted to be with her. With more frequent erections, his confidence grew in relation to his desire to satisfy her in return. Now that his confidence is built, she can’t keep him off of her.

Sorry to be so graphic. But I’m telling you, sometimes being a dirty little girl is the only way to fix dirty little problems. I wish you well.

forgive him

teach him

Whatever (plausible or not) reasons for his non-existent sex drive he offers, and whatever all your assumptions and accusations and threats you put to him…., quit doing that, the both of you.
You must stop snooping and checking, and he must stop being stubborn and deflecting.
If he loves you, he should, in my view, agree to go to a professional/sexuologist, with you.
That, I believe, is (one of the) only way(s) to get out of this, in the end, unhealthy situation.
I wish you luck, the both of you.

Your case exactly is exactly what happened to a college buddy of mine. As for the cause, I could only share what his reason was which may or may not match your husband’s. Since I met him first year in college, my friend was already into porn watching. When he married at the age of 21, in less than a year he confided in me that he has a serious problem being aroused with his wife, whom he loves deeply and was sexually attracted to before. He can’t really pinpoint what the problem is and when I asked him does he enjoy masturbating to porn and said, yes.

This could be the case with a guy who could only get aroused by all sorts of sexual deviant fantasies, one that he could not get from the woman he is very familiar with and weirdly enough, love and respect. You must get to the bottom of his psychological make-up now and only then will you have the chance to deal pragmatically with the issue. He needs to be bluntly honest as to what’s going on. Maybe he does not want to hurt you or insult you or embarassed himself in front of you if he really go into the details of whatever sexual conundrum he’s in. Maybe he could confide with a mutual friend of yours, one that could mediate wisely and trustworthy.

Do you of any medications he’s prescribed or takes on his own? What about steroids, is he being prescribed anything for his skin condition that would affect his hormone production?

I knew a young guy who was taking testosterone injections to help him bulk up while weight training and is messed with his sex drive to the point he went crazy on porn because he was panicked there was something wrong with him and he wanted to prove to himself in a way that he was ok. He had no idea the shots were making his body think it was getting extra of the sex hormone and so it’s natural production diminished.

About prescription meds, most opiate derivatives mess with a guy’s sex drive. Add insecurity and cluelessness about why the sex drive wanes or erections fail and a man’s own panic/fear/anger is going to compound the whole situation.

I don’t want to get into the number of men who are upset and not accepting of their homosexual tendencies and so try to “make everything all right” by entering into relationships with women. Some people tell themselves being able to love will also enact the sexual component of a relationship.

It took me about 10 minutes to read your question. First, I feel you both do love each other and that’s good. You are having problems that you should not be having, but you know this. I have recommended so many people to marriage counselors and I am recommending this for you two. It’s a start. Having the red patches is just an excuse from your hubby. The real problem lies within the porn. The porn is stealing all the affection that he should have for you. If he resists going to a counselor, then pack your bags and leave.

Porn is very addictive and apparently he is selecting porn over you.

Give him your ultimatum, the counselor or you are leaving. If he loves you, he will make the right decision.

Stand your ground. It takes two to tango and he just has a broken leg right now.

porn addiction is a serious affliction.
if combined with religious sexual repression from early childhood, it will destroy everything that a man can be

I asked him this evening to be totally honest with me as to why he is having a hard time being aroused by me and why the lack of sex, porn etc.Heres what he said in a nutshell

“I am aroused by you. You are the most beautiful woman in my eyes. I’m tired, I’m stressed, I can never please you and on top of that all I can think about when I want to have sex with you was the fact that you had sex with my friend. (I knew a friend of his who I slept with a year before I met my husband They were best friends. I kept the secret from my husband until last year, I finally told him….. It ruined there friendship like I knew it would…no judgement please. I didnt know how to tell him) Anyway, since then everything’s gone down hill big time. He can’t seem to let go of it even though its ancient history. Perhaps this is just another excuse I dunno… Hopefully our talk will help and counseling.

@kelly8906 Well at least he stopped blaming his work and schedule and all that and we might be getting to some of the roots of the problem – big step, be proud of this, it doesn’t all have to be fixed tonight. He probably knows thinking about you having sex with his friend is illogical given that it happened before you met but is bothered that you didn’t tell him immediately or something. That can’t be helped, he just has to find a way to move on. If he finds you arousing and beautiful, the fact that he is threatened by the past is his problem.

It’s a lame excuse. But it’s enough of a statement to get him into relationship counseling and sexual therapy.

Maybe you need to initiate making love. Tell him that you want to make love to him and you miss being close. Sometimes people get all wrapped up in the physical aspect and the intimate parts of it goes away. It becomes mechanical, like a really satisfying work out. So people lose interest. Maybe you both need a romantic weekend away to remember why was it you both fell in love in the first place. He may need reminding since he has your ex in his head.
Work, kids, everyday life can feel like such a chore. Sex without romance is fine every once in a while but once it becomes something to scratch off a, to do list, then its easy to lose the intimatcy it is suppose to have.
Try dating again. Then maybe the rest will come along and his desire will jump up because he won’t feel the need for porn.
Table the porn discussion for another time. Fight one battle at a time.
I would concentrate on gaining his trust for now by making him believe in how much I love him.

@kelly8906: Ok, he’s just admitted he’s still full of hurt, anger and bitterness about you and his friend. A year goes by quickly but I can tell you from experience that hurt doesn’t. If this is truly the root of what’s eating at him and putting a wedge between you then maybe some counseling will help him but don’t be surprised if suggesting it just makes him more angry. He might resent he’s the one expected to “work on this” when he’s still blaming you. I’ll bet you guys could talk this one out, over and over and over until it doesn’t sting so much.

Insecurity, jealousy and porn. Oh boy, you have work cut out for you. Hope he’s worth it and here’s hoping you have enough strength to fix this problem in your relationship. I also hope he’s being honest.

I’ve seen this (albeit on a much smaller, not married, scale) before.

Counseling is obviously one route to go.

I don’t think he’s cheating on you. If he has trouble being intimate with you I doubt it would be much better with others.

On overaddiction to porn could be part of the problem. He’s so used to “getting off” via porn, that actual physical contact is “alien” to him.

Here’s my suggestion. You should sit down and watch some porn with him. Use it to kick start some intimacy. I’ve done that with g/f’s in the past and found it quite erotic (I have a healthy appetite for the erotic material myself). If the sexual activity he is most comfortable with is porn, start integrating yourself with it, so that he becomes more and more comfortable with you as well. Maybe try doing things to him while he watches some or to each other…. you can take it from there I guess it gets pretty raunchy… lol.

Again though, couples counseling wouldn’t hurt.

I lived in a sexless marriage for what seemed like forever, and in the end, I did have an affair. I did it secretly, but when I confessed to my wife, it was probably the best thing I could have done. It sparked a lot of things. First it got her to take me seriously. I don’t think she realized how much of a problem this was for me. Second, it got us into couples counseling. Third, it got me treated for bipolar disorder

I do not recommend you have an affair. If your husband has this reaction to your affair with his best friend that preceded your marriage, then I don’t think he could ever forgive you if you had an affair afterwards.

Men are very territorial. Much more so, I think, than women, in general. Women seem to have an easier time forgiving an affair by their husband than men do by their wives. But as always, your mileage may vary. When I think of some other guy having their cock in my woman, it totally disgusts me. It makes her dirty and spoiled. I can not justify this. I don’t even believe I should feel this way, but I do. It is very hard to deal with. Fortunately, I have never had to deal with it with my wife. But I think it’s ironic because it is all in my head. If she had an affair and I never knew, it wouldn’t make a difference to me. It’s the knowing and the imagination that makes all the difference.

This can happen even though it is in the past. You can get jealous retrospectively. Isn’t that weird? But it is his best friend, and if you were already in a relationship at that point, it is much worse. Even if you slept with his friend before you slept with him, it is bad. It’s a kind of virtual cheating. It can really mess up your head.

My brother’s girlfriend had been a friend of mine first. For a long time I knew more about her than he did. I’d even slept with her once, long before he ever met her. By then, we were just friends. My brother did not acknowledge his relationship to our family for more than a dozen years after they were involved with each other. I’m not sure why that was, but I think it had to do with this idea that she could be more loyal to me than to him.

After I confessed to my wife what I had done, we entered couples counseling, and I was also in personal counseling. I would recommend both of these for you . There was one other thing I did. I started attending SLAA (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous) meetings. SLAA is modeled on 12 step groups, and is premised on the idea that some forms of sexual behavior are addictions. I don’t necessarily believe that calling it an addiction makes sense, but I do think that the behaviors can be a problem.

I further believe that if those behaviors affect your relationships with those you love, then you should seriously consider doing something about them. I would say that half the men in those meetings had issues revolving around porn. They would come home after work, and after they had done what they had to do, they would disappear up to their computer and watch porn and masturbate.

Some of the men would compulsively masturbate all day long. But it doesn’t matter how much you do it. What matters is whether it hurts your relationship with your partner.

Here’s some bad news. Virtually all the men did not come to the meetings until they nearly lost their relationships. Something had to hit them on the head that this was serious enough to jeopardize the foundations of their lives. Something like their wife leaving them.

In the meetings, people generally find out several things. One is that they have lost intimacy with their partners. They don’t feel they can connect and so they turn to porn (or whatever) in order to get that endorphin rush that happens when you orgasm. It’s like a drug, and I guess that’s where the addiction model comes from. Instead of getting high on being intimate with your wife, you get high or orgasms.

They find out that doing this jeopardizes everything they care about. They find out they need to learn how to fix it, usually by stopping the behavior entirely. There are always times when they fall off the wagon. But in order to do this, they need to realize they are powerless over the impulse. If they feel shame about it all the time, and if the shame is added to, they will only get worse and worse. That’s because shame is what starts it all. Shame about yourself—that you are no good. That you are worthless. That you can’t satisfy your wife. That you can’t get an erection. That your mother knows your sexual issues.

And so you escape. You work long hours so you don’t have to deal with your family. You make yourself tired so you can justify collapsing and relaxing. You use porn because you feel that’s all you can do and because it make you feel both good and bad. But mostly you feel bad about yourself, and you see every complaint by your wife as more evidence that you are a failure as a person.

Hopefully, you can address this problem without precipitating a crisis first, but it may come to that. Whatever you do, don’t have an affair, unless it is all over for good. Try to get him into therapy for himself and also couples therapy. Find therapists that deal with sex addiction. Shop around for therapists. You may need to see a number of them before you find one you feel comfortable with.

Try to get him to check out SLAA. Maybe you should wait on this until you see a therapist because the therapist might support this. And finally, educate yourself. I have listed a set of links below. Both should help you educate yourself about the issues. The first is to a site with lots of stories by people in your situation and the second is to SLAA’s website.

Here’s a link to a set of stories related to your issue (I live in a Sexless Marriage). There are probably thousands of stories here by women and men in your situation. It’s an amazing place to get support for the issue.

This link to Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous can help you get started in understanding this behavior. It will help you find a group in your area that your husband may want to go to.

I am very sympathetic with you. This kind of thing can wreak havoc on your self-esteem. I know I felt like a nothing because my wife wouldn’t make love to me. It might even have been a major factor in precipitating my development of bipolar disorder. It certainly added a lot of stress to my life, and that can trigger bipolar disorder if you have the genes for it, as I do. Not that this will happen in your case, but just to say it is a major stressor in a person’s life, as you already know.

Good luck. I’m sure your misery is more than you can explain. I hope you can fix this. I hope your relationship becomes stronger than ever as a result.

Just an addition to what @wundayatta wrote about thinking women are more forgiving of affairs the men. I’d like to say I believe that’s utter bullshit. I will say that men have been conditioned to expect women to forgive all their bullshit in order to maintain stability and preserve security whereas men traditionally have been in better positions to just walk away and leave havoc in their wake, expecting everyone else to pick up the pieces and make sense of them.

@Neizvestnaya Are you saying you agree that the behavior pattern exists, but think it is for the reasons you suggested instead of the ones I suggested? Or do you think there is no difference between the sexes as far as people leaving because of an affair? If it’s the former, then I respect your theory. I think that what you say has a lot of truth in it. But it doesn’t change anything as far as the impact of specific actions are concerned.

I would never forgive a man for cheating. Not my husband, not anyone. I would never expect to be forgiven for cheating on someone either. I really appreciate everyones responses btw.

So I was reading a random article on racial microagressions (fascinating topic, for me anyway) and I found this on the sidebar and figured you can take a look at it. Now, take anything Psychology posts with a grain of salt, their ‘objective’ studies generally reinforce cultural norms we have about whatever topic such as porn, in this case. Notice, they talk nothing of women or non-heteros enjoying porn or partners enjoying porn together. It seems the focus is on extricating porn completely as if that’s where the end-all/be-all of these problems lies, which simply isn’t the case for many couples. However, I do think that a positive of the article is that it puts the ‘fixing’ of the problem onto the men that have the problem, which is refreshing. Good luck.

@wundayatta: I believe there’s a social dynamic that expects women to work harder at forgiving, preserving and putting a good face on things. I don’t believe it truly happens (the forgiveness, the strengthening of the relationship, etc.) but I think it’s what’s expected, especially by the men who cheated and therapists make a gold mine on rubbing the salt into wounds.

Just an update—-> My husband went to the doctor a few days ago and had his blood drawn. He has an overactive thyroid, low testosterone and high estrogen (for a man)—- (which they said all is due to the thyroid problem). So, it clears up the lack of sex drive. Hopefully the meds they are going to put him on will reverse this problem. Thanks for all of the comments.

I am happy for him (and you) that there is an explanation (at least a probable explanation) for your problem.
Don’t know what an overactive thyroid does, but that sounds less nice of course.
I hope it will work out for the better for you both!

@kelly8906 I’m glad you guys got some answers and I hope this is a start to getting things to a better place in your relationship. Good luck!

Great news. Now just remember to be supportive and seductive when he is up to responding. Do not emasculate him with too much pressure to perform.

This is good news, he must be as relieved as you and I’m sure just that little bit along with some meds will restore his confidence and eagerness.