Social Question

tnatwo14's avatar

Does it bother you when "the rules" of sexuality and gender aren't followed?

Asked by tnatwo14 (182points) August 23rd, 2011

Does that make you feel insecure?

Do you freak a little when you see a gay guy, or butch lesbian? Does it bother you when you can’t tell their orientation? Would you feel comfortable around someone of the same sex who told you they were bi-sexual?

How about when you see a guy acting “girly”, or a girl acting “manly”? Or when someone is into something that isn’t “gender appropriate” for them, or they reject another thing that is stereotypical to their sex? A husband who’s a stay at home dad, and a mother who brings home the bacon?

The other day I posted a question about wearing chick pants, and pretty much as I expect the conversation got heated and some strong opinions were shared. All over the way a pair of jeans were tailored.

I hate living in a society so hung-up on each person’s sexuality and gender and if it’s congruent with who they assume the person to be based on those things. It’s a lost cause living in a binary thinking world. I guess for some reason it gives security and piece of mind to most, but it’s annoying as hell to me and creates an issue all the time.

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31 Answers

ANef_is_Enuf's avatar

What? No. Not even a little bit.

ZEPHYRA's avatar

All I can say is live and let live. It’s not the sexuality, it’s the human I’m interested in.

augustlan's avatar

Not at all.

woodcutter's avatar

It bothers me when the other person does look like the opposite sex than what they are and become all indignant when I make a mistake. It’s as if they want to be mistaken accidentally to have a beef with strangers. If you are female but to others you are a dead ringer for a dude don’t be shitty about it. You know what you look like before leaving the house that day.

Aethelflaed's avatar

No. But it’s probably going to be the one person who did care whose opinion you remember, not the hundred who didn’t.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Yawn… no.

stardust's avatar

A person is a person, so that’d be a No.

JLeslie's avatar

Doesn’t bother me.

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

Gadzooks, if you are asking if it is uncomfortable seeing someone act or dress in a manner that don’t suit their gender, I would say acting is worse than dress. It depends on the situation. It is not exclusive to gander, if I was waiting for the BART and some guy in a business suits was acting strange and muttering to himself, it would not be as comfortable being near him as if he was calmly standing there reading the Wall Street Journal. It would equally make me leery if I saw women in business attire playing jacks while at the taxi stand.

We are all on tracks, and we are familiar and comfortable with them. At times we are offered the chance to flip the switch and go down another track, if just to explore. If you find or believe it is not a short cut or a passage you wish to take you can go back on the main track. Most just do not want to venture off the main track at all. That was proven to you off your question or the responses in the recent thread about Hailey Clauson. Everyone has that point where how a person acts or dresses causes them to take a second look, or keep an eye on them, knowing what, were, and why is the skill many don’t have.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

It has never bothered me. I chalk it up to the almost lack of gender discrimination experienced while growing up. There were two kids in our neighborhood that fit the stereotypical gender-bending view: a boy who was very effeminate and a girl who was totally butch. There were never any snide remarks or speculation about either. They were just our friends.

As for this comment, It’s a lost cause living in a binary thinking world. I guess for some reason it gives security and piece of mind to most, but it’s annoying as hell to me and creates an issue all the time, it isn’t a lost cause. The key is in how you handle your emotions and discuss this topic with those that have opposing views. Consider yourself an ambassador for the LGBT community. It requires patience instead of visible emotions. It requires being an educator of those that haven’t learned the lesson that there are many different genders. If we keep this up, it will eventually bring about a mindset change.

josie's avatar

It doesn’t bother me in slightest.
What bothers me is the fact that if I do not speak or act as an advocate for those who march to a different drummer, I am, at least in some circles, regarded as their opponant.
That is bullshit
They are entitled to their life. I am entitled to my total indifference.

syz's avatar

Nope, I consider gender a fluid entity. (Now, being badly dressed is another thing altogether, and has nothing to do with gender.)

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

Well since I’m a big old queer and gender non conforming, nothing like that bothers me. But, trust me, I know many people that are bothered by someone stepping out of heteronormative norms of gender and sexuality. Patrick Califia (who has been bothered by both straight and queer communities for ‘not fitting’ into whatever rules exist to bind people) writes (in Speaking Sex to Politics):

“If someone else’s identity can be fluid or change radically, it threatens the boundaries around our own sense of self. And if someone can flout group norms enough to apply for membership in another group, we often feel so devalued that we hurry to exocommunicate that person. This speaks to our own discomfort with the group rules. The message is: I have to put up with this crap for the sake of group membership, and if you won’t continue to do the same thing, you have to be punished.” (pg. 180–181)

DominicX's avatar

Would I notice more someone who was breaking obvious gender stereotypes and “norms”? Yes. This kind of thing would stand out to me more because it’s unusual and uncommon. It would draw my attention and I might think to myself that it was interesting or unusual. But it wouldn’t bother me. There’s no reason for that kind of thing to bother me. In some cases, I actually prefer it. I love it when guys are more effeminate. Not that I want all guys to be that way, but it stands out to me and I find myself instantly attracted to it.

Obviously, being an out homosexual and being staunchly pro-LGBT, nothing LGBT-related “bothers” me.

Berserker's avatar

No, it doesn’t bother me at all. In fact I think it’s awesome that some people don’t follow these rules. And fuck those rules, why should we have rules about that anyway? People should be how they want, if they’re comfortable like that.
As far as sexual orientation goes, I personally don’t believe it’s a choice, unless you’re experimenting, which is not quite the same but still totally fine with me. So, if gays and lesbians don’t have a choice but to be gays and lesbians, those rules suck, and even if it is a choice thing, those rules still suck, because they’re linked to dangerous types of mentalities that freak me out.
What bothers me is people bothered by other people not following the norm. Like you say, people judge others too much based on their orientation or sexuality, and it’s completely lame.

If a woman believes she should have been born a man, then she should be allowed to act or look like one if she so chooses. All that kind of stuff is fine with me.

See, creepy mentality. Who the hell am I to say how a man generally acts? At least I caught myself. Or maybe I’m straying off elsewhere. Societies have engraved all this goofy stuff in out brains that dictate certain behaviours or affiliations, which impede freedom and expression. So, when people are being what they are or wanna be, then it’s totally awesome, as long as each person enjoys their position.

(either that last bit was a joke, or my mind is really in the gutter :D )

Now I’m not saying that people who prefer to stick to the norm about this kinda stuff are all assholes, not at all. But they never get bashed, while the others do. There’s a bit of a problem somewhere, wherever it comes from.

poisonedantidote's avatar

If you are a guy, and you touch me, and I tell you to stop, and you do it again, and I tell you again no, and you still do it again, maybe you are going to get punched.

However, if letting a gang of gays do me would bring about equal rights for all, I’m bending over. The only only only thing that bothers me is being touched when I have told them not to, something that has happened maybe twice in my life, and not within the last 10 years.

I often go to a new gay bar in town, not because I’m looking for sex with men or anything, just because they know how to make a good mojito and the place plays good music. Not once has any guy tried to hit on me, they can tell I’m not gay just by the way I conduct my self and where my eyes look, and so they leave me alone in that respect… Must admit, kind of disappointing.

wundayatta's avatar

I tell you. Kids these days. Ain’t got no respect. What happened to the days when goils was goils and men were men? Where is Herbert Hoover when we need him? Heck, I’d settle for Dr. Ruth, so long as the economy started growing again. And don’t get me started about Halliburton.

Oh. What was the question?

Oh yeah. So I got my trusty Fluther manual of human relationships here. I’m told there’s a manual of inhuman relationships but I’m telling you, that’s one manual I don’t want to even know about. I mean, really? Dogs? Cats? Snails?

It’s bad enough when every Tom, Dick and Harry thinks they are an expert on the sexual habits of jellyfish, but when Towanda, Diana and Hilda get into the act, you know that nothing good will come of it.

Anyway. That’s my answer, and I’m sticking to it!

Berserker's avatar

That reminds me of a Trainspotting quote.

Pretty soon, there will be no more men and women left. Just wankers. And I’m fine with that.

tnatwo14's avatar

@poisonedantidote – I always took that as sort of a sign of insecurity. You should know that gay guys are not going to try and rape you because they’re gay, but it sounds like you think they will. Gay guys usually know who is also gay and who is not, like you said.

Are you sure those guys weren’t straight? Usually that’s something straight guys do to tease one another.

Meego's avatar

No it doesn’t bother me. I only start to question the should it bother me meter when I find someone like Chaz Bono nicer looking now than before as my own gender :/ lol

Pandora's avatar

Yes, working in customer service it was always a nightmare to address people who you didn’t know how to address them. A few times I would remember introducing myself by my name in hopes that they would share their name and I could address them without choosing the wrong gender, like sir or ma’am. It was nice when they would volunteer their name. There comes a time in a conversation where the word you can seem disrespectful.
I know some people can’t help it. I once met this lady who looked and sounded like a dude. Even had large hands for a woman. She had on plain jeans and a plain polo shirt. . I couldn’t firgure out if she was a dude trying who was having a sex change to a woman, or a female having hormone therapy to become male or just born a masculine woman. I could tell that after a while this person was becoming aware that I was trying to avoid saying sir or ma’am. It wasn’t till my maintenance man needed to pass us and said, excuse me sir, that I realized by her reaction that she was a woman. You could tell it pissed her off and she left shortly there after.
I grew up in NYC so it really doesn’t bother me unless I find myself in a conversation where they may need to be addressed by name or sex and expect you to somehow guess right, like it should’ve been obvious.


I don’t care what other people do, as long as I’m happy with how I “wear” my gender on the outside, and that’s the rule of looking strictly masculine with no “blurred lines” of obscurity. If people want to “gender bend”, that’s their perogative. Mine’s my perogative and I enjoy being a man, and people should be able to see and respect that too.

tnatwo14's avatar

@Pandora – Don’t see how it’s such a nightmare to deal with androgynous looking people. Because I don’t really think you absolutely need to address them using gender pronouns. If you don’t know you don’t know, mistakes can be made but it’s not a big deal because most people are self-aware enough to know how they look. Maybe she left because your customer service was slow enough to wait around and be in the way of other people?

pezz's avatar

One thing that I can never understand is why men act “camp” just because they’re gay. Real women don’t do this. That can really put my back up.

Aethelflaed's avatar

@pezz Because being gay =/= being a woman.

rooeytoo's avatar

I have always been what society calls a tomboy. I am heterosexual, no other tendencies but I have a masculine demeanor. I also prefer very tailored clothing and depending on the fashion trends of the day, that sometimes means I prefer male clothing or since I am a little squirt, boys.

I was never really bullied because I could always beat up most anyone who would have tried and everyone knew it so no one bothered. But I have always been a bit of a misfit and a loner and I am sure that is at least a part of the cause. Thankfully my husband loves the way I dress and he loves the fact that when there is something around the house to fix or repair, we do it together.

So no, it doesn’t bother me. As @DominicX said above, I will take notice and I may chuckle to myself if it is something outrageous in dress or behavior but I don’t think that is anything bad. I would not do anything to make anyone feel badly about themselves.

And I wonder too, why it is easier for a female to dress in male clothes than vice versa. As long as the female wears lipstick and behaves in a feminine fashion, they can get away with wearing what they want. Guys don’t have that latitude, you got shot down and insulted for wanting to wear girls jeans because you liked the way they fit. Why is that???

Anyhow, I hope you got the jeans you like and I hope you are wearing them a lot and looking good. The hell with the critics, they are probably walking fashion faux pas and don’t even know it!

wundayatta's avatar

@rooeytoo Are there any guys that can fit into girls jeans?

OpryLeigh's avatar

No. I don’t give it much thought to be honest. Each to their own.

rooeytoo's avatar

@wundayatta – probably not without their backsides sticking out but the same could be said of girls wearing girls jeans!

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