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Abused by policeman~my husband...can anyone help?
I am a 48 year old mother of three grown children, and live in Michigan. The wife of a police officer who abuses his power, I’ve endured mental, emotional and physical abuse. I wonder how many other women have endured the same treatment, and if they ever got out alive. Here is my story…..
After a 14 year off and on verbally and physically abusive relationship, I decided to marry him. He is 14 years older than me, and had repeatedly begged me to marry him after he had been emotionally and verbally abusive. That is why it took me such a long time to say yes. I had moved in with him, after he had just left his second wife of 30 years. When I noticed that he was being verbally abusive at first, I kept thinking it would change-but it didn’t. Eventually it got worse and sometime during the course; he dabbled into the physical abuse. I moved out, and he hounded me and persuaded me to move back, apologizing immensely. I thought it to be sincere. It was not. After I moved BACK in with him again-it didn’t take long to see he never changed at all. I was in a bind. It was a mess; here I was with 3 kids in school and working full time, and nowhere to go. Looking back, I should have never gone back after I left the first time. They say hind sight is 20–20. So, I moved once again-this time I obtained a personal protection order. His buddies from his police department were in court together the day he tried to get the PPO dropped. The judge did not let that happen. There was enough evidence showing abuse, and the PPO stayed in place. When the PPO was gone, his mom was rushed to the hospital from the nursing home she was placed in. She was not in good shape and they thought she may not make it. I went to see her at the hospital, and of course-he was there. We talked and so it began-indirectly we got reconnected through his dying mother. I had helped take care of her for years until she turned worse. We started to see each other and the window of opportunity was there, so it happened again…...I took him back. I do not know if it was due to sympathy for him always acting so sad and pathetic, or because I truly cared and loved him. Whatever it was it was not the way a relationship should be.
As you may have figured out by now-yep…...it had become a pattern.
Then I started seeing someone else eventually and started a new direction in my life, that lasted for close to 2 years.
My grandchildren and my middle son went to stay with my soon to be ex, when they needed a place to live. So, naturally it bridged the gap between he and I once more.
After stumbling upon letters and emails, I found out that the man I had been seeing had many women in his life. I confronted him, and he denied everything despite the letters and emails. He and I shared a house we rented in a town not far from where I had lived, but he actually lived out of state and would go back and forth between “our” place and his.
I knew I needed out, and decided that if I went back that it would work out best for me at the time. I knew my grandkids were there and that my name was still on the house, even though he and I hadn’t married. So I felt “safe” from having to find a place quick. With my ex bugging me constantly to come back to him through my kids and phone calls, I thought enough time passed, and that maybe he finally changed after so much time had gone by. WHAT WAS I THINKING? As I was moving in there, it was rather quickly that we got married. Things were off to a bad start right off the bat, when a woman called him up 3 nights after we had been married, and he deleted the message, careful not to let me hear what the message said. Soon after that the secrets, lies and abuse became a daily life for me and my youngest son, who was in high school. My new husband who had promised me a wonderful life, and told me of all the things he would do with me and for me. I found out that it was a ploy, to get me back with him once and for all. Then the real abuse, games and psychological games started, it was the beginning of the end. It seems that he was so jealous of the boyfriend I had just been seeing, and he was going to wreak havoc on me for it.
He was upset about something….anything…..or so he said, and said that is why he acted like he did. There was nothing I could do that seemed to make him happy, yet if I did nothing-he wasn’t happy about that either. He called me the filthiest names, and I only slept in our bed for a short time after we got married. I resigned to the living room couch, away from the man who hurt me and betrayed me once again. This would be the last stop with abuse-I knew I wanted to leave and get a divorce. I spoke with him about it, and he refused to give me one. When I asked him why he wouldn’t divorce me-he told me that it was because he still loved me, and if I wanted a divorce for me to go file. I told him I would file and asked if we could discuss splitting up the land we own and our home along with everything else. He told me if I filed, that he would not sign for the papers, he didn’t want the divorce. It made no sense…..he was abusive to me, and yet didn’t want to split up. It was as if he was keeping me there or at least preventing me from divorce, or splitting with him. I could have moved out of the house if I was financially independent, but I wasn’t. He knew this, and started to wean the little monies he “allowed” to me for groceries and household items. I had no freedom to use the checking account as needed, because he screamed about every dime that was spent. Yet, he would do what he wanted with the money. He told me that when I pay all the bills, I can ask where the money is going. After receiving our tax refund, I put aside money for my son’s graduation. He took the rest of the money and opened an account with only his name on it.
After I was smashed into a door frame by my husband, I was afraid and leery about telling anyone-as he had told me MANY times that I would be the one arrested if I called the police on him-or he would have me “medicated”. When I said that I would stand in front of a judge and tell my story-he laughed and said that there is no judge in this county that would do anything to him, and that he knew them all and very well.
Fortunately for me-after a few days had gone by, I went to get my arm and ribs looked at. After I got there, the State Patrol showed up and came in the room asking me questions about what happened. I was nervous, but knew that it had to come out at the time. I poured my heart out to them and told the about all the abuse I had been enduring the past year and previous years. They took x-rays of my ribs and part of my back, along with examining my black and blue bruises. I filled out the paperwork for a Personal Protection Order, and it was signed by a judge in another county. The detective from the State Patrol told me that their findings and investigation was sent to the Attorney General’s office for review and decision of the abuse. I am still awaiting their decision of their findings.
In the meantime, my husband moved out-after a local sheriff department did a standby of approximately 2 hours as my husband wiped everything out of the garage. Anyone else that has a standby wouldn’t be allowed so much time to gather a few things. When I questioned the sheriff at the time, he told me that it is marital property and that he could take anything he wants to. Of course, since my husband is a police officer, that made the difference, I am sure.
Having a part time job and taking college classes, it hasn’t been easy for me to live. Oh, and my soon to be ex-husband called and had our cable vision shut off, with no warning. After I finally found out about that, I called and had it turned back on. I do not have anything big on there, just basic cable. Luckily I did not need to have a deposit. Then one day I came home, and there was no heat, hot water, and the stove/oven did not work. I found out he shut the gas off on me too. There was no fore warning, once again. I had to go into the gas company and apply for gas in my own name; again-thankfully I didn’t have to pay a deposit. I called the electric company that same day, and he had told them the same thing he told the gas company…..that the house was empty and nobody was living there.
The first time I went to court, the judge made it clear for me to get a full ime job and said that my clases would have to be on hold. Can you imagine how crushed I was to hear that? After all-I was abused and trying to get on my feet, and I was told that he didn’t have to help with the utilities and household expenses. Walking out of the first day of court, I was told that he filed a moption to get me out of the home, and he wanted exclusive use of the home.
Basically, everything that he ever threatened me with…..no money, get me kicked out of OUR home, judges would side with him, and he would make make my life worse if I left him or went and reported the abuse, all came true. He also threatened me with getting me locked up, medicated or quieted were also threats.
The abuse charges are still being “investigated” after now 8 weeks. I am sure that nothing will happen to him. He knows how to work the system, and get away with it. There are so many players involved and many would like to “help” an “officer” with anything he needs. Unfortunately, no one seems to care about the abuse that I have endured, even with pictures included.
I would LOVE to write a book, because I have so many journals and things that have happened, that you would never even believe unless you saw pictures and read the journals. There are even videos and audios of things that have happened to conform the abuse. Copies have bee made, and are with a womans shelter in another county under lock and key.
My classes are still in full swing and winding down toward the mid-last semester. I do not want to give the classes up, because then my student loans will begin. I am being punished, because I went to the hospital emergency room, to get help. Isn’t that ridiculous? Sad but true.
We have only gone to court the one time since this started, aqnd I am sure tht I will be drug through the mud, by him and his “good ole’ boys” and small town judge. The judge only sees one side-his. If anyone else did the things he did to me, I am confident it would have been a different outcome.
There is a book called “Crossing the Threshold” by Diane Wetendorf. If you are in, or know of anyone in a relationship where someone is abused by a person “abusing their power” then you need to look up Diane Wetendorf. I have been attending classes and gotten more educated about domestic abuse now.
After making a lot of mistakes by trusting him and the things he promised, and I know I should have not gone back….but unfortunately I did.