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rebbel's avatar

The first time you and your partner talked about the fact that the being in love feeling is over; how did you experience that conversation?

Asked by rebbel (35471points) January 11th, 2012

Me and my girlfriend discussed this before, but more in general.
Some days ago we talked about the love we feel for each other, and the possible ‘dangers’ of falling in love with someone else and what to do with that possible feelings.
Automatically we acknowledged that, while we love each other, the being in love, the infatuation from the beginning, is over (for both of us).
There are of course (obviously) moments/periodes of feeling in love with each other.
The realisation and acknowledgement of this was a bit unheimlich; it felt, strangely, as a kind of rejecting/rejection and/or dismissal.
Emotionally so, not rationally, but still…
We are okay, knowing and realizing this; we love each other dearly.
My question: How did you experience these talks (if you had them, that is)?
And your partner? If that is too private I understand.
Thank you in advance!

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12 Answers

Neizvestnaya's avatar

3yrs and going, guess we’re not there yet. I’ll be sad if that’s a subject we ever feel has to be brought up.

Bellatrix's avatar

We have been together over 10 years so of course that ‘being totally infatuated” feeling has gone now. We are still totally in love with each other and I still love when he comes home and I am already there and vice versa. To address the changes our relationship goes through we have always done as you have now. We talk about how we are feeling and the state of our relationship pretty regularly. It might not be an in-depth conversation (could be a five-minute thing as we have coffee together), but we acknowledge how we are feeling and changes we notice. I think it’s healthy. Sometimes we do have more in-depth talks about where we are and how we feel too.

Since this a second very long-term relationship for both of us, we are acutely aware of the dangers of complacency. It is one thing to be comfortable with each other and quite another to be complacent about each other.

Ron_C's avatar

We’ve been married for almost 46 years and never had that discussion. Granted we don’t get as horny as we once were but I think that we are still in love as we ever were.

tinyfaery's avatar

We have never had that discussion, but that’s not to say we haven’t reached the point where the sex hormones end and the nesting and bonding begins. We have just mutually accepted it and love the couple we have become.

CaptainHarley's avatar

Have never had that one with my Vicky.

Jeruba's avatar

We’ve never talked about it as such. I guess there have been indirect acknowledgments from time to time, but nothing especially dramatic—more apt to be jocular, in fact. The heat lasted for a good five years or more and waned gradually over the next 15; but even now (after 35 years) there are times when it just comes back almost like new.

mrrich724's avatar

Maybe sounds like you should realize whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life being in life, and if not find the one who will make you feel like that conversation is never going to come up!

In like for 50+ years doesn’t sound fun. In love for 50+ does!

Bellatrix's avatar

I don’t think @Rebbel is saying he isn’t in love. I think he is talking about that heady, infatuation from those first few months, years. Often referred to as the ‘honeymoon’ phase.

My experience has been that does pass, but it passes and changes into something deeper and much more valuable and wonderful. I still love being with my husband and seeing him and get excited at the prospect of being with him, but it is no longer the infatuation that frankly, is too damn wearing.

I didn’t get from Rebbel’s post that he isn’t in love. As to the conversations… different strokes for different folks. If it works, it works.

digitalimpression's avatar

“Why did you cheat on me”?

Pandora's avatar

I had that conversation with my husband a few years into our marriage. I think it was like the 6th or 7th year. I know what your talking about. You feel hurt even when you know you feel the same way. However we both talked it out and realized that avoiding the subject just made us avoid having the conversation and to do that we were both avoiding each other. As if that would make things better. In our case the infatuation was still there only it was being stiffled. We were not making time for each other and each of us felt unappreciated. So we sat and talked about the different things we loved about each other and the little things that make us smile when the other person isn’t looking. We did also cover the things that make us feel less loved and why.
By the end of the evening we laughed and cuddled the rest of the night. We knew it would take a little time to get over the hurt feelings but we were determined to make time for each other no matter what. Knowing that we were a team with the same goals made us fall even deeper in love with each other. We both just needed to be reassured that we both still did love each other and that it was a priority over anything else. It actually brought us closer to each other.
Its probably that you both need to make each other a priority in each others live.
In the stages of infatuation, people make time for each other but once you stop making time you grow apart instead of together. People change and so does the relationship. If you don’t keep in touch with the changes then you grow apart.

smilingheart1's avatar

Love sitting on the surface has a lot of frothy feelings but when it settles to the depths of your heart it takes on its true character: abiding care for the other that deepens often to the place where you,would lay down even your life for that person if it came to that choice. It can take a lot of years of heart and practical lived out life to get there though. Mostly you have to WANT to love the other that much for it to ever happen. And its awesome if it is reciprocated

rebbel's avatar

I ‘forgot’ a bit about this question I asked, so my belated Thank you to all responders!
And yes, as @Bellatrix was pointing out Thanks for that! I was talking about that first period of totally being in love, the shaky knees-no appetite-can’t think of anything/anyone else being in love.
I am in love with my sweet girlfriend, and luckily she has the same feeling for me!

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