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boy22boy's avatar

I'm attracted to my house mate, What do I do?

Asked by boy22boy (10points) May 24th, 2012

I’m a (male) student and I live nearby my college with other 3 guys. I’m bi, although nobody knows… Recently I’ve been feeling very (sexually) attracted to him, and it’s difficult to hide because he walks around the house in his underwear… I tried to give him some signs of my intentions and neither he pushed me away nor gave any signal of understanding. What do I do?

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12 Answers

Trillian's avatar

Forget about sex. Focus on your studies. Sex can ruin a good friendship quicker than anything, and a room mate situation even more so. You can start worrying about who to nail after you graduate.
I promise you, if you go down this road, it will end badly.

gailcalled's avatar

Do you mean “either he pushes me away or gives no sign of understanding”? If so, you stop walking around the house in your underwear, cover up and find someone outside your house to hit on.

boy22boy's avatar

I’m not the one walking around on my underwear, gaicalled…

serenade's avatar

1. Find someplace else to live.
2. If you can’t ignore your impulse, then make your intentions clear. (He may be oblivious, because many guys don’t have good gaydar.)
3. Move if it doesn’t work out.

Response moderated (Unhelpful)
tedd's avatar

If he’s unaware of your sexual leanings, he may be completely blind to your subtle advances. I know often times I’m unaware of girls who are hitting on me (apparently blatantly in their eyes), I wouldn’t even expect it from a guy without knowing he was gay or bi.

I would suggest making that status about yourself known.

Also, getting romantically involved, or potentially being shot down in a romantic advance by a room mate, can complicate things in the home. I wouldn’t personally make a move romantically with a room mate unless it was extremely evident they felt the same way. And even then I would only do so with the utmost caution, cuz what if it falters a month down the road?

janbb's avatar

I would start by telling your roommates you are bisexual. After you gauge their reactions to that, you might talk to your roommate about your attraction to him. But I don’t particularly see this as ending well.

wildpotato's avatar

If he’s walking around in his underwear, it’s either because he is sending you a signal, he has absolutely no suspicion that you are bi, or he somehow realizes you are bi but doesn’t care whether or not you are attracted to him. In any case, it seems to be the better move to disclose your orientation: if he’s sending you a signal, you can discuss your attraction to him openly and decide together whether or not to take things further; if he’s oblivious, there’s an element of ethical responsibility to inform him and the other guys that you’re not looking dispassionately, so they can make an informed choice about whether to cover up or not.

This should be totally separate from your desire to engage the dude romantically. I can’t emphasize enough what a bad idea it is to get jiggy with a roommate, because it’s a business relationship and also you live together. If things turn sour monetarily, romantically, or in most any other way, you’re in for a very rocky road. On the other hand, I think it’s pretty classy to wait out the roommate-time until one or both of you has moved, and then bring up that you always kind of had a thing…though I suppose others might conceivably find this retrospectively stalkerish rather than classy, depending on how honest a friendship you have. I have played things this way in the past, and do not regret it.

wundayatta's avatar

I wouldn’t do this. My advice is to stay away and keep things on a friendly basis.

But if you must, then take him out to a bar or a party and get him pretty drunk. So drunk you have to walk it off before you get in the car. Then as you are walking around, find some dark place where you can bump into him or hold onto him for support, and then, at a proper moment, if it seems like he might be receptive, pull him into a sort of embrace, nuzzling his neck.

Now it’s possible that he will be so drunk that his inhibitions are gone and he responds, but then in the light of sobriety, he is all embarrassed and he pulls away and acts all weird towards you from then on. He might step back and punch you out right then and there. Or he might give in, and it turns out later he had the hots for you, too.

You could precede this with a general conversation about what a raw deal gay men get in our society, just to see what he says. You might bring the conversation around to the boy scouts. See if he’d ever been in them. If so, see if anything ever happened. You might share your own “boy scout” story, just to see if that opens him up.

If he seems to have a “boy scout” story, then maybe the action, later on, will go well.

But as I said, I think you should leave him alone. He’s your roommate. If you make an approach and he rejects you, your living situation will be hell until one of you moves out. Guess who is going to have to move out?

majorrich's avatar

Just try not to sprout a giant woody. It can be very awkward to a straight room mate. To a homosexual room mate not so much so. But I always made a strong rule for myself. I never poo in my own nest. Bad Bad idea to enter into a relationship with a roomie.

CWOTUS's avatar

As others have advised you, it’s tough to make the transition from “collegial / roommate” to “romantic” (or vice versa) while you’re living under the same roof. You can have a romantic relationship with him (I suppose, if he’s also so inclined) if you start from a “friends who can also get away from each other once in awhile” living arrangement. And you can also make the transition from lovers to “friends who live together or apart” (though it’s a much harder transition anyway) if you also each have away time from each other to process the relationship changes until it reaches a new equilibrium.

Trying to move from roommates -> lovers (again, assuming that he is also bi or gay, AND attracted to you) is going to be a mighty difficult proposition, especially so since the two of you share the living space with others. It’s awkward all around. Even if the two of you manage to pull it off, there are still others to consider.

If you want to be totally candid about this, then come out to your roommates (I assume you already feel more or less safe about this, although you apparently haven’t taken that step), explain your attraction to the one roommate, and explain that for that reason you need to make other living arrangements. Maybe he’s also interested, and maybe he’s repulsed. Either way, it’s an untenable situation for you.

Response moderated (Unhelpful)

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