Social Question

Taciturnu's avatar

Would you be okay with your current beau sleeping at his ex's house?

Asked by Taciturnu (6045points) September 9th, 2012

K’s boyfriend (H) is best friends with his ex’s brother. His friend introduced them and while the relationship didn’t work out, he gained attachment to his ex’s daughter, who was without a father figure. As a result, he sees them on occasion.

H went to a party at his ex’s with his friend. They apparently had a little too much to drink and he called K to inform her he wasn’t coming home tonite and would be sleeping there. I told her that at 45 years old a man should have the sense to have a plan to get home responsibly. She justified it by saying they spend a lot of time together and she was okay with it. I didn’t push beyond that- it’s not my place. It just seems weird to me, especially since she hasn’t met these friends. Am I old fashioned?

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27 Answers

josie's avatar

If my relationship with my current GF was that complicated, she would not be my GF.

El_Cadejo's avatar

awwwww helll nahhh

Taciturnu's avatar

@josie I agree. lol It’s not my place to say anything, but I don’t want to see her get hurt, either ya know?

marinelife's avatar

I think it should be fine especially if she trusts him.

Taciturnu's avatar

@marinelife Trust is one thing, but you wouldn’t consider it putting yourself in a “risky” position by being intoxicated and sleeping at your ex’s?

Seaofclouds's avatar

It sounds like she is okay with the situation and comfortable with it and that’s all that really matters. If she is comfortable with his behavior and where he is sleeping then good for her.

For me personally, it would completely depend on the situation. I can’t really say how I would feel because we don’t have any situations similar to the one you mentioned in your question. I’d like to believe that I would be okay with it given the fact that he was there seeing other people, not his ex and I know he wouldn’t do anything to mess up our marriage or family.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

No way in hell would I ever do that. Nothing good can come out of that if I’ve been drinking.

Sunny2's avatar

I wouldn’t get involved and warn her of possible results if she doesn’t listen to you. A friend stands by when things don’t turn out as expected. It happened. Your friend may know if she can trust him better than you.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

What K and H find reasonable in their relationship is up to them.

As an outsider with only the details provided, what concerns me the most is what type of damage might be done to the ex’s daughter who may look upon him as a father figure.

Taciturnu's avatar

@Sunny2 I do understand that, which is why I’m not pushing anything with her. If it were me, it wouldn’t fly. My theory is that you either care enough about a relationship to never put yourself in a potentially hazardous position or you don’t. I’m just interested to hear what other people’s takes are. If they had an open relationship, that would be another thing, too.

bkcunningham's avatar

I wouldn’t be okay with my boyfriend/husband/partner getting too drunk to safely drive home. The question of where he is staying and who was staying there wouldn’t be the main issue with me. The issue would be his inability to control his drinking and not being able to be in control and safely operate an automobile or safely take whatever means of transportation he took to the affair.

chyna's avatar

Probably no. It doesn’t sound like an ideal situation. Maybe if your friend had met all the parties involved and had a better feel for the vibes between all involved.
Also, I’m wondering why she wasn’t invited to the party?

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@Taciturnu I learned a good life lesson from someone. He said never drive alongside a tractor trailer on a highway. Nothing good is going to happen to you there. It works in all kinds of situations.

bkcunningham's avatar

Also, @Taciturnu, you asked if you are old-fashioned. Yes. Anyone who uses the word “beau” is old-fashioned in my book. ~

Kardamom's avatar

There are lots of things going on that would make me un-comfortable. The worst of which is that a 45 year old man goes to a party without his current girlfriend (K) and gets drunk enough to not be able to drive. Since he called K to tell her about this, K should have insisted on coming to get him right then and there.

The second part is that although K is his girlfriend, H has not yet introduced her to the ex or the exe’s brother (is that correct?). There is a teeny tiny possibility that the ex is OK and would not have any intentions of getting together with H and she hopefully would insist that H sleep on the couch or in a guest room, but I sort of doubt that that is the case. One of the 2 people in the original relationship probably still has feelings for the other one. Just not sure which one it is. Sounds like a case of the first relationship not being completely over yet.

H knew he was going to a party where there was likely to be drinking going on (unless he’s naive or stupid) so he should have made a plan for a designated driver to take him home, beforehand. Sounds like H is using the drunkeness for an excuse to stay over at his exe’s house.

H may have an attachment to his exe’s child (but probably not a big of an attachment as he is leading K to believe). He’s probably using the kid and the drunkeness as excuses for why he needs to be over there.

H may consider his exe’s brother to be his best friend, which is fine, but because H and his ex are broken up, they should have decided it was best if H only visited with his exe’s brother in other places. He could even visit the child in the presence of his exe’s brother, considering that that person is the child’s uncle. There is simply no need for H to be over at the exe’s house. If H and the ex had been married and the child was theirs, together, I might have a slightly different answer, but even in that case, H would have to make it quite clear to K that if he spent the night over there, it would be on the couch or in the guest room and he should make it a point to introduce the ex to his current girlfriend so everything is out in the open.

The worst part for you, is that K is not likely to listen to your concerns. I know this by experience, that girlfriends only want to hear good news about their naughty boyfriends. They don’t want to hear negativity and they are likely to drop you as a friend if you point out the likely scenarios (even if you have direct proof that there was monkey business going on).

All you can do is gently suggest that she should have a nice talk with H and maybe ask him to introduce her to his ex and suggest that if he ever goes somewhere and ends up drunk that she would prefer to pick him up rather than having him spend the night. She’ll probably get mad at you and say something like, “I don’t expect you to understand! H is not like that and I trust him.” That verbal slap will sting, so be forewarned.

FutureMemory's avatar

Would you be okay with your current (partner) sleeping at (her) ex’s house?

If one of them (most likely both?) is drunk, no good can come of it.


wonderingwhy's avatar

Personally, it’s a non-issue, it’s been discussed (and of course can be again), we’re good with our terms.

In general, it’s a matter of trust, honesty, openness, and how they’ve chosen to define their relationship and its boundaries. Hopefully no one’s playing the fool.

Are you old fashioned for not being ok with the situation? I don’t think so, I know more people who aren’t ok with it than are and for a variety of reasons.

gailcalled's avatar

Maybe I am tired, but I feel I need a flow chart to figure all this out.

Kardamom's avatar

^^ That’s why I always use fake names like Ron and Mary, it’s easier to follow.

Let’s call H Hal and K shall be called Kelly, the ex shall be called Madeline, the brother shall be called Martin and the child shall be called Bella (because she most likely named the child after the character in Twilight).

cheebdragon's avatar

Fuck no, I would not be okay with that. I highly doubt that he would be okay with her sleeping at her ex’s house, if the situation were reversed.

Mariah's avatar

When I first read the question I thought “no way” but given the details that he is there to hang with the brother, not with the girl, I think I’d be fine with it.

augustlan's avatar

Depends on the situation, but most likely yes. In my case, though, my husband would just call me and ask me to pick him up if he were too drunk to drive home. Was that not an option here?

6rant6's avatar

I think there’s nothing wrong with the situation as long as K doesn’t mind H XXXing his X.

ZEPHYRA's avatar

Something is rotten in the state…..... the ex will direct it!

cazzie's avatar

My husband takes off and spends nights out of the house and I have no idea where he is. I would much rather him stay away if he has been drinking.

cheebdragon's avatar

@Cazzie thats kind of sad. I dont mean sad as in a pathetic way, I just mean that makes me feel bad that you would think that way and that you have to deal with that so often. If that makes sense….

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