If you find your 13 year old has been watching internet porn, what would you think? What would you do about it?

Wouldn’t come up. The kids computer would be stored in a common area, and if he/she wanted to use it it would be out where anyone in the house could see what was happening.

But if it did happen, given who my employer is, the kid would be heavily restricted on computer use.

I had a talk with him about not watching it in the family room, and not when his sister was around. And then we talked about how it was not how men and women normally have sex, and that there are better ways to see people having sex.

But most of all it is personal and private and he needs to keep it private.

I’d be disappointed he/she wasn’t clever enough to clear the history.

And then we’d have a talk.

My teen would not have her own computer or smart phone at age 13. Like @WestRiverrat, the computer would be located in a common area.

If I found porn in the history I would have a long talk with my child. I would also think that 13 is very young to be looking at porn. I didn’t look at porn until I was 17.

I would make sure that the computer is in a place where we can oversee him, using it.

In itself I wouldn’t worry to much about his curiosity. I would, however, see this as a clear sign that we need to discuss normal sexual interaction between people and tell him not to watch the internet stuff, since it is nonsense.

The internet stuff is addictive and gives wrong role models, that would make me worry. The last thing I’d do, though, is punish the kid. I need him to be able to trust me and talk to me about this topic, after all.

That article doesn’t change my mind; that is how I already thought.

For those that would like the computer in a common area, that creates FAR more problems than it solves.

Maybe they won’t even bother using the computer at home; they will find an excuse to be out of the house. Maybe they will lie to you to get that excuse. All that resentment, mistrust, lying, and so many other problems caused just because you want to try to stop them from doing something that you cannot actually stop them from doing.

@jonsblond You were a late bloomer then. But I suppose not looking at naked people until many years after puberty (and the resulting hormonal surge) makes sense… if you are the type of person who fastens a seat belt after hitting a tree.

@whitenoise I had that whole talk about normal sexual interaction before I even knew what sex was, which was looong before the Internet existed. Then again, even most of the non-porn stuff on the internet is nonsense. For instance, LOLcats, and Cyriak videos

@jerv I was 17 in 1988. Porn wasn’t as easily accessible then. My exposure was trying to watch scrambled Cinemax. Porn is easy to find now and I understand that. I still think 13 is a bit young, especially for girls.

I just read the article and the other reactions and didn’t change my mind. They more or less confirmed my opinion. Or maybe a bit… I may be more reaffirmed that it would be good (even only as a signal) to forbid them to watch internet porn. They still will, but without my ‘seal of approval’.

@jerv
I’m Dutch… my kids have had parts of that talk already (they’re nine years old) and will by the time that they are thirteen definitely not be totally unprepared. I just meant to say that it would be another good time to talk to them. They will find the pron anyway,but I am not going to ikntroduce it. So at the moment I know they are exposing themselves to it, then I see that as another good time to discuss the topic again.

I would assume he’s a normal 13 year old…

It happened in my family, though I think he might’ve been closer to 14/15. As far as I know, the only consequence was he got Net Nanny put on his computer (and he figured out how to turn it off). I think that whether or not you have a talk with the child depends on how mature they are, and whether you think they understand that the stuff you get on redtube is highly unrealistic.

Now, when I was that age I was only reading porn.

@jerv I just read your entire response and I’m confused by your comment about having a computer in a common area creating far more problems than it solves. My children are 20, 18 and 8. We’ve never had a problem with our children not being allowed to have a computer in their room at the age of 13. Our sons were allowed to take the laptops in their room when they were 16, but not when they were 13. I don’t understand what problems there could be if a parent communicates with their children.

That article is interesting and typically, as the author points out, no studies done on girls and porn, just boys. Another message to girls and boys, to the boys it is saying, you are being normal, look even if you have to sneak, to the girls it is giving the message that you should not be interested, there is something different about you if you are. Ho hum, will this ever change?? I thought we were so much more enlightened these days…..

The part that seriously bothers me is that these boys who are given the sites to view are being initiated into the brotherhood of reducing females to a couple of anatomical parts. There is never a relationship even hinted at in porn, often it is brutal rapish behaviour and pregnancy and its consequences is never broached.

So I would tell my kid not to watch it and assume that he/she won’t listen and will watch it anyhow, somehow or other so I would certainly give them the lecture on how dehumanizing it is to both male and female and that really women have other parts that include brains, hearts, interest in race cars (was just watching the lady driver), etc. And that they can be friends, opponents in sports, people to study with and even work on cars with.

And I am with @jonsblond, I see no reason why the computer cannot be in a common area, seems like a good idea to me.

I paid homeless people to buy me porn magazines when I was 13. I have never raped anyone. I am also not a witch.

Cats In The Cradle-Harry Chapin

This is an issue I feel strongly about. I would have a serious talk with my son and tell him what I believe to be true about the use of porn. I think it can be very detrimental to introduce young boys to a fantasy world of unlimited sexual arousal that can, potentially, set them up for a lifetime of issues. I was married to a porn addict and finally divorced him when the extent of his habit became too big to ignore.

Porn is not a harmless past time, it can have devastating effects on some people. 13 is completely unacceptable IMO and I would do my best to educate my son on the issue of objectifying human sexuality and how fantasy can cloud ones ability to be present in their real relationship.

@jonsblond @rooeytoo I could derail this thread with a digression about my experiences with boundary issues, or how the most depraved and/or sneaky people I know had that sort of ting, but I won’t. Suffice it to say that my opinion is based on many personal observations; that sort of restriction often leads to bad things in the long run. Not always, but far more often than allowing them some privacy with the PC.

@jonsblond “I don’t understand what problems there could be if a parent communicates with their children.”
If someone feels you don’t trust them, will they trust you with their thoughts? Likely not, and since communication is a two-way street, well, there is the problem.

@whitenoise Agreed.

@Coloma Any addiction is a bad thing in the end. Also, as a gamer, I consider the line between fantasy and reality to be an important one in many other respects. The type of people that develop an unhealthy view of women due to porn are (in my mind) not much different from the people who play D&D and try to cast a Fireball.

@jerv what does trust have to do with having an expensive computer in a bedroom at the age of 13? Having a computer in the bedroom at the age of 13 is spoiled, imo. I suppose I should just let my 13 year old have whatever they want in their bedroom to show them how much I trust them.~ I just don’t get it.

@jerv Of course any addiction is a bad thing in the end. No one is any better or worse than another, same rope, different ends. Porn addiction is about fear of intimacy and instant gratification. Much easier to jerk off in 3 minutes over a porn video than it is to do the emotional work of connecting with a real person. It’s really a very sad thing.

When one of my kids was about 11, we found out that she and a friend were reading porn on the internet. We talked to her about how it wasn’t age appropriate and the fact that it was unrealistic, but I’m pretty sure we didn’t punish her for it. It was a long time ago… I could be wrong. I can’t see punishing kids for normal curiosity. The friend’s mother, however, was furious. She forbid her kid from being friends with ours, even though it had happened at her house the first time. (We discovered it the second time, when it was at our house, and told the other mother about it. She’d have had no clue, otherwise.)

If, at 13, we’d discovered one of our children was watching porn, we would basically stress that what they’re seeing is not at all like real life, and is not about love. We’ve talked about porn and how unrealistic it is, anyway, just as parts of normal ‘sex talks’. We’d probably also talk about privacy.

Added: By the way, the story in my first paragraph happened on a computer that was out in the open. It really can happen right under your nose! That doesn’t mean we decided to change our rules. All desktop computers are in public areas of our homes, and the kids don’t get a laptop until the Christmas before they leave for college. We didn’t make those rules to prevent them from viewing porn, though. We are far more concerned about them making contact with strangers who might wish to harm them.

@Coloma In adults, I would agree with you – but I think it’s unreasonable to expect a 13-year old to even understand what you’re talking about. They’re just having a normal reaction to their hormones.

@Coloma :: Have you ever been a 13 year old boy with glasses that can write a computer program in 1990? Getting laid wasn’t something that you could just try harder to get.

Better to whack off in the bathroom then do something stupid like trying to grope your babysitter.

I’m cracking up. A 13 year old needing privacy in their bedroom with a pc or turmoil will happen and they will never trust their parents. how did I ever cope without a pc in my room? lol

@glacial and @johnpowell

Of course, there is hardly a guy alive under the age of 90 that hasn’t viewed porn. I’m just saying that like drugs and alcohol it can be a dangerous set up for a lot of boys. I was a kid in the 70’s and tried all the drugs of the day, I did not become a drug addict, but some of my friends did. Porn should be treated as a potential very unhealthy drug, and education is important.

My ex husband was exposed to his dads porn mags as a little kid and he learned to use sexuality and masturbation as a coping mechanism for stress, anxiety, poor communication skills in his relationships. His issues destroyed a 20+ year marriage.
I am long beyond all that but I sure got an education when his addiction came out of the closet. I want nothing to do with men that are porn fans.

@Coloma I could certainly see that, but I think (based on experiences as a kid, not experiences as a parent) that this is a good reason for parents to talk to their kids about the differences between porn and real sex, and real relationships with real people – and most particularly about respect.

I just think that the need to learn about their sexuality at that age is sort of an unstoppable force… and it could be harmful to try to bottle that up, or turn that need into a source of shame (which is so easy to do, even inadvertently).

Ok, I’ve read the article. Hasn’t changed my mind. While I understand the reasons that some experts (and @Coloma) gave for forbidding young teenagers from viewing porn, I do feel that it’s A) unrealistic to expect that they won’t see it and B) really freaking odd that most people don’t think a thing about letting a 13 year old watch plenty of other types of entertainment that are just as unrealistic and/or harmful as porn, if not more so.

For one thing, a lot of kids are exposed to graphic violence by that age, and many people don’t worry about that at all. For another, do we get all hot and bothered when our kids see a superhero movie? Do we think they will not be able to understand that it isn’t real life? Presumably, once they know that this type of entertainment is fiction, they’ll not try to fly off a roof. Why doesn’t this hold true for porn as well? Porn seems to be in a category all its own, which seems a little hypocritical.

@Coloma
re:“Porn addiction is about fear of intimacy and instant gratification. Much easier to jerk off in 3 minutes over a porn video than it is to do the emotional work of connecting with a real person. It’s really a very sad thing.”

From what I read I understand you have personal, nasty experiences with such addiction around you. I’m sorry that happend to you and you’re right… these addictions are devistating. That is why I mentioned it in my responses before.

Nevertheless, I think you are painting a rather limited view on how addictions work. These are not rational processes as you describe. If addictions were so simple, it would be really easy… Just explain how much better life will be without the addictions and all are cured. Really?

@augustlan maybe I am an exception, but I worry a lot more about graphic violence than about nudity. Porn however is not about nudity and is about how men and women interact. Porn gives a very warped impression of such roles. That’s mainly why I worry about porn. That and its addictiveness.

I worry about porn and about violence. The one worry doesn’t contradict with the other one. Actually they quite often are the same: a warped impression of what’s normal / should be normal behavior.

@glacial Agreed.
@whitenoise I never said addictions were simple, they are not. They are as complex as the person that has them. Bottom line, porn, drugs, booze, whatever, the younger the person at the time of exposure the more likely they will develop a problem. Kids that make it to age 18 without taking up booze or drugs or cigarettes are much less likely to ever do so.

All addictions commonly form in adolescence, as does our sexual orientations. There is a shitload of material out there on sex addiction, it’s not pretty.
I agree violence is worse than nudity, but casual nudity is not hardcore porn. Apples and oranges.

@Coloma I should have written ‘implied’ rather than ‘described’ and wish I could edit. We agree on the topic.

And apples and oranges indeed… We agree there as well. :-)

@whitenoise I am also more concerned about violence than nudity, and totally understand why porn is different than nudity. That’s why having the discussion is so important.

** I’m trying to say I agree with you, but it’s not coming out right.

Telling my 13 year old daughter that it is silly nonsense and fantasy that you need to shoot a zombie in the head is different than telling her that not all woman want a dick slapped on their face. I’d rather have the zombie discussion with my 13 year old. A 13 year old shouldn’t have to worry about a boy wanting to slap a dick on her face. Zombies aren’t real. Dicks are.

@augustlan I think the difference between the violence and superhero activities seen on screen compared to porn is that children (hopefully) get the opportunity each and every day to see that violence is not necessarily a part of the normal world and normal interactions, and similarly that people just don’t go about jumping off buildings on a day to day basis.

Children don’t, however, get to see what a “normal” healthy sex life is like. They hopefully get to see what loving relationships are like, but not what the sex is like. So the unreality of porn is not countered on a daily basis in their actual experience. The logic of superheros being fantasy and porn-sex being just fantasy doesn’t equate when there’s no experience of non-porn-sex to refer to.

and @harple said it so much better than I did :)

@jonsblond Well said. Being open and approachable about sexual issues with our children is one thing, but yeah, little 13 year old girls and boys do not need to be exposed to the smorgasbord of sexual depravity in the all you can eat buffet of porn.
@harple Ditto. :-)

@jonsblond and @Coloma They are probably having that conversation with their schoolmates, though. Pretending they aren’t in contact with these ideas isn’t going to do them any favours.

@harple You make an excellent point. There isn’t a chance to see any realistic sexual relations. That said, I still don’t think it’s wise to forbid pornography viewing. Even if you do, though, the discussions should still be happening. Chances are, the kids are going to see porn, somewhere, sometime. It’s important to discuss it with them, even if you disallow it in your own home.

@glacial Of course, but, I am pretty sure that I am one of the old folks in this discussion at almost 53. I am also a byproduct of the original “sex, drugs and rock-n-roll ” generation and I am freaking shocked at the perversions of todays porn scene.
I still believe in keeping kids innocent as long as possible along with candid and open discussions. I consider myself a very sexually healthy person, have no major hangups, but really, just how many penises and vaginas does one need to see in their lifetime?

Pfft! I’d rather go birdwatching. lol

@augustlan Oh I agree – it’s impossible and unhealthy to go blinkered into a world of denying such things exist, and believing that our children won’t be exposed at some point, even if we do all we can to avoid it. And I totally agree with communicating effectively and frankly about such things. As @glacial said earlier in the thread, the ease with which things can become sources of shame and the issues that go with that, well it happens all to easily. (I was made to feel very ashamed of masturbation when I was young. It took my first real boyfriend at age 15 to let me realise that actually there is no shame to it. Thankfully he was a gentle soul who knew me well and knew what I needed to take away the shame element.)

No, my response above was just on that particular point :)

As @glacial said earlier in the thread, the ease with which things can become sources of shame and the issues that go with that, well it happens all to easily.

Yes! I must feel shamed because I was a “late bloomer” (@jerv‘s words) because I didn’t view porn until I was 17. Shame on me! I must not be “normal”. I have a label now. Even though I did have my first sexual encounter at the age of 15. My second sexual encounter was being raped by two “friends” at the age of 15. But I’m a “late bloomer” because I didn’t watch porn until I was 17. Shame on me! :/ I have a strong feeling those two “friends” of mine watched a whole bunch of porn at a young age.

@jonsblond I just feel a need to correct you on a couple of things.

1) Expensive computer? I have had many computers over the years, didn’t pay anything for most of them, and most of the ones I did pay for were cheap. My two current systems were the only ones >$150, and when you take that 1.1 GHz Athlon out, none cost me more than a full tank of gas. Not really “expensive” if you are in the financial position to afford internet access in the first place.

2) I feel that @glacial is spot on about kids getting information from other sources. And like I said, if you don’t allow it at home, they will get sneaky, with all of the effects that has on openness, communication, etcetera. The only way that won’t happen is if your kid is an idiot; anybody with a brain can and will figure out how to go behind your back. Your best bet isn’t to lock down the computer, but rather to make your kid not want porn in the first place. Removing desire is far more effective than trying to cut off supply.

I hate to do it, but I gotta ask, how the hell do you remove desire???? We would probably have a lot fewer teenage pregnancies if you share the secret!

I would do nothing. Except maybe let him/her access my own extensive collection of Ero-Anime.

I would first wonder if it was from pop-ups or those spam emails with links.

I would then wonder why I didn’t have the parental controls on the pc or router to match what I felt as appropriate for the age.

I would then have a conversation to renforce whatever your families feeling and values are about it that you are trying to pass down.

An open door policy is usually the best way to head off secrecy on these kinds of matters. Show them that you are open to finding out what it was about.

I vote for a no shame policy and side on using it as a time to have a healthy open conversation.

The father ended the letter with ”... I couldn’t be more proud of you.” He is obviously ok with his son watching porn under [what he considers] appropriate circumstances, but I don’t understand why he is proud.

@jonsblond That isn’t what I meant about shaming. I am talking about a 13-year old boy feeling that there is something wrong with him for wanting to see other people have porn-style sex. I’m not saying that is an inevitable result of banning porn, I’m just saying it’s hard to know what message the kid is internalizing – they have so many emotions at that age.

For the record, I’m not disagreeing with you about things like keeping computers out of their rooms (though that would probably have more to do with the “being spoiled” aspect than the “what is he looking at” aspect). I just think it’s important to realize that you can’t prevent them from seeing porn or having a porn-skewed vision of what men and women do together – they’re kids! This stuff can spread like wildfire. If you want them to have a better understanding of it, you have to have a real discussion with them.

@glacial I understand that is not what you meant about shaming. I used the word the way I wanted to to get my feelings across. A child shouldn’t feel shamed for being curious, but a child (or adult) should not also feel shamed for being a “late bloomer”. When I mentioned way up above in my first response about a child not having a computer in their room it wasn’t for the reason @jerv thinks (trying to keep my child from watching porn), but for the very reason you and I agree with. I do think a 13 year old having a computer in their room is a spoiled child.

@jerv I would love to know where you get your computers. Every teen I know who has a computer has an expensive computer. One that cost more than $250. That is expensive to me. Even $150 is expensive to me. I don’t even own a smart phone because they are expensive imo. I don’t know why you have used me as an example of an overprotective parent because I’m far from that. I just feel that a 13 year old (not 16, but 13!) is quite young to be viewing internet porn, but that is not the reason why I wouldn’t let them have the computer in the room. Have you raised a teen yet? I can’t remember if you have children or not. I have raised two successfully. I don’t need a lecture from you.

Oh my god, I saw that post on le reddit and I lel’d so hard when the neckbeards proclaimed him to be the next best thing since a bacon statue of Carl “So Brave” Tesla DeGrasse Tyson.That site is just a fucking mess.
I’m not a parent, but I would talk and share my experiences because I’ve been there. I would mention that porn does not depict reality and most people don’t like it when they’re viewed as sex objects. More important, I would listen to whatever they have to say. I’m not going to restrict his/her access to porn or the computer because I don’t feel like that’s productive. I feel like watching porn is more of a symptom than a problem.

Well, we have come a long way baby.
Pre-teen boys swiping a copy of their dads Playboy and ogling over the centerfolds in their tree house 40 years ago is not even close to the mega graphic menu of todays porn venue.
I’ve have witnessed the porn revolution firsthand over the last 35 years. The advent of home video blew the lid wide open and the internet opened the floodgates. From 0–60 in just a couple of decades. I remember when ” Hustler” was considered the raunchiest porn rag out there, heh, todays porn makes Hustler look like a Little Golden Book. lol

And besides at least its internet porn they’re looking at. There are far far worse things on the net that you could find in their history. Like rotten.com or something like that.

@uberbatman OMG! My daughter tricked me into going to rotten.com once…oh man, un-beeeee-lievable! She was 18 though not 13 or I would have tied her up and put her in the closet. lol

Haha. Rotten.com had me completely desensitized to gore and violence by age 15. Not really sure if that’s a good thing or not… I’m just not bothered by seeing stuff like that anymore. Guess that’s one of the facets of growing up in the age of the internet….

At 13, i’d eagerly thumbed through several porn mags, damn those stuck tight pages.
This generation of teens get to view moving images, lucky bastards.
No other discernible difference, just make sure your virus protection is adequate kids!

Rotten is like a zombie. That site has existed for like ten years plus, yet it doesn’t seem that anyone manages or updates it haha. It would appear I’m not the only one who has that site as a significant entry into the soft underbelly of the net.

Well, good thing I don’t have kids then, because I probably wouldn’t mind so much if my 13 year old was checking out porn. What I think is important is talking with your kids about the fine line between reality and fiction, which my dad did with me at a rather early age, knowing full well that I would be accosted by bullshit everywhere and that he couldn’t shield me from it if he had wanted to. My dad was pretty lax about what I watched, but he made sure I understood what it was.

Little anecdote, when I WAS about 13 or so, my dad forgot to take out one of his porn cassettes out of the VCR, so one morning I wanted to watch something and that was in there…I checked it out and saw a bunch of women fucking themselves. I had no interest in seeing this, so I took it out and put in my cartoons. But I did laugh at my dad and gave him back his tape when he got up. Now because it was his fault I had access to this, there wasn’t much he could say, but I knew it was fiction, and I don’t think he would have cared if I had watched the whole thing.

So that doesn’t answer your question, but I’d use my dad’s approach. If I caught my 13 year old watching porn, I’d be a little more worried about how they got it; who gave it to them? How did they find it? Did they get a bunch of viruses in the computer lol? If it was my daughter who was given or sent porn by some older male, that’s what would worry me more.

I’d make sure to explain to them what porn is, and if they absolutely had to watch it, then fine. As said many times already, they ARE going to watch it eventually if they really want to, whether I like it or not. But if I find them distributing this stuff at school or being an idiot with it and getting in trouble, then action and punishment would have to be in order.
I also like Auggie’s point about how we let kids watch violent shit full of nudity and swearing. Why is porn excluded? Probably because it emulates something more realistic… Again, my biggest concern would be that my kid knew the difference between reality and fiction and know that pornography isn’t real life. I didn’t turn out so freakin bad, did I?

@rooeytoo For me, it was basically having it pointed out that the porn you see is all acting, and that sex really isn’t like that. Having things pointed out as a ridiculous farce of reality generally works with me. In a broader sense, bringing your kid up right will make them desire a meaningful relationship over a hot piece of ass, and value a nice personality over a nice rack/package. And “bringing them up right” isn’t locking your kid from things; it’s making them not want those things in the first place.

@jonsblond Most have been hand-me-downs from friends/family who upgraded. For instance, when my gamer buddy upgraded from a 3.4 GHz P4 HT to a Core 2 Quad, I got his old system, which replaced the 1.8 GHz P4 that I got from another friend. Those were hooked to a 17” CRT monitor that I got when my folks upgraded to an LCD flatscreen. Of those I’ve bought, most were someplace like CRS, Of the nine desktops in that picture in the lower-right, all are under $200, and half are under $100.
And I singled you out because you were the loudest, and the one that most countered my own experiences and observations. Squeaky wheel gets the grease, the nail that sticks up gets hammered, and all that.

I think by 13 many young men are interested in sex. So, it isn’t strange to me, and especially with the internet and easy access to porn, that they would seek out porn. I suspect in my youth, at 13 boys shared magazines and pictures they found.

What does concern me, and this is something I would talk to my son about and have my partner speak to him about, is that porn is not a realistic representation of sexual activity and more importantly, relationships. [We did speak to my son about his use of porn.] The desire to view porn (as long as it isn’t an addiction) doesn’t surprise me. The access to and viewing of hard core or deviant pornographic material does.

Interesting news article about this topic. I don’t know who Cindy Gallup is or whether her comments are based on any research, the last two pars of this story are interesting though.

@Bellatrix What about females? The poster doesn’t specify male or female.

True, and I am sure young girls do look at porn but my experience has been, this was something my son was more interested in. I look at porn and I remember finding my dad’s porn stash (very tame stories) and reading them. I would have been around 13 plus. The same argument applies though. Male or female, I would not be bothered by the idea of them using porn but I would be concerned about it become an addiction and about ensuring my daughters (or son) realised the way sex is presented in various types of porn is not a realistic representation.

@jerv My first answer was very identical to the very first poster on this question. I was not loud. Maybe you should reread the first answers on this question. You came at me and I only defended my answer. My answer that was only answering the question that was asked by @wundayatta.

Hm. I did not have a computer of my own until I was 18 I think. There was a shared desktop computer at my moms and also one at my dads. I definitely looked at porn on both of those computers on at least a semi regular basis. I probably started looking at porn when I was 12. At first I’d read the stories and then later I started watching movies. I don’t think my parents ever knew. I also used a Garfield back massager as a vibrator around age 10 I’d say. I am not sexually weird now though and I do not believe it has really affected me. Porn is unrealistic and can create false impressions on people about what sex is….but a lot of our society is like that, most women don’t look like the women you see on TV, in movies, advertisements, or porn. Also though all guys don’t have huge thick dicks. That is seriously one thing that porn did affect in my mind and I think that’s HILARIOUS now! So this didn’t really answer your question but I’m not a parent, though I feel this experience might be relevant in some way.

As a side note: I just watched some porn. I mostly just do it out of boredom, and it’s pretty seldom. Most of the time I’m just annoyed by one thing or the other anyhow and I’m like “Why aren’t I just using my imagination?”