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Mimishu1995's avatar

What should I do in this situation? (extremely long details inside)

Asked by Mimishu1995 (23543points) October 23rd, 2013

Sorry for being too lengthy but I just try to be as detailed as possible. I think it will help you give the best advice possible. Please be patient. I urgently need your help.

First of all let me review the scenario: I have a friend who used to be my classmate at high school. Now she is my university classmate. She’s a very bad-tempered person and when she gets angry, you can possibly guess what happens. She is also kind of childish, sometimes she gets angry with things I can’t understand. We became friends because we sat next to each other at high school. We chatted with each other and occasionally helped each other with our learning. I befriended with her because she was the nearest one to me, though I don’t really think she and I are a good match because of her “weird” character.
At high school she was sociable and enthusiastic. Once she lectured me about the importance of being sociable and responsible (I was very shy back then). But at university everything seemed to turn upside-down: I become super sociable and quickly formed a group of friends with some students, whereas she becomes rather cold and distant. She skips class frequently and tries to avoid group work. At school she chooses to sit in corners where the teachers least notice and do things completely unrelated to the lessons like learning something else or acting bored. No one in my class apart from me seems to like her and there is a rumor among my friend-group that she is planning to move to somewhere far away.

OK, let’s get to the main point.

About a month ago, my weird friend asked me to take her home. That was when the rumor was confirmed: she told me that her family planned to let her study abroad, so she was currently studying “some necessary things” (I guess she intend to get some kind scholarship to save money). Therefore, she was so busy that she could not attend class regularly and do her homework. She then made a deal with me: I did the homework she told me to and handed them down to the teachers in a way that tricked them into thinking she did it, not I. In return, she promised to “pay me back”. I accepted the deal; firstly because I felt rather sorry for her having to prepare for the trip and dealing with schoolwork at the same time; and secondly because I thought she would only ask for help when she was really short of time. She asked me to kept our deal a secret since she was not really sure if her plan would succeed, which I did.

But as time went by I quickly realized I was (possibly) wrong. She asked me to do every homework coming to us, some on which, I know for sure considering her ability, were easy enough for her to do within 15 minutes. What’s more, she even asked me to do some tasks which didn’t seem to be included in our deal at all. For example, one day her English group held a discussion about their upcoming presentation in a certain place (the presentation was an assignment), she told me to attend the meeting on behalf of her and tell to the group she was “too busy to go”. Another time our English teacher asked us to do a research into a certain topic then write a report at the class. My friend told me to write the report beforehand and gave it to her at her home so that she would rewrite it and I would hand down to the teacher, tricking him into thinking my friend had attended the class and had written the report properly (she didn’t go to school at all that day)... I once asked her why I had to attend her group’s meetings and she was like: “I’m busy! You already know that, don’t you?”

I soon felt really annoyed about having to do everything for her, especially when I had a lot of work to do and her extra tasks only made the matter worse. But I just tried to persuade myself that she was just too busy and I was just doing a favor for her (I think I’m kind and ultra-tolerant). It was until three recent events happened that I’m certain that my tolerance is limited and I have to do something.

Firstly, a week ago she put her “fee” inside my schoolbag and told me to see it at home. There was a bag of snack and a package of candies. The snack was of the cheap kind and it was available everywhere. As to the package of candies, I noticed some dead ants inside it. My speculation was that she had already eaten the candies before giving it to me. I was frustrated, but I didn’t tell her in case she would thought I was too demanding.

Secondly, several days ago our English teacher gave each of us a unique, heavily personal-opinion-based writing topic as a mid-term test. She gave me her topic and ask me to write it for her. This is a mid-term test and it is personal-opinion-based, how can I do it for her?

Thirdly, just 2 days ago our computer science teacher asked us to translate some English computer-related documents. The translation was totally optional and anyone who participated would receive bonus marks. She agreed to translate, but then sent me the pages she had to translate and ask me to do all the translation for her. Since it was just an optional task, I was really irritated (and that’s ultimately what drove me to post the question here).

At this point I could have canceled our deal. But I just can’t. As I had stated before, she’s a very bad-tempered person. I was her friend at high school, so I knew how her anger would be. I’ve seen how she vented her anger on me and the other. I don’t know why I just can’t pluck up the courage to tell her straight that I don’t want to continue with our deal anymore and stop everything. But I don’t want the situation to continue. I just can’t stand seeing her get all the fruit while I have to work hard for both my tree and her tree. She may be busy with her work, but is she really that busy to have me do everything? Not to mention she seems to be asking too much from me and my tolerance is running out. Now I’m in a real mess. Could somebody here please give me some advice about this situation?

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32 Answers

glacial's avatar

What should you do? Stop cheating.

What should happen? Both of you should be expelled. Plagiarism is a much more serious offence than either of you appear to realize.

longgone's avatar

Wow. Do you not realize to what extent this girl is taking advantage of you? She has been treating you as her unpaid PA for a month. You both could get into serious trouble if anyone finds out.

What are you afraid of? You wrote: “She’s a very bad-tempered person, and when she gets angry, well, you can possibly guess what happens.”, but I, for one, can’t guess. Care to elaborate?

If her getting angry really worries you that much, try to collect some kind of evidence against her. Do you have any e-mails to prove she asked you to do her homework for you? Tell her you are done being her lackey. If she threatens you, let her know you will report her to a teacher. The problem is, of course, that you have let this happen for a month, so you will get some of the blame. Don’t let this go on any longer!

This will not solve your current problem, but…you definitely need to think about how far you are going to go for other people.

Katniss's avatar

Wow. You definitely get the friend of the year award.

You have to stop what you’re doing and put all that extra effort into your own assignments.
You don’t owe this girl anything. She’s not your friend. A friend would never put you in that position. You have to tell her that you have your own assignments to complete and you are no longer willing to do hers as well. I understand that you’re trying to be a good friend, but it’s not worth the possible consequences.
I’m sure you’ve thought about what this could mean for you if anybody found out what you’ve been doing.
I really don’t know what else to tell you. I wish I had an answer. I’m worried that this is going to blow up in your face. I don’t think the school you attend is going to take this very lightly if they find out.
I wish you the best!!
Keep us posted.

janbb's avatar

You are putting yourself in so much jeopardy and really screwing up your academic career. You must put a stop to this immediately. Tell her you are going to stop doing any work for her at all and if she objects, tell he you will confess the cheating to the academic authorities – putting both your careers at risk.

You have put yourself in a very bad position. Good luck with it and let us know how it goes!

Mimishu1995's avatar

@janbb @Katniss So is there no hope for me right now? I want to end everything silently. Right now nobody knows about the whole affair. If it comes to light, what will people think about me? I know I’ve done something really stupid but at first I didn’t know it would lead to such a situation.

janbb's avatar

I am surprised a teacher has not found out yet. You might dodge a bullet if you stop now but it could blow up in your face at any time. Of course, it is in your friend’s best interest not to tell so you may get away with it if you are lucky. But you should think about what an unethical and risky thing you have done.

Mimishu1995's avatar

@janbb Maybe I need a negotiation. What do you think I should tell her, considering the fact that she is a very bad-tempered person?

Katniss's avatar

@Mimishu1995 I’m not saying there isn’t any hope. I truly hope you come out of this unharmed and wiser.
It seems to me like you’ve been bullied. We all know that you’re just trying to be a good friend.
It needs to stop right now though. Nothing good can possibly come from this. You already know this.

janbb's avatar

@Mimishu1995 There’s nothing to negotiate. You just have to tell her that you can’t do her work any more. If you are physically afraid of her do it in a public place. There’s not much she can do about it because she is in as much trouble as you if it comes out.

I was going to suggest writing her a letter but that could be incriminating.

Mimishu1995's avatar

I’ve just come up with a plan, though I know it may be stupid: I won’t tell her directly that I want to end the deal. I’ll say my parents has discovered me doing her homework. They are not pleased with me doing something like that but that’s all they know. I then warn her they are keeping an eye on me and if we don’t stop now then eventually they will find out the truth. Is it OK?

Katniss's avatar

My concern here is if she’s going to “study abroad” is she really going to care about being kicked out of school? Or is this something that will follow her to other schools? I’m not sure how that works.

Katniss's avatar

@Mimishu1995 Judging by what you’ve told us about her, I’m not sure she’d even care.
You could try it, of course, but I don’t think it will stop her abuse. It’s all about her.

josie's avatar

My advice is to stop cheating as soon as possible. Her too. But you asked.

glacial's avatar

@Mimishu1995 There is no need to make up more lies. Just stand up for yourself and tell her you won’t do it any longer. Done. If she gets mad, she gets mad. You are both old enough to be in university; what can you possibly be afraid of?

marinelife's avatar

Stop. It os wrong what you are doing. Turn her in. Then she will be so busy she cannot get mad at you. If you are worried when you tell her, take along a big guy.

Mimishu1995's avatar

@Katniss Regarding to your question “My concern here is if she’s going to “study abroad” is she really going to care about being kicked out of school? Or is this something that will follow her to other schools?”, I don’t even know if she is truthful about the “studying abroad” fact, let alone if she cares about being kicked out. Sometimes when I go past her I see her doing some French exercises so I guess she may be telling the truth. What I feel suspicious is that whether it really takes her so much time to learn her things.

janbb's avatar

@marinelife If she turns her in, then Mimishu is also in trouble. It is a thorny problem but I agree, it must stop.

Katniss's avatar

@Mimishu1995 I wish there was an easy answer to this. This is quite the dilemma.
Tell her today, if you can, that you will no longer help her and you are no longer interested in socializing with her.
If she tries to get you in trouble, have some kind of defense ready. I wonder if telling the powers that be you were being bullied and you were concerned about your safety would help?
It’s not really a lie.

Mimishu1995's avatar

@Katniss I think she will go easier on me if she thinks (or at least persuaded to think) that her safety is at risk. That’s why I suggest the plan of lying to her about my parents’ discovery

janbb's avatar

@Mimishu1995 Here’s a thought. How would they react if you actually did tell your parents about it? Would they understand and help you.

But I think there will be a real benefit from this if you can learn to stand up for yourself. You have been a pushover here.

Katniss's avatar

@Mimishu1995 If you think that will work, then most definitely give it a try!

glacial's avatar

@Mimishu1995 But what does “go easier on me” actually mean? Do you think she will hit you? Or are you just afraid of having a confrontation, in which someone is angry at you? I agree with @janbb, there will be a benefit for you to be honest and brave here. This lesson would be good for you to learn, since the entire matter is about being dishonest in your academic career. The consequences for dishonesty are worse than the consequences of honesty.

Strauss's avatar

@Mimishu1995 As has been posted above, you are jeopardizing your academic career and your ethical reputation. This “friend” seems like nothing of the sort. From your description of the situation, she seems to be a person who manipulates and bullies her way into everything, instead of doing the correct, ethical thing. If I were you I would do everything in my power to get out from under her thumb. to use your metaphor, you are tending her tree at the risk of neglecting your own! If a teacher finds out, it seems to me that you have more to lose than she does, since she has decided that she’s moving on to something else.

ninjacolin's avatar

@Mimishu1995, tell me.. Is she one of the Soprano’s kids or is she just a nobody with a bad temper?

Dr_Lawrence's avatar

Your “friend” has been exploiting you and taking unfair advantage of your generous nature. Others have correctly identified how much risk you face and how unwise your conduct is.
For your own self-respect as well as academic safety, you must terminate this arrangement. This person is no friend to you. I am sure you are a good friend. You deserve better treatment!

deni's avatar

If you can’t straight up tell her, then sure, tell her your parents found out and it needs to end immediately. She would have to be a complete idiot not to understand! I know she has a temper, but what is she going to do? Beat you up? Take someone else with you if thats what you are afraid of and do it in public or at school. She can’t freak out because she is in the wrong too and if she makes it a big deal, or hurts you, or tries to hurt you, she will be in even MORE trouble.

Mimishu1995's avatar

I want to add a detail: I’ve just found out she told her parents about about the deal even before she told me. I don’t know for sure if they know she is asking from me more than she stated in the deal, but do her parents really approve of her cheating? Just knowing that even get on my nerve more

Adagio's avatar

@Mimishu1995 you need to stop giving this person so much power over yourself. Standing up for yourself is hugely self-empowering, scary sometimes I know but empowering nonetheless. This person is very bad tempered? So what, don’t allow the thought of her very bad temper to ‘blackmail’ you.

serenityNOW's avatar

@Mimishu1995 – I’ve read this whole thread, and numerous times you’ve said she is a ”bad-tempered” individual. I wish you could go in more depth on that one. Many above have suggested bringing along another classmate and telling her in public. To be blunt, I think adding the bit about your folks is preposterous. Adding lies on top of lies is bad business. It’s time for you to be honest. Just my take. Good luck!

raven860's avatar

Wow. What the hell? Are you kidding? I would stop this so called “deal” immediately. You seem gullible and she is exploiting you. Furthermore you are breaking the law and risking your life and career over her immaturity. She is most likely doing drugs and partying…

And candy? I would honestly expect this kind of thinking and deal to be done by kindergartners…not college students.

I challenge you to break your deal with her and breaking contact with her. To me it seems you are too much of a cowards to do so. If that is true, recruit the help of your friends.

blueiiznh's avatar

She is using you. Simply stop as you are better than this.
This is a one sided deal anyway as there is nothing tangible that could even equate what you are doing.
it is also wrong and misleading to knowingly be doing work for another person’s benefit like this. You are not only putting yourself at risk academically but also emotionally.
Have the courage, strength and character to simply stop this.

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