How does one "let go" of another person who is still an integral part of one's life?

I am still in the process of letting go; it waxes and wanes depending on the triggers. (I miss sharing the old jokes and anecdotes; the things only the two of us know.) But we are fortunate in that our friends and activities had diverged a great deal so we are no longer active presences in each other’s lives. even though we live only 12 miles apart. I would like us to have some degree of friendship but his ungracefulness – or lack of desire – have ended that possibility for now. We are still civil to each other and business partners in some ventures. I am amazed by how little of a connection having adult kids in common is; although that is painful too. I guess I am finding that the less I see him and know of his life, the better it is for me.

I think your situation sounds very hard. Do you have a communicating relationship with your ex-wife? Would it be at all possible to ask her why she is critical of your ideas in front of the group? Is there something particularly annoying her right now?

I think it would be very hard to let go while she is an active participant in your activities but maybe you can negotiate a peace.

With great difficulty sometimes.

Thank you, @janbb. Yes, we communicate, and my best friend also suggested I call my ex and ask about the strain. I may well try that, asking something along the lines of what can I do to correct anything I’ve done.

“What can I do to correct anything I’ve done?” puts you in the defensive position already. How about, “There seemed to be some strain between us at the performance and the diner last weekend. Is something going on that we need to talk about?”

This might sound silly but you can ask your ex for help letting her go. It sounds like you are on speaking terms and that is ahead of my parents who are divorced.

Edit: @Janbb has the same answer.

Have you given her any warning about her conduct? In work environments, the employee is usually given a warning about their conduct before they can be legally fired (which is why documentation of their behaviour is so important.) Since you are in a position of authority, I would recommend asking her to a business meeting where you can lay out your cards and tell her that while her input and feedback is appreciated, her challenge to your authority as the director is inappropriate. If her behavior persists after speaking with her, then I would consider letting her go.

I don’t have experience with letting go of someone I know, but I did have to confront a student recently about their conduct in my classroom. That was difficult enough on its own. I can only imagine how much more tense it would be confronting someone I was close to.

The most important thing here that I can see is to maintain your own aplomb in the community, within the theater group, and most importantly in front of your kids. And then you have to learn to ignore what she says.

If she brings it up at the board, smile, say thank you and then ignore what she says. The rest of the people who hear what she says will eventually realize she is just bitter and vindictive, and will start to ignore her too. And if the Board or others side with her, then be gracious and accept their decision.

The hardest part of letting go is realizing you can’t change her, you can only change your reaction to her. So don’t give her the satisfaction of seeing you or hearing of you, being upset. You have power over your reaction, don’t give it to her!

@zenvelo The hardest part of letting go is realizing you can’t change her, you can only change your reaction to her. Thank you. That is what I needed to hear.

Just as an example of what @zenvelo says, in a divorce meeting yesterday, the lawyers asked about my new dog. When I showed an adorable picture of him to my Ex, he said, “It’s a dog.” It was exactly the kind of dismissive remark that hurt me all through my marriage and this time, I just took it as further evidence of “Good riddance.” (Which doesn’t mean I can always react that healthily.)

Don’t, please, confront her. It really wouldn’t serve a purpose. It would be like picking a scab. The reason she is your ex is because the two of you did not function well together. Trying to open a conversation regarding her current behavior is just inviting the wound to bleed anew. You need to think of her as a human, not your human, and not connected to you. What connected you is dead. Mourn it, but do not drag it around. People who drag around the morbid corpse of past relationships appeal to no one. You need to gain strength as an individual. You are no longer a couple .Sure, it’s tough. You don’t have to stop loving what had been good, but that’s gone.
I think you might try to contact her, but not as an emasculated ex lover seeking her approval. Try a greeting card, one of those picture only ones. Write a note, telling her you feel she is being rude and insensitive on this particular matter, and would she be good enough to avoid speaking on the subject. Avoid being defensive, or making accusations. Just state your case, and maybe wish her a good day. Don’t get personal.
When you see her in public, do your best not to stare, or keep looking at her like she shouldn’t be “Clear over there”.
Develope a new habit, or give new time to an old one. Fish, or hike, or take a road trip on a motorcycle,or paint, or start an herb garden. It will help you give new strength to an indivual who used to be part of a couple. You sort of had an amputation. You need to build up to make up for the missing part (of your life).

@Jonesn4burgers Just so you know – the theater is Hawaii_Jake’s life and he shouldn’t have to give it up. WE don’t really know how the relationship works between him and his Ex works but it appears he needs to have some involvement with her in the theater and with his kids. He is a very strong person who is coping with a great deal so your advice, while good in the general, might not all apply.

I didn’t suggest even slightly that anyone quit their job. I also did not suggest that he not communicate with his ex at all. I wrote my advice pertaining only to the question he asked, regarding how to deal with one situation. I am not a child. I have been through HORRIBLE experiences. I live still. I gave advice which come from having experiences. I am a real person too. I lost my ability to do almost everything I have ever loved doing. It is possible to survive that. I certainly would not advise someone to give up the most rewarding thing about their life. I advised him to get a hobby, not replace theater. I stand by every word. He does have the choice whether to take my advice or not.

@Jonesn4burgers That’s fine. I wasn’t trying to be snarky or invalidate your advice, just adding some information that I know about Jake. Sorry if it came across as criticism.