General Question

angryrabbi's avatar

Whats the best way to dispose of a body?

Asked by angryrabbi (13points) June 29th, 2008
Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

36 Answers

damien's avatar

It depends how mangled it is.. Embalm it, dress it up all fancy and pretend it’s a mannequin if it’s not too bad or sell body parts on the black market (or to old people depending on age of said body) if it’s a bit of a mess.

gailcalled's avatar

Syz already gave us a perfect answer on the question about what questions don’t belong on Fluther. And perhaps angry + rabbi is not a good juxtaposition of words.

Syg said:“The best place to hide a body is in a hyena enclosure. They are the last of the great bone breakers. Their jaws are powerful enough to pulverize even skulls, femurs and pelvis (hmm, what’s the plural of pelvis?) for ingestion and their GI system breaks down material so effectively, there is practically nothing for forensic identification.”

@Damien; no ageism here, please. You will find yourself old eventually, unless you know something we don’t.

damien's avatar

And that’s when I’ll be on the market for some new body parts.

gailcalled's avatar

I hope you have an organ donor card in your wallet – to spread the wealth around should something unspeakable happens. And I do wish you long life and prosperity.

Spargett's avatar

Either pigs or somewhere far out in the ocean away from shipping lines.

You’ll need either a small plane or a boat. Be careful of trace evidence. With that, you can still be convicted of murder, even without the body.

brownlemur's avatar

@gail – Pelves is the plural of pelvis.

Tasmanian Devils can also chomp through bones, so maybe a hyena/Tassie devil duo would do the job.

gailcalled's avatar

@Thanks, brownlemur: it was Syz who was brooding about cadaver disposal and the plural of pelvis. But I am glad to know in case I have to use them in a sentence.

Upward's avatar

Assuming they died from natural causes or you accidently killed them…. Call 911 they will help handle the details….

If you’ve come along a body which you can’t explain, you might need to try this…

Rent a plane and dump the body in the Bermuda Triangle, the ocean is very deep there, after you “lose” the pilot and the plane, parachute to a waiting boat in the Triangle. “Lose” the ship captain and sink the boat, taking a small dingy to the closest land. If anyone seems suspicious you’ll need to take them on this same journey. The whole thing will end up looking like another mystery of the Triangle.

I’m sure there are easier ways, but this one will make a better movie plot after you’re caught.

jrpowell's avatar


First, be smart from the very beginning. Pulverize all teeth, burn off fingerprints, and disfigure the face. Forcing a DNA test to establish identity (if it ever comes to that) might introduce the legal/forensic hurdle that saves your ass down the line. An unidentifiable body can, in a pinch, be dressed in thrift store clothes and dropped in a bad part of town where the police are less likely to question it. I don’t reommend that disposal method, I’m just saying an easily identifiable body is an even bigger threat than the opposite.

Assuming you have it inside a house where you can work on it a bit, the first thing you want to do is drain it of fluids. This will make it easier to cut up, and slow decomposition a little bit. The best way to do this quick and dirty is to perforate the body with a pointed knife, and then perform CPR on it. Cut the fronts of the thighs deep, diagonally, to slit the femoral arteries. Then pump the chest. The valves in the heart will still work when dead, and the springback of the ribcage can put apply a fair amount of suction to the artria. Do this in a tub. Plug the drain, and mingle lots of bleach with the bodily fluids before unplugging the drain to empty the tub. This should help control the stench of death, which would otherwise reek from your gutter gratings. Do everything you can to control odors. Plug in an ionizer, burn candles, leave bowls of baking soda everywhere. Ventilate the room in the middle of the night, but otherwise keep it closed. Keep the body under a plastic sheet while it’s in the tub.

If you want to bury, I recommend seperating the body into several parts, and burying them seperately. For one thing, it’s easier to dig a deep enough hole for a head than for an entire body. this reduces your chances of being discovered while you are actually outside and digging the grave.

That is the one thing you can’t do inside the doors of your house, and represents a vulnerable moment you want to keep brief, under 2 hours. Do it between 3 and 5 am. It’s also less likely for someone to call the police if their dog digs up some chunk of meat, than if they dig up an enitre body. They may assume it’s an animal carcass disfigured by decomposition, and leave it alone or dispose of it. It’s also more likely that the dog will consume all of it before anyone knows the difference. A whole skeleton is another story. You can cut a body into 6 pieces faster than you think. It’s not much different than boning a chicken, but it takes more work, a big knife, and time. A hammer will be useful for pulverizing joints or driving the knife deep where it doesn’t want to go. Anyway it’s wise to crush as much of the skeleton as you can along the way. It will aid in making the body less identifiable for what it is as it decomposes.

Don’t return to the same site 6 times for 6 burials.You’ll attract suspicion from anyone nearby, and you’ll wind up placing the body parts close enough together to be found by any serious investigation. Put them in plastic bags with lots of bleach, and store in a freezer until you have enough time to bury them all.

Depending on what tools you have available, you may find that you’re get really good at deconstructing the body. You might prefer to slowly sprinkle it down a drain without leaving your house. This avoids the long-term risk of discovery associated with burial, and the overwhelming supply of bacteria in a sewer accelerates decomposition, whil e providing a convenient cover smell.

Truly grinding down a body takes a lot more work, and you run the risk of fouling your plumbing and calling in a plumber. So don’t try it unless you know how to clear bones and meat out of a drainpipe. A good food processor can be useful. But don’t over-use it, or power drills or saws. They’re noisy and they attract attention. And forget the kitchen sink. It’s better if you actually remove one of the toilets in your house from its base, which will give you direct access to one of the largest sewer pipes that enters your house. Follow any disposals with lots of bleach and then run the water for 5 or 10 minutes on top of that. And plug that pipe when you’re not using it, to prevent any sewer gasses from backing up into your house. Usually, a U-trap inside the toilet does that for you.

delirium's avatar

You have to be prepared to do a LOT of extra work to get rid of a body (if you don’t have access to a small plane, boat, zoo, etc…)

First: Get a deer carcass and a turkey or two.
Second: Disarticulate both the human and the deer cadaver. Do NOT use a chainsaw, even though this will be hard and incredibly messy work. Cover everything in plastic, a la dexter, and be sure that your tool of choice is something VERY COMMON that was purchased a long time ago. An axe would be ideal. Disarticulate both bodies. Remove the organs from both the deer and the human torso. Split the spine in half (ribs and pelvis). Bag everything that matches. Use heavy duty bags and bag them multiple times. Throw in the turkey or two with the skulls and the pelves.
Third: Get ahold of a large vehicle of some type or another. Put each bag (one at a time) on plastic in a parkinglot with a board placed over it. Drive over the bags until flat. Be sure not to make a mess.
Fourth: Dispose of the contents of each bag deep in the woods. If you have coyotes, all the better. Do not bury the contents. Just dump it.
Fifth: BLEACH EVERYTHING. Bleach the plastic before disposal. Bleach the shoes you wore, the clothes you wore, the vehicles tires, the axe. Everything. Dispose.

I hope that you didn’t actually ask this out of necessity. If you did…. I hope its a republican. ;)
(If you did ask it out of necessity… ignore all my information. Wrap the body in plastic, bury it in a park woods or dump it in a lagoon.)

delirium's avatar

Other significantly faster method, if you’re daring… Go to a graveyard, watch for a recent burial, bury body with other body. Exhumation is a very complicated, public process. Keep an eye out for that happening. If it does, leave the country the second you hear exhumation discussed.

Also, there are visible problems with a lot of the methods mentioned in the metafilter thread. The one you posted is best, JP. But the rest of the responses are people who are simply making my job easier by not taking everything in to account. ;)

Upward's avatar

Did anyone notice this is angryrabbi’s first question?

xxporkxsodaxx's avatar

Get a PVC plastic or Polyurethane tub and the put the body in there with hydrochloric acid and just make sure none of the limbs that are hanging out don’t fall on the floor after about an hour. Be sure to wear proper handling gear, like a gas mask and an apron with gloves(the ones that go up to the shoulders) that are made out of one of the materials previously posted. After all that dump the disgusting liquid that’s left, and I guess you could get rid of the tup if you wanted.

Yea I noticed it was his first, I honestly don’t care what he/she gets themself into, what they do with their personal life is none of our business.

iceblu's avatar

@Upward yea, thats kinda spooky

butters326's avatar

just to make sure,this is being traced to the FBI..
you might be joking but,just to be sure

xxporkxsodaxx's avatar

Wow, butters, if your being serious, your pretty lame.

Upward's avatar

@xxporkxsodaxx – “Don’t Care” How humanitarian of you… Would you feel the same if you knew they were living next to you or your loved ones?

FBI's avatar

Agent butters, thank you for reporting this. We will take care of the rest.

Upward's avatar

Oh look….. the FBI joined Fluther today!

xxporkxsodaxx's avatar

“Humanitarian: Concerned with or seeking to promote human welfare” that is the definition from Webster’s, not caring would be the opposite of humanitarian. Also, what if they lived next to me? I’m not dead, none of my family has been murdered, and if the FBI is really on this case, then he would be arrested within a week if nothing goes wrong(assuming he/she is already on the run). Also I wouldn’t be surprised if you or butters made that profile for the FBI.

jlm11f's avatar

@pork – the “how humanitarian of you” was Upward being sarcastic. he/she knows the definition.

xxporkxsodaxx's avatar

I hope so, but I’ve threadjacked to much this week so put this thing back on track and join me in the chat room if you want.

Upward's avatar

To be clear… Everything I’ve said in this thread except “Assuming they died from natural causes or you accidently killed them…. Call 911 they will help handle the details….”
was all sarcasm.

xxporkxsodaxx's avatar

I didn’t read many previous posts, thought that really long one by JP was interesting.

Central_Intellegence_Agency's avatar

FBI, get out of here. This is our turf. We have it under control.

Upward's avatar

@FBI & CIA – You might want to use undercover names in here!

eambos's avatar

We already know that fluther is a front for the CIA.

elchoopanebre's avatar

I would put the body in a wood chipper and collect the contents in a garbage bag.

Then I would go on a deep sea fishing trip and empty the contents of the bag in the ocean.

(I’ve asked myself this question numerous times before and always wonder why I’ve never heard of anyone doing it).

delirium's avatar

Wood chipper is not a good ideaaaaaaa….

elchoopanebre's avatar

Why not?

Just do it in the woods and be sure to catch everything that flies out.

Bones? Fingerprints? Not any more…

delirium's avatar

….. wood chippers don’t chip fine enough. I’ve put back together bones that went through one. There’s a lot of other reasons but If I said everything i’d be out of a job. ;)

elchoopanebre's avatar

Well, I’d be brave (stupid) enough to try it….

Mainly because I loved that part in the movie Fargo.

thebeadholder's avatar

Call in the “cleaner”...

Knotmyday's avatar

Trollops and whiskey. Oh, you meant other bodies. Hm.

bacnaib's avatar

serve it with some delightful fava beans and a glass of chianti (sp?)...and devour it!! every last bite :)

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