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sirabi's avatar

Thoughts on casual relationships?

Asked by sirabi (27points) April 21st, 2014

I’m looking for some opinions/experiences with casual relationships from both male and female perspectives.

This is my condensed story, if you have time! :

I’ve recently engaged in a casual, sexual relationship with a man. We met about two years ago through my good friend (and were instantly attracted to each other); however, at the time we were both in relationships. Recently, my good friend, his girlfriend and this man, have been getting together now and then – going out for drinks, staying in watching tv, going out to dinner. However, we haven’t labelled anything ‘a date.’

Recently we have both gotten out of our relationships. We have talked about our attraction for each other, but agreed that we are not going to discuss a ‘relationship’ right now, as it is not the right time. He also let me know that he does not view me as someone he just wants to sleep with, but is attracted to me ‘on other levels.’ (I made sure to ask him his intentions) I thought about the situation, and after some debate, decided that I’d like to see him. However, since this is a new situation for me, sometimes I feel unsure about it. I get a little bit skeptical about whether he really is attracted to me ‘on other levels’, or just says that. Although I am not looking for or expecting a relationship out of this, I would feel completely uncomfortable if he were ‘sweet talking’ me. Perhaps I shouldn’t be so skeptical about it, but I can’t help it sometimes.

So far, I’ve spent the night at his place after the four of us (my two good friends, him and I) went out. And last weekend, we spent our first evening together – he paid for dinner, we talked a bit about ourselves, watched a movie and he invited me to stick around the next day till late afternoon. If he were just in it for sex, a man wouldn’t do those type of things, right?

He texted me a few days later saying he had a great time, but we haven’t really talked or texted since last weekend. But that’s how it should be for a casual relationship I suppose? I don’t enjoy conversations through text, but I don’t feel it’s a good idea to call considering we decided we aren’t looking to date right now.

Next time we get together, I plan on asking him his expectations, what he’s looking for and boundaries to avoid the situation from getting weird, and to make sure we stay on the same page, but till then, I was just curious about other peoples experiences similar to this.

Do you think he is genuine? Do men do those sorts of things if it’s ‘just sex?’ Am I thinking about it WAY too much? That’s probably a yes, but hey, this is new for me. I appreciate any opinions/stories/experiences! Thanks. :)

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9 Answers

cheebdragon's avatar

You’re putting way too much thought into it.

When you stayed at his house, did you actually have sex?

pleiades's avatar

“Thoughts on casual relationships?”

Waste of time, follow your goals and dreams.

seekingwolf's avatar

I see them as waste of time too. I don’t have sex outside of serious, committed, long term relationships.

Why waste your time? Why not either invest effort into looking for someone worthwhile or taking a break from dating until you feel ready to look again?

zenvelo's avatar

Do you see him as a potential long term partner? Or someone to have sex with and spend enjoyable time with, but no commitment? Ask yourself that.

You ask if he would do that just for casual sex. Yes, he would, it’s more than just sex, but it is not commitment. And you cannot expect him to be there for you emotionally unless he offers it to you. But for now, he gets to hangout with someone likes spending time with, have doe sex, and then go on to his home and other stuff without having to worry about you.

GloPro's avatar

I feel ya. Unless you discuss to what level your relationship is as far as exclusivity, then don’t assume anything. If you catch him deceiving you at this stage then please leave him.

Smitha's avatar

Here we can just make assumptions because we don’t know this person and also don’t know what’s going on in his head. In normal situation when a person tells you that he is not ready for a relationship he is actually telling you that he wants to keep his options open. He wants to do whatever he wants without being tied down. Right now, he has complete freedom and he is happy with that but in your case, like others have mentioned it’s a waste of time. Right now he’s not ready, but when he will be ready one day will he choose you as the one?
Just move forward, keep looking for the right one. Here you are just risking your heart on a man that is not willing to give his own in return.

cazzie's avatar

I had a f- buddy for about a year. It just suited us at the time, but we knew we were sort of being lazy. We both wanted to find someone special but we knew that we weren’t ‘it’ for each other, but we were ‘ok’ together. I finally broke it off. He was such a nice guy and he deserved to find someone. We were ‘hanging out’ because it was comfortable and convenient and I really liked him as a person and respected him, but it was clear we weren’t falling in love and weren’t going to. I do think it helped us get over the people we had most recently broken up with, though. We had both been in long term relationships and were getting over them. We weren’t seeing anyone else and we would have told each other if we had met someone.
I don’t do one night stands. He wasn’t a ‘hook-up’. He was someone I got to know after a few dates and we just sort of fell together for company. We knew after a while that I was a bit too progressive and intellectual and he was a bit too old fashioned and uncomplicated and we weren’t suited, but for just keeping each other company, it didn’t matter. It was nice, but we both knew there would be a time to move on. We had long talks and it helped us both realise what we wanted. He didn’t deceive me and we were always honest. I know that I could call this guy tomorrow and catch up and we would still be friends. That was something we talked about and it was important to us. I never felt disrespected by him.
You need to have the ‘Define the Relationship’ talk and let each other know what you will and won’t abide or feelings and egos will get hurt and you won’t part as friends.

Haleth's avatar

It sounds like you’re new friends who are hanging out and hooking up. It can be really nice to have a friendship like that, if he actually treats you as a friend. It should be fun, kind, and respectful. If you don’t like the way things are heading, or think you’re having one-sided feelings for him, maybe you should dial it back. It might be good to hang out with him in a non-sexual context, or take some time to think about what you want here.

Safie's avatar

You are both consenting adults, but maybe you should have asked him his expectations before sex that way there can be no misunderstandings at all from the get go, and you would know what to expect and where you stand.. but things happen, you need to know exactly where you stand or want.

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