Social Question

alice123's avatar

Am I reading the signals correctly?

Asked by alice123 (22points) May 12th, 2014

There’s a man at work that (I think) has feelings for me, and I really need some help here, to make sure I don’t just think he does.
First of all, he is always really nice to me, asks me how I’ve been, also asks many questions that seem kind of irrelevant (but he doesn’t ever become annoying). He’s the kind of man that everyone has to respect, I get the “doesn’t he make you feel nervous?” question from other people at work. But he’s all so sweet to me, always. He plays with my hair, touches my arms, shoulders, waist, or face and leaves his hand there for a few seconds, so nice… Once, he kissed me on the forehead while holding my face in his hands. And, a couple days ago, I asked him when I’ll see him again and he said “you can see me anytime you want” while again touching my face and looking in my eyes. Then he said we could go out for coffee sometime.
But there’s this whole work thing, if anything ever happens noone should know and everything will eventually become a huge mess. I know.
Tell me, please, what do you think? Is there a chance? Am I crazy to think there is something going on? And if I am right, how should I handle this? I want this, but…. it’s crazy, isn’t it?

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23 Answers

janbb's avatar

First of all, make sure he’s not married. Sometimes guys who come on strong at work are looking for something extra-marital. Your description is raising red flags to me although I may be wrong.

alice123's avatar

@janbb He’s not married, I know that for sure.

janbb's avatar

Then I do think the touching behaviors in the workplace are a bit inappropriate but it does sound like he is coming on to you. If you want to take it further, then go for it but just realize that workplace romances can be troublesome. But then so can any other ones too!

alice123's avatar

@janbb I’m not crazy then? Nice! But yes, I’m afraid it might (and quite possibly will) cause us trouble. And I just have to keep working there, it’s not something I could easily leave behind if things got weird.

GloPro's avatar

I’d say everyone already knows.

Why would you settle for being a man’s secret?

alice123's avatar

@GloPro I wouldn’t want anyone to know, so I suppose he’d be my secret?

GloPro's avatar

Why don’t you want anyone to know? Think deeply about the standards you want to set for yourself in a relationship and the reasons you set them.
I suppose if you just want to get laid that’s an exception.

CWOTUS's avatar

Welcome to Fluther.

If he’s touching and kissing you at work, then you should expect that people already know. Unless you’re doing it in a locked room, closet, freezer, etc., in which case you can assume that people believe you’ve already gone pretty far past the holding-hands-and-stealing-an-occasional-kiss level.

PS: If he’s in a supervisory position over you, then he’s not being at all nice; he’s being manipulative and inappropriately aggressive, and contributing to a hostile work environment. Maybe not for you, and maybe not right now, but others are going to make assumptions about the treatment that he accords you vs. how he treats them and rightly or wrongly assume that favoritism is involved. It could also hurt you in your career in the long run.

alice123's avatar

@GloPro Because we’d get fired. If anything happens, it will stay secret. And no, I don’t “just want to get laid”, I want a lot of things, not just that, nope… I wouldn’t have asked this question if it was just about that.
@CWOTUS Thanks! Um… we do have some of time alone, in a way that noone would see anything, or suspect anything. And that kiss was the only kiss that ever happened.

GloPro's avatar

So he’s your boss. I get the excitement factor, but I’d steer clear. Or get another job and go for it. Have you done detective work to see if you are the first?

alice123's avatar

@Glo Pro Not exactly my boss, and he would be in more trouble than I would. I don’t know if I’m the first, I have no idea. I just know that he’s not another disgusting guy who looks at me like I’m a piece of meat or something. I see something possibly meaningful and that’s why I’m getting so worried and crazy about this situation.

GloPro's avatar

Don’t fish from the company pond. Start looking for employment elsewhere and go for it with him publicly. If he isn’t into that idea drop him.

alice123's avatar

@CWOTUS um.. that’s why I’d keep it a secret. And won’t do anything, I suppose…

Why does the fact that I can’t have him make me want to be with him even more?

Kardamom's avatar

I think it’s pretty odd that any co-worker (that you’re not already dating) would be touching your hair and holding your face in his hands and kissing you on the forehead. What professional man does that??? You should have gone to Human Resources Dept. immediately.

You’re describing him as sweet, but I’d say the dude is a creepy creep. I don’t know how old you are, but by the time you’re my age, you will probably be able to spot a creep from 20 paces.

If you know that either he or you could get in trouble for getting into a relationship, then cool it right now! Don’t be a fool.

Find a guy outside of work who’s also not a “disgusting guy who looks at me like I’m a piece of meat…” Not all guys suck, just ask the men and women of Fluther who know great guys. Some of them are on this site.

chyna's avatar

Nothing about the situation you describe sounds as if it will turn out well.
Sneaking around with someone may seem fun at first, but when you realize you can’t go to the company picnic with him, or the Christmas dinner/dance, or you can’t tell anyone about your feelings, you will get tired of it.

As someone above said, it really does sound creepy that he is touching you the way he is without first dating.

Your question is “Does he have feelings for me?” I honestly can’t answer that from your details. He could, or he could be doing this same thing with many women in the workplace. I would step back from the situation and really get a feel for who this man really is. Actually, I think you shouldn’t even date in the workplace because more times than not, it doesn’t end well.

marinelife's avatar

He is definitely expressing interest in something—probably something sexual. Tell him to either ask you out or quit touching you at work. Which, by the way, he should do anyway even if you two have a dating relationship.

Ask him frankly if he is free to date. If he is, there is no reason why he shouldn’t have asked you out already.

Cruiser's avatar

I would say PM @hypocrisycentral I imagine you both could have a meaningful conversation.

LuckyGuy's avatar

Oh man! If you have to hide it that’s your first sign of a problem.
Are you sure he is not married? If it all blows up and you lose your job can you manage?
This sounds like a disaster waiting to happen

Inspired_2write's avatar

There’s a man at work that (I think) has feelings for me, and I really need some help here, to make sure I don’t just think HE DOES?
never mind about HOE HE FEELS…more on HOW YOU FEEL!
If you are haveing ANY DOUBT…than that is your flag to let this one go.
He is clearly manipulating your emotions to SHOW YOU or more like CONVINCE you that he MAY be a lovable ,romantic man while in the process HE is SEXUALLY attracted FIRST!
Show up at a company party WITH ANOTHER MAN and see IF he still lingers on?
Why would you settle for a “tete a Tete” affair when you have the possiblility of finding one more suitible for you, and IS available to go anywhere with you.
He could very well be insecure and testing his prowess in ‘hooking” you?
give it lots of space and time and IF it is sincere he will wait until YOU initiate it.
Let him know that you are not available for one night stands. ( if you wish to have a normal relationship that will last the initial attraction).

El_Cadejo's avatar

” Am I crazy to think there is something going on? ”

You’d be crazy to think there wasn’t something going on. He wants to fuck you at the very least. Who knows if he wants a relationship and such but hiding it is a HORRIBLE idea. You’re not children anymore, if you can’t be proud about your relationship publicly it shoudln’t be occuring in the first place. If that means one of you needs a new job, so-be-it, but if you do decide to keep it a secret, well….

jca's avatar

You want to be in a relationship where you’re sneaking around with your coworker. How is the relationship going to progress? You can’t be seen in public because your other coworkers might see you. So what’s next? A booty call to his house? or he goes to your house? Maybe the whole sneaking around thing is intriguing and exciting to you, but it’s not a normal relationship. As far as him touching you at work, I’m sure others have noticed, or noticed that the two of you are together in the supply closet or wherever it is that you go. People may play like they don’t notice, but believe me, they do and they all talk. It’s bad for you at work and it will be awkward with a capital “A” if the relationship goes bad.

If you’re really attracted to him and see a potential partner, then have a discussion with him and put the whole thing out in the open. To me, though, anybody who pets his coworker and kisses his coworker is doing what my employer refers to as “Sexual Harassment” and there’s a policy in place where that’s grounds for dismissal.

Strauss's avatar

I would suggest a lunch first, then see where it goes from there. If it looks like it’s going to be more than “just friends” you need to be specific about what is shared with other co-workers, and establish boundaries between what is strictly work-related.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

You’re reading the signals, as in he really want’s to do you, but you’re missing all the warning signs, the red flags waving, and the alarm bells going crazy. Step back for a minute and think this over. The contact is very inappropriate and totally wrong in a workplace. If he’s supervisory he’s abusing his position. Which should tell you a lot about his character. I smell sleaze, big time.

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