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chelle21689's avatar

At what point do you cut off opposite sex friends in your relationship if you have nothing to hide?

Asked by chelle21689 (7406points) September 16th, 2014

This has been on my mind a lot lately considering what my friend is going through. I’ve been reading a lot about emotional affairs and warning signs.

In my past relationship I’ve had a couple friendships that fit some signs of emotional affairs but there were no feelings involved or attraction. When I say it fits I mean by talking every day for hours and talking about issues included. They say you shouldn’t talk about issues to avoid affairs but if you do this with your girlfriends why can’t you do this with a guy friend where you see each other as bro/sis in a way where you can’t imagine dating them ?

Looking back, I think if this situation were to arise, I’ve learned that it doesn’t really matter if there’s no feelings for each other with a friend and that if it upsets my boyfriend with the amount of time talking, then I should probably cut back.

But logically speaking, if I can talk to girlfriends for hours what makes it any different and does this mean that there’s no trust? Just trying to get perspectives on here.

To be honest, since my boyfriend has always had just male friends I never had to deal with that stuff (Thank goodness!). I think if he were were to start having new female friends, yes I’d be jealous. I think if he started to hang out with a girl alone as often as he does with his guy friends I wouldn’t like it at all. Which I’m not sure if it’s okay…

I do have a guy friend though my boyfriend doesn’t seem to worry about. But that is because I’ve been friends with him for years, we talk here and there shortly, and we once in a blue moon meet up for lunch.

So at what point do you take your significant other’s side if nothing truly is going on and you cut down on contact?

I’d like to hear opinions just because my mind is wandering.

What are some boundaries you set for your relationship regarding friends of the opposite sex?

I’d also like to point out I think it can happen in same sex friendships. When I was younger I remember my then-boyfriend always having another one of his friends to do like everything with and tag along and I was jealous and annoyed. I didn’t think he’d cheat but I felt like he was his “boyfriend” in a way lol.

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12 Answers

LuckyGuy's avatar

I’d say “talking every day for hours and talking about issues” (with the friend, male or female ) is over the imaginary line.
You are spending many precious hours with the friend and not investing that time in the relationship with the SO. Heck, you could be working or studying or planning a business with all that time. Sure, almost everyone needs an outlet and a place to vent. But hours a day is too much to spend on someone who you do not plan to date.and a relationship that supposedly will go nowhere.

zenvelo's avatar

I’ll reinforce what @LuckyGuy is saying. It’s not the boundary of guy friends vs. girlfriends, it’s about the boundary of the relationship and outside people.

If I were dating you, I’d be more concerned with you sharing the details of our relationship with other people, male or female. Seeking advice on a specific question is one thing, hours of examining the relationship from every angle is different.

For me, the boundaries of friendships with the other sex is the boundary of friendship in general: no sex, affection only to the extent of a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

chelle21689's avatar

You think it’s even wrong to discuss relationship issues for possible different perspective with your trusted bestfriend (whether it be sister or cousin)? I mean not stuff like sexual or anything embarrassing.

Cupcake's avatar

“You think it’s even wrong to discuss relationship issues for possible different perspective with your trusted bestfriend (whether it be sister or cousin)? I mean not stuff like sexual or anything embarrassing.”

Every day? Yes.

zenvelo's avatar

@chelle21689 Yes, as I stated in my original post: “Seeking advice on a specific question is one thing, hours of examining the relationship from every angle is different.

chelle21689's avatar

Oh, not issues every day. But just general conversation.

downtide's avatar

First of all, I wouldn’t want to be in any relationship in which my partner dictates who I may be friends with. If they don’t trust me enough that they get jealous just because I have friends of the opposite sex, they don’t deserve me.

That said, if you choose to have these long “important” discussions with your friends and not your SO, something is very wrong with the relationship anyway.

dappled_leaves's avatar

Never. I would never give up a friendship because a significant other demanded it. Such a demand would be a dealbreaker for me.

But I also would not be interested in having “emotional affairs” while in a relationship. If you’re doing that, and it makes you want to back off from the friendship, why blame that on your boyfriend? It sounds like you are the one having trouble telling a friendship from a relationship here. You need to be able to make the distinction, and keep friendships from going too far. That’s your responsibility, not your significant other’s.

cheebdragon's avatar

Don’t all friendships require some kind of emotional connection? Otherwise they would be an acquaintance?

chelle21689's avatar

I’m not asking because of anything I’m dealing with. Just wondering the situation and opinions

susanc's avatar

Wait a minute. You guys (^) are telling this young woman that if she’s having important conversations with someone she’s not fucking, she’s cheating on him? That’s insane.
The guys she’s fucking isn’t listening. Guys:
grow up.
@chelle21689 – you do exactly what you feel will be of use to you. If your bf isn’t interested in the kinds of conversations you’re interested in, have them with people who are.
Duh, duh, duh and duh.

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